12/18/8

 

find my discipline, and then find my inspiration.  harvesting coriander for our veggie chili.

 

What is up with the aversion to just sitting down and doing the work that I know will fill me and serve me?  I know it’s some kind of human condition, and that we all do this to some degree, but why?  It almost seems like some kind-of self torture, delaying doing that which will make us feel so much better.  Are we just a bunch of self-abusers?  

 

Well, no more!  No more!  I will delay no longer.  I am no longer surfing blogs.  I have closed safari, and opened word.  I am doing that which serves me best right now.  Purging my brain of my own thoughts…..a very good thing,  holy fuck, my brain pretty much never turns off.  Poor thing.  But this definitely helps.  I feel a lot more space and room for creative flow, in that data processor/intuition decoder bobbling around in my skull after writing just a few of the random thoughts down.  A lot more peaceful thoughts find their way in when all the disjointled (I know that’s not a word, at least not a recognized one) ones get jointled on this virtual paper. 

 

There was a dead ant in my black tea this morning.  I found it in my mouth.

(here we are on a winter sleigh ride in negative degrees.  olive is having her pssss, psssss's)

Olive notes

12/14/8

 

Olive at my side, I wouldn’t want it any other way.  And I remember this today, as I think about starting her in preschool at the age of 2!  No way.  She’s only 2.  Max started at 4.  Zhi started at 3.  My sweet babes.  I can’t send her any earlier.  Nonono.  That’s her newest word this weekend.  No and not.  And she has hot down pat.  And my and mine.  And baby. 

 

Her first word/words was baby girl.  Then tickle.  Mama has been said a few times, coming more and more.  Dat, for that.  And dis for this. 

 

12/17/8

 

Sweet thing, you are so beginning to talk. I mean, you are putting words together lightning quick now.  And it just started happening all of a sudden.  I mean, you’ve had a few words pop up here and there since summer, but now, holy moly. You started saying go just the other night.  You were watching max an zhi running up and down the hall, shouting ‘ready set go’, and you just started saying ‘GO’.  And running after them. 

 

You also love to play peek-a-boo, and the way you say boo is my favorite thing.  You say bow.  I love that so much.

 

The way you ask for boobs……you say psssss, psssssss.  I love that too, maybe more than bow for boo.  Yes, definitely more.  Our sweet little communications, they are so special to me.  In the middle of the night I hear a sweet little, pss, pssss, and we snuggle in and go right back to sleep together.  And in the day, how you are constantly reaching down my shirt with your take on how to say boobs, pssssss, olive, I love it all so much.

 

You also say owie now, when something hurts, like in response to a bang or scrape.  But the other day I was holding juniper, and the way you let me know, along with some wimpering and other obvious crying type communications, was by saying ‘owie, owie, owie.’  Claire and I thought you were so brilliant to be able to translate hurt feelings into the same category as hurt body.  Yes.  And I so promptly handed juniper to her mama, and scooped you up and gave you boobs and snuggles and your very own mama love.

 

The way you say hot is worth noting too…. You emphasize the h part, and hold out your hand, kind of like the gesture to stop traffic.  You do this because every time I’ve shown you something hot, I do that with my hand, to feel the heat coming off the fireplace or the oven, or the candle, or the lamp. You really get it, and you love to point to lights now, and show me that they too are hot. 

 

A couple nights ago, your dad was saying that it was night time. You immediately began saying night night.  Night night.  Nigh nigh. Nigh nigh.  I think we said it a hundred times, all of us, back and forth. 

i love your voice olive.  music to my ears.  singing is coming next i bet.  

 

 

this mystery

enough self respect to attend to this mystery.....thomas merton

wow.  i just had a double shot americano.  yikes!  i answered emails and facebook notes.  

i just can't get deep into my zone lately.  i like to think it's just a phase, and not worry about it.  

self respect in the mystery.  i dreamt last night about the 2 coolest antique phones in the world.  one was in the shape of an owl, both the handset and the base.  the base was owl feet, the handset was the most delicate crystal-like baby owl.  it was really beautiful.  the other phone was an old red push button corded phone.  the kind with a heavy base.  it was in excellent condition, and was a good price my sister told me.  the owl phone was in great condition too, but just a little dirty.  one quick wipe is all it needed.  i wanted both.  i was going to buy both.  i am actually really into old phones right now.  i look for them in all the thrift stores and antique stores.  i want one in every room.  just like at my grandma's house.

loving..

myself today. or maybe more accurately, being patient with myself today.   this is my birthday week.  32.  

15 minutes....

to write today.  well, i had 25, but my inbox was full of emails from people griping about their life and that took some time to reply to.  fuck.  life is a highway, and i want to ride it all night long.  that song is so dumb.  but it pops into my headway too often.  it's permanently ingrained into one of my 16 year-old brain grooves and thinks it has permission to just shout its lyrics out inside my head whenever it feels like it.  just like a 16 year old.   my kids haven't learned the word dumb yet.  how is that possible?  i bet it's coming.  maybe i'll teach it to them.   then it won't have the appeal that stupid poopy butt dirty diaper has.  they'll be like, 'oh mom taught us that word, so not cool, then.'  

