all at the same time

umm, the laundry lady is a color dork. yawn mom.

your dinner my dears...

i have noticed that they love dairy most of all.


boy am i hoping this fence is strong. a strong healthy boundary for these birds.

well (normal voice). well (lower voice). well (slightly higher than normal voice).

that post before last where i wrote a little about having a hard time sharing my joy, well (normal voice), i want to write a little more. it's so complex, this experience i have in being happy, or being sad. i wonder how much is under my control, and how much am i so at the mercy of...... life. life. life. life. life. life. it is not easy. i've been thinking a lot lately about how much maintenance there is to tend to with just having a body. and then when you have children, you all of a sudden have more bodies to 'maintain'. we are all a bunch of mechanics here on earth. before i had kids, i often had a hard time even caring for myself properly. man was that a wake up call, to realize i better be on top of that shit now. my own and theirs. literally! where am i going with this? being happy or sad. content or frustrated. witnessing it all, doing all the maintenance, without grasping to it. tricky. if i never let myself get lost in an emotion, i'd be in control all the time, and that sounds kind-of awful actually. i'd never have a spontaneous outburst, of joy or pain. i'd be a robot. i'd never stick my foot in my mouth, which would be pretty cool. but i'd also never squeal with elation when a child accomplishes something significant. i'd probably never have an orgasm. but then , i'd probably also never lose my cool with my kids. i'm trying to sell myself here on this life experience i am involved in. crazy girl i am. playing in my head. i love it. i am so so so so grateful for this life. i just don't want to feel prisoner to my emotions, while at the same time, i don't want to control them. it often comes back to the high wire. the balancing act. it really really does. balance. let go, and hold on at the same time. this idea makes my mind spin. which i feel is the whole idea. let the mind spin. let the mind go. the heart will hold. it's like playing the guitar. or doing yoga. or pilates. (which i haven't been doing since my wrist flared up again. i'm pretty sure i'm going to have a little surgery this year to remove the ganglion that's bothering my wrist so much.) it's like parenting. it's like marriage. it's life!! let go and hold on all at the same time. my buddhist friends might chime in here with some understanding they have on this idea. let go of my mind's fear that sharing my joy is selfish. let go of my fear that others' joy will hurt the jealous little child in me. hold gently the sweet lovely feeling of pure bliss when it sweeps in like a hummingbird and gives me waves of magical goosebumps. hold on tightly when it feels appropriate. there's a time and place for everything. when the salty tears come, let them fall. they are not a mistake. there are oceans of salty tears here on this earth, and they are lovely. they are not a mistake. there's a time and a place for everything.

and i tell this to my sweet feline, as she stalks a chipmunk. this is not her chipmunk. i happen to be here watching you today, and i will not allow you to kill him today. i just can't. i can't explain why really. i hope i'm not playing god. interfering with nature's way. i just say there's a time and place, and this isn't it. let go of the mind, and let the heart say it. feel it. feel those emotions, and let them have their own life. don't hold on to either one, love or fear, with your busy little head. feel them and hold them with your big juicy heart, and pay attention as much as you can, without attempting to explain it. let your mind go wild with creativity on what it all means and how it all works. let it go to jupiter looking for answers. let it go to as far as it wants. throw it. it's like a boomerang. it will come back. but do throw it. let it go. it knows how to fly!! it's full of magic just like your heart. it just needs to be let go.

i don't want to be a geisha. i want to be a wild woman.

a crazy crazy wild one.

wait, actually, i want to be geisha~like and wild~like, all at the same time.

i guess i might go hiking now....i often feel wild then. and i'll wear my kimono.

dress up happens and it was funny

there was a wedding at our home recently!!

meet lisa and tom. the newlyweds.

i dressed up too!! i wore the shoes i wore to my own wedding. zhi's idea. and olive dolled me up with a 3 foot pearl necklace.

i told then they had to say their vows to each other to make it like a real wedding. that was cool by them. but when i said you may kiss the bride, they lost it. it was so cute. i laugh just remembering this moment. hahahahehhe. and max's tender touch on her. he's gonna be a kind kind man. she's gonna be a goofy goofy woman.

oh they are cute. sometimes.

