the gaudi inspired dog-house

my middle girl loves her stuffed dogs. and last christmas time, i was wondering what to make for her. and it hit me. her dogs needed a house. i was loving gaudi's architecture a lot at that time, and tried to make a little house that felt like his magical creations.

i really wish we had a real dog. i am feeling like we are not quite ready to take on the new responsibility, but i am LONGING for a doggie friend. and i will make it the fluffiest dog pillows to sleep on, and we will love on it and make it feel like it landed in its DREAM home! i am just setting the intention. and praying that we begin to feel readier and readier.

doesn't it seem like a dog might want to be here with us on our walks? tell the man. he says vasectomy first. then dog. uuugh. i just can't go there. but i can go for dog first, and then we'll just see on that other very permanent thing. (meaning no!)

see, i even know how to stop and let the little ones check out whatever it is that catches their eye. i would be a good dog caretaker.

and look at this. it's blurry, but see? our kitty is looking for the dog. she has torn the house apart, looking. where is he? i am wishing one would just show up on our front doorstep and make it so obvious that it's time to have a dog.

yin~yang strikes again

giving respect to both the light and the dark.....reflecting a lot on what i took away from the parenting group this week, led by this amazing woman. love cannot exist without its opposite, hate. i feel like that is a pretty controversial statement. but you know what, it feels a little bit true to me. i am playing with it a lot these days, and not judging those moments of hateful feelings so much. it is quite liberating. light cannot exist without dark. it just makes so much sense to me. allowing it all to exist at the same time. happiness right in the same moment of sadness.

here is a quote that sums it all up for me..

“hold the sadness and pain of samsara in your heart and at the same time the power and vision of the great eastern sun. then the warrior can make a proper cup of tea.”

this is pema chodron quoting chogyam trungpa rinpoche

so, my personal loves and sadnesses right now...

loves:

~toughskin overalls on the 5 year old...

~listening to myself, and my not-so-soft voice inside trying to lead me toward following my desires. that little voice really knows. why i don’t listen to her 100% of the time is a mystery to me.

~coffee today. i usually go for tea. but today, coffee. hmmmmm. it is good.

~the softness of this corduroy....baby’s new cozy pants made by me, lined in flannel, and trimmed at the bottom with this patched sweetness. much more of that patchwork to come in the girls’ new prairie shirts i’ve got in the works, with that powerfully healing bias trim.

~a dinner date with my sister and our babies

~the boy helping with the firewood

~the girl coming out to join me by the garden, to finger knit while swinging.

~the past three days of 70 degree weather. i dreamt last night that the trees accidentally started blooming. it’s gonna snow today.

~taking my pony tail down and rubbing my scalp.

~the joy of giving my children my undivided attention, and the resulting closeness we feel together. lightening up with them and playing in their realm.

sadnesses:

~the two year old’s tantrums. she is so powerful, and that is SUCH a good thing, but i guess she is showing me where i need to be more powerful. i need to be able to hold a space large enough to include her tantrums...a space large enough to include her dissatisfaction, as well as my love all at the same time. the love in my heart does not have to flee the scene just because she’s whining and screaming and seemingly torturing me with her wailing.

~my middle child's sassiness. i actually LOVE her sassiness, but when it goes into her seeming to BECOME veruca salt, i just get so bothered lately. i screamed at her this morning for sassing in the rudest of ways at her sister and me. i basically did what i am asking her not to do. not what i want to model, no. next time i WILL walk away and breathe deeply, instead of screaming. i will. i will. i will not speak until i feel grounded, or something like that. yeah, right. but i can set a goal.

~the feeling of there not being enough time. my kids are growing up too fast. i can’t time travel and go hold my tiny loves ever again. i can’t smell their newborn breath anymore.