this picture of max and zhi at the post office is from a year ago.  i need to look at it, to remember how relaxed and capable i was that day.  taking all 3 youngins out for errands, having fun, and even getting some pics of it.  i can do this again.  i am currently in a one day at a time outlook capability.  as are a lot of people i know.  what motivates you?  this is always interesting for me to learn about people, and to get fresh ideas.  cause isn't motivation totally related to inspiration, and aren't we just rockin when we're inspired?  what inspires and motivates you to get out of your funk and into the light supported way again?  

today i swear i need to meditate.  i swear i need to meditate everyday.  i did at a red light this morning and that helped.  we are really living down to the nitty gritty these days.  just getting lucky here and there, to get a break from the darkness.  fuck.  maybe i'll teach the kids the word fuck today too.  

i am in a thrifting phase.  it's funny how phases appear, and zoom, i am swept into their current in such a clear undeniable way.  i love it.  yesterday i found the sweetest quilt at the humane society thrift store.  and 5 little handmade doll dresses.  ( i wish i had pictures today but i don't...)  

zhi is just getting into changing dolls clothes, and she gets really into it.  she simply sits on her bedroom floor for a solid hour really looking at them and planning what she wants to put them into.  it's like a meditation for her.  i so love this.  last week, she really needed to change  the clothes on this little trolly doll, but the shirt was sewn on to the neck, somehow also being the way the doll's head was attatched to it's body.  she was so passionate about needing to put a different dress on this doll, and at the time she asked me to help, i was all uptight about it being time to make lunch and doing this project after, but my sister was there, and she kind-of helped me relax somehow just by being there interested in what zhi was doing.  she brought me a glass of water to drink, and i said okay, we can do this before lunch.  and we all sat down and used the seam ripper to remove the shirt, which made the head fall off, and then sewed her head back on, and then zhi was able to do what she needed to do, put on a different dress.  sometimes it's really really important to change your clothes.  i am dead serious.  it can make the hugest difference, for me anyways.   that's another reason thrifting is so goddamn awesome. you can get yourself a whole new wardrobe, not just for dolls, for dirt cheap.  yay!  my sister and i were wondering how you start a thrift shop.  how do you do it?  they are so cool.  knowing that the money i paid for the quilt and doll clothes yesterday,  and also some $1.50 new awesome snow boots for zhi, is going to help the humane society is like the best organic juicy cherry on top.  

the picture of zhi and the troll cup is funny.  have you ever seen a cup like this?  it actually freaked max out.  he wanted NOTHING to do with it.  he was creeped out to his core.  zhi is such a troll herself, like me, i guess that's why she liked it.  mmmm.  we are troll girls.

trolls.  scandanavian trolls.  and just for the record, david gave me 20 more minutes!   so i really had 35!

progress

The cat is going in her litter box!  we gave her a covered one and she is a pro now.  it is so awesome.  max is sleeping in his bed all night.  we gave him some rules, and he now knows that it is just a simple rule that we stay in our beds till the sun comes up.  this is cool cool stuff happening at the cohen house.  

christians and jesus and magic feelings.....

everywhere i turn today i am either hearing people talking about their savior jesus or reading about people who are professing their love for him.  initially i get an uncomfortable feeling by christians doing this because i get scared that they view and judge me as evil because i am not doing the same as them.  but today, i am very interested in this uncomfortable feeling, and you know what i found when i went into it?  that i love jesus too.  i really do.    

when i think of jesus i think of the color gold, almost always.  i had a phase a couple years ago where i was very interested in jesus's energy.  i sewed with gold thread on everything i made during that time.  i got goldish-colored shingles for our roof that was being rebuilt.  it was a spiritually rich time for me.  i was falling in love with jesus.  i really feel like i understand how christians become so devout.  

i also had a phase where i was very into ramana maharishi's teachings.  i painted his face on the top of a tree trunk.  i still carry a photo of him with me in my wallet.  i know how devout followers of his teachings become monks and committed meditators.  

i also had a phase where i was really into the energy of isis, the egyptian lady.  it all started with a strong snake waking dream experience i had in taos, and as i followed my nose in researching snake medicine and lore, i came to isis, and found such a wealth of information that really fed me and my hungry spiritual belly.  

 it can be the most powerful of experiences to read or hear about a spiritual way, when it touches your soul.  the most powerful experience ever.  how can you not fall down on your knees and dedicate the rest of your life to spreading that word?   

i love the way i feel when i walk into a church.  there's something magical feeling about it for me.  i even got this feeling in the tiny church inside the hospital where my sister had her baby.  i get the feeling especially strong when the church is empty.  where else do i get this feeling?  when i sing with someone.....  it's so much better than singing alone.  on airplanes after a glass or 2 of wine.  on hikes, after i've started sweating a little.  whenever i see a big bird flying over.  when there is a forest fire.  when i know a friend is in labor.  when i know a loved one is dying.  when i'm reading a  r e a l l y  good book.   when i'm sewing.  when my husband wears something i picked out for him.  when i'm laughing with my children.  when i'm working with plants.  when i'm with horses.  it's so abundant this feeling.  jesus is busy.