goodness (and hardness)

it happened so randomly. i mean, i've been casually dreaming of keeping chickens at home for a long time. and then we just started checking craigslist a few months ago just to see what kind of coops were out there. forgot about it for the next few months. then some creature started making me crazy tearing our compost apart every few days. i really went crazy. rebuilding it and cleaning it all up is not something i'm interested in every time i make a trip to the compost. so i called our friend who helps us with handy work. i said i need a fence around the compost. an animal proof fence. the idea of chickens was fresh in my mind and i knew they'd need to live in with the compost piles. so the first step was taken. i made the call. the fence was to be built. ha!! it just happened like that. i went crazy about my compost, which we've always had outside of the fenced in yard so it wouldn't attract wildlife in. i went crazy, and took action. going crazy makes us act. the seal song. then i looked on craigslist again. an ad had just been placed that day for an a frame coop, all the supplies, and two sweet 2 year old red hens. named barack and john. i responded that evening. it was just no big deal all of a sudden. we set a date to pick them up this past tuesday. ~~~~and now we've got them living with us. their fence is almost done. it's looking pretty good. i hope it is sturdy enough for all those predators. these girls are so sweet. we love their noises. they have new names. fancy and nancy. david named them.

okay, naked time!!

i find it so hard to share goodness. it is easy to share my pain, because it doesn't feel like i will be making anyone jealous, and you know, i often find it hard to hear or read of others' happiness. i can get jealous. but it can also make me crazy, in a potentially helpful way. it makes me yearn. i get this burning burning yearning feeling inside me, oooooo deep inside, and it hurts so bad... i remember reading a blog years ago where the woman's relationship with her husband seemed so ideal. in some ways i hated her. but in other ways, i thought to myself, if she can find happiness in her marriage, then i was fucking going to, too. if it meant my marriage had to end, for me to find happiness, i was horrifyingly open to that. but seeing her happiness had such a powerful motivating effect on me. i wanted it so bad too. my marriage ended up going through an incredibly hard, scary, painful, miraculous rebirth because of this awakening and determination i found. and now i'm just needing to say how difficult it is for me to share the easy lovely good things in life. i'm scared of making someone uncomfortable.....i'm projecting all over the place i'm sure. but i want to see if it's possible for me to learn to find more comfort with sharing the lighter side of my life. i mean, i named this blog light for a reason. i want to cultivate the light. but it's so hard sometimes!! and sometimes it's not so hard, but this time it is. i don't want to seem like i'm bragging. i want it to feel more like i'm reporting. but also i want to share my joy. joy. that's what i'm scared to do. is this so weird? either way, it would be nice if i wasn't scared to share my joy. i'm afraid it will be taken away. it might. it could. but it might not. if i didn't go for my joy because i was afraid of losing it, well....that would be a sad waste of a lot of potential joy. what if joy could be my default, as opposed to depression? what if depression were the rarity, and joy the norm? that scares me just writing it. we must go for it. like she says here. just like that. it's pure. my desire is pure. . what a joy it is to be alive. we are blessed with our lives. everyday's another chance, she says. if you don't get goosebumps at the end of her song, watch it again on another day, cuz she is so beautiful. i'm taking baby steps. just a baby....just a baby moth! heh. love.

okay. putting my light summer dress back on.....

there is our first egg these generous souls gave to us. it is so mind blowing to me that these animals make these big huge eggs almost daily.


farm green hot smelly pigs water in the ditch flowers flowers green straw tractor wire milk moo eggs bok electric beauty heaven saturday fun hothothot sweat smell grime fresh play see love thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks mother earth father sun~fire sister water brother wind ~~~we went to the farm we joined to pick up our milk and csa share this morning. (i don't have permission to share photos of the farm yet, but if i get it, i will. they are so nice.)

washing stones is magical. wash them. as you wash stones, you wash your soul. my girls spontaneously needed a soul washing yesterday.

feeling so homey. having chickens has really made being home feel different. so alive.

lalalala. hard work. hard hard work. hard and good. hard and good.

getting ready....

