a little new project, a little new kitten, and a little new header

this little pie, as zhi started calling her, is a crazy thing. as i was trying to work on these pants last night, she insisted on jumping all over the paper, chewing on the pins, and pouncing at random intervals. i kept thinking how this is just what it has been like for the past seven + years. since max was born, there has been a little crazy one walking right into the middle of anything i set out to do. and i kept thinking how natural it is for this kitten to be doing this, and then remembering how natural it is for baby humans and children to do the exact same thing. and how someday i really will miss this. i really really really will miss being interrupted every 90 seconds. i will miss projects taking 20 times longer to finish than they would if i was alone. i will miss it like crazy. i thought about this last night as i spent way too long cutting the pants out, picking the kitten up and plopping her to the side of the pattern pieces at least a hundred times. i felt deeply how i don't want to look back on this time of having young sweet wild things as a time of mostly stress and resistance. i mean, the stress is pretty much a given as far as i can tell sometimes, but the joy can be too, right? it was so nice to have this reminder, cause it's all going by so so fast. not that i want to invite my kids to jump in the middle of my patterns that are so neatly laid and pinned on the floor, but if that's what they need to do for some reason sometimes, i kind-of do want to invite it. you know? it's way easier said than done, but i am serious here! i want to chill out. i want to revel in the chaos. (and for those of you who know us and our history with our cats being lost to the wild animals of the forest, this one is going to be an indoor cat. and we are actually going to leash train her. at least that's the plan.)
i am making the kids some new thick and warm pants....from some old thick and warm pants. i bought a few pair of pretty large sized cords at a thrift store on half price day, and after cutting the waistband and zipper out, opening the legs up at the inseam, they are the perfect size for a child's pants pattern. neat.

3 patterns i had on hand for the three sizes of pants i need.
a little love reading beside me.
and then playing a little slinky.
and a cute corner i recently set up with my new 10 dollar chair from a thrift shop.

okay. now this header i made. i love it. and i am wondering if it looks like i am expressing myself as a sexy desperate housewife, dreaming of the big city. that's my fear as i analyze it. but the reality of why i made it, as far as i know it, is that i love the sparkly shirt and the striped apron. i love the hand on the hip. i love the kitchen after it's been cleaned and i stand there like that for a sec and feel pleased. and the other photo is from when we went to see kooza, the cirque du soleil show, in denver. you can barely see the tents, but they are there, to the left of mile high stadium. the clouds above the tents are so dreamy and the light from behind them so magical looking. and somehow i like seeing all the cars in the foreground too. and these two photos together are a healthy juxtaposition for me of a deep inner home life, with a colossal, expansive outer world. that's where i'm coming from here. the balance of the two is really of GREAT interest to me right now, as i begin to look at the future, and my plans to step forward into the outer world a bit more, to begin to make some money again. good luck to me! and maybe i need to be on a leash, too?? my kids will take care of that, right?

well..

summer decided to snow on her last day here. it melted before it hit the ground, but still. i built a fire on the last day of summer. and it's okay. there is still a hummingbird here. i had images this morning of keeping her in the house with us all winter, in case she missed the leaving time with all her buds. it really seems like she might have. i could take care of her in the house. in a cage cause otherwise the cats would get her. ugh. i hope she knows what she's doing. i'm sure she does, either way. if she's old and not up for the flight back to mexico, or if she's young and free-willed and just wasn't ready to go when the others were. i love her so much.

this is the bird-poop yin yang i found the other day on the car's windshield.

it's almost prefect!!

how fitting that i saw it in the last days of the summer...

and this is the love i woke up to on a day last week. the two big ones, who share a room, were snuggled in the hammock together, exuding the sweetest love vibe ever, with many giggles involved. that is maybe the best way i've ever woken up.... to those sounds of joy.

