12/18/8

 

find my discipline, and then find my inspiration.  harvesting coriander for our veggie chili.

 

What is up with the aversion to just sitting down and doing the work that I know will fill me and serve me?  I know it’s some kind of human condition, and that we all do this to some degree, but why?  It almost seems like some kind-of self torture, delaying doing that which will make us feel so much better.  Are we just a bunch of self-abusers?  

 

Well, no more!  No more!  I will delay no longer.  I am no longer surfing blogs.  I have closed safari, and opened word.  I am doing that which serves me best right now.  Purging my brain of my own thoughts…..a very good thing,  holy fuck, my brain pretty much never turns off.  Poor thing.  But this definitely helps.  I feel a lot more space and room for creative flow, in that data processor/intuition decoder bobbling around in my skull after writing just a few of the random thoughts down.  A lot more peaceful thoughts find their way in when all the disjointled (I know that’s not a word, at least not a recognized one) ones get jointled on this virtual paper. 

 

There was a dead ant in my black tea this morning.  I found it in my mouth.

(here we are on a winter sleigh ride in negative degrees.  olive is having her pssss, psssss's)

Olive notes

12/14/8

 

Olive at my side, I wouldn’t want it any other way.  And I remember this today, as I think about starting her in preschool at the age of 2!  No way.  She’s only 2.  Max started at 4.  Zhi started at 3.  My sweet babes.  I can’t send her any earlier.  Nonono.  That’s her newest word this weekend.  No and not.  And she has hot down pat.  And my and mine.  And baby. 

 

Her first word/words was baby girl.  Then tickle.  Mama has been said a few times, coming more and more.  Dat, for that.  And dis for this. 

 

12/17/8

 

Sweet thing, you are so beginning to talk. I mean, you are putting words together lightning quick now.  And it just started happening all of a sudden.  I mean, you’ve had a few words pop up here and there since summer, but now, holy moly. You started saying go just the other night.  You were watching max an zhi running up and down the hall, shouting ‘ready set go’, and you just started saying ‘GO’.  And running after them. 

 

You also love to play peek-a-boo, and the way you say boo is my favorite thing.  You say bow.  I love that so much.

 

The way you ask for boobs……you say psssss, psssssss.  I love that too, maybe more than bow for boo.  Yes, definitely more.  Our sweet little communications, they are so special to me.  In the middle of the night I hear a sweet little, pss, pssss, and we snuggle in and go right back to sleep together.  And in the day, how you are constantly reaching down my shirt with your take on how to say boobs, pssssss, olive, I love it all so much.

 

You also say owie now, when something hurts, like in response to a bang or scrape.  But the other day I was holding juniper, and the way you let me know, along with some wimpering and other obvious crying type communications, was by saying ‘owie, owie, owie.’  Claire and I thought you were so brilliant to be able to translate hurt feelings into the same category as hurt body.  Yes.  And I so promptly handed juniper to her mama, and scooped you up and gave you boobs and snuggles and your very own mama love.

 

The way you say hot is worth noting too…. You emphasize the h part, and hold out your hand, kind of like the gesture to stop traffic.  You do this because every time I’ve shown you something hot, I do that with my hand, to feel the heat coming off the fireplace or the oven, or the candle, or the lamp. You really get it, and you love to point to lights now, and show me that they too are hot. 

 

A couple nights ago, your dad was saying that it was night time. You immediately began saying night night.  Night night.  Nigh nigh. Nigh nigh.  I think we said it a hundred times, all of us, back and forth. 

i love your voice olive.  music to my ears.  singing is coming next i bet.  

 

 

this mystery

enough self respect to attend to this mystery.....thomas merton

wow.  i just had a double shot americano.  yikes!  i answered emails and facebook notes.  

i just can't get deep into my zone lately.  i like to think it's just a phase, and not worry about it.  

self respect in the mystery.  i dreamt last night about the 2 coolest antique phones in the world.  one was in the shape of an owl, both the handset and the base.  the base was owl feet, the handset was the most delicate crystal-like baby owl.  it was really beautiful.  the other phone was an old red push button corded phone.  the kind with a heavy base.  it was in excellent condition, and was a good price my sister told me.  the owl phone was in great condition too, but just a little dirty.  one quick wipe is all it needed.  i wanted both.  i was going to buy both.  i am actually really into old phones right now.  i look for them in all the thrift stores and antique stores.  i want one in every room.  just like at my grandma's house.

loving..

myself today. or maybe more accurately, being patient with myself today.   this is my birthday week.  32.  