for the summer riding session. and guess who will start riding. no more rocking horse for someone. it's amazing to me. we started riding, well m and z did, the day after olive was born. they were at the hospital for her 2 am birth, wide eyed and so excited and intrigued and beautifully ready to greet her. and then went off at 2 pm the next day to meet their horse friends. zhi was just three and max five. and now olive is three, and she knows she gets to ride regularly now. she'll probably do half~length lessons to start. zhi actually started out on a pony. but olive's been on a horse a few times, and it can work fine with the side walkers. at least for the summer, we'll be back with these favorite animals. our instructor has had to leave the ranch we've been learning at these past years, and we may not be able to make the trek to her home, which is much further away, once fall comes. but we can for summer. loving summer. these pictures make me feel good. horses make me feel good.

finished the glass castle tonight. i need a new book recommendation. that was so good for me. i haven't read a novel, well it was technically a memoir, in too long.

love gillian

love my friends. love my friends. love my friends.

lara. i love you. i love you. i love you.

because he deserves it, and because i love him, because they luuuuuv him, a post to love on him

i know mothers and fathers day is all about business in a way, but it's also really sweet. i have a good friend who says they're her favorite days of the year. they are sweet days. this year for daddy's day, because it was olive's birthday just the day before, i forgot for a moment when i woke up about it, due to being a little worn out from the second birthday in a month. but he hadn't. he was up and getting everyone ready to go out to breakfast. and then he wanted us all to go on a hike. and then it was just a come home and yard care kind of afternoon. with gift time for daddy inserted into the afternoon too.

the kids are now expert thrifters. i have mixed feelings on this. i like it because to me thrifting is a skill i am so glad to have practically mastered. i don't like it because it shows clearly this addiction i have to shopping, and that my little young ones have been exposed to it so much already that they are now practically thrift~masters themselves. they enjoy it too. is that good or bad? i really don't know. but life's little pleasures are too good to judge all over. so it's good i declare!

however there is one thing i learned on father's day that i haven't mastered. that is tie buying. but, i did get one of the best laughs i've had in a while out of this!! and, this tells you how often we go out and david wears a tie. maybe once every 2 years?? anyhoo. so.....the kids picked this tie out for him, along with this pretty interesting summery button~up shirt. the selling point for the shirt was the dragons. max spotted it and said, ' dad will look SO good in this.' he smiled like he only smiles when he is very very proud. even though i would not have chosen this shirt for david, myself , i trusted that smile and we went with it. then came the tie we found. it has men on horses working to catch a bull, or something like that going on, on the fabric. the kids were sure that was a good fit for their dad. so there we had it. some awesome gifts.

david opened them, awesomely put them both on, right away. sadly i don't have a photo of what the tie looked like on him from the front. but i think you can tell as you look at the photos i did take, what we discovered. luckily the shirt fits perfectly, and i am so admitting that max was right on. that dragon shirt is cool.

watching him tie the tie on max was so fun. his big daddy hands, so carefully getting it just right. his little boy so surprisingly proud to have his dad putting a tie on him for the first time.

he loves being a dad.

he is so so good at it. i wish you could witness it. his knowing. his intuition on what they need sometimes, when i have no clue. the way he can make them laugh, without fail, anytime he wants. the way he LOVES to hold their hands as they fall asleep. the way he finds so much pleasure in making them their favorite breakfasts. the way he helped them make the cat birthday cake, with as much care and love as he puts into all his cake making.

we love you d.

lovelovelove.

okay, now one little random thing.... i am so into this book right now. i haven't been this into a book since i read harry potter when i was pregnant with max. i am purposely not reading it all in one day because i don't want it to end. a friend gave it to me 2 or 3 years ago for my birthday, and i am just now reading it. what a GOOD gift!!! thanks so much!!! and just to continue with the dad theme a bit, the dad in this story, although he is a serious mess, is also one of the best, most inspiring dads i've ever encountered in a book.

