what do you do when you feel like you're just gonna freak?

everything i wanna do, feels like it would just take me down further. alcohol, cannabis, scream at my kids and fully freak them too, shop, run away. breathe. that's all i can think of, that might help, and i know won't hurt.

i hate getting mad at my kids. this is the deal right now. i have been pushed to my edge a few times today, and i hate that edge. i judge it. it is ugly, scary. ugly and scary are bad. bad is not good. only good is good. i only like good. breathe. breathe. breathe. ice cream helped a little. breathing really works though. sometimes i pray, but i usually get distracted before i can tell if my prayer was answered. breathing is the answer for us mental types. stop everything, and breathe.

a baby moose dream

8/9/7

last night, i had some dreams that were difficult, and was awoken from the dream two times by very large wolf spiders crawling across my naked back, which I shot out of bed to trap under a cereal bowl the first time, and a lid to a wooden keep sake thing the second time……that first spider, it was crazy how big it was.

The dream, what I remember now, at 11 am, was me being somewhere, I had driven to, hours away, and my mom was there, and david and olive, and others who I don’t remember. And at some point, I became extremely angry at my mom, for being so contradicting of herself, about me. She was talking to someone first about how she believed that not hitting me as a child was the right thing to do. Then in the next conversation, she was talking about the same subject matter, but this time was saying that hitting me as a child was the best thing to do to teach me what I was doing was wrong. I heard this, and went ballistic on her……the feeling of rage was torrential, and I decided I needed to leave the place right away, I couldn’t even wait for david, which meant I would be driving myself and all three kids alone…
The next part, which I remember thanks to the next spider, was back in that place, it was like a hotel room, people were just hanging around, mike o’brien was there….and along came a frisky baby moose, it just ran in through the door, through all the people past the beds, and then turned around when it got to the wall, and was headed to go out the door, and I thought to snap a picture, and I got one just before it left, and then came 3 or 4 little fluffy bouncy dogs, and they just came to hang out I think. Blah blah blah, remembering dreams in pieces is frustrating. But I hope those pieces came to the front of my consciousness for a helpful reason, by some helpful spiders, that are now happy and set free out in the freshness of the outside.

When I woke up this morning, I read the medicine for spider and moose……..spider is telling me to create, create, create. Moose is telling me to share my joy with pride. To be proud of the work I have done, and the sense of completion I feel around the place I’ve arrived at now. Conception is complete. Now onto sharing myself with the world I materialized in.

no tears from a baby?

here is why.

this girl

I love this girl in my sling. I look at her and feel so much. Sometimes I feel pure bliss at being the recipient of her sweet smell and the fresh sweet gazes from her eyes. Sometimes I feel inadequate for the job of leading this beautiful light into this earthly world of unknowns and dangers. Sometimes I feel as if it is just me and her, and we are the only ones in the universe. Sometimes I feel excited for who she is and that she is here, and that we all get the honor and pleasure of knowing her. Sometimes I feel the deepest love I’ve ever known and tears come instantly. Sometimes I feel scared that I’m not good enough for her purity and grace, that I am just too damaged a reflection for her to look into everyday. Sometimes I feel like bursting into song when I see her open-mouth smile, her sideways smirk, and hear the first sounds of her true voice, and sometimes I do (today’s song consisted of only the words, ‘I am so fond of you’). Sometimes I feel like we live in an enchanted forest and everything is fine and she has come to show us the way back to truth and love. Sometimes I feel like licking and sucking on her. Sometimes I feel like I see my grandmother in her. Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing in the world to know, except the genuineness in her eyes.