groove

i am about to vent.........
groove is not our current state of life at night. i am so sad about the way i am woken up every night.  last night it was by every member of the family.  who am i?  the mom?  oh, yeah.  and a sexual woman?  oh yeah.  being woken up to make love is one thing, that i cannot complain about because i did enjoy myself and his self, but after that, it was a nonstop barrage from each of the 3 children, that i am sad to say i did not enjoy.  in my sleep-deprived, traumatized -by 6+ years of choppy choppy sleep-state,  i  told max that i will not talk to him until he stops waking up in the middle of the night to check the house for spiders, which he does by turning on EVERY light in the house, while talking out loud, and then deciding it is a fine time to start playing and often waking up his sister to play with him.  WHAT THE FUCK ?  this is happening at 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, am.   this is so not okay.  we tried putting a gate up on his bedroom door, but he just thrashes on it, getting me out of bed to firmly tell him where he can go, back to bed.  so, i told him i am not going to talk to him, and that there will be absolutely no video watching until he stops getting out of bed at night.  he's never even found a spider in his many searches.  but i know he has hallucinated that he's seen them 'all over the floor and bed', because he came in and told david this one night, in a very concerned and sweet voice.  i feel for his plight so much.  but it is simply not going to be tolerated anymore.  what can i do? i can ask for help from the angelic realm, i mean pray.  and i can ask people here on earth that might have some creative or insightful ideas for us.  nobody has yet, though.  help us help us help us.  please dear helpful entities.

next time i am aiming to write something positive.  it would be very good for me.  i feel like i have been on a negative spin lately.  i want to find the groove so bad.  

oh-  here's one positive thing, my guitar lesson yesterday was so great!  i am now attempting to sing blackbird while playing it at the same time!  i have a long way to go, though.  i can't seem to hit the right note at the part that goes, blaaaack biiiird flyyyyyyy, into the light of the dark black night.  david says i need to just listen and sing along to paul a whole bunch and then i'll get it.  but how cool that i am even at he point of trying to sing it now too!  i am so excited about this.  and max played a g chord yesterday!  i am so excited for him.  i've got plans for us to learn 'peace like a river'  together next.  it is supposedly simple and easy.  like 2 chords easy.  and he and zhi go around singing it all the time now, so i know he likes the song.......maybe this will be a good mantra for me today.  i've got peace like a river in my soul, i've got peace like a river in my soul.  i've got peace like a river, peace like a river, i've got peace like a river in my soul.  i'm not even close to 'joy like a fountain yet', but i really am excited to get there.  

mornings used to be my favorite part of the day

what has happened to me?  i feel like a failure in the mornings.  my kids won't listen to me, and my cats suck at using their box.   we have some planning to do to remedy this situation.   part of me wants to just drop out, run away.  but i know i can't do that.   so i have to be an adulto  (as opposed to kiddo, zhi coined this)  and use my brain, my willpower, my creativity,  AND my heart and do some creative problem solving.  i think i can.  i think i can.  i'm not really sure.  

november 12

the title of jim hightower's book, 'swim against the current; even a dead fish can go with the flow' made me laugh this morning.  i really like listening to him on the radio.  today he was explaining why the new ads from oil companies sharing how they care about the environment and are going to help clean it up, are like putting an freshener on the tail of a pig.  i like him.  

i am having a hard hard time in the morning getting max in particular to put his goddamn warm, winter appropriate clothes on.  oh, and cleaning up the goddamn cat poop from the cat who is such a little fucker and not going in her box randomly.  i could scream.  and i guess i kind-of do.   at least i'm not emotionally constipated, as nii armah last night said a lot of us are these days.  but i am a little reactive.  maybe a lot reactive.  but not constipated!  

it feels weird to type with callused fingertips.  the pinky is the one that is taking the longest, and it's the most important finger for playing blackbird.  not much i can do but be tough and wait for it to harden up.

my dad was a veteran. there was a flag over his casket.  and men in uniform standing all around.  i don't really even know what the vietnam war was all about.  but i know it wasn't america's business to be fucking with, at least i've heard that a lot.   it was important to my dad that he have a military funeral.  he did.  and we will never forget that he was a veteran.  it changed his life in the most profound of ways.  i know this.  he never talked about his war experience, and yet he asked to be laid to rest with all his brothers who had been to war too.  

loving

what i'm loving.....

the obamas.

my new supermaggie shirt.

today..11/11.  i am wearing one piece of corduroy right now.  i need to go put on my shirt and i'll be all ready for the club meeting.  

another reason i like 11/11.....it's the birthday of spruce confections!  ummmm, this little bakery has changed my world in the hugest of ways.  

what my sore fingers foretell.   i know they won't be sore forever, and soon i will be able to play the guitar for as long as i want.  blackbird is the first song i'm learning.  i'm loving it so much.  hangon people, max and i are really into our guitar lessons.  watch out....

the dream i had the other night about my sister being seriously into tshirts with spiders and spiderwebs on them.  zhi and i have a plan to make her one now, and a matching one for juniper.

green tea, as always.

the kids newly organized dresser drawers, all labeled and cleared of summer clothes.

that i have a free night tonight, to see a movie, go out with a friend, do whatever i like.  

horse riding!  it's our favorite day today.  lady godiva and slick.  max is riding slick now!  he seems to like to walk and trot more than sir gallahad.  sir gallahad wanted to take a break, take a vacation i think.

that my man is talking about starting a david deida based men's group.  sexy.

my studio this morning.  it is perfect for me.  the trident wasn't calling me, and i am so thankful that the studio was.