3!!

here i am today, waiting in line for my delicious green tea, before i sit to write, photo upload, and drink the deliciousness. i am so into my silver toenail polish. it is really working for me.

the japanese girly style wardrobe pattern book

okay. so! because someone was about to have her third birthday, i was all inspired to make her a new dress. and i went all out! yes i did. i FINALLY did it. i opened up one of the 8 (!!) japanese pattern books i've been collecting for 4 years now i think, and i started figuring that shit out!! it was actually mostly fun! i had all the supplies i needed right at home. tracing paper, highlighter, yard stick, pencil. easy really. i am just pretty much elated that i attempted this and did it and that the dress is so sweet and just right for this girl. and that she loves it. she asked to put her unicorn dress on again today. totally awesome. i'm gonna start making another something from a japanese pattern book right away. i've got to keep going with this momentum!! i had a really powerful talk with a friend this weekend. about how important it is for our well being that we feel proud of ourselves. that we follow and nurture our creative obsessions. when i say proud i mean it in a nice humble way, but proud nonetheless. proud about our work. proud that we try. proud that we do. and for me it's really simple right now. i mean, all i did was make a dress. it can be so simple. for her, she's working on a film in nyc, flying there every week for 3 days, then coming home to her family for 4. how different could our goals be? and i start to feel a little dumb actually, feeling all proud of myself for sitting at home and sewing, while she's jetting around making her own freaking film that she's been working on for 6 years now, and she's so close to having it made. what an accomplishment. but i'm not going to go there, into comparing land. no. cuz i am feeling just fine with my own simple deal. what's that van gogh quote??

The more I become decomposed, the more sick and fragile I am, the more I become an artist. (Vincent van Gogh)

well, it's not that one, ha, but i just found that one and really love it.

it's this one....

'simplicity is the ultimate in sophistication', and it's leonardo da vinci. not van gogh.

look at all these simplicity themed quotes!! holy crap. they are all so good.

and i have to be so on myself so i don't get confused with being proud of myself for what i've done because it makes me really happy, with feeling proud because of what other people think about what i've done. is my own opinion of myself enough? or am i dependent on others' praise to keep a healthy sense of self going? yikes. that is tricky business.

working with this book, i learned i need to get a few more highlighters in different colors so i can make more patterns from this same book. i decided that highlighting the size i was cutting out was the way to go for me. zhi has requested that i make her the same dress! what's really cool about the japanese patterns is that because you're tracing, you can really make everything in the book, in every size! i learned that size 100cm is right on for size 3t. i learned about paying extra good attention to seam allowances because these patterns change them up whenever they want to! and it's the sewer's responsibility to add them on and pay attention. i am really clear about what a centimeter looks like now. i've always sewed in inches. i learned that google is so handy for looking for answers to questions that popped up while sewing, from other girls who've worked with these books. i just want to say thank you to them for sharing! i discovered this girl through my searches. she has made so many!!!!

so here it is.....

look what's hiding behind the pleated front of the dress!! this sweet

little unicorn is just sitting

in there so peacefully! i didn't mean for that to happen. got kind of

lucky cuz i totally spaced looking

at the fabric's print when i laid the pattern on it. and excuse my plastic hanger.

how unhip of me! this fabric is so nice. my mom gave it me a year ago maybe.

what a nice gift. thanks mom.

so yeah, there is a three year old in the house again. yesterday we celebrated olive's glorious birthday, so so close to the summer solstice it is really a powerful time to be born. but all times are powerful times to be born in one way or another. being born here on earth is so so huge. no wonder birthdays are such a thing. (stating the obvious is good sometimes.)

three!! 3. three is so magical isn't it?? i want to connect with the three year old in me again. olive, you show me the way sister.

she also got herself a red cape. she's been asking for me to make her a red cape for months. i don't know why it took me so long to get around to it? it took 10 minutes to make it! she has a crush on superman.

and then a little party for her happened. a little party with a whole bunch of awesome little girls, and their mamas, and two daddies. it was sweet.

(another apple rhubarb crisp i forced on everyone)

after everyone went home, we hung out and took care of our garden. olive sat herself down on her throne here and studied some rocks that she had gathered in this little pot. simple.

simple. simple works well. keep it simple. at least some of the time!!

~~random reminder to self cuz i just saw a friend who told me she's been picking a lot of this weed and tonight she's making pesto with it!!~~start picking lamb's quarters~~

yep, just walk out that door, that's recently been swept up and is all nice and spacious, and eat yourself some lamb's quarters!! and teach your kids about this one new~to~them plant this week.

phew. that was a long post with a lot of photos. fun. thanks tea shop, computer, digital camera, and internet. love.