all year long at school...

this girl watched everyone else learn to jump rope. she watched a lot. she wasn't interested at all in trying it herself. until, as it turns out, on the last day of school, after we said goodbye to everyone and the school. we went immediately up the mountain to the annual fire department garage sale that my mom volunteers at. it is so fun!!! the whole firehouse is cleared out of the trucks, and filled with donated items. zhi spotted a jump rope. a nice long one. after leaving the garage sale, we went back down to town for max to have physical therapy. the girls and i decided to just wait outside in a nice shady spot and have some snack and and some tea. or so i though. but, of course that jump rope was just calling out so loud!! we tied it to a fence, and i turned it. zhi took about 10 minutes to get the rhythm down. big jump, baby jump thing. then she just got it and started flying. we were laughing and i was screaming. you know that cheerleader in me is always CHOMPING at the bit to scream for someone. zhi told me the song she wanted me to sing, which i've now forgotten, and after the the little rhyme, we kept going to 134. she would stop every 10 jumps or so...but we'd pick up where we left off. she was SO proud. so was i!!! what a perfect accomplishment for her on her last day of kindergarten. so magical. her teacher has since emailed me some more songs!! we are gonna have some fun this summer.

and then zhi was showing olive how to begin learning to jump over the snakey rope. such a good big sister.

lion boy

mi madre made this lion head dress for max when he was 4 i think. it still sort-of fits him (however right after the play he told me it actually hurt to roar because it is a little tight....so sorry babe!!), so i just had to whip up a new suit. however he really didn't need anything beyond the head piece because it is so incredible. my mom is such an artist. but, it was late late late one night last week that i went for it, just so he'd be more complete as the lion in his class's rendition of rudyard kipling's the elephant's child . i had to use only whatever pattern and fabric i had on hand. that was a self~imposed limit. well, i found this little vintage clown suit pattern in my stash of patterns, in his size.

that seemed doable. then i found the right color fabrics, the right length zipper (i found an old serious collection of zippers once at an estate sale, many of which had been tediously ripped out of worn out clothing i'm guessing), and i even had a tail that had fallen off of a different thrifted lion suit that we no longer use. i used my serger for most every seam, after just getting a little refresher from the sewing teacher on how to use it because it was driving me crazy with bad stitching, and it was a success.

enough about me and the suit i made.

max was so amazing. he was so present and so into it and he really stepped into his character like a pro. i cried. his first grade class is so bonded. they are really like a family together. i love them so much.

i want to pause time. i am starting to feel the pain of the school year ending, and of this whole school relationship ending. ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. after closing ceremony, i really don't want to have to come home and be with this pain. going to avoid it. for now.

i'm going to eat my own tail today, and everyday

the season for parties is here. we went to my friend leslie's birthday party last weekend. it was so much fun. i LOVE a party where kids are as happy as the adults.

eat gelato anyway you can get it.

david does not want met to get another tattoo. this is kind-of what i'm wanting next. i've wanted it since one of my taos journeys, 4 years ago. oh my, another intention pouring forth. well, in my great interest of wu wei , which alan watts taught me the meaning of this morning, i know that i can set intention after intention, but i really only want to then sit back, and see which ones grow from the soil naturally. i want it on my shoulder upper arm area. and i want my nose ring back in. what is going on? david does not like nose rings or tattoos, or hairy armpits. and yet i had all of these things when we met and fell in love. so ha! and i had a shaved head to top it all off. and he STILL couldn't resist me. so ha, again! i am not wanting to spite him, or upset him, or be less attractive to him, i am just a self expresser. oh babe. how funny is all of this? how funny are we as a couple? how totally random are we? i have a friend who told me she was flirting with someone the other day who is not her type at all. well, i guess that's what david and i ended up with in a partner. we both fell in with a spouse who is just not our 'type'. that is hilarious to me. it tells me to really question the mind a LOT! the heart speaks a whole nother language, that is light years deeper than the mind's. the mind and heart, can they even converse? i do feel like the heart can guide the mind to wu wei types of action, because the heart can speak all languages, and still come from her rooted pumping self. but i feel that when the mind tries to tell the heart what to do, it is an instant stand~still. that is just not the natural flow of anything. that is the opposite of wu wei. what shall we call the opposite of wu wei? doo do. that's what i'll call it. you are doing, acting, with shit for brains. thinking what you yourself made up, in a separate, noninclusive, god~complex state, is the way. the tao. and it never flows does it? does it? no.