i was at my first birth, last week, my first birth where i wasn't the one with the baby inside ready to come out.  this baby girl came out of my sister's vagina, and it was a miracle.  i love my sister so much.  imaging her having her baby without me there was painful, and we agreed to pray and pray that life would work it out so that i could be there.  that baby and claire taught me so much.  about prayer, letting go, and trusting.   getting out of the way when it's necessary, and stepping right up to the stage when that's necessary. hanging back, but not checking out. stepping forward with only love and support to give, without any expectations.   my sister opened her body up so beautifully, with so much grace and courage, and then pushed her baby out with the strength and endurance of an elk-horse-woman.  it was incredible.  and juniper hung right in there with her mama through every contraction.  they were so tight.  there was so much love flowing through this birth, between mama and baby and daddy and all the attendants, especially aunt heather and cousin olive.  we were there, hanging in there for every contraction too.  it was a family affair of the highest order.  

coming back from the epic week of being with my sister and kele for juniper grace goodwin's birth and first 6 days has been hard.  wah wah.  i am questioning my strength.  my ability to do my job at home the way i want to.  and you know what it all boils down to?  seriously?  can i keep my house as clean as i want it to be?  i just can't.  can't can't can't.. there's no 'i think i can' mentality that i need to conjure up.  this is about accepting.  and getting creative.  and saying, 'fuck the goddamn cleaning.  i have little kids to play with, goddamnit! '  if i sit here and mull over thoughts about housekeeping anymore right now i feel like i will spin out of orbit and maybe never come back.  but just fyi,  i am now having daymares of dirty toilets coming at me from all sides, and i just can't get to them.  there is so much laundry in between them and me, i never get to give the toilets any cleaning attention.  but you know who did yesterday after i told him about my hallucinations?  yeah, he did.  that guy is nice.  i really appreciate him.  he also redesigned the litter box, so that our cat who likes to hang her butt out over the edge and drop her poop just outside of the box, can't reach her butt over anymore!   

on another note.  the energy of today so far is exciting at the trident.  extra busy.  and hopeful.   i feel hope in the air.   it feels good.  kind of like a birth actually.  i will use my lessons from juniper to remember about prayer, letting go, and trusting.  thank you eagle girl.  i love you!

corduroy club

i am thinking about starting a local chapter here.  

i first read about this club when i was up high in a new york city hotel, between barfings in the first trimester of olive's gestation, reading the new york times.  it was one of the most uplifting and happy memories i have of that trip, the article.  i still think about it!  i really want to start a club!   i might start making some invites, of corduroy.  you need a minimum of 11 people, yikes!   that's a lot.  but if you start looking around, there are a lot of corduroy lovers, there really are!

that's why this club is so important!  to each meeting you have to wear a minimum of 2 pieces of corduroy.  that's all that's required to come.

grateful for a new friend

what were david and i talking about that i was just all inspired to write down?  dang it.  what was that?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

oh well.  i love u memory, i wish you'd help me out here, when it's convenient, that is.

grateful.  i feel grateful for the new cat we brought home last night.  for daboo, we put signs up, saying 'lost black cat....reward.'  and our phone number.  we were called three times about this cat that found his way into a studio  a little ways up the mountain from us.  i guess there are a few people who share this studio, and they all separately called us.  i'm surprised at how many people noticed the signs!  david went to see if it was daboo.  no.  but it was a sweet friendly guy, and david told them if he wasn't claimed to call us, cause we might be up for giving him a home.  so a week later, we went and got him.  he is amazing.  so confident and comfortable and playful.  and eerily reminds me of boo.  i am now very interested in training our cats to go outside on a leash only.   we are naming him otis honeystick.  it's a collaboration of max and zhi.  guess who chose which name!

i still can't remember what i was trying to.  that sucks!  it usually comes back....eventually.

not so sure

about anything......for example, like, 

  where does my genius lie? 

 this is my homework.  to ask myself this question.  i've been looking all around, and haven't spotted it yet.  genius, where are you???  you are so evasive it seems.  you are not in my  housecleaning.  or my ability to get a good night's sleep....you are not in my social skills.   you are definitely not in my memory abilities.  ummmmmmm.  stumped.  wait.      thrifting!!!  i've located a possible source.  arguing?  no.  i'm a terrible arguer.  i usually just want to run away when it gets intense, or i start screaming and cussing and acting like a hyena.   that is not genius.

transplanting.  i did discover a skill i have this summer, which is spotting a plant in the garden that is not happy and thriving, and transplanting it to a spot where it goes on to thrive.  that is cool.   is that genius, though?  

i may not have any genius in me.  AHA!  maybe that's where my genius lies. in telling the truth!  

my truth of course.  here's where i am taking a risk at sounding cocky.  i feel like i can also tell when others are telling their truth.  i am a human lie detector!  but don't be afraid.  i respect your right to lie.  i can just tell when you're doing it.   do i sound like  i have a god-complex now?  dang- it....  how do i get around that?  actually, it's not a god-complex...but a finely tuned animal instinct.  i am animal.  she-animal.  my kids know this well.  i roared last night, loud and full with the moon.  they were smart and hid.  mama-animal.  animal.   animal  animalanimalanimal.....

solstice came home.  but not daboo yet.

playing

fun freaky photo....inhaling the light.

 fantasy:

            There are trees being chopped.   Puppies barking.  Coffee dripping.  People smiling.  People biting their lips.  People praying.  And there is a beautiful mountain just beside them.  And a king and queen who live close to the top.  They wake with the birds most days.  Although occasionally they stay in bed well past sunrise because their young children sometimes wake them up in the night for a hug, or a breast.  But upon waking, this king and queen kiss each other and smile, most days.......

real life:

sleeping like crap.  The babe would like to suck on my boobs 4-8 times a night .  I can gracefully deliver 2 milkings.  After that, I just cannot.  She is 15 months old, and I feel like 2 is even luxurious for her, and I want to give her all that she wants, within reason, but a mama who is bitchy because she isn’t getting enough sleep is definitely not what she wants.  But we are going through about 5 tantrums a night, in the middle of the night, right now, because she is protesting heavily.  It is crazy.  David wears earplugs.  I just hang with her, I don’t want her to feel alone.  It’s so hard.   There’s a part of me that would nurse her forever if she wanted….but the part of me that is seriously integrated into a human body is drawing a line about the middle of the night boob sucking.  Fuck.  I hate it so much, doing something that makes her so sad.  I hate it. 