and the washing machine broke. this is one week's worth of laundry, including some cloth diapers in the purple bag. this had to be almost a hundred pounds of clothing. it costs a dollar a pound to have the people at the laundromat wash it for you. i did it with max and olive and it cost me exactly twenty dollars. princess zhi was the lucky dog who was playing at a friend's house while we slaved away cleaning her dresses and robes. max was so helpful, and really into it. maybe a little too much for my comfort. but i hung in there and didn't get too uptight about our clean clothes spilling out from the dryer onto the floor. i resisted the seemingly involuntary reflex i have which makes me turn into a scary witch when i sense the potential for an unnecessary mess to be made which will result in more cleaning work for me. yes, i am insane and uptight, and want things neat and tidy and clean, all the time. they never are, naturally, but i sure do waste a lot of energy wanting them that way. ahhhhh. it really feels good to chill out about it. and it really feels good to be immersed in clean tidiness, too. there is the yin yang!

today, while the big ones are at school, olive and i are going back to the laundromat, with about 50 pounds this time. i didn't notice the triple loaders until i had already started 5 double loads last time, so this time i am going to be a little more efficient. oh yeah.

and finally, tonight, we are going to a party to celebrate a friend who has found herself to have a baby growing inside. and she couldn't be happier about that finding. we get to go meet the man who gave her the seed (that's how we say it with the kids so far. something about a seed from the dad, goes into the mom's belly and finds her egg. when they meet, they turn into a baby. this weekend zhi was talking about how babies grow for some reason or another, oh, because it was max's conception anniversary, which yes, i shared with them at the breakfast table. and zhi insisted on me writing him a happy conception card, which i did. but as she was talking about his conception, she mentioned that the seed goes into the mom's belly button to find the egg. david and i very subtly looked at each other and smiled, but didn't say anything to correct her. it just didn't feel important right now. i know they all know that babies come out of the mom's yoni, because they were there to see their sister come into the breathing world, but it hasn't crossed their minds yet to ask where the seeds actually come from, and how they get into the body, at least not beyond the belly button idea. i love this sweetness. love love love it.) they are here visiting from kaua'i. and we're going to play us some taboo. i love that game. and i highly recommend the electronic version. it has tons more words to play. the acoustic version, with the cards instead of the little screen thing, was exhausted by us long ago. we got to the point where we knew all the words and couldn't play it anymore. i had to buy the electric one on ebay cause it was discontinued for some reason.

(here we are planning her baby shower last week)

summer goodbye dress

good bye, my love, mrs. summer. we have less than one more week together, and i am all about the 80 degrees you're going out in style with.

but hey, i'm heading for fall in style too......a few months later, and .....

it's made! simplicity 2702. i kind-of can't believe that i actually like it, and am wearing it out of the house. but i am. and it feels pretty cool. and i have gotten some sweet feedback while wearing it today, which is nice, of course. and, it has a little story to it....

when i sat down to do this project, starting probably 6 or 8 weeks ago, i made a deal with myself, that at no time during the process would i rush myself. i would just take one small step at a time. i set a firm boundary that hurry and stress were not going to be a part of any step. not like i could control the stress part, actually. but i could definitely control how hurried i let myself feel. so, this dress is infused with patience. this was an awesome exercise. i highly recommend it on whatever your next project may be, no matter what medium you use. this world is crazy, and we are always hurrying. it is such a relief to have something to do, where hurrying IS NOT ALLOWED.

i did have a frustrating time sewing the right angles where the neck band meets the dress below the boobs. i ripped the seam and tried a few times to get it perfect, but it just wasn't happening. this fabric is thick, and that is a tricky thing to do with thick linen. oh well. the Dman had the brilliant idea of sewing a piece of ribbon or trim over that seam that was bugging me. so i went to elfriede's, and found what i wanted. i like it better with the trim than if it weren't on, so that 'bad' sewing job was a blessing in disguise. love it when that happens. don't judge mistakes, people. they are often blessings. (like the time my 4 and half year-old had an accident and pooped in her pants at the playground this summer, just as we were getting there. there were no bathrooms within walking distance. and i didn't have anything in the car to clean her properly. so we had to pack it up, all 3 kids back in the car, and drive to a bathroom. and when we got to the bakery where the bathroom was, we saw a very good friend who i hadn't seen in so long, and we ended up just hanging out and having tea and cookies. so much better than the playground, actually.)

