the gelato troll!!!!!  he lives behind that deceivingly cute door in the gelato shop, that might open its doors tomorrow.

coat tree!!!  look back at the last post to see how it started out.  i found the fallen branch when we were out triking one saturday at the little open park lot near our house.  i have been wanting to make my own coat tree for years.  i love it so much.  i need to drill some holes in the lower part of it and then add on some branches so the little people can reach to hang their hats and coats on their own...... i am all about what they can do on their own, especially in regards to putting away their things.

12/2/7

my kids…….i love them uncontrollably.  They push my buttons like NO ONE else. I need space from them, but I fear that the people they are with when I’m not there are contributing to their unruly behavior.  For example, at school, they learned potty talk, kid-trash-talk ……….they jump out of bed after the babysitter has read them their 3 night-time books, just to mess with her.  but then I think about the time I was at the trident with zhi, and I was engrossed in conversation with a fellow adult, and not really watching zhi, and she was helping herself to teaspoon after teaspoon of honey from the honeybear on our table.  Finally the lady I was talking to clued me in to what was going on.  I told zhi to stop taking honey, no more honey, I said.  I turn my back to continue our conversation, and there she goes again, helping herself to more.  What does it take to get a kid to listen?  Spanking worked for me as a kid, but it also made me closet my spirit  in a way that stunted me as an adult. That little firey sprite in me is an essential element in my soul’s balance…….uncloseting her has been extremely difficult, I can compare it to the pains of childbirth.  All for a part of me that was already born before….that’s just too much work to do over again.  I can’t and won’t do that to my precious babes, who are so beautifully free and wild.  But that still leaves me pondering how to teach them to respect their authorities.  Yesterday, I hated yesterday, but I was almost literally begging them to listen to me.  Lame.  I was in tears, I was broken. I told them I was not feeling strong, and I bared my naked self in all her ugly tiredness that she was trapped in yesterday, and they actually listened.  They went on to have a sweet harmonious day.  I can’t believe that that’s what it takes to get them to listen to me.  No way.  So when I am having a strong, hell-yeah, take-the-bull-by-the-horns kind of day, why are they more challenging to my word?  Questions I may never get the answer to.  That’s okay. Cause I know I will keep at it with them.  They are my loves, my unconditional loves, that I will work with forever and ever and ever.  I want to say with pleasure, and I do mean with pleasure, but I also know it’s often with frustration that results in me grinding my teeth at night (my dentist made me a night-guard), and it’s often with extremely uncomfortable feelings of hate for our dilemmas that I can hardly admit to feeling sometimes.  Hoooo, deep sigh.

 

Work.  It’s just hard work sometimes, and it usually pays off, I’ve seen from my almost 31 years of experience.  It’s worth it is what I’m trying to remind myself.  It’s so so so worth it.  

a coat tree to be......

11/26/07

 

happiness comes from contentment….the quote on my tea bag.  Hmmmm.  I do love feeling or being content.  How do we come to contentment…..how often did my dad feel contentment, without drugs or alcohol?  For me, I know I feel mighty content after doing a little work, when I am taking a well-earned break, everything just feels aligned and right.  I feel content when I take care of my body and feed it often.  I feel content after a good conversation.  I feel high, grounded, and content when I am inspired…….well, sometimes not so grounded, the source of inspiration for me for so long has been from above, and I must admit it can overwhelm me.  That really makes me wonder about inspiration from below.  What does that look like, what does that feel like?  I have been on a year long journey, pretty much since I became pregnant with olive, on getting myself grounded.  The idea of now finding, and hearing my soul’s song on the ground sometimes, as opposed to always coming from the heavens, is very attractive.  I have seen a definite correlation to when I am grounded, or my soul/spirit body is fully integrated into my physical body, and when I have good connections with others in a physical form….. cats, humans, birds, bugs…..it’s so much easier.  So, my point, I kind-of forgot, but it was something about how so far the ground has shown me it is a good thing, and it works well for me.