 

I’m going to go back into my little fantasy world now, to calm my mind….

 

After waking up, the sounds of dishes and a teakettle bring them into the new day, just like all the mornings before, for the most part.   The animals shuffle in their pens, excited to see a person emerge from the little mountain castle.  The dog licks the children until they giggle.  The king loves a hot shower in the morning.  And his queen smiles inside, and outside, when she hears the song he’s chosen for this day, to sing his way in.  Most mornings, he sings an old blues tune, the likes of leadbelly.  A bale of cotton, and god damn, are regular phrases in these morning shower chants.  His son, the prince, has been taking notes for a while now, and the queen hears him sing the same songs as he is pulling on his socks, and searching the castle for where he last left his shoes.  the princesses are never far off, as this castle is not a large one.  It is the size of a 2 car garage really, but a castle nonetheless.  So, They are never far off, and this is never in question, because of the sounds of them squealing as they begin their day’s play.

 

 

 

 

i love animals

10/3/8

 

now solstice is not coming home.  I am totally torn about having pets now.  I am sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad .  I want to say it’s not fair. I just want to be able to have a pet, that won’t be stolen by some other bigger animal out there.  Nature is kicking my butt here.  We need pets.  We have to have pet animals to love.   I want to move.  I want to live somewhere where we can have horses, dogs, cats, chickens, and goats.  I am sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad.   but i am definitely grateful to have known daboo cohen.  he was a blessing in our lives.  solstice cohen, you little fucker.  you were such a scaredy cat, until someone pined you down to pet you, and then you were a purring machine.   you guys killed many birds and mice in yer days.  yes you did.  i trust nature, but she makes me cry sometimes.  i cried for many of the birds you guys brought us, as i burried them ........i went looking for daboo again yesterday, and saw a big shiny black mass moving high up in a pine tree.  i had a moment of feeling like i found him.  it was a raven. it started talking to me.  but i couldn't really understand.  i am taking raven medicine to heart now.  trying with all my might to trust this.  to trust in the animals.

 

 

bacio

no daboo.

10/1/8

 

there was a couple behind me in line today a the trident…she said, ‘do you want, tung ting, milky oolong, or shan lin?’  he said, ‘I don’t know what any of those are.’  She said, ‘I’ve never had milky oolong, let’s try that.’  And he said, ‘okay, let’s see what they consider milky.’  Then he leaned into her, and licked her lips, and they kissed for a few seconds.  It was disgusting.   In the way that watching people who just kiss for the habit of it, not because there was any real passion being felt, is disgusting, to me.  That sounds so harsh.  Just a couple licks and lip presses, and they’re done.  So gross to me.  If they’d been steaming hot for each other, I’d have felt it, and then I’d have been turned on too.  But this was so different.  The way they kissed each other had the same vibe as the way most people feel when they are licking an envelope. Very pragmatic, with intention and focus, and then done.  I want to throw up now.  I have such opinions about the way I am kissed.  But hey, if there’s one thing we can be entitled to have opinions about, it’s the way we are kissed.  My most recent spiritual lesson has been about having opinions, and sharing opinions, about others.  What I’ve learned, is that we are not entitled to share our opinions, about others.  If they’re about yourself, that is cool.  That’s kind-of a well-known rule.  I wish it was more well-known however.  How many times have I been given two cents I wanted nothing to do with?  The idea though, that we are actually not entitled to have opinions about others rocked me quite a bit.  We can, however, have all the opinions we want about ourselves, or our own personal preferences, for things like kissing.  As I wrote that, I realized that it’s not necessarily beneficial to have lots of opinions about yourself either though.  In a way, it’s a form of suppressing yourself, putting yourself in a box.  And that’s exactly why we can’t do it to others. You’re not allowed to hurt others, but sadly, we are allowed to do anything we want to ourselves.  The fine line comes in for me, in differentiating between feelings and opinions.  We have feelings about others all the time.  Feelings don’t come with a well-thought out story or description though.  They are simply a bodily sensation.  I can say, that person gives me the feeling of having a knot in my stomach.  With That person my toes tickle.  With her, my heart swells.  With him, I smile.  When I saw them kiss, I felt like throwing up. That kind of thing.  Totally fine.   If I were to say, I think the way they kiss is awful, I am not entitled.  It’s really about me and my personal preferences for kissing, not actually about them at all.   I am just learning about all this.  I am not really sure what I’m saying here.  But it was fun to describe that kiss, and what it made me feel like.  And I guess I just need to be sure that if the tables were turned, and someone else was grossed out by the way I like to kiss, that I’d be okay with that, and not take it personally, but realize that they are completely entitled to their own opinion about the way they like to kiss.  It gets tricky here.  Haven’t we heard a million times, ‘well, he’s entitled to his opinion.’  It’s actually, ‘he’s entitled to his feelings’ or, 'he's entitled to his opininion about *himself*.'  That helps a lot for sensitive people who like to take everything personally!  Whew.  did that make any sense?

weird!!

scott and i are on the same page~~  i just said last week i was going to teach my kids that weird is good, and then i get this newsletter of his today!  WEIRD!