wild people looking at animals not wild

the elephants are always my favorite. when i was pregnant with zhi, i had a craving to sit with an elephant for lunch. so i packed up a picnic, and drove us to the zoo, where we just sat and ate with the elephants. that's all we did. i love going to the zoo and instead of seeing as many animals as possible, sitting with just a choice few. whichever ones we are drawn to that day.

we hadn't been to the zoo for over 2 years before this most recent visit because i had some hard feelings to reconcile about the level of disturbance the animals feel in their captivity, mostly because a zookeeper was killed by one of the jaguars. i had to sit for a long time with that reality and my feelings for the woman and the zoo.

there is one elephant in particular in denver that has stolen my heart, and it was so sweet to see her again. i swear she knows me. (ha!) well, i know her, and i love her. there's an undeniable response i have to being with her. i kind-of lose my breath for a second when i first see her and feel the mellow love in her. then i feel myself slow down, and all thoughts fade away. elephant induced meditation. i feel so peaceful with her. she is a healer.
the denver zoo i just read is going to improve the home for the elephants. that is SUCH great news! it never feels as homey and comfortable and natural as i know it could. there's too much cement everywhere at the denver zoo.
i LOVE how he watches the animals.
and her we have, a leo and a lion. isn't it so obvious?

prowling around in the early morning

is a favorite pass time of mine. but i guess the big grumpy papa bear is not such a fan. oh well. he survives a few early morning spapshots.

getting all random now....

• today i saw a license plate that said 'luvs2laf'. i looked at the driver, and she was by herself, not on the phone, and totally laughing her head off. i laughed along. i couldn't help it. isn't laughing often so contagious??
• i am wearing my patchy jeans today. the ones i started patching when i was 17, in my first year of college, cause they were falling apart, and they were the only ones that fit me in a way i liked. i didn't have a sewing machine then, so all the first patches are sewn with big fat embroidery thread, with all this old corduroy. i love the times those patches remind me of. and they have held up really well over these past 15 years. don't knock the strength of the hand sewn. now, there are also fancy patches made with gorgeous japanese linen and fancy machine stitches using golden thread, (from that phase i had 3 years ago when i would only sew with golden thread) right beside the hand sewn ones. i wasn't thinking this morning when i put them on, what a comment magnet they are. oops. don't wear pants like these on days when you aren't feeling chatty.

there's the butt down there, cause i wasn't about to turn around in the trident and take a picture with photo booth of my a**. why do i have spell a** like this? i have no problem writing the f word whenever i want. am i being all prude and shy about something. weird.

• i am going to my 5th yoga class in 2 weeks now.
• i'm feeling incredibly guilty for some reason as i sit and take pictures of myself with photo booth, while i have a babysitter at home with the baby. i am feeling like it is a sin to sit here wasting my time like this. hmmmmm. good thing i have that yoga class in 20 minutes to keep me from filling up the photo booth library.

i love this old picture... the little hands peeking in on the sides of the frame.

bumpy bumpy bumpy

here i go, diving into a subject i am a beginner in..... forgiveness for myself. i am sadly an expert in beating myself up, and just becoming a student of for-giv-ing. it's for giving. for giving to myself, in this case. for giving to others is certainly of utmost importance, but all i am looking at now is how to give to myself. i thought about this for most of yesterday afternoon, because i was in a state that usually causes me to take a hammer to my head (awful image, but pretty accurate in terms of how cruelly i can talk to beautiful me when i am fucking up). SO, i was not doing so well meeting the annoying energy of my children, and sometimes when i am in a hard spot, with parenting especially, i think of mother lions. and yesterday i was thinking of all mothers. deer, cats, sheep, horses, whales, chimpanzees. and i kept asking myself what they would do when their babies start bugging. they walk away. they roar and swat. they give a clear signal or message that the annoying baby animal behavior is not liked. and here is what i kept coming back to yesterday.....they don't give it a second thought! i know that the mother horse who keeps walking away from her foal, because the foal is getting all up in her face and acting like a baby (which is fine, cause she is), i know that the mother horse is not thinking to herself what an awful mother she is for not being more patient and tolerant of this headache inducing behavior. i KNOW she isn't. she's just walking away, feeling 100% fine about it. let me repeat..... 100%.