~that my husband and i don’t have that young love excitement anymore. we have old love now, and that is comforting, and sweet in a different way. but that new love feeling. holy F***! there’s nothing like it, and we will never have it again. we can only remember it, and maybe channel it sometimes, but the way it used to be, uh-uh. just can’t be that way anymore. and that is a little bit heartbreaking sometimes. but it's just the design. nature's design, that is. we learned about this at the couple's weekend workshop thing we did almost two years ago. it definitely saved us. we have been saved so many times! that is something i am loving. this saddness is turning into love now. my dear yin yang.

living lightly a bit here, after living darkly. it's only natural. yin yang is the theme of life i feel.

an oldy, but such a goody.
my love.

and another black love.
i need a new one.
this picture makes my heart hurt i love it so much.
he was so surprisingly good at walking up the steps with this book on his head....
actually better than his sister. he has a slow steadiness, that is hard to match, even for a girl who is pretty good at balancing.
she finally decided she wanted to wear these wings we made her. and she asks now repeatedly for me to turn the music on and put her wings on her, so she can dance properly, with wings.
the new handle pad for the hot handles we have to hold.
sexy guys wear their children

i have a penpal!! i love it. i really hope we keep in touch for a long time.
he wanted to write on the old calendar?? i don't really understand why, but he has a fascination with the calendars, and if that's what it takes to get him to want to write, by all means!! he was naming each horse, on each month of last year's horse calendar.
the other side of the handle holder
a cat on a leash. don't judge us. we have lost 3 cats in these mountains to the wild, and we just have to do it this way now, it feels better to me. it's just one of those things. and zhi LOVES putting this halter on her kitty and taking her out to explore the wilderness of our patio.

a little sad

and working my ass off to not just bolt the scene of today. to not abandon my feelings, while also not drowning in them. wait, maybe i should let myself drown. metaphorically. just let the feeling consume me. deep breath. getting to wear my end of summer dress another time this year. going to go outside, and plant some garlic in our little garden that's been all dressed up itself with the yummy horse poop. i wonder if that will help a little. some sun. some moist dirt. some potential. as much as i'd love to get through this wave of sadness quickly, i am gonna walk my talk, and just take it in, while staying here, on this warm november day, present with the moment. hello. hello. hello there. this song i can not get enough of these days....david showed me how to play it this morning. singing it is very fun. maybe i will sing it to myself while i go dig. wah wah. that just made me start to cry. yay. the drowning begins.

cozy pants and crafty thoughts

(zhi helped sew this 'tag' on her brother's pants. she wants to use the sewing machine now all the time, and i am inching my way toward finding comfort with this new development. i mean, she's only 5! the needle goes so fast. but she's asking a lot, so i'm gonna go for it. she was so proud to have had a part in making these. )
(max's are a little big right now, so we're rolling the waist band over which is cute, luckily.)
(these are the only shots i could get of her this day. she was not into posing for me)

these are the first two pairs of cozy pants i've made so far this season. (olive's are almost done, too!) cozy corduroy, lined with flannel, or flannel like brushed cotton in max's case. they are reversible! i copied the way my mom made the kids some pants a few years ago, lined and reversible, and they are sweet. i don't know how much longer i'm going to be able to get away with the elastic waist band for them, before it is just not 'cool' anymore, but for now, i'm getting away with it. i mean, i wouldn't wear pants like this, i don't think. would i?? ummmm, not ones that are so bunched in the waist. i'm definitely going to have to refine the style and the slickness there soon. anyways. these are cute, and they have been wearing them a lot. before the near-record high days we are having this week, upper 70s, after this scene below just one week ago. boulder is certifiably undecided in her weather.

and now for today's rambling thoughts.......

my experience with crafting as a spiritual mirror for reflecting where i’m challenged.

last night, i sat down, after the kids were asleep, to start a new sewing project. i already had the pattern chosen, so...