baby girl

hmmmmm. Olive. I smile just writing your name. I need to write about how you smile, and how I’ve woken up to your smiling face for the past 4 months or so….you were an early smiler. I actually feel like I saw you smile when you were an hour old, and then every day after that I kept seeing it, but told myself there’s no way a baby smiles that early. And then your dad said he thought he’d been seeing it too. It became very clear that you were definitely smiling when you were about two weeks old. I will never forget, this exchange you and I had in the studio, when you were 2 weeks old, and I put on the lonesome sisters, and started crying thinking about mawmaw dying, and your’ being born, and then just feeling a wave of realization come over me around all of our preciousness, vulnerability, and mortality. you were just hanging there in the sling. I looked down at you through tears. you looked right into my eyes, and gave me the clearest, brightest smile I’d ever seen I’m pretty sure. And you still do this all the time. You just did it, you awoke from your little trident nap, looked up at me, smiled, and fell back into sleep. You’ve also had this little habit of awaking from sleep just to make sure I’m there, and when you see me, you drift right back in. sometimes you do this when nursing. You pull off for a sec, look up at me and smile, or just look into my eyes, and then pop right back on like a little animal. I am in love with how comforted you are by my face. And I am in love with waking up everyday, looking into your eyes, and smiling together for minutes. then zhi wakes up and comes in, for more minutes of smiling…..followed by max. dad has usually gotten out of bed into the shower by this point, but he’s there for the first bit, and then catches the scene while getting dressed, as we all lay and emit love for each other….and then at some point either you or I start to feel a little clustered, and have to end the party. Those big kids have a way of getting excited that is a hard to hang with for long first thing in the morning. That’s how we start our days, olive. It is a full on treat, little hummingbird that you are. Little joy, baby love. I am in love with YOU. You are at the moment smiling at two women at the tables across from us, and they are smiling back, and waving at you. I have a feeling you’re not gonna be a shy one.

aunt red

the man with the eggy head, bald and shiny, just came over to me and said I sparked a thought in him this morning, about eggs, and how they gather more and more energy in them until the shell can’t hold it any longer, and then the shell breaks open…………he said he sees me in my shell so often. Well, buddy, I guess I am still gathering energy. I like this angle on energy stores, though. The idea of building the energy up to the point of busting out with abundance, as opposed to the idea of saving energy out of fear of depletion and feeling scared because I haven’t busted out yet, and that I might only have half my space filled up….half full, versus half empty again…

rolanda is letting me smile at people more and more.

and a new shirt, from the built by wendy pattern #3835.........i like it, it makes me feel cheery and like i might be the never heard of, sometimes naughty, but clever and oh-so-fun favorite aunt red in an elsa beskow book.

FULL . ALMOST FULL......

10/12/7

half. FULL! Half FULL!! HALF FULL FULL FULL FULL FULL FULL FULL HALF FULL HALF FULL. HALF FULL. HALF FULL. HALF FULL…..IT’S HALF FUCKING FULL!!!!! ALMOST FULL.................

keeping on top of the shit

staying inspired is so critical for me. i need to remember it is possible to feel spirit in all moments. during all tasks. easy does it folks. at times i am a preschool teacher with patience flowing out of my ears, others, a militant mother who won't give an inch, sometimes a maid who despises any bit of dirt, then a mellow monk who only sees the bigger picture, now a crafty writer who writes to wake herself up. wake up little rock. pay attention to your heart.

the synchronicity inspires me to no end............

'It's very good jam,' said the Queen.
'Well, I don't want any TO-DAY, at any rate.'
'You couldn't have it if you DID want it,' the Queen said. 'The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday--but never jam to-day.'
'It MUST come sometimes to "jam to-day,"' Alice objected.
'No, it can't,' said the Queen. 'It's jam every OTHER day: to-day isn't any OTHER day, you know.'
'I don't understand you,' said Alice. 'It's dreadfully confusing!'
'That's the effect of living backwards,' the Queen said kindly: 'it always makes one a little giddy at first--'
'Living backwards!' Alice repeated in great astonishment. 'I never heard of such a thing!'
'--but there's one great advantage in it, that one's memory works both ways.'
'I'm sure MINE only works one way,' Alice remarked. 'I can't remember things before they happen.'
'It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,' the Queen remarked.

from the looking glass, lewis carol.

what do you do when you feel like you're just gonna freak?

everything i wanna do, feels like it would just take me down further. alcohol, cannabis, scream at my kids and fully freak them too, shop, run away. breathe. that's all i can think of, that might help, and i know won't hurt.

i hate getting mad at my kids. this is the deal right now. i have been pushed to my edge a few times today, and i hate that edge. i judge it. it is ugly, scary. ugly and scary are bad. bad is not good. only good is good. i only like good. breathe. breathe. breathe. ice cream helped a little. breathing really works though. sometimes i pray, but i usually get distracted before i can tell if my prayer was answered. breathing is the answer for us mental types. stop everything, and breathe.

a baby moose dream

8/9/7

last night, i had some dreams that were difficult, and was awoken from the dream two times by very large wolf spiders crawling across my naked back, which I shot out of bed to trap under a cereal bowl the first time, and a lid to a wooden keep sake thing the second time……that first spider, it was crazy how big it was.