every situation is different, and we are not horses, i know, hehe, but we are animals even under our humanness. so i don't justify to myself that, because the mama lion swats her child that it is okay for me to, altho i have swatted before, truth be told. but the human in me just can't go along with the idea that it's a good idea to hurt my kids as a practice and make them fear me in that way. the roaring, though, i am actually inspired at how the mama lion can give a nice firm roar and her kids hear her loud and clear.

so in some ways, in the case of parenting children who are annoying the hell out of you, i guess i am saying i don't even need to forgive myself. i actually need to feel confident in my instincts that tell me be firm with the little rascals, or that tell me to walk away. i need to feel confident, and know that losing my patience is sometimes a natural animal behavior, just as their childish behavior is natural.

i am not saying that i do not strive to exercise daily my patience muscles...and i can find much inspiration in the animal world for patient mamas too, which i need to do some looking into. anybody have some examples??

but, what does it look like when i come upon a bump in the road that makes all my sane, adult reasoning abilities fly out the window, and i do something pretty horrid, like scream at the TOP of my lungs and scare my children badly, sometimes even scaring myself. or when i have thoughts go through my head that i will not even mention, thoughts that are bad enough to even think, let alone share. that's when i really have to forgive myself. and how do i do it? at this point in my development, it really just looks like moving on, picking myself up, brushing off the dust from the wreck with the tremendous bump, telling myself it is totally normal to fuck up sometimes and hit the bump in the worst way, and breathe through the aftershock.

usually it takes time, like till the next day, before i have stopped beating myself up about the awfulness i committed. but my goal, and i feel like it is pretty realistic, is to begin to sense when something up ahead looks like it might be bumpy, and start taking action then. start some deep breathing way ahead of time. do a yoga pose. pray for guidance. whatever might bring in sanity and support, ask for it, bring it on. and that will hopefully prevent me from doing anything that i need to forgive.

but something i learned yesterday in the SHAPE OF LOVE book, is that the water crystal that formed after being exposed to the energy of the word 'despair', was actually a partially formed, beautiful crystal. it was on its way to becoming complete, just not there yet. and the author, Masaru Emoto, said the crystal is teaching us 'that any despair has hope within it.' so that's another way i worked with myself yesterday, when i was in that place where i tend to beat myself up after having hit a huge bump in the road, i thought about this crystal, and i was actually able to feel the tiny bud of hope that was hanging out in the energy field. that felt like forgiveness. energetic and without much thought associated for sure, but it shifted my state in a pretty cool way. i hope it continues to work that way. according to Emoto, there is about 20% hope in the feeling of despair. always.

now, for anyone who has read this far and is interested in sharing, how do you forgive yourself? what does it look like? i am so so wanting to learn as many ways as i can, cause i have to do this so often. deep inhale. long exhale.

thank you.

i don't know much

today is 9/9/9......999

but i know i loved this trip from last month. i am just gonna reminisce a little bit here.

this flower in particular spoke to me. actually took my breath away. i wonder what kind it is. it reminded me of my grandmother instantly. she used to notice the tiniest blooms and say something about how they just amazed her. how precious they all were. i'll never forget that about her.
this creek was fast and magical and had a huge waterfall we hiked up to. some other hikers were crossing it, and one lost a shoe. david tried for probably half an hour to help them find it, but they never did. but they didn't mind so much. it is summer, they were young and tough.
this mountain also took my breath away. it's not messing around. i wonder what's going on inside of it.
i love him.
i love trails. and i love going offtrail too. i could write a lot about why i love both. you know? you can camp anywhere you want up here. as long as you stay 100 feet from the water, and out of sight of the trail. love that. i am beginning to plan our next summer's camping trip here in my head already. i actually began dreaming about it on this day. i have big dreams of all our closest friends and their kids coming up here for a week or so, and just sinking into this life a bit all together, in the woods in the summer, and swimming in the love and joy we all create when we're together.

we went to a play this weekend. this one. it was so beautiful and inspiring for all of us, and i mean kids included, that we all went to see it again a few days later. i am in love with the boulder fringe festival. on our date night, we went to an adult piece that we both appreciated and were completely engaged in throughout. and i'd say it had quite an impact on us actually. i know we have both thought about it today. and then we watched 'this american life' on instant netflix last. our first viewing of it. it is so awesome. we have both thought about it as well today, and spoken of it a few times, the story they told just keeps coming up...about the first cloned bull, that was not actually like ferdinand anymore.

and i must also mention that david revealed his talent for speaking in all accents from around the world. name one, and he will speak like he's a native. ha! well, he's trying, anyways, and it was definitely funny watching and listening.

this book that i just got from the library inspired my thoughts this morning on vibration, and how sensitive we all are to the vibration we are immersed in, especially considering we are 90% water.