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: Weird Is Good! ::

Our culture is full of contradictions. For example,
it's good to be unique and original, but it's not good
to go too far off the beaten path... "Don't be *weird*!"

But aren't uniqueness and originality weird by
definition?

So let's settle this once and for all: It's *good* to
be weird! In fact, the words *weird* and *worthy* have
the same root. (Really!)

If you subscribe to "The Daily Groove," you're
probably a weird parent. You don't *do* conventional
parenting, and you probably get strange looks from
parents who do. If you think they think you're weird,
it's because they do!

But only because YOU ARE! :-)

So get a piece of paper and write "Weird Things I Do"
along the top, then make a list... a LONG list.

When you're done, cross out "Weird Things I Do" and
change it to "Things I Appreciate About Myself!"

Now, whenever someone points out your weirdness, you
can proudly agree and accept the compliment: "Thanks!" :-)

http://www.dailygroove.net/weird

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle

being weird seems to be a genetic trait in our family, so we got lucky in that way.  

we are not feeling lucky at all in the way we have lost our most beloved daboo this past week.  i am in so much pain, but i still feel his love so powerfully.  i asked the sky the other day, where are you daboo?, and i was immediately answered with one rain drop on the head.  fuck!  i want him back.  he was our first pet, and it really seemed like he might have had an immunity to the typical fate of a house cat living in the wild rocky mountains...he'd survived 4 years, and many close calls.  he might come back, though!  he's done it before, although it just seems like it would take a miracle.  i am so open to a miracle occurring so that he could come back to us.  SO OPEN TO THAT.  daboo, if yer on the internet....come home!!!

kind love

wertwertertetwertwerttwertwertwertwtewrtwertwt

i like this font today.  

sometimes i can't find the sweetness in me, no matter how badly i want to.  and then often, i walk away from the sour situation, and the gentle me just reappears, poof.  and i wish so much i could have a do over of the previous sour time, i wish i hadn't let people see how rigid and sour i can be....but, fuck it!  i definitely don't want to sit in judgement of myself....and i know i'll do better given another opportunity.  i'm not so hot on the first shot.  i'm not a whole in one-er very often....nobody is though, right?  that's why there is such a thing as practice!  i just need more opportunities to practice speaking and being comfortable in groups.  sometimes it really comes down to being overwhelmed by the physical sensations that overtake my body when i get nervous, and then i am basically in survival mode.  the butterflies, the heat, the cold, the tightness, the shakiness....all also known as fear.  my love, fear.  my teacher, fear.  of fear, how i appreciate you in all your relentless insistence that i get this.....fuck!!  when? when? WHEN? i chose to do the scariest thing once for my final project in a class i was in at CU.  perform a tribal dance, by myself, in front of the rest of my class and teacher.  HA!  i did it, and i was terrified and shaking, but i got through it, and by the end i was relaxed and fine....but it didn't cure me of this nervousness.  what is it going to take i wonder?  actually i'm not sure if i want to know.

i really want to be done with this torture that i undergo in parent meetings, or in the beginning of a new class, or when i find myself in a party with people i don't know.  i am looking into taking an improv class, to go along with my desire to be around people in a way where the goal is to laugh.  i found one that started a month ago, so i might have to wait for the spring semester classes to start up.  maybe until then i'll finally get myself some music lessons going.  

come on!!! are you funny?

9/25/8

 

I want to be a part of a community that laughs A LOT.  We watched the bloopers from the last season of the office last night, and I now believe that working as an actor or writer on that show is the best job in the world.  Watching those guys crack up laughing over and over, trying to hold their laughs in as part of their job requirement is basically just too much.  I want that!  How can I get it?  I mean I don’t really want to go and get a job on that set( but hey, if you are the person who hires on that show, you might want to check me out!  i'm pretty hillarious.)  , but I want to create something in my life where I’m with people regularly, and it is a regular occurance for us to laugh uncontrollably, and yet also have to stuff it sometimes, and try to keep a straight face through the sometimes overwpowering desire to laugh out loud.  Like the time david and I went to hear gangaji speak, and as fate had it, a woman went up to sit in the guest chair by gangaji to speak with her, and she wanted to sing gangaji a song….you can probably guess what happened.  There was something about the way she sang I guess that cracked david and me up SO badly, yet it was completely inappropriate to laugh at her, but we absolutely could not keep the laughter in.  I mean, we didn’t wail, but we were not still and silent either.  We were shaking and snortling in our chairs with our heads down and our hands over our faces.  And as fate had it, it was contagious, and the people around us started giggling at what a hard time we were having trying not to laugh……it was too too much.  I don’t really crave more laughing fits quite like that one, because laughing at somebody else when they’re not being funny on purpose is not cool…..but laughing because you’re on a comedy set, and it’s your job to be funny, while keeping a straight face…..  IDEAL!!!  How the hell to I bring this into my life??  Maybe I’ll start writing my own little skits and invite friends to come over and act them out with us!!  I’m going to have to be super creative and tapped in to transfer my version of humor into a delivery that others will find funny too, but with david’s help I bet I could do it, and with other’s help too.  That was another thing that blew me away watching the extras on the office dvd, the number of writers they have for that show.  They were all at a table, like for a panel discussion, and it looked like there were about 17 of them!  The more the merrier, and the more people you run the humor through, you can see if you’ve got something that seems to crack everyone up, and not just a few weirdos like you.  

