burn, rearrange, breathe deeper, compost....transforming teeth

writing writing missing writing.  missing deep developed thoughts.  but that's okay.  they'll return when the space returns.  in a way, it's nice to have such an empty head.  (no jokes on that one david.)  but i do miss that stream you find when the inspiration has you off and running.   

when the marriage is dragging you down, the kids won't stop crying at you about everything that isn't chocolate, you're depression is refusing to let up, what do you do?  say fuck 15 times (so that the children can't hear you, or bang it out on the typewriter, which i have done and it really did help), rub your eyes really hard for a really long time, look around your house for something to get rid of, burn it if you can in the fireplace, and then rearrange some furniture.  yep. that usually helps. then braid your hair, change your clothes, maybe even burn what you just had on if you can part with it, put on a little mascara, turn on some music as loud as sounds good.  after you're done with the music, eat something super healthy and alkalinizing, like seaweed or miso.  then look for something, something small is probably best, to clean up or organize.  mirrors make a big difference for me.  and toilets.  (i am thinking i might be really weird because of how much better i feel when the toilet is clean.)  a blob of dried ketsup on the kitchen cabinet that has been there for as long as you can remember.  and piles.  if you can make one surface clear of stuff that has been sitting on it for months, that is gonna be very helpful. after you cleared something, anything,  if you are learning an instrument, you now have to go to it and practice it for at least 15 minutes.  if you are not learning an instrument, maybe get some paper and write for 15 minutes.  now this is all to be done while you're kids are somehow being peaceful.  i do not feel guilty anymore for putting on a mellow sweet little video for them to watch at times like these.  another thing that i feel is important to do, to make sure this intense experience is not wasted, but composted properly, is to think of one thing in your marriage or parenting, or your relationship with yourself, that you want to work on most.  one (little is great) thing that if it started improving, you'd feel so much better.  just whatever is really bugging you.  so for me, this time, it's how i relate to my husband when he is stressed out.  now that's kind-of a big one, but i'm going to come at it with baby steps.  we've already made an appointment to see a therapist around this newest version of the marital challenge.  it helps the breath go in a little deeper i've found when i take at least one baby step toward improving some mucky situation that i've either let brew for way too long, or that has just sprung up out of nowhere like a mushroom.  

to me it's like homework or exercising.  that little baby step.  for some odd odd reason i resist taking it, whine about it, fret about it, sneer at the thought of it.  and then when i finally feel so crappy that i know i HAVE to do this thing, i feel better after doing it, 99% of the time.  ( i say 99% not because i have a memory of once or twice feeling like the little baby step led me to more suffering and pain, but because i just want to be on the safe side, and not have anyone come and gripe at me because i promised this works every time.  but it does.....  hehe.)  as a procrastinator to the bone, this is a core challenge for me.  i will be working on this in one way or another for a long time.

and then there's the experience of losing teeth, baby teeth.  milk teeth.  my baby.  the tooth fairy does not procrastinate, especially, thank goodness, because she has a fairy husband who asks her gently as she is falling asleep if she did her job for the newest fallen tooth.  whew. that would have sucked so so badly.  way more than when i didn't read the school newsletter explaining how valentines cards were to be made at home and brought to school for a fun exchange.  whoops.  that sucked.  but to forget to be tooth fairy.  oh.  i hope i never have to recover from that.  

 

 

when we are sick

i make tea....and i just discovered this more convenient way of brewing multiple tea bags.  i feel like i sound a little stupid, but i had been brewing them in single mugs and then pouring it into their water bottles (which for some reason they will drink much more from),  so this was an exciting improvement for me.   polar bear tea is very drinkable.  even when you're not sick.

earrings! and the woolen pants on horses. spring.

here are the sweeties in their mama-made woolen pants.  riding their beloved friends.  this is a favorite for me.  the combination of homemade clothes, from thrifted fabrics, while riding horses.  mmmmmm.



and here are my girls with their jewelry....why do earrings make them look so much more like miniature women?  it's a little scary, but very cute.   

i feel spring rushing into me.  it's actually coming gently and slowly, why did i say rushing?  but i feel it asking me to clear the way.  clear the garden, clear the closets, clear the shelves.  add in the compost, the inspiration, the space, the seeds.  pray for water.  prepare for a hot dry summer.  mulch and think about a shade net.  buy a few more of the pretend wasp nests to scare the wasps away from where we hang out.  the wasps seem to be encroaching on us more and more each year.  last year i used the bright yellow traps, and they creeped us all out.  i remember max staring at them a lot, deep in thought about the cruelness of it, and many talks about why we had them.  the main reason being that they were stinging me while i was in the garden.   4 times they did last year.  it's the first week of spring and they're already back.  i am going to work on finding a better balance/relationship between us and the wasps this year.  and if it doesn't work, i will use those yellow traps again....but man i hope i don't have to.  damn.  time to go cause the meter is out.  i was just feeling my urge to write and write and write sneak in.  i hope it comes back soon, at a more opportune time.

containers

i am tripping out over containers.   i am loving them.  life currently feels over-the-top chaotic, and yesterday, i had a religious experience with some containers in my house.  i'll leave it at that.  but now i can't stop noticing all the different containers in this world.  i have a feeling the need to bust out  of a container will be explored soon, and all the ways that happens, but for now, i am so soothed by the action and purpose the containers serve.  

what i want

1. to live life freely.....to embrace, without holding on so tightly, the whole deal.  that means the chaos too.  to live.  you know, like we did when we were kids.  to LIVE!
   
