once again

we love our dot's diner so so so so so so much.




the mate pot is fun.

kindness. it feels so soft. maybe i'm noticing it out in the world because i'm having a hard time getting the kindness to flow between david and me the past week or so. it's so sucky when it's just not flowing. it's been a while since we had therapy together..... i feel like that's gonna happen soon. well, at least i come up for sweet fresh air in between all the grunting. i kind-of feel like we're addicted to the therapy. i am seriously wondering if we know how to have hard conversations without help. oh well, if that's the case. i guess our therapist will have a happier wallet. that's the bright side! i mean, we do know how, just not so much when it's intense day after day after day cause something major is up. i am working so hard to find my ground right now, as we inch our way closer to surgery time for max. and when i'm working this hard just to balance, (in a way it feels like i am always working this hard, but i know this surgery has cranked the difficulty meter up a notch, or ten.) i tend to give him a lot less slack. or i am just not so nice about how i take the line in. i am doing some yanky yanky. who likes to be yanked? geez. who likes to be on a line for that matter.

so, right now, i was hoping to sit down and revel in the things i am loving lately. to soothe myself some. soothe. soothe. soothe yourself. this song just relaxed me. my sister turned me on to this awesomely unique musician a few years ago. at first i couldn't relate to her voice, but now i love it SO much. i am so glad my little sister keeps me fresh with new music. this is another of my favorites from her.

i love this shirt. it makes me so happy to see zhi wearing it! while max was getting rolfed, we were going to target to get them a zhuzhu pet? what the hell made these things so popular? there is a sign at target saying to limit your purchase to 2 of the toys. so crazy.

this song too.

creative energy. wanting it. but if it won't come to me, and i am not able to track it down, what will i do? i will sit down and pray for it. i will pray to the owls to share with me a secret on how to see better in the dark. and then i will breathe my way into the next moment, and the next, and ....

i will pray some more, for a peaceful loving night for all of us. and if and when it gets out of control in the way that makes me feel like i might start yanking people around, i will seriously get on my knees and pray for a kind way to appear. this is my hope for tonight. love. love.

and i smile. yay!!

kindness

transmute:

Main Entry: trans·mute

Pronunciation: \tran(t)s-ˈmyüt, tranz-\

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): trans·muted; trans·mut·ing

Etymology: Middle English, from Latin transmutare, from trans- + mutare to change — more at mutable

Date: 15th century

transitive verb1 : to change or alter in form, appearance, or nature and especially to a higher form 2 : to subject (as an element) to transmutationintransitive verb: to undergo transmutation

synonyms see transform

— trans·mut·able \-ˈmyü-tə-bəl\ adjective

i had a simple experience of kindness today. but it was so pure, it reached into the bottom of my heart, and made me want to give others that same feeling. there are so many times that i force kindness out, and that's not kindness really, not like the pure kind. when i'm relaxed and patient, though, the kindness i have access to is endless, infinite in its well. i am human. (ha. did you know that?) i get impatient and lose immediate access to the well of kindness sometimes. sometimes. but when i am back to center and balancing on my high wire with joy and skill and loving the moment in all its chaos or calm, i can channel the kind of kindness i felt from the man in line at the tea shop today. all he said was, 'don't worry', to me, after i said, 'i'm sorry', for not hearing him first say 'excuse me', so he could reach in front of me to get a lid for his cup. it was that simple. but it was the way he said 'don't worry'. i wish i could make you feel how he said it. it was beautiful. it was so so kind.

i've felt kindness like that from many people before, and for some reason i'm thinking of david and max in particular. maybe it's a male kind of kindness i am referring to? no, it's really just a very giving, very patient energy, that's not masculine or feminine. but i am thinking of max for sure. when he is tapped into that kind love, it is so beautiful and moving to witness, and feel. he can just be so so present. that may be all it is, the degree of presentness a person has going on. i love this feeling, this state of consciousness.

i'm not sure why he was showing me four fingers here. i don't think he even knew why he was doing that. he was just being cute. posing for me so i could get a picture of him in his cute pajamas i made him last year, with his new arm warmer, only one has been completed so far. he slept in it all night. and today he brought his blanket with him to school. he loves the things i make him. doesn't it feel good to watch someone spend many many moments working so presently and carefully on something just for you. he gets it, and feels the love in these special hand~mades. even if it is just one arm warmer at the moment. not a problem. only a gift to him. look a those eyes. those eyes. looking into them and feeling the kindness in them is a gift. thank you for your gift, max. i cry happy tears when i let myself soften and take in your many kind gifts.

