i keep getting into confrontations with people when i'm trying to park

and it is crazy making!! a good way to get my adrenaline going, too. just piss me off. this guy today, pulled into a spot i was waiting for. my husband randomly was right behind him, and got out of his car and asked him if he knew i had been waiting for it. you know how when there's a spot on the other side of the street opening up, and you kind-of have to do a u-turn to turn into it? that's what i was about to do, but he was already on that side of the road and just zipped right into it when the other guy backed out. the guy told david that pulling into that spot from the other side of the road is illegal. he said i was about to make an illegal driving move. ha! i guess he's right, but he was being a JERK!! everyone does that. right in front of police~people, and they never say anything. i didn't even know it was a law. what a fucker! and how funny that my knight in shining armor was right there to call the guy on his jerkiness. but if he hadn't been there, i would have gotten out of my car and probably made a fool of myself telling him what a low cut he made, and then not knowing how to respond when he tells me i was actually the wrong one. am i going to stop taking parking spots like that from now on? no. not until the rest of the world does, anyway.

has this book, babycakes already been all over blogland? we just got it, and it is pretty awesome. we are becoming more and more interested in alternative flours and baking ingredients these days, for health reasons and just for fun, and this book is really inspiring. i have only made the corn bread so far, but i am also interested in the gingerbread that has pumpkin in it.

this corn bread is gluten and dairy free, and uses coconut oil as its fat, and it is awesome. the kids gobbled it up completely. and asked when i would make it again. it also has homemade applesauce in it, which is cool. it asked for corn meal and corn flour, but i didn't have corn flour so i used garbanzo flour for the first time. that felt neat.

i also just finished my girls' little prairie tops, and before i post pictures, cuz i don't have any yet, i want to write a little something about my spiritual process in making them. it's always a spiritual experience, no matter what we're doing, you know. but when i'm sewing, and listening to my thoughts so clearly, and watching my style and pace and all that, it's just so in my face, my personal spiritual state. it's almost exactly like meditating, or tripping. the way in which it makes me feel so intimate with myself, and my every move, and my internal craziness when it is taking center stage. and then after enough time, i find myself settle in, and often find that peaceful deeper place, where i could care less if i have to put that elastic in for the 4th time cause it keeps twisting on me. i'd like my buddhist friend kristin to tell me how it's so not like meditating, now, please, kristin.....

so, i found myself first being afraid of failure, as i sat down to finish these tops, because i saw a dead spider on the floor right by the foot pedal. i thought that might be bad sign, cause spider is all about creativity, you know? whenever a live spider comes out and reveals itself while i'm sewing, i always feel excited, like they're bringing extra creativity for me. but a dead one really scared me. i decided to vacuum the whole room before i let myself sew anything, and told myself all spiders have to die sometime, and i'm just realizing, maybe it's beautiful that she chose to die right by the foot pedal. sweet girl. so i told that whole story before i even began. then when everything was clean and fresh feeling, i started working on pulling the elastic through the casing, and i had to redo it for so many reasons: i had it run almost the whole way, and decided the elastic was too thick, so i took it out and cut it to make it thinner; it popped off the safety pin, just as i was at the end; the end that was supposed to stay hanging out the other side got pulled in so far that i couldn't get it out with my fingers; it twisted itself inside so badly i had to start over at least three times; i sewed the casing shut, only to discover that it was twisted again. this was the hardest elastic running i've ever done. then, as i was hemming the first shirt, i was halfway through the hem, and realized that the stitch was totally messy looking cuz i still had my free-hand quilting foot on. so i had to rip that all out with my tiny scissors ( i wish scissors was spelled scizzors so bad!), my seam ripper was not showing itself. but because it can be like meditation, and i was lucky today, i kept getting calmer and calmer. but i did think to myself how horrible i'd be on project runway. this little project of finishing these shirts, should have taken 40 minutes tops. that's being generous. it took me 2 hours. but i am gonna say i had a two hour meditation, and that feels nice. much better than feeling like a fool for taking such a long time on something that my cat could do.

okay, now for fun, i'm gonna do camilla's 9 things of 2009 i loved, and 1 wish for 2010.

1. most memorable moment: because my memory sucks, i'm gonna say the last time we had sex!

2. biggest discovery: the spinal surgery we are learning about for my son's cerebral palsy. makes my heart beat really fast just thinking about it. so intense, so promising, so unknown. we are scheduled to go to st. louis for the procedure in march.