9/8/9

This sweet dress….was made while olive was growing in my belly. I sat down one day with some gumption and said I will challenge myself and make something with a zipper. It will be good for my brain, and hopefully good for the baby to feel me exercising my mental capacities like this. I was always extremely (hyper)aware of my experience and vibration when I was pregnant because I knew the baby was basically swimming in the same vibration with me. Like a little hostage. I felt so so responsible for making it a good ride for the babe in my belly. And because I am human, and so so imperfect, the ride was really not so fun all the time. But I tried really hard, and I was really aware and had high intentions, and kept coming back to them after straying and tripping on whatever bump I would inevitably stumble over. And since my 3 have all been born, and no longer (literally) swim in my vibration, I’ve realized that they do continue to swim in my vibrational field. I am still their container in a sense. I hold their space most of the time, and they DEFINITELY feel my state of being, and are definitely still little hostages to it. There is nothing more motivating to me in the world than knowing how much I influence the feel of the waters they swim in still. And there is no better exercise than this to give me endless opportunities to learn better how to forgive myself when I catch myself having a disgusting vibe. So! Back to where I started…..

The intention behind making this sweet little dress was to create a focused, intelligent, creative problem solving type vibration in my body so my baby could benefit from it and begin to feel that energy a bit on her journey into her earthly life. I hadn’t sewn a zipper in something without someone guiding me through every step, so this was a good challenge. It was a great little exercise, and this dress turned out pretty well. I have loved seeing my girls wear it for 2 years now! Thrifted linen. and a vintage metal zipper I found at an estate sale, in a box full of zippers a sewer had saved, many of them salvaged from old clothes, and carefully ripped out with a seam ripper. I hope to someday use them all up, to make good use of all the time and effort she put into saving them from the landfill.

first worn by zhi
and now olive wears it.

silly woman vibrations are definitely my kids preferred state for mama to be in. perfect remedy for teaching me to stay away from the depression. they are such beautiful teachers, and healers. i am so grateful to them for inspiring me everyday to be my best. thank you tiny loves. thank you.

looking for inspiration today in the iphoto library

here is what i found:

water

color

paper

open mind

inspired heart

joy

contemplation

gratitude

squirreling

walk out this door, and you enter the world below......

after you've gardened with your girl, hammocked, admired the new~to~you quilt found at the thrift shop, and peed (which i like to do outside for some reason, maybe a natural instinct to mark territory) you turn around and come back in, below.

you come back in and eat a little snack, play a little piano, listen to the sounds of the wild loving and intelligent animals you live with.
spot some beauty and feel proud that you made it yourself. baby kindergirl's vest.
take note of the screenplay for the up coming movie to be filmed on the weekend.....
then make some dinner, with your first soaked~over~night chickpeas, made into a concoction of your own rendering, with garlic, onion, coconut milk, curry and celery, in the cast iron pan so you give your family a little extra iron boost to boot.

feel good about the homeyness, savor it, say thanks for it. cause it doesn't always feel so good. and when the beauty isn't so easy to spot, you come back to memories like these, to wake up that remembering, to tell yourself it will be good again. this tiny storm will pass. and when it does, you might just look outside that door, and see that the garden was fed, and shaded for some much needed relief from the brilliance of the light. understand that you can't thrive in only the light, you will eventually get burned. understand that these little storms bring you inside for a reason. you gather yourself up, you get quiet and still. and when you start to see the beauty inside of yourself this time, cause you will, say thanks for that.

this is how i am talking to myself today. cause i am feeling good. i am stowing away sweetness for the winter. i had my first good cry already that summer is ending. it felt good to cry. it feels good to talk to myself.