The dream, what I remember now, at 11 am, was me being somewhere, I had driven to, hours away, and my mom was there, and david and olive, and others who I don’t remember. And at some point, I became extremely angry at my mom, for being so contradicting of herself, about me. She was talking to someone first about how she believed that not hitting me as a child was the right thing to do. Then in the next conversation, she was talking about the same subject matter, but this time was saying that hitting me as a child was the best thing to do to teach me what I was doing was wrong. I heard this, and went ballistic on her……the feeling of rage was torrential, and I decided I needed to leave the place right away, I couldn’t even wait for david, which meant I would be driving myself and all three kids alone…
The next part, which I remember thanks to the next spider, was back in that place, it was like a hotel room, people were just hanging around, mike o’brien was there….and along came a frisky baby moose, it just ran in through the door, through all the people past the beds, and then turned around when it got to the wall, and was headed to go out the door, and I thought to snap a picture, and I got one just before it left, and then came 3 or 4 little fluffy bouncy dogs, and they just came to hang out I think. Blah blah blah, remembering dreams in pieces is frustrating. But I hope those pieces came to the front of my consciousness for a helpful reason, by some helpful spiders, that are now happy and set free out in the freshness of the outside.

When I woke up this morning, I read the medicine for spider and moose……..spider is telling me to create, create, create. Moose is telling me to share my joy with pride. To be proud of the work I have done, and the sense of completion I feel around the place I’ve arrived at now. Conception is complete. Now onto sharing myself with the world I materialized in.

no tears from a baby?

here is why.

this girl

I love this girl in my sling. I look at her and feel so much. Sometimes I feel pure bliss at being the recipient of her sweet smell and the fresh sweet gazes from her eyes. Sometimes I feel inadequate for the job of leading this beautiful light into this earthly world of unknowns and dangers. Sometimes I feel as if it is just me and her, and we are the only ones in the universe. Sometimes I feel excited for who she is and that she is here, and that we all get the honor and pleasure of knowing her. Sometimes I feel the deepest love I’ve ever known and tears come instantly. Sometimes I feel scared that I’m not good enough for her purity and grace, that I am just too damaged a reflection for her to look into everyday. Sometimes I feel like bursting into song when I see her open-mouth smile, her sideways smirk, and hear the first sounds of her true voice, and sometimes I do (today’s song consisted of only the words, ‘I am so fond of you’). Sometimes I feel like we live in an enchanted forest and everything is fine and she has come to show us the way back to truth and love. Sometimes I feel like licking and sucking on her. Sometimes I feel like I see my grandmother in her. Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing in the world to know, except the genuineness in her eyes.

a long moment

of time out here on the studio porch, catching internet connection from the neighbor's stream. olive's asleep in the sling, max and zhi were happy and easy on the trampoline for 30 minutes! only one cup of tea was spilled. the time is ending now. i surfed and feel like i wasted my time mostly. wish i'd been writing instead, but hey, maybe next time the allure of an internet connection won't steal me away from a potential moment of creativity. now everyone has joined me on the bench.....


i'm gonna see if a little flower cutting will lure them into the next bit of the morning. this summer cold is about to make me crazy...

pictures....

make me feel. if i need or want to cry a little, i can pretty much count on looking through some old, days or years, pictures to do the trick. am i just so sentimental? and that word, i have been wondering about it. is it like, you are feeling something, but it's really in the mental realm? let's see what it really means.

sen·ti·men·tal adj
1. affected acutely by emotional matters, often to the point of mawkishness
2. displaying too much uncontrolled or self-indulgent emotion
3. appealing to or expressing tender, often romantic, feelings
4. expressing or experiencing tender sadness or nostalgia
5. expressing deep, refined feeling (formal)

i would say i relate to # 4 the most. it's the strange feeling of nostalgia that triggers the tears. and somehow makes me feel as if i am looking at one of the most beautiful moments i have ever experienced. it's a bit like divine homesickness, i must admit, and agree with my friends kathryn and karlton on this. you see, i have a pretty strong case of this sickness, and am working working working to heal myself of it, so that i may live this life in love with the moment i am, not ones i have left behind.