and thank you man in line behind me today. thank you so much. now i know tomorrow i'm going to be asked to thank the 'jerk' in line behind me for somehow giving me a gift in disguise. i just know it. i like these obvious gifts so much better!!

i am getting a little bored of tubes. and i am so drawn to cables. so cabled tubes are what i have my sights on next. yikes!!! are cables really scary? do i need to psych myself up?

on another note, i just looked up about proper placement of commas and periods when you're using quotation marks. i knew i was taught to put them inside the quotations, but i was just looking at it feeling like that looks dumb! so i looked here and learned it's just a united states thing to put the punctuation inside the quotation. but in the UK and canada, they follow logic, and put the punctuation outside, like it should be, i say!!! phew. so glad to know i can do that without looking incorrect. i'm just going to look british or canadian, not dumb, with my preferred punctuation style.

alice.

wonder. dirt. warm sun. happy kids. happy woman. happy fat kitten. dirt sliding. dirty. dirty. dirty. not clean. relaxed. free. outside. not cold, till the sun went away. not cold. warm. we were warm.

now it is snowing, and i sit by the fireplace, warm again. i like to make fires. there is a candle lit beside me too. and a half drunk shot of tequila. i could feel myself feeling extra twitchy tonight, and the tequila is helping me settle some, i am hoping for some crazy restful slumbering here in a bit. i just read my tarot and it was lovely.. ....i have so much gratitude for tarot cards. who came up with that stuff?? that interests me! smile. i also have gratitude for the friends i have made through this blog. you all really interest me! just wanted to sneak a thank you in here. i hear the man farting loudly in his sleep right now. nice! the boy was coughing in a random way earlier that i felt might lead to barfing, cause i've seen that progression before, so i laid towels all around him, but so far nothing. chicken pox exposure has occurred. bring it on.

my friend christy's baby was born on the 24th. i love this baby~her already, from colorado to hawaii my love is flowing. mmmmmm. i wish she were close! and i got to talk with christy tonight, and i feel like the baby is a buddha. she was born completely in her water bag membrane, it was totally in tact. and they chanted through the whole labor and birth. and the quilt was trippy and danced and moved in magical ways i hear. yay for this baby. a new light on the earth. yay. yay. yay. thank you baby for coming here to be with all of us. to be who you are. who you uniquely are. your mama and papa are so into you, and your uniqueness. you are a lucky little buddha. and they are some lucky little parents.

i finished my tequila, i want more. can i have more?? would that be good or bad? i am not a big drinker. one drink is often fine. but, sometimes one will make me queazy though. hmmmm. i will sit with the urge and see what happens. maybe water is really what i want.

i was thinking i was going to clear out this desk i have filled with sewing supplies tonight so that i could make some space so that i can breath easier, but i have done a bunch of other random things instead, like clean half the kitchen, wash my hair with egg and vinegar, read my tarot, watch my son sleep in case he might be throwing up soon, make a fire and smoke the living room out a tiny bit (i hate it when that happens so badly), write a few emails, read a few, drink tequila (which i still kind-of want more of), realized it's not david farting, but some pipes making some random noises. i had a friend in high school who swore up and down she never farted. i thought that was so funny, and i still don't believe her. but if you are one of these people, fess up, so i can be put in my place. wow. 11:30 pm. lovely. but i went to bed at 8 pm the last few nights, so i deserve this. alice. where are we going?

very quick photoboothed dance monday post....

tight right now...making myself move, thank god, to the irish music on kgnu. perfect!

tight jaw. jeez. stretch.

aaah. i do feel better....now i can lay down with the baby and not feel insane while i snuggle her to sleep.

this music on kgnu is live right now. so good. if it weren't for me being such a good girl with my monday homework, i wouldn't have turned on music at all today.

i look 12 now. wonderful!

fun

while the boys were snowboarding....the cinderellas were home, and it was fun.

fun.