sunlight on stones...

the light is waning.  we are entering the dark time of year, and i am preparing as naturally as i can.  i got myself some new slippers.   we are savoring the last of the plums.....the stones are just rolling along.  i love how warm they become in the sun.  accidentally today, zhi, max and i all dressed in brown and orange.  ooooooo, weird!  weird means good.  that's what i want to teach our kids.  

little rocks

about this funny feeling i'm having.  as i decipher it, i am narrowing in on a strong need to get creative.  what shall i do i wonder????

-----make the kid's art table a little bit higher?  add some block feet to it?

-----sew???  what though is the question, it'd have to be something quick and satisfying, like maybe some new potholders.  or a couple pillow cases.  or add a ruffle to the bottom of some pants of olive's that really need a ruffled bottom.

-----write a poem onto a piece of pretty wood?

-----meditate on a new mantra...like  'i am loveable!'  that would be a good one for me today.

-----create a little more space in the house, meaning, clear out a load of toys once again????                   yes!!!!!

-----turn on some music super loud, no, medium loud, music that i can sing along to???  

-----turn off the phone ??  yes!!!

-----open all the windows??  yes!!

-----type a love letter to myself on my typewriter, on paper that i watercolored???

-----watch project runway while i take a snack break??

-----stand on my head for 5 minutes before i start whatever creative undertaking i choose???

-----do something to prepare myself for winter a little bit....something small, so i don't miss out on this end of summer day by thinking about winter too much, something like....fnd the match to my favorite pair of fingertipless mittens??  that's perfect.  or order a new pair of my favorite winter boots that are now 5 years worn and i'm talking every-day-in-the-winter worn.

-----burn something!  something symbolic of what i'd like to be letting go of right now in my life.  making a fire in the fireplace could be a good little prep for winter also, i could make the house crazy hot like a sauna and just sweat all day, cause it's going to be in the 80s!!  mmm, i like this one.

-----do a quick vacuum of the living room to clear out the dead ants that have fallen from the roof lately??  clean the toilets??  how can these be creative??  i could tell myself  what the daily groove email said today, to think of things that normally we label as annoying or bad, as if they were something that is totally revered in another country as amazing and lucky??  just tell myself that cleaning the toilets will bring me huge amounts of good luck!!  that could work, i do love to play with my imagination like this.

-----do  a walking meditation???

-----play 3 songs on my guitar, just for fun..??

-----drink green tea all day!

all of this with olive toddling around, the 4 and 6 ers at school.  5 hours to cater to my creative urge's delight.  

-----garden??  swing??  lay in  the hammock and read the sun??  cut some flowers to make a bouquet for the house??

love.  fear.  the 2 basic foundations of every behavior/thought/feeling/action.   pray for the love!!  fearless love to penetrate my core today.  and if fear arises, notice how it creates the exact same sensation in my body that excitement does.  

today is the anniversary of max's conception.   after 3 years of not being able to conceive, D and I went on a healing  ayahuasca journey, and 3 days later conceived our first love child.  max david cohen.  our wizard.  our teacher.  our light.  our love.  thank you for choosing us as your parents.  we are lucky beyond  description to have the honor of caring for and guiding you.  love love love.  creative, open, gratitude.  

I had this dream last night…..

 

there were two women….they both spoke Spanish as their first language and English as their second, but they met in an English speaking place, and only spoke English to each other upon meeting.  They both had children, and spoke Spanish to them at home, but English everywhere else for the most part.   Both women were sexy and earthy and dreamy, like Penelope cruz, kind-of.  It was so exciting to watch them for some reason, and the anticipation for what it would be like when they started speaking their native language together.  It was too much!  in the best way....

hi

i vacuumed, and got the house feeling so clean, and then i had an overwhelming urge to get dirty.  what is going on?  i just went with it, and went outside and worked in the garden with no gloves and flip flops, and got my manicure all messed, and had dirt filled in between my toes, and olive was pouring sand all over head in the sandbox....and i felt much better after that.  clean, make a mess....repeat.  i can't stay clean, but i also can't stay dirty.  what a funny cycle.  i had my teeth cleaned at the dentist's today, that always feels nice.  i will say that i never like the feeling of fuzzy teeth.  i also never like the dirty toilet thing, although it happens way more than i'm happy about.  what else....  a dirty car, totally fine.  dirty money, no way.  dirty words, fun!  dirty mind, of course.  dirty underwear, yuck.  dirty dishes, nope.  dirty fingernails, not for long.  dirty dirty dirty dirty...i am loving this word now.  

so...

my dilemma on cleaning yesterday had me thinking a lot, even though i said i would not think anymore on that....but now i forgot all those interesting thoughts i was having.  i was excited to have some follow through here today, but i guess since i didn't write the ideas down, they are most likely gone forever.  i did not vacuum.   the whole topic of cleaning seems so basic, and i feel a little silly thinking about it so much, like i'm the only one who hasn't gotten this, we clean, we make messes. repeat.  i get it, i just like to look at  things in depth sometimes,  i guess.   