and somehow this brings me to olive. the squirming beautiful love sleeping on my chest in the sling. scanning through all the pictures in my photobooth file, i was transported through our first 5 weeks together, and fully brought to tears. how do pictures have this power over me? is this what my grandmother's fascination with pictures was all about? mawmaw taught about the beauty and fun of looking through photo albums, but i now imagine when she was alone, she sat and cried while she looked. and then after her session, would get up, feeling refreshed and reconnected with her heart, and ready to live in the moment again. maybe it's okay to dip into your divine love of where we came from every now and then, if it has this heart-awakening effect on you. maybe it's good medicine. i am starting to wonder if a day without tears is kind of like a day without laughter....not such a good one. i am really becoming aware of the lightness and freshness in my energy after a few tears have spilled out. i've read somewhere about the specific chemicals in tears, and that you really are releasing pent up stressers and toxins that you're damn glad to get out of your beautiful body.

"Tears," said English poet Alfred Austin, "are the summer showers to the soul."

here are some more amazing quotes about tears. here is something else really cool all about the healing tears bring.

you know, my mawmaw lived a long time, 93 years. she was always known for her deep sentimental tendencies. i bet all those tears kept her free from disease.

and now i am reminded of how babies have a real need to cry, to release all the shock in their tiny bodies, the shock of arriving here on this sometimes foreign planet, the shock of their incarnation and birth, and the shock of having their soul attatched to a body all of a sudden. shocking, shocking stuff. but, i have one question, why don't babies shed tears. i'll find out later.

alright h, it's time to go out to dinner with your husband and infant. have fun, and find the moment you are in, now.

nourishing and healing

NETTLES. one of the most nourishing, restorative plants. this symbolizes to me so many ideas, and inspirations. the nettles sting you if you touch them so that their tiny hairs penetrate your skin. you can however hold them in a way that the hairs lay flat against your skin and then don't sting you. what does this mean to me? not sure right now, but it's cool. pay attention. and then , the sting is actually healing for arthritic pains and such. a little pain, a little gain?

but eating them, and making tea from them is how i get my nourishment from them. they are full of minerals and protein. they are also one of the best remedies fro seasonal allergies. how cool is that? the allergies that some of us get, which i see as us being a little too sensitive to life, in a way, can be soothed and calmed with nettles. nettles can teach us how to roll with life. we become stronger and less defensive with nettles. stronger, and less defensive!

i recently had a psychic type reading with a woman who really freaked me out. i've had a hard time getting the fact that..... she is not god , through my head. i went just to see what she had to say to me, i had no real questions or concerns. so i listened as she spewed, and i have been a wreck ever since. it's been 3 weeks or so. i am thinking about this experience and nettles, because i am being asked to stand up for myself and say, whoa there horsey, i know which way i am going, thank you very much. your input was asked for, i admit it, but since it is not particularly jiving with my heartfelt wisdom, i am going to say 'no thank you.' why this is hard for me has something to do with my personality type. i have a challenging time with authority figures. i have a tendency to either treat them like an all-knowing god, or shun and rebel against them as idiots who don't have a clue. in between, i know there is such a thing. this woman also told me that nettles would be very good me. OK, yes, this is true. i can feel that. but some of this other stuff, UH-UH. so there's my in between. finding my backbone has been a task. i love it, yes i do, the feeling of knowing who i am, and what is right for me. only i can know this. i don't care if you are the grandest psychic in all the universe, you just can't know me like i know myself. i am going to go home and plant some sunflower seeds to put this backbone growth into prayer and action.

in the mean time, here are some sweet pink flowers, to remind me of the sweetness and gentleness that can accompany a strong backbone.

and some sweet, peaceful, contemplating deer outside our home.


oh, and a firey tulip, just rained on, but still strong and burning bright, to remind me that my internal fire may have been dampened a bit by the challenge of this authority, but it is still blazing and beautiful, and it's roots have grown deeper because of this dampening. it was a good thing, in the end.

what am i doing?