first thing i had to do was choose the fabric. that took up too much of my precious little bit of time, i thought. so see, the first hurdle that felt uncomfortably high that i had to jump, or stop and stare at as i did, was the feeling of overwhelm by what i wanted to accomplish, QUICKLY, and by how long it was actually taking me. i could have just closed my eyes and picked something randomly and saved a lot of time like that, but picking the fabric is one of my favorite parts of sewing. so the hurdle was asking me to breathe through the panic i was feeling about how long it was really going to take to make this shirt, the way i wanted to. slowly and deliberately. i want to feel that luxurious feeling of being able to go slow, but i put so much pressure on myself to use my time as efficiently as humanly possible. i finally chose, and then had to look at the next hurdle. commitment. as i began cutting into the fabric, i was committing, for the time being at least. i can only commit to the moment, but when you’re cutting beautiful fabric, it’s usually a pretty potent moment, for me anyways. the fabric will never be the same, it will never have the potential it had before. it is now limited, or i perceive it that way. this hurdle asked me, can you commit to this moment. can you commit to what you are doing? i thought about it, and realized my only other choice was to abandon the moment and cut without full presence, so that was an easy hurdle once i got to that understanding. can you be present, or not? this actually feels the same as the first hurdle when i really look at it. the first one asked me, can you be present with your current pace? the second, can you be present with your current choice.

okay, then it was time to go watch a little bit of madman with my mad man, and the hurdle i came to , asked me, can you feel good about what you just did, the steps you just took toward this new goal you’ve made for yourself? it’s not like i sat down and whipped my little girl’s shirt up in one evening, like i always somehow secretly hope i will do. but i really did feel good about the little steps i took. and being asked to acknowledge that felt really good. what if i had messed up cutting, like, i’ve done before? how could i have jump this last hurdle, asking me to feel good about what i accomplished? hmmmmm. well. i’d have to take a leap of faith, and trust that i was still in the process of being guided to the chosen fabric, or there was something important i needed to learn, that i could only learn by making that mistake. deep breath. those leaps of faith are often taken by me when i’m hovering over a well of disappointment. this last hurdle is really asking me, can you trust in what you are doing? can you trust this moment. that is a hard one sometimes. but like the other hurdles, when i really look at it, my only other choice is to not trust this moment. that’s like not trusting the air i breathe, which is a challenge, you know, on this polluted planet. but wherever we are, we have to breathe, and even if we are behind a diesel truck, we can’t stop breathing. we have to use that air for as long as we have to. it’s better than no air. but when it’s not desirable air, we can still trust the present moment, while keeping our wits about us, and listening to our strong urge to get to some clean air. or, as i’ve been asked to do a lot lately, i can stay present while our kid is tantruming, even while staying present to the love inside of me. i can stay present with the uncomfortable moment. we can. it is not an easy hurdle. but we can do it. and often, and this is what we talked about in my parenting group monday morning, we need a guide. someone who has learned the hurdles, and can show us how it’s done. there are people scattered throughout my days, who are guiding me, and wow, do i love them and feel grateful for their guidance. and then when it’s my turn to guide, i really love to do that to. serving this world is a full on pleasure.

so when the moment is uncomfortable, and the hurdle is still asking us to trust it, not necessarily resign to it staying this way forever, but trusting THIS moment, and even though i know i have no other choice, i still resist it, i look for a guide. hey, is there anybody here who can show me how this is done? i do that, and then when one doesn’t show up right away, i just try. again and again and again. until i get it. cause i have no other choice.

i can’t even tell you how many times a day i have to stop myself, sometimes mid-sentence, because i am speaking to my kids, david, a friend, myself, or somebody, from my head, and not my present, body-centered self. that’s what i’m talking about really here. crafting is showing me how often, and in what contexts i go into my head. around time, around commitment, around fear of change, around desire for change, around seeing the glass half-full, versus half-empty. it is so crazy, this head of mine. and i know lots of other crazy-heads, and it’s really comforting to know i’m not alone. does anyone else here in this blog realm relate at all? i don’t think i’m alone here, but maybe you could reassure me??? or not. i’m okay being a freak too. i definitely wear that hat often. i could probably guide that trail, the freak trail, if anyone ever asked. do ask! what a fun idea.

even the most gentle of horses have shadows

i cannot lose my shadow. it is my partner for life. its beauty shines when it is allowed out of the closet. it's only when it isn't accepted and welcomed that my shadow comes out and acts unacceptably, because it can feel that it isn't being accepted, so it does exactly as it's told, acts out in a horrid way. but look how beautiful shadows are when they are allowed to come out! oh sacred shadow. i am inviting you to come out. come out. you are beautiful and perfect and i've missed you, and i'm sorry for shutting you away. so sorry. i want to play with you now. i am not scared anymore.

halloween day