..... then raw milk, chocolate popsicles afterward.....

i made myself dance while i mopped and popped. it's coming. slowly. slowly. i will begin to dance without forcing myself. but for now, i force it. i haven't regretted it yet.

then a little bit of artwork....

and the rest.....that did include a five o'clock melt down by mama, but whatever. mamas melt down too. sometimes. sometimes.

putting my robe back on.....

ha. i felt a little like i got all naked in my last post, and that's fine and natural, but i'm cold or something, cause i want to put my clothes on now.

this soup is so good, lentil soup inspired by lisa. i didn't have veggie stock, so i used a bunch of miso. i have never had miso and lentils and potatoes together, but i really like it. it tasted so earthy. it feels really good in the belly too.

i made my kids have four bites of it before they could have their cheesy macaroni tonight. they liked it, i could tell, even though they pretended not to. when it was time for bites # three and four, their mouths were so wide open. yes, i fed them. i still do that sometimes. sometimes.

LOVE

• honesty. randomness today.....
• i dreamt about gangaji last night. she was wearing jeans, so casual, and she loved me and we were just friends, hanging out. in reality, we went to hear her satsang right after our wedding! freaks!
• zhi had pajama day at school today and when her best friend came in not wearing pj's, zhi was totally totally broken hearted. i really felt her pain. little baby girl. i think we might come from some of the most sensitive genes in the pool, sometimes. and then sometimes i feel like we can be the rudest most selfish fish in the sea, too. so, go figure.
• i am really glad horse~riding started up again. these animals are alchemical in their effect on me. i LOVE them.
• i am getting a lot of concerned looks, and maybe even comments here, about our decision for max to have surgery for the cerebral palsy that shows up in his right leg, so i have some self-talking to do to respond to the feelings i am having about it today, so be warned, i am about to go on a kind of self~indulgent rant here, to remind myself most of all, what kind of girl i am. i love everyone for their concern, i need it. and it brings me closer to myself, so that is precious, yeah? yeah. but fuck is it scary, still. so here i go....................... i am not a western medicine junkie. i am the girl that won't take advil, or antidepressants because i am scared of the side effects (altho i might benefit from them?), but i am not scared of medical marijuana at all. i am the girl that wanted a homebirth, and saw a midwife and had a tub and towels all ready for my babe to come in at home. and then i am the girl who is so so lucky to have witnessed and been the recipient of western medicine, and a knife that could take max out of my warm womb in 3 minutes flat so that he could get untangled from the cord around his precious neck, and get some freaking oxygen in his body. i am the girl that went on to have two more babies vaginally, without an epidural, because i fucking insisted, and because of the world's most amazing doula! i made us drive out of town to a hospital that fucking allows VBACS still, so that my babes and i could at least have that possibility, and it happened. i am the girl that is married to a man who absolutely could not relax with a home birth after watching his firstborn almost die from complications that happened before labor even started, my baby just stopped moving. i am the girl that recently went to the apothecary for some herbal smoke to heal my lungs that have been coughing and expelling for months now, and i'm the girl that believes it's sadness lingering in the tissues. i'm the girl who has had her boy in alternative therapies his whole life so far, and when i feel the alarm go up in everyone who loves alternative therapies the most at the mention of a surgery, i get scared too. and i'm the girl who is watching him grow most intimately, and learning that it's only going to get worse from here. he's going to hurt, and his bones aren't growing well under the contracted muscles. i am the girl who is married to the guy who had twelve surgeries as a kid for a different kind of bone disorder, and who identified with the six-million-dollar man to keep his spirit in tact through out. i am the girl who now has a boy who seems to have karmically followed his daddy into a body that needs a lot a lot of help to get it going and on its feet, literally. i am the girl who cries a lot because of this. i am the girl who hates to be a downer, but this is just what's up in my world these days. i am the girl who goes to her tarot and medicine cards when she has a question. or her dreams, or her kids' art. i am the girl who feels like the life of the avatars on pandora is exactly what life on earth is meant to be like, and who feels like jane siberry's message, 'this is not how it's supposed to be', is here to wake us up a bit more. i am the girl who can feel when someone has cleared the energy in a space with sage and juniper before i even walk in the door. i am the girl whose boy wears hearing aids. i am the girl who shaved her head and flew away from this country, across the ocean, all by myself to find out who the heck i really am when i was 20. i am the girl who