purging. this is not a defineable place, but i often come here to purge. if anyone is ever going to want to share in my purging, i'm not sure, and i don't really care when it comes down to it. i had this vision of blogging being an activity where i showed only the beauty of my life and my creative endeavors, but maybe my challenges are a part of the beauty?

there are so many challenges, and i don't like to focus on them, but they are here and i must deal with them. there is no way around them, but through. straight through. an arrow with intention. today, D and i had couples therapy and it is not fun to go into an issue that we know raises our blood pressure. but what choice do we have? we can go through it, and let the pressure rise and fall, or we can ignore it until we completely explode and demolish. i tried to ignore things for long enough, that we came within seconds of complete demolition last summer, before an angel on the ethereal bomb squad saved our butts and snipped the right wire, leaving us alive and together. so now we do our work, and we turn it in on time. it's hard hard hard work. but the pay off is good good good stuff.



the other bit of purging i am in need of is of all the crappy crappy shitty fuckin thoughts i watch come over my screen, like commercials for stephen king stories, or previews for terms of endearment type movies. my mind creates these tortuous viewings for me to witness all day long, and sometimes all night in the dream world. a friend recently suggested i let them out, share them with people i can talk to. just don't keep them in, and maybe they won't have such a hold over me. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, who would want to hear about these morbid thoughts, i wonder. who? she said she would, just to help me get them out. what a good friend.

kind of like this new kitty we have. just an empathetic soul, that will meet your eyes with pure witnessing energy. nothing else. nothing but listening and watching.

this is my space to blast my thoughts out when i feel the need, to the ethereal internet angels who read and acknowledge and help me in my efforts to move on through.

i picture them kind of like this. sadly, and humorously, the song living on prayer , (bon jovi?) was just blasting here at the trident, and i 'm wondering if i'm being too cheesy myself. but whatever. i really picture them like this, taking in all my problems and challenges, hearing them, and assisting me in processing and purging them. they even drink tea while they do this, as i do.

thank you ethereal friends. i dig your support. i still need and use my friends here in this realm, but today it was you guys that helped.

protection

i have no interest in, and will not be hurt anymore in the ways i have allowed. i have the ability to protect myself from repeated pain. like the turtle, i have a mother-strong shell, which i will use more and more. this wound will not be poked at again. i know what hurts me, and i am walking away. gone. no more. this is about me, and knowing myself. taking care of myself, so that i may be a strong wise woman, a strong friend and wife, a nurturing and confident mother, a loyal sister, a joyful earthwalker. i will walk away from my addictions to pain, and i will still feel alive. i will not, hear me, will not be sucked in by the lull of the calling to come and receive my regular dose of pain. i have shields. they will be all i show the giver of that pain. i have powerful powerful shields.
i will listen to the music that heals.

mama (pronounced MAWMAW)

i am feeling you so much today. is it because the sun is shining again after 4 days of a snowy icy spring freeze, and i know you enjoyed the flowers and beauty and miracle of spring like i do? are you actually closer today? i haven't felt you this close since before you died. it's felt like you've been VERY far away since then, until today. i've heard your words coming through a few times, but i haven't actually felt you like i am today. mmmmmm, it feels so good to be with you. our peace and depth, there's nothing else in the world like it. i channel it through to my kids, my husband, my best friends, random people in the world that are open to it, and now i am feeling like thanking you for teaching me this way, of hanging out in my skin. in the still still place of heatherness, just like you hung out in the still still place of mawmawness every time i ever saw you. i could count on you to be just exactly who you are....i never had to wonder if you'd show up, or if you'd be distracted. you always showed up, rain or shine, tears or laughter, naughty gossiping or christian southern politeness. you were so yourself. THANK YOU mama, for being my mama. for being the most amazing grandmother a girl could EVER
EVER
EVER
EVER
want. tears are coming from the feeling of luck that i struck gold in landing into your family. i love you so much. i feel you today, and it is awesome. so, since you loved fabric like i do, do you want to see some things i made recently?........















the top picture is just some trim i added to a dress from target, and i love it. and the pillow behind me with the elephants, i made it too. and then i made this apron for a friend who ordered two for the coffe shop she works at. it looks pretty cute i think. becca modeled it for me since my belly is way to big to wear this kind of apron right now. i'm pleased with it. i have the other one started. it's gonna be a little simpler, for the girl who's having a mellow kind of day, and needs a more monotone apron. but still super cute. you'll see.