2. a husband who does the same thing.
3. for spontaneous comedy improvisation to occur almost everytime we cross paths.
4. to never forget the miracle of this little horse, secret, and her old but strong strong healthy mama, raven, and her little dad, longshot,  who no one thought could reach up high enough to a tall mare and get his seed planted.  ha!  
5. an old- hooked up - and -working -vintage phone in every room of our house.
6. to have fun tonight with our friends.  without waking up with a hangover.
7. to sleep peacefully someday, and have all my children and husband do the same.
8. to not feel guilty for cheating in my scrabble game last night.  those word finder sites are too tempting.  geez.  
9. to go home and get it all cute and tidy.  at least sweep and make the bed....
10. for our new shop to become the spot for a quick lunch, and then always the spot for a sweet gelato treat.  oh and the spot for a damn good cup of coffee.  i have been drinking a little more coffee than usual because  it is so good.
11. to not whine and feel depressed if i don't get what i want.

thrifting and men

i have been on a thrifting binge lately.  it has been very very very fun.  these phases come upon me i've noticed over the years, and they come and then they go, so i am not going to worry too much about myself, which i keep trying to do.  if only there was no limit to the bank account...that would help.  all those dishes i found a few weekends ago with my sister and all the girl cousins in tow.  half price day, and that little store was swarming at 10 am when they opened the doors.  we had so much fun, and i am happy to finally have someone in town who i can definitely say is my perfect thrifting partner...yay!  she can hang in there for as long as me, and then notice when our standards start dipping and say, woah, what are we doing thinking that is special enough to bring home?  

david looks good to me in this picture.  and that's all that matters, what i think, right?  right!  ha.  i wish.  wouldn't that be easy.  but i take it when i can get it, and i whine to myself when i can't.....i really need to stop all the whining.  it is not fun.  this goes along with my new goal of recognizing and acknowledging when i actually like how something is going.  i want that to be my focus, not what's bugging and annoying me.  i can train myself....i really know i can.  it's the secret, right?

old phone

otis went and played with the skunk again.....which is not what i predicted would happen.  cats are funny.  he totally went back for more.  mmmmm, the skunk medicine in our house is strong right now, if you need any, call me.  (this photo is from the first time he was sprayed, at 2:30 am.  the smell was so strong there was no choice about whether or not to wash him, in tomato sauce, so david olive and i got up to do what we had to do.)  

i just spent 45 minutes on ebay looking at old phones.  i am obsessed.  i wonder whatever happened to my grandmas' old phones...  i wish i wish i had had the foresight to ask them to give them to me when they got new ones.  here is one.  here is another, but i bet that one doesn't work.  here is another.... i feel like i need one by my sewing desk.

i thought i saw jemaine this morning outside of saxy's.  it was his twin, i swear.  he had that slight feminine awkwardness all mixed up in his big masculine body coming through, he had the shifty, darty eyes that jemaine has when he's nervous, he had the same style of talking, with a hint of a lisp, and i wanted to stare, but he was onto me, so i had to keep walking.

l a la l a

so far today, i have given many gifts....i got to be fairy of the teeth for the first time!   i gave my husband the gift of absolutely no judgement when he freaked on max, taking him from the breakfast table and putting him outside, locking the door.  maybe that was actually a gift to myself because it felt so much better to sit in no judgement than it does to sit in judgement.  i let two people cut in front of me in line at the trident, and even though it wasn't on purpose, i let it go very quickly when i had the thought to look at it as a gift i could give.  and it wasn't feeding my ego i swear, it was pure.  i tipped $1 to the barista, which i almost always do, but still, as long as i'm listing all the gifts of the day so far.....and now i can't think of anymore, but if i do i'm gonna add them on.

i told a friend yesterday that i'm going to start letting people know more frequently when i like something they are doing, instead of only, or mostly only, letting them know when i don't like something they are doing.  that sounds fun.  to be on the lookout for things i like.  this could totally change my whole outlook.  i mean, my radar for what i don't like is pretty finely honed.  and she made the point that we're all like that, it's just the way we are.  and i said, well i'm gonna change that about myself.  she said, me too.  i'm serious, though!  

laundry, this is obvious by how i got the camera out and pointed it you clicking over and over, but i like way you look all folded in the light.