eats seaweed and whose kids eat seaweed because we crave it. i am the girl whose house smells like osha root most of the winter. i am the girl who drove to taos three summers in a row, with her babies in the backseat, to do freaky~healing~energy~re~patterning~neural~pathways work. i am the girl who will spend all her money on alternative healing, and nothing on new clothes (well, maybe 5 dollars at the thrift). i am the girl who questions everything to a fault. i am the girl that needs to go on a long long quiet walk today, and take some pictures of birds. i am the girl who just wants to be taking the best care of her baby possible. i am the girl who is smart, and lives in the year 2010, and really wnts to know what these dudes can do! i am the girl who has to be fearless, sharp as a tac, and full of faith all at the same time. a warrior girl. i am the girl who has to remember to smile, and even has to practice it, cuz i do tend to get real real serious otherwise. i am the girl who fucking has to schedule and force herself to dance these days. i am the girl who started college in the engineering school because math was just easy for me, dropped out after a year, and went back to study the fine arts because i let myself listen to my heart. i am the girl who knows i am every girl in some way. i am the girl who is psyching herself up to be able to handle all the well-meaning looks and questions about the decision to have her son operated on. i am the girl who is scared scared scared about the decision, but .......the girl who has also researched and listened and watched and learned and who trusts western medicine when it is used appropriately. i am the girl who has gone to couples therapy about 12 times, solely to figure out how to discuss, instead of fight, with her husband about the use of homeopathy as a medicine for their kids, instead of antibiotics, or fever reducer, or cough syrup..... i am the girl who stands by her intuition when she can hear it. i am the girl who strives to be fearless, and not worry about other people's well~meaning looks and concerns, and yet works at it so hard every single day. i am the girl who is scared! yet not too scared to turn away from something that seems to be a viable option for her boy who needs some help to grow his bones long and strong. like a horse. the boy who was born in the year of the horse. the power animal. i am the girl who questions other girls who are talking about getting an operation for their kid, and wonder to myself, 'is that what i would be doing?' i am the girl who's gonna be slipping arnica and whatever else the homeopath tells me to, to her son before and after his surgery. i am the girl who rubs flower essences into her babies skin right after their births to ease the transition from the womb to the earth's air. i am the girl who squirted breast milk into her babies eyes and nose before we would get on a plane. i am the girl who believes, from personal experience, that some of the most powerful medicines on the planet are the psychedelics, especially the ayahausca plant in the peruvian jungle, as well as lsd, which is totally man~made, western medicine, if you will..... i am the hippie girl, who is finding herself in the year 2010, with a very modern option available to her and her son. i am the girl who loves her apple computer, a lot! and her son's digital hearing aids that have allowed him to learn to speak as clearly as you and me. i am the girl who sounds like she is ego~tripping here, and yes, i must be to a degree, but that's okay. at least i know it, right? but, i am the girl who is a freak, who married the guy who is a freak, and they had the baby who is a freak, and they are hoping hoping hoping the freaky doctor they've found can help the boy's freaky bones to have the chance to grow, so he can be the coolest man freak this planet has every seen. cause there's no escaping the freakiness in the family. nope. not even a chance. the freak flag is here to stay. big exhale. i'm on my knees, sisters. i am scared scared scared. waving the sage all around, looking inward to find her, the warrior. she's in there. she's in there. i feel her. but for some reason i have to focus so hard to find her right now. and today. i have to find today. today. thursday. january. 2010. cold outside. warm inside. jasmine tea is yumm. a black man is singing his soul out through the speakers. i just cleaned under my fingernails. i am about to have therapy. again. again. again. again. the skin on my thumb is cracking. i love hand salve SO much. i need to pee. max is finishing up his fucking IQ test right now. because he has learning delays. i hate that IQ test. but we have to do that, to get him more support for schooling. i wish i homeschooled, but i don't. not now. not yet, so i have to roll with the path we're on, yeah? i didn't let myself cry in front of him today as i saw the kinds of questions that are on the test. i didn't want to scare him. he is so perfect. i cry.
• i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i am looking in to find her. i am breathing. i am grateful. 'i want a little sugar in my bowl. i want a little sweetness down in my soul.' that's what the singer is telling me now.
• here's to randomness! 'what's a matter daddy, come on save my soul.' SHIT! and i smile, finally.
• thank you. love.