sadness in letting friends go, happiness in saying hello to the ones that are here

for some reason, sometimes, relationships kind-of end. analyzing why seems like it would just be a mental exercise, which i need not to partake in. but acknowledging the feelings that come around the loss, so that they can be set free is what i will do. it's a sadness for the lost potential. a sadness for the dream that had to die. a longing for the hearts we were once close to, that are no longer available. a lot of 'i don't understand what went so wrong.' that one's getting close to the mental exercise that i am being diligent to stay away from. my mental facilities are very well exercised, and need a rest. it's a feeling of wanting to share with the friends we once had, every little thing that happens, and the sweet desire to know all the little happenings in their lives. it's really like a death occurred. because when that urge comes up to share, or ask, i can only feel it pulse through my veins until it dies. i cannot reach out, because i will not be met. i will only feel the loss pulsing, and then get stuck for days in my heart, and usually in my head too. the thoughts become unbearable. the sadness covers me. oh well, i say finally. and find some fresh air, and scootch along. slowly but surely, i am healing from this grief............... and i begin to revel in the relationships that are real and alive, pulsing through my body, being met by another strong and bright-eyed friend, feeding my heart and soul, like a flower to a hummingbird...... mmmmmmmmm. i learn to shift my focus, and i relax.

nature just does her thing

i am noticing a lot of nature photographs popping up here on this b-log. nature, what is nature, really? some things are effortless, just happen naturally, and that seems to be where i lean in looking to define nature. as in, the true nature of our spirits, as opposed to our minds. the minds seem to require so much effort. when i can free myself from its grip, i am feeling much more easy and natural. art is natural. dance, play, inspired conversation, love, contemplation. like this falcon in the picture. she is doing what comes naturally. observing the world from her nest above the hiking trail i frequent. i just want to do what comes naturally in each moment. and drop the judgment around it all. i highly doubt this falcon is judging herself for sitting there doing her thing. my thing, your thing, his thing, her thing, the cat's thing, the bird's thing.....they're all different, and perfectly so.

learning to take the country road

taking the old, slow, dirt back roads. this is something i've been striving to do for so long now. like, enjoy a bath, just for the simple exhilarating peace and pleasure of a hot bath. i mean, actually being able to soak and be soothed, instead of it being just another place to let my mind race. i was a little bit wound up for a few years there. ummmmm, all i can say is i am so fucking grateful to be finding myself having these simple, natural, experiences again. thank you everyone who has been here for me these past few years, through the births and deaths, the life challenges that have thrown me off the planet. thank you.

thank you. thank you. thank you. THANK YOU.

exposing my roots

something strikes me as so vulnerable and exposed about these roots. and yet, they are hardened and strong enough to handle hundreds of hikers pounding feet every day. it is scary for me to expose myself. even when i know nothing can hurt me, i am hesitant to reveal. it just doesn't come easily, or quickly. but i look at these roots and realize they are exposed, yes, but they aren't the least bit concerned about their exposure. they have adapted. it took time for them to gain the strength and hard coating that allows them to stay exposed. roots. putting my roots down, and they don't always have to be out of sight. concealment isn't necessary. so what roots do i have exposed, that are perfectly safe that way, yet have been challenging for me to allow to be seen? oh lordy, that could take hours.
playing . just playing. and starting to feel better. woohoo!

not sure about this....

my kids love this pooh bear book. and i'm ok with most of it, but this one story in it, about not talking to strangers has me scratching my head. and for some reason, this is zhi's favorite right now. i always avoided this one before, but a babysitter recently read it to them, and now it's a hit. my hang up is that i don't want them out in the world feeling as if everyone they don't know, is a "STRANGER". and then feeling like they can't say hi or go up to someone when we're sitting at a cafe, or playing at a park. i think i'm being paranoid though. so far, they have not translated this concept out into our outings. this concept seems like it's for older kids. alright, i'm not gonna worry about it anymore. and just hope their infatuation with the story fades soon.

i have had the flu. that's what this awful sickness has been, i'm starting to realize, now that it's gotten a hold of me. only the flu lays me up in bed for days. it's kind of nice that d's parents have been here while i've been so sick..lots of extra help with the kids. but it also means all the solo creative time i was looking forward to, turned into solo sick time. not so fun. but, what can i do?

make this shirt. i whipped it up in 20 minutes, and am wearing it now. feels fresh, that's what i was going for. but it didn't take the flu away. just a little high for a while at having a new shirt.