3. biggest mistake: getting overly frustrated with my son once for 'disobeying' and physically hurting him. not horribly, but still. you know what i mean.

4. biggest accomplishment: forgiving myself for all kinds of things (namely above).

5. best movie: avatar FO SHO!!

6. best song: im[possible to pick, so i'm randomly saying joanna newsome's , book of right on.

7. best meal-dessert: last nights happy dinner with the family. so fun. so yummy. so cheap. grilled cheese for the kids, olives and mushrooms and toast and tomato soup for me and D. vanilla ice cream. so simple.

8. best book: wizard of earth sea series!!!

9. what made you laugh: myself! i am such a dork.

+1 for 2010...biggest wish: i'm with you camilla. i want a horse so bad. but i also want a dog. but my biggest wish would be for a horse and a dog.

remembering christmas

first thing christmas morning. this photo says it all for me.

the extent of my handmade christmas. ha! catnip pouches for the kitties. (christy, you better like that quilt, cuz it took up all my crafting time!! ) the children did not suffer though. just me, and my desire to have that kind of gift under the tree.

and we rearrange the tree decorations daily, of course....i like keeping the tree up till the 31st. milking the lights. the outside lights will stay up till spring i think!!! is that tacky?? we'll see.

the day before christmas 2009

the spiders in our house are busy, every night. i could clean the webs every day, and find them again in the morning. i am growing to love them. what else can i do?


we are part addam's family, part cleary residence. mostly addam's, for sure.

merry christmas to anyone who reads this! may your day contain many blessings and much love and connectedness, both inner and outer! lovelovelovelove.

the solstice has passed....now we have 2 days to explain christmas in this house.

yes, that is a sad sad face. little baby love. she teaches me so much about moving through and expressing emotions. currently though, i think i'm missing the point of the lesson, cause her tantrums are driving me crazy. has anyone mastered this one yet?

joy child. lover of superheroes to the MAX!!!
little woman. or something. little fiery lion spirit!

these lovely little people don't have a clue what christmas is about, beyond presents.

i've been wondering about how i want to tell them a little of the story of jesus the christ. he is the most famous figure in earthly history, right? i want to be pragmatic. and i want to convey some of the magic, or a lot of the 'magic' that christ was about. but maybe i don't want to use the word magic, because then will they think of him as a wizard? would that be bad? what is the truth? that's really what i wish i knew. and i can tell them that. and then their father, who is jewish, and i, can tell them what we feel 'might' be true. my aunt would have no problem explaining jesus's story to them. she is such a happy loving christian. i would like to hear her do that actually. and then i would tell them, 'see, everyone has a little bit different idea about him.' but one thing that i know david and i both agree on, is that jesus was a pretty freaking special man. oh, i feel like i am asking for all kinds of scary comments by bringing up religion here, and the way we wonder about it. oh well. i hope that nobody takes offense by my process, here. and if so, i do not mean for this to be a matter for debate. just little me, pondering a bit about what feels most authentic for us, so that as we tell this story to the little people, they will feel that our words are resonating with our bodies, and our personal relationships with the story. they already know that many people don't celebrate christmas, but they really don't understand why. they know some celebrate other stories, like hanukkah, or the solstice. the way we told the hanukkah story was so sweet, and it really was just like a bedtime story in a way. there was no heavy weirdness about it, and i want to be mindful of not bringing any heavy weirdness into the christmas story. maybe i could take them to a church service? as a family who seems to align most easily and naturally with the buddhist stories and teachings, i am just wanting to stay open, and mindful, and honest about what i do and don't know about jesus christ. but because they are so little, i really really really want to keep it simple. okay. here is a try.

jesus was a man who we think was born about 2000 years ago, on december 25th. he turned out to be a really special guy, who loved to help people, almost like a superhero!! (david is not going to go for that.) and because he was so kind and helpful, a LOT of people loved him. they loved him so much that they decided to call him christ, which means king. then all these people who loved him, wanted to make a holiday for him. so they made his birthday the day we call christmas, or christ-mas. there are a lot of beautiful stories about how he helped people, that we can learn and read about if you guys are curious. but a lot of them are just stories, and we don't know what really happened because it was so so long ago. now we only know the stories.

i could see something like that working.....

little jewish boy max is going to start making up stories now about the superhero, jesus. makes me wish david's parents were in town now to tell their version of the jesus story. i love how jewish people talk about him. it is usually with a humble respect, i've noticed. just without the worship.

i love hearing people talk about their passions in general. anne lamott is a devout christian, and one of my favorite writers, and i love hearing her talk about her church, her god, and her faith. i wish i could hear her tell us her version of jesus's life.