but will i do it, though, actually? will i mark and pierce my body again? only if wu wei says so. i have no interest in even trying to force anything anymore. and yet, there is so much forcing that goes on just to achieve anything, right? how many nights did i stay up late studying, or practicing, or painting, so that i could get to where i wanted to be in some modality or another? and how many of those nights did i force myself to do those things, instead of sleeping? i must not have wu wei (a different good link) fully understood. spontaneous and natural action. where does discipline come into play here? discipline is used to simply keep yourself present i guess.

anyhoo. i'm having a random break today at the trident, and i keep hearing crying babies, or just babies saying mommy, and i keep thinking i need to get up and tend. shifting gears is tricky sometimes. especially when you're trying to drive a stick shift in new zealand and noone ever told you that they arrange their gears reverse from the american way. like in the mirror image. i had trouble in new zealand driving the farmer's truck when i was wwoofing down there. serious trouble trying to go up hill from a stopping position in 4th gear, thinking i was in first. so when you aren't getting anywhere, my advice is to stop and think and see if maybe you are in a different world than you thought, and maybe everything is done differently. and maybe this is a blessing. maybe you are in a world where mess is blessed. and cleanliness is never equated with godliness. maybe keeping clean is just naturally done with the energy of wu wei. and if it's not been done, it's SIMPLY cuz it just wan't in the flow yet. aaah, but if the flow keeps avoiding the dirty areas, one does need to look at this eventually right? or does one need to trust the flow knows what it's doing? or do we get in there and see if we can redirect the flow to better serve our needs sometimes? if it's in the flow to redirect the flow, i guess we do. if it's in the flow to redirect the flow. you will just know.

needed some rest here in the car this weekend. this is such a busy full high week. oh my. dancing in my dreams so far this week!! to this!

a big transition.

we are about to be leaving a beloved school. not just for the summer, but for the future of our kids' elementary education it seems. this is the only contemplative education based elementary school in our area. it is so beautiful to me. it flowed perfectly from the preschool we joined, which uses the same model. they're like baby naropas. i can't believe we are leaving. it is really starting to hit me. we are leaving so much. it feels like we are leaving our family. we are having to look ahead and it seems like putting three children through private school is just not gonna happen. just putting two through this year has wreaked a lot of havoc on us financially. and i am of the mind~set that this is the most important thing in the world to spend what little money we have these days on. but there isn't even that now. we used to have a little money. we don't anymore. one of our new businesses, the yummy gelato shop, has taken us down. we're not saying 'oops' yet, but we are saying ouch, and 'wow, this is a hard business to get off it's feet.' so some sad things are happening. BUT. we have found ourselves signed up and enrolled in the public school system, and we're actually going to take the kids to visit their new school this afternoon. it is a special special public school, in an old classic school house from like a hundred and fifty years ago. and the enrollment is always around 20-30 kids for the WHOLE school. it's a little mountain town school. it really feels like a waldorf school in a way. and like a regular american public in some other ways. we'll be going up the mountain now instead of down the mountain. and we have also joined my friend's farm's csa this year, as have a handful of other old school friends. so i am feeling like i will still see many of our old friends from our beloved first elementary school, at the farm. we'll gather for the high pagan holidays out there i'm sure. and we will hang out whenever we feel like it too. it's not a death. but a definite transition. the kids are handling the thought and feel of changing schools so well so far. it helps that they know a lot of the kids at the new school already. oh my god, what if i become one of those people that doesn't come to town except once a week now? what if i come to love the high mountain life so much, that i cease to need the little city fix? i'd like to see that happen. it's hard to picture, but i'm curious what that would feel like. if only there was a thrift store up there. and i guess now that we're going to a school that isn't going to teach meditation, i might need to start teaching that at home. i am so NOT a homeschooling mom. not yet anyways. i would like to be, but it's just not happening. but one thing i feel fairly confident and good about, is beginning a sitting practice with them at home. oh my goodness. there's another intention. what is going on? is this what we do in spring? plant so many many seeds.

next day:

well, we went and had our visit at the new school and it was a big hit. how could it not be with a huge trough right in the middle of the classroom with baby chicks and baby ducks. it smelled like a farm. we sat in a circle and did a go round of introductions. after david introduced max, cause max was feeling shy, max decided he had something he wanted to say. that his dad spanks him! he said that. just like a little add on. 'oh, and my dad likes to spank me.' what a hilarious thing to say. except he was being very serious. david did swat max a couple times kind-of recently, and i guess he's gettin some payback. kids are the best best best. david had a funny response of course, saying, 'but i didn't make my hand bleed when i spanked you, so it wasn't a very hard spank at all.' ha. i hope i'm not called out on one of my bad parenting moments like that. zhi did say 'i don't want to go to a fucking new school,' to her teacher the other day. her teacher told me yesterday, with a giggle. i wonder where she learned that. hmmmm. i remember when max was in preschool a lot of potty talk would circulate occasionally. i used to be horrified that my tiny child was trying words like that out. i am so not horrified anymore. how funny is that? but i have yet to hear olive see how how it feels to swear. not in any hurry either.