so, what's something that's not totally boring to me to write about?  the office season 4!   project runway season 3.  filling up my cart at the sundance catalog website with all sale things and then not buying it.  although i might get this for real.  lying with the 4 year old last night because she couldn't go to sleep, and snuggling up to her in the most perfect way until she did finally let the sleep fairies take her into the night.  waking up to hear the 6 year old ask his dad first thing, 'where's mommy?'  watching the 1 year old toddle up and down the hallway with the proudest smile, falling on her butt every few yards.   talking to my most adored spiritual mentor on my new headset....we do the phone-therapy thing.  i keep hearing more and more people saying they do their therapy over the phone too.  this brings up something for me.....i am embarrassed that i still do therapy.  i've been in therapy for 13 years now, on and off.  but mostly on.  what the fuck? sometimes i like to look at my meetings with barbara as more of a class than therapy, i really am learning so much.  about people, feelings, patterns, maturity, immaturity.   but still, it's therapy, and i'm paying someone to guide me through my challenges.  why do i judge myself like this?  i don't judge anyone else for going to therapy..only myself.  and i hear the badu lyric in my head...to my girls in therapy, see imma tell you this for free... 

i'll take the free stuff as much as i can get it, but since it's not just flowin in, i pay.  and i adore the woman i pay.  so it's okay, i know it is.  stop judging yourself, h!!  

growing...cleaning....dirtying...repeat.

here we are, growing on the dirt.  literally, we all grow and live on the dirt.  we take things right out of the dirt into our bodies to keep them alive and well.  the words dirt and earth are interchangeable often.  and then there i am...pulling  the vacuum around my house, clearing the dirt from the floors and corners so that i have a clean place to live.   it's sort-of confusing, and sort-of not.  our bodies are self-cleaning, depending on this function to stay healthy.  yet our bodies also depend on the dirt.  i play in the dirt, eat from the dirt, live on the dirt....and then spend the rest of my time clearing the dirt away.  there's no way around this.  it's just the way.  the way of dirt.   it's more deserving of respect than anything, and cursed and loathed by housekeepers more than anything.   coming upon the appropriate balance with earth is not easy for us ocd types.  i always keep in mind our family doctor asking me how clean our house is, because part of her run-through checklist for well-visits, in addition to, 'does your child always sit in a carseat?', is , 'do you keep your house very clean?  because research has shown that children who grow up in a sterile environment do not develop strong immune systems and are more prone to allergies.'  i use this as my reasoning for the state of our house often, but running around my mind is the thought that it's just so dirty, and it feels like a weight on my shoulders knowing that it 'needs' to be cleaned.  i can't seem to integrate these opposing views...i can't find their harmony....  in my mind.  in reality, they are perfectly in harmony, humming along beautifully, actually.   and now i think of japan.  the country of clean, and the country of longevity.  you always take your shoes off before going inside in japan.  and before you go into a bathroom, you put on specific bathroom slippers, that are only worn in the bathroom and removed before you leave, so that bathroom germs are not carried to the rest of the house.  i am thoroughly confused.  the japanese live longer for some other reason, something diet related i'm sure.   the clean factor is just there to throw us who try and figure things out off.  i am done thinking about this.  and i will probably go home and vacuum now.  just because i want to.  not because i feel like i have to.  and i will also brush my teeth.  and then eat.

aaah. renewal.

  new haircut.  thank you david...you did a damn good job.

trimmed nails.

blood flowed.

smashed stagnant energy bump on wrist.

lovely sparkly silver manicure and shiny blue pedicure.

new blue jeans.  (3 levis, for the price of 1 from anthropologie....and they even look                better!)

3rd child is walking.

older children in school.

clearing out the system with the season's first nasty cold.

washed and folded and PUT AWAY 7 loads of laundry, thank you in-laws for making that  easier by playing with the little fucks, i mean ducks.

held my light all morning while david rocked the sorcerer of darkness wand.  and                       afterwards was acknowledged for my brilliance!

older kids are no longer sharing the full sized mattress.  i could cry, but i am happy to               see the brother spread out and take the whole thing up, and love to see the sister in her       cozy new sleeping nest.  

smiling and laughing with husband more and more and more and more.  why did we ever            stop?  ...........stress.

having fun with temporary tattoos, no longer feeling the need for permanence.

we have at least 4 days of 80ish degree weather coming up....and after that, i am                     scheming on how to keep myself occupied relaxed and inspired during the frigid                   seasons.  a class?  guitar?  horseriding?  cooking?  what will keep me out of seasonal               depression?

made my first pot of homemade chicken soup, and it was totally edible!

discovered how to rid the ants from our roof....toxin free in the end, so cool.

picked our first ear of corn from our homegrown corn plants, and olive devoured it raw.

.......i pray more is to come, with creativity, openness, gratitude, fire and swords.

i can't stop thinking about solar power, the yang power source.  and oil, the yin power source.  and how we've been so out of balance in our use of the 2.  the yin gives birth, but does not sustain the offspring life for long after it's born.  the yang then begins to take over providing energy for the offspring to grow.  the yang is the perfect giver.  the yin, the perfect creator.  overtaking from the yin makes her weak.  undertaking from the yang is just a mistake.