**********i figured it out!!!! i think, i did anyways.... we just went to the library, and we got a bunch of different christmas, hanukkah, wintery holiday books. they will be my props.... you know what i just realized. i did not bring home a book about bethlehem, and the baby's birth. i looked at a bunch of them, and kept setting them back down. i am just not ready to bring that part of the story up, obviously. chicken!!!!

something else i forgot to note before, is that i also want to work in somehow, why everyone gives presents to everyone on this day. can you believe we haven't really had to talk about this yet? we just kind-of blindly fell into the rhythm and ways of the societal consumerist aspect of this time of year, mildly, but the kids definitely think there will be presents coming on christmas morning. they got a few little things for hanukkah and solstice too, but, their main gifts will be given on christmas. and part of me wants it that way. isn't it all so interesting? i mean, i think right now the kids just think we give winter presents and christmas and hanukkah just for fun. and that's really okay. that is partly true. i'm going to ask them why they think they get presents for these holidays. after we read some of the stories from the library. can you believe i am thinking this much about it?

and these few audio books i am excited about. mmm. mellow time. we already listened to the catwings, jane on her own, audio book on the way home. it was read by ursula le guin (my favorite author, i think), and it was so dreamy for me getting to hear her voice. the kids love those stories. i wish she wrote more children's books.

okay. i'm sure no one read all this, except maybe my sister who i know might get bored a time or two in arkansas. love u c.

a different kind of baby quilt.... a laboring quilt, or something like that....but i am actually now thinking of it as a support and love quilt..

i kiss this labor of love good bye....
first, i show you the back, with my favorite part of the whole quilt, the black bunny. it's like my little signature, i realized after sewing it on.
click on the photo and i think you'll be able to read the words....you think it will help her during labor? hmmmmmm. don't think that would have made much difference for me. but let's be hopeful!

for my friend christy. who is immersed in the aloha-vibe, with her baby in her watery womb right now.

.....this was the beginning part, after tracing the pattern (made by this cool lady). i've never done this before. each little step has been pretty exciting. all these crafting supplies i never knew existed, like saral, which david and i spent at least 15 minutes searching for in a baltimore joanne's store. we even asked the employees, and they were looking with us. and then at the last minute i said, fine, i'll just buy a chalk pencil, and when i went to pick one out, there was the saral. that was so exciting, even for david, who i was torturing by bringing into joanne's in the first place.

each piece of fabric was given to christy at her baby shower. on the invite, we asked everyone to bring a small piece of fabric to be a part of an empowering quilt for her. playing with fabrics that i had nothing to do with choosing has been really different, and freeing. not having ownership over every part and choice of this project feels really good. and i love how each friend of christy's chose something so unique and different, and how each piece seems essential to the quilt now that i have put it together.

david didn't understand why i was using this pattern, the stone portal, for her quilt. i thought it was so obvious why i chose it. is it not? shoot. christy will get it, i'm sure. and once i spelled it out for d, he got it, but still. what is wrong with him?

just kidding, babe. (i have to say, that most times i call him babe now, i think of that office episode where michael and jan call each other babe a million times, and i feel so dorky cause of them.)

she is due in the end of january. i hope this arrives to her before little baby comes out! it's all packed up and ready to go the post office today.....

1 day to solstice... 5 days to christ's birthday.

embracing the dark!! and the light for sure.

remembering my birthday amidst the many holidays....

i awoke and first thing i saw was some brilliant pink light coming in the windows.... ahhhh, so healing.

this is my new mug. it is so awesome. i've never held such a comfortable handle. (no dirty jokes here.)

i got a lot of willing help for a little cleaning that i really needed to happen. i actually laid on the couch and played with the camera while they vacuumed, and swept the air....

my mom made me these perfect leg warmers..... so sweet. i love wearing them.

david got me this lovely necklace that he said makes me complete. hmmmmmm.