15 minutes....

to write today.  well, i had 25, but my inbox was full of emails from people griping about their life and that took some time to reply to.  fuck.  life is a highway, and i want to ride it all night long.  that song is so dumb.  but it pops into my headway too often.  it's permanently ingrained into one of my 16 year-old brain grooves and thinks it has permission to just shout its lyrics out inside my head whenever it feels like it.  just like a 16 year old.   my kids haven't learned the word dumb yet.  how is that possible?  i bet it's coming.  maybe i'll teach it to them.   then it won't have the appeal that stupid poopy butt dirty diaper has.  they'll be like, 'oh mom taught us that word, so not cool, then.'  

this picture of max and zhi at the post office is from a year ago.  i need to look at it, to remember how relaxed and capable i was that day.  taking all 3 youngins out for errands, having fun, and even getting some pics of it.  i can do this again.  i am currently in a one day at a time outlook capability.  as are a lot of people i know.  what motivates you?  this is always interesting for me to learn about people, and to get fresh ideas.  cause isn't motivation totally related to inspiration, and aren't we just rockin when we're inspired?  what inspires and motivates you to get out of your funk and into the light supported way again?  

today i swear i need to meditate.  i swear i need to meditate everyday.  i did at a red light this morning and that helped.  we are really living down to the nitty gritty these days.  just getting lucky here and there, to get a break from the darkness.  fuck.  maybe i'll teach the kids the word fuck today too.  

i am in a thrifting phase.  it's funny how phases appear, and zoom, i am swept into their current in such a clear undeniable way.  i love it.  yesterday i found the sweetest quilt at the humane society thrift store.  and 5 little handmade doll dresses.  ( i wish i had pictures today but i don't...)  

zhi is just getting into changing dolls clothes, and she gets really into it.  she simply sits on her bedroom floor for a solid hour really looking at them and planning what she wants to put them into.  it's like a meditation for her.  i so love this.  last week, she really needed to change  the clothes on this little trolly doll, but the shirt was sewn on to the neck, somehow also being the way the doll's head was attatched to it's body.  she was so passionate about needing to put a different dress on this doll, and at the time she asked me to help, i was all uptight about it being time to make lunch and doing this project after, but my sister was there, and she kind-of helped me relax somehow just by being there interested in what zhi was doing.  she brought me a glass of water to drink, and i said okay, we can do this before lunch.  and we all sat down and used the seam ripper to remove the shirt, which made the head fall off, and then sewed her head back on, and then zhi was able to do what she needed to do, put on a different dress.  sometimes it's really really important to change your clothes.  i am dead serious.  it can make the hugest difference, for me anyways.   that's another reason thrifting is so goddamn awesome. you can get yourself a whole new wardrobe, not just for dolls, for dirt cheap.  yay!  my sister and i were wondering how you start a thrift shop.  how do you do it?  they are so cool.  knowing that the money i paid for the quilt and doll clothes yesterday,  and also some $1.50 new awesome snow boots for zhi, is going to help the humane society is like the best organic juicy cherry on top.  

the picture of zhi and the troll cup is funny.  have you ever seen a cup like this?  it actually freaked max out.  he wanted NOTHING to do with it.  he was creeped out to his core.  zhi is such a troll herself, like me, i guess that's why she liked it.  mmmm.  we are troll girls.

trolls.  scandanavian trolls.  and just for the record, david gave me 20 more minutes!   so i really had 35!

progress

The cat is going in her litter box!  we gave her a covered one and she is a pro now.  it is so awesome.  max is sleeping in his bed all night.  we gave him some rules, and he now knows that it is just a simple rule that we stay in our beds till the sun comes up.  this is cool cool stuff happening at the cohen house.