i am hoping that this evening, our last with d's parents is mellow and fun. i hope i am alert and awake enough to enjoy the whole family being together. kind of like how their visit started out, before i had to retire to the bed.........

healing and bells

hello. this is my girl, sad and sick. this is sort-of how we've all been feeling for this past week. both kids are over the hump (crossed fingers), and now david and i are in the thick of it. i would have been smart to expect i'd get it, after three sleepless nights with a feverish zhi, and randomly max had severe foot cramps, and then ear pain that was keeping him and david awake. we played a lot of musical beds this week. it was heavenly the first night after zhi broke the fever and slept with out thrashing and freaking. but i still couldn't sleep myself. finally last night i fell into slumber, even amidst my very stuffed nose. so now i'm sick, but sleeping. i don't know which i prefer. i think this way. lack of sleep is craziness. this past week was worse for sleep than when either child was a newborn. this was a bitch cold. since i can't cuss in front of the kids, and i really like to use those forbidden words, i have decided i can use them here. oooooh, i'm scared i'm gonna get in trouble somehow. can i really be allowed to say fuck whenever i want here? heavenly. it's definitely not always with negativity that i want to say fuck!

now, bells. i don't know what's drawing me to bells right now, but i'm gonna follow my nose. these in the picture below are on our front patio.

well, after reading this site i am staring to understand why i'm into bells right now. scroll down to the bottom of that page link, and look at the bell the monk is about to ring with the huge wooden log. mmmmmmmm, i would really love to ring that bell. i think we're gonna get a lot of bells together, meaning a lot of homemade gongable things, and have a good ol' time on march 21st! how timely this little fascination is! anybody wanna join us? i think we'll be all healed up by then. fresh and ready to ring and gong for peace. i'll be holding this image in my heart.

little rock love

(the present i put together, with zhi's help, for my sister's 24th birthday. it's on the way to portland, oregon. i love you, claire. you're the awesomest gal i know!)

i am from little rock, arkansas. it used to be that when i was in little rock, either physically, or just by feeling, i would feel like the most whole, safe, loved version of myself. it's a little different now that my dad and grandma are dead. i really used to think that it was all about little rock, that special feeling i got when i was there. but i have found when i've gone back, now that they're both gone, this feeling is not so easy to find. i can muster it up, but it comes from pretty deep within, actually. it is mostly the feeling of being loved, A LOT. i LOVE this feeling. when i am not feeling it, i am not all of me. this knowing of who i am, was a gift these 2 people gave me, mostly my grandmother. my dad occasionally had words that came very close to giving me the undoubting feeling of being loved. his actions, however, lacked a little. my mawmaw, though, this lady LOVED me, and i could feel it, i knew it. i've never known anything like it. until i met my husband. what a fucking gift! love. it really is all you need. with all the spiritual, healing work i've done, the one true thing i've learned is that when i am resourced and whole, acknowledging and accepting (meaning absolutely no judgment on myself whatsoever) all parts of myself, light and shadow, i am capable of confidence and radiance. i am capable of showing up, dropping the shyness, the fear, and allowing my true self to be shared..... seen. and now i'm seeing that a really quick short-cut to that whole, resourced, place is through the feeling, the knowing, that i am really fucking lovable. i mean, i can know this. it doesn't mean every one in my life has to feel this way about me, but therefore no one can take this knowing away either. it is something i know about myself. if someone can't see it, or feel it, that's kind-of none of my business. there are so many reasons why we shut down to others, why we withhold our own love from them, it's just too much to even ponder why someone may not share their love. my grandmother *shared* her love. this is a gift i know not all children get, and i feel VERY lucky to have received this gift.to learn this feeling through the eyes of someone else is so easy in a way, compared to the other way of learning it, which is in a sense, through faith in yourself. sometimes i've forgotten (sometimes?) that i'm loved, and the thorny path back to it, through the brambles of my internal critic, has been the hardest trek EVER. just a quick look into mawmaw's eyes, and i'm all set. mmmmmmmmmmm. i want a tattoo to remind me of this. now i understand why people get those tattoos with someone's name in a heart, and the ribbon all around it. when i am saturated with this feeling of being really fucking lovable, i don't care what anyone else thinks. oh my god, do you have any idea how nice this is? how free it feels?
here's to remembering that we are lovable. WE ARE LOVABLE. LOVE-ABLE.