i got some really sweet love on my birthday....including this girl wearing her leg warmers that i finished for her!! but the thing i am feeling best about right now, is the place i've come to with my baby girl, who loves the boobs like nothing else. for the past 4 months or so, i'd say we have been in a frustrating breast-feeding rhythm. it involved her asking for boobs so many more times a day than i wanted to. and this is the ultimate, well next to sex, and giving birth, joint venture, you know? it was getting to the point where i wasn't enjoying it at all anymore, and i was struggling so much trying to find a way to make it better for me. i finally really let myself listen to my body, and her highness was saying no. so i started telling olive 'no babe, i don't want to do boobs right now, but we can snuggle.' i kind-of told myself i would just wait until i felt like it, and then and only then would i consent ( i have done this with sex too, ahem).

otherwise, we were going to have our last time ever nursing being a stressful yucky experience for me, and i know she can feel it, so for her too. i also knew i wasn't ready to wean completely, but i trusted almost completely that if i set a boundary that felt in line with what my body was saying, after i felt it being honored, my desire to breastfeed would come back, in its natural way. and i kept thinking about animals and the different ways they nurse, to relieve me of the guilt i was also feeling. some take a lot of abuse, like cows. i was watching a cow nurse a couple of weeks ago, and the baby was so rough with its mother, banging its head into her in a pretty rough way, pulling back on her tits so hard. i kind-of gasped. and the mother totally took it. that is her nature, obviously. at least in that moment. but cats.....i know, will just get up and walk away when they're feeling done being sucked on. and their babies don't suffer for it. she comes back when she's ready. she doesn't neglect them. she just honors herself, also. that's what i kept coming back to. i am more a cat than a cow, i realized and accepted. olive was actually cooler with this than i expected. she would scream for about 20 seconds, and then say 'snuggle.' so sweet, huh? it breaks my heart a little bit. and then the desire did come back for me, like i knew it would if i just gave myself a little space. so, yay. we saved our breastfeeding relationship, from a sad ending. yay yay yay. that is the best present of all.

3 more days of hanukkah, 8 more days till xmas, and 4 more days to the solstice....what else is going on???

9 days till that one day

i just ordered some new art supplies for presents. yay. i am going to the orthopedic surgeon now to schedule a surgery on the painful ganglion cyst on the back of my left wrist. i've tried everything else, and now i'm going for the big guns. not a big deal. just means my dreams of becoming a guitar playing folk singer are gonna be harder to achieve. well, that's assuming the surgery doesn't help. that's my personality style (6 on the enneagram, what are you?) speaking. i go to worst case scenario. but my soul is rooting for a homerun.......we will just wait and see, won't we little one.

today 2 small miracles

going to school, this morning. for the first time in a week. they looked too cute. i made a pact with myself. since i've been sick this time, i really realized how much rushing we do. we often do it first thing in the morning. so my pact, this morning, was to not let the rushy energy take over. i totally did it! and i let the camera come out a time when i would normally be saying things like, 'come on', 'we're late', 'can you move more quickly please?', 'let's hustle'. things i wish i didn't say so often. so i didn't today. and it felt incredibly better (can you put those words together?). would someone please call me every weekday morning and remind me to do this?

we have been watching so much tv lately with this cold that took mama down the hardest, that my baby girl has been asking to watch tv a lot more than she usually would. today, since the big ones are both back to shool, and i am feeling a bit better, i made another pact with myself to keep us away from the tv. so we kept pretty busy, dodging her question like a 100 times. one of the dodges involved this scene. it was so idyllic (why is that not spelled, idealic?) and fun, i was kind-of floored. had i not been so bent on us avoiding movie watching this dreamy tea party would not have happened, and the kitchen would have been cleaned, and i would have stressed myself out i'm sure, trying to find order. instead, when i saw her get out her tea set, i first thought, 'good, i'll clean the kitchen while she plays for a minute.' then i thought, 'no! that's what the stressy heather would do. the relaxed heather with new insights from this cold, would sit and have a tea party with her girl, and knit a bit. and leave the dirty kitchen alone!' so who wants to call me to remind me of this too, every week day, late morning? little bear did eventually come out, but only for 20 minutes. and when he did come to entertain, i still did not clean. i sewed. this is a big deal for me.

the cats wanted to come to the tea party so bad, but the bossy olive girl would not let them come near it. so they watched intently, the whole time.