we stayed the whole afternoon and played with kapla blocks and the babies. the ducks were zhi's favorite. the children in the class were so warm and welcoming. one of the other girls made zhi a card and an envelope. SO SWEET. and max found common ground with some other super~hero loving boys. it feels like it may be a semi~ smooth transition.....now for the last few days at our first love. can you say tears? uuuuugh. and joy. i know these last few days are so joyful. and it takes things up a few notches with max and zhi both having their birthday circles during this last week. holy moly. my ical is packed, as if it wasn't already. slow down the mind. let's go to the garden and slow it all down..........or something!! i did make max a lion costume that is pretty pretty funny. for a play the first graders a re performing in next week. david said he looks like he belongs in a church. it is kind-of like a clergy robe .... you'll see soon....

must say that olive is totally flirting and fake laughing with a man sitting near her in the trident this morning.

on a totally different note.... this. (you have to click on the ankh to watch the video!!)... i am a major badu fan. this is beautiful and powerful. i love this woman so much.

she teaches me so much

she reminded me about the awesomeness of...



jumping rope!! or jumping bufandas.

get your heart rate up and your sweat drippin (it happens so fast when jumping rope!!), and then dance your heiny off.

(this week, it's dance tuesday.)

then hear a new song and cry because it just opened something up.

here. this made me cry for my dad.

he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, one could say in vietnam during the war. he picked up habit of heavy drug and alcohol use that caused his liver to be taken down by cancer 5 and a half years ago, at the age of 59. watching him die was pretty freaking hard. which is an understatement. i don't even want to try to talk about just how hard that was right now. but this song is so good. it captures a part of his spirit so beautifully. that super alive fiery teacher in him. weird, i feel like i look a lot like my dad in that picture above. a song that makes you dance so much and cry a the same time is a special song.

more music by sean hayes...my new favorite musician! he is part ben harper, part jack johnson, part van morrison, part martin sexton, part michael jackson, part what else? i don't mean to diminish his uniqueness at all. just saying who he reminds me of here and there... i am in love.

here.

here...

more intentions being set

as i sit, wearing my rose colored glasses, olive sleeps in a shady parking spot, with the breeze blowing through the car on this lovely lovely lovely 70ish degree day. i can see the car clearly. i am breaking the law, though. bad bad girl. i told you. i have a cup of piping decaf. good girl, too. oh yeah. but you know what...it is actually satisfying. and i am paranoid it's not decaf. that would be a bummer. i have 45 minutes till i need to leave to pick m and z up. how nice when breaks like this occur, huh.

my parenting group today was satisfying also. it pretty much always is. today we felt into how we, ourselves, feel and handle transitions in our lives. we are often focused on how our children are with transitions, and she directed us to look at how we are with them. i instantly felt into how i made the transition from before max's surgery to after it. i mean, the fact that i made it is quite astonishing to me. and i am sure the way i made it in a somewhat conscious manner, was through all that exercise i did, at the urging of my mentor/therapist/teacher/friend. she insisted over and over that i exercise a lot. hard. that, and quitting caffeine (which my body insisted on all on her own), i would say were key to that transition going kind-of smoothly. and so now, even though i am not at a place like i was with my child having major spinal surgery, i am still going through seasonal transitions, and actually daily transitions i'd say. life is intense for me. i've just got to accept that. i don't feel like it's really ever not going to feel somewhat intense, just because of the way i feel everything. it is a curse and a blessing. you know. so because of this, i realized today, that i need that exercise a lot, all the time. not just when we are looking at a major event like surgery or whatever is off the charts intense like that. so, here i am setting an intention to get myself into a really regular pretty hard~core workout routine. i am so curious to see how that might give me a stronger sense of balance. when do i fit that in to our days? with school ending, how does this want to happen? do i wake up earlier than i usually do? do i have to go to bed earlier? wah. that sounds horrible. do i start going to the gym and letting the kids go to childcare while i huff on the machines? do i take us all on a hike and just run circles around them to keep my heart rate up? does david send me off to hike alone sometimes? i probably do all of these. vary it. but leslie's main message was to look at how we have some kind of habitual pattern in our relationship with transition. and that that habitual pattern is usually not really serving us anymore. it probably did when we were kids, and that's why it developed. but now, it probably isn't, and that when we recognize the old pattern, we can identify it when we start acting it out, and choose to drop down below it into our truest state of being. we can then act, do, speak, be, from down there. a lot like the juggling versus knowing metaphor from last week. sort-of. so my habitual pattern in intense times is often to abandon self~care, in the name of caring for everyone and everything else. wow, does that not serve me. or anyone else actually.

i went through with the salon appt. i now have a sassier do. some layers. some bod. some product. i want to learn how to make my own hair gel or hair lotion to tame my frizz. the night after i got my hair cut, i had a nightmare that i, for some reason started cutting at it some more. it looked bad. i was so regretful, and bummed that i fucked my cute hairdo up. and then i woke up. that was a nice relief. love when that happens.

i am sitting by a coffee shop next door to the hardware store, and a lady just walked to her car with a gallon of round-up. i want to ask her why? why? why do you feel that is the way to go? i am pretty freaked about the ocean. about the earth's whole body. shit! what do we do? how are our grandkids going to live? i feel like i can't take it. the earth is too beautiful to be damaged like this. and yet she is incredibly strong. maybe she will guide us somehow. maybe she will shake her fist and whip us into gear somehow. i can't see any other way. i just don't want our children, or the innocent animals, to pay for any of this. and they so are. holding reality squarely in my palm, without running, is a terrible challenge. sometimes i do run away. i will admit to checking out. but not every time. mmm. you know what sounds good, is to start, or join a prayer group where we simply pray for healing. that's all. super simple. meditate on the earth healing. doesn't that sound good? focusing our energy there for an hour a week. or even an hour a month. blissful! heck, i could do this on my own just to start.

okay. times up. and i see someone looking suspicious like they're going to call the police on me for leaving olive in the car, i think. better run!!

okay. lots of intentions coming out of me lately.

termine la bufanda (finished the scarf)

i used this free pattern. but i only used one strand of yarn at a time, not two like the pattern says. it's some really funky scratching wool i found thrifting. i love it.



i like it so much. oh yeah. i love it. i like the color split in the middle of the neck. i like the beautiful cables. yay.....i knit this scarf throughout the past few months here and there, and it came to max's surgery with me. holy moly it has a lot of memories in it.

and i made a new hot pad....and infused it with baking powers. that might seem funny, cuz we are bakers, we make our livelihood by owning and running a freaking bakery. but i want to do more baking at home. lots and lots. and i want to improve the gluten free recipes i've tried. so while i made this pad, i put a lot of intention and prayers into bringing more baking into or home. now i just need to find us a cast iron muffin pan like i saw at bluebirdbaby's blog! well. happy weekending. love. what do you want to do more of in your life? what could you make to set that intention into form???

dream

my kids' mayfest celebration last week. so sweet. let it be may.

good dreams are the best. with all the turmoil and stormy weather in my waking life, i have been having some REALLY fun dreams at night.

so, it just snowed a lot and froze and sucked. and now it's gonna be in the high seventies all weekend. uh-huh. and all the peach blossoms are damaged. such a let down. but what can i do? i definitely grieved this. and now, i am looking out the window, ready to welcome the sun back still. very ready. forgiving whoever, zeus (?), for what he did the past few days.

look at how cute my kids are up there. olive felt right at home. so did max. that was the first time i've been in public with him where i know people noticed his scar. that was an interesting experience to sit with. well, i mean, he's shown a lot of friends and teachers at school, but this was the first time people we don't know were seeing it. no big deal. just a new thing for me. anyways, library story time yesterday was the best. i bliss out when i see them enjoying life. the reader yesterday had them perma smiling. and i was sitting on the side next to another mama that i recognized from the folks festival last year. i was so interested in how she was underlining sentences in the book she was reading. i assumed she was taking a class, and i peeked at the title of the book, and it is this book. i asked her if she is in school, and she said nope, she just likes to read this way. how cool! i mean, we can't do that with library books, but why not underline away all our own books. i could see how that would help things stick more. she said she's loving the book. i want it now! and i want to underline all my favorite lines just like she was. so that's what happened yesterday morning before the day went

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i had acupuncture this morning and i'm feeling glad to be alive again. aaaaaah.

gnome's perspective. towering dandelions.

sunshine. warmth. come. upon. me.