happy......glitter glue freedom?

i made the change. the change that got me over the hump with that powerful cold i had. i finally breathed last night though my nose, for the first time in a week. i am at the trident, not hacking my brains out. woohoo!!!

edit..... that improvement over my cold/sinus infection was short lived. sinus infections are tricky with how they can come back the next day. i am full of chinese herbs and homeopathics, as well as laying down for a good part of today. just saying. not all better like i thought. wah. sleep.

this happy feeling. oh i needed it. and then just when i was feeling free, freedom!, came an email just now from david, that sort-of crushed it. max seems to need more tutoring than he's getting at school. so, in addition to aikido for max and zhi on tuesdays, dance class for olive on wednesdays, rolfing for max on some mondays, we now are adding on tutoring for max on thursdays and fridays. that's so much i feel like i could almost puke. how do i make dinner when we aren't getting home till 5:30 or 6 most days? i like us to have dinner at 5:30 at the latest so that a 7:30 bedtime is within shooting range. maybe i make it during the day, and just rewarm it? how do we stay healthy if we never slow down? this is the american busyness that freaks me out and i can't believe i'm falling into the trap. happy feeling come back. this is all good stuff. but it's so much. oh wow. i guess we will try it and see, right? david says this may be the best thing we ever do for max. ok. how can we not try it? it may not, but it may be. i remember feeling like i couldn't handle all his physical therapy appointments after his surgery, and we did fine. no problem. maybe this will be like that? maybe my mom will help me take him there sometimes? oh my. homeschooling people sound like the smartest ones sometimes. why can't i do it? who am i? i am this mom who doesn't work. i stay home with my traumatized self. trauma heal. i've healed so much, and still, there is more. and, i get to stay home. i don't have to make money right now. i am losing the happy feeling. shit! come back. come back. but do i want to run from this place, this place of really looking at myself, and what i do? what do i do? what do i do? i've had a baby or two or three with me for every day of the past eight years. i did that. that makes me cry. olive just now can go to school one, maybe two days a week. i hang with my kids. and now they are slowly all making their way to school. and after school engagements. what do i do? what do i do? besides laundry and kitchen stuff and house cleaning and furniture rearranging and thrift shop? i interact and play whichever little love of mine i am blessed to be with. inter act. cool word. and i write a few times a week in my free time. that is cool. but i still feel like there is something i am not doing that i want to do. oh my god i am freaking myself out. what is it i want to do? question of the year for me i predict. and i feel like a fucking loser that i am even exposing all this. i mean, i know i am choosing. i have a choice. a blessing and a curse, as elizabeth gilbert put it so well in her book commited. choices can take us into a tailspin. but i know i'm glad i have this gift of choice. and i know a lot don't and wish they did. and then comes discipline. do i have enough discipline to make a choice and stick with it? do i want to go back to school? do i want to sew beautiful things all day and pray people will spend their precious money on them? do i want to dream as big as i can and not care what anybody says about my wild dream? i need a vision quest. really. how do i make that happen? i'm gonna write it down. i keep finding that if i write something down, it helps make it happen. i'm becoming a list addict. but i have to write it on paper with a pen or pencil. or paintbrush. or quill. or blood from my dripping wounds. or a piece of chicken shit that i find on the ground. or chalk. or tears. or spit. or the most beautiful piece of ebony charred wood that makes my hand turn black and stains all my clothes and furniture. then i will never forget what made those stains and what i was writing. or maybe a tattoo machine. or maybe glitter glue. i like glitter glue a lot. my girl zhi has reawakened in me my love for glitter glue. i really like glitter glue. i have been known to write prayers on the walls of our home in glitter glue. and i don't regret a single one. no regrets on glitter glueing.

see why i love the weekends? i predict you will not be gettin me out of the house on the weekends till spring. yep. except for my that csa pickup every third saturday when it's our turn to go. even that feels like too much. oh no. what is happening. i was so happy when i sat down. now my nose is stuffed again.

goodbye summer. goodbye wildfire season. it is cold now. and we are going inside. on the weekends. ha.

i am going home to make dinner during the day, beans and rice and veggies?, and write go on a vision quest with glitter. and tears. and blood. and dirt. and dust. and moth wings. and sweat from my aerobic cooking. and then i will trust and continue praying. for our planet family. happy feeling? ha. glitter glue? crazy woman?

muffin batter. i just got home and made dinner, and then muffins. realized muffin batter would be a good medium to use for writing too. write my words and then eat them. that would be powerful! now i can go search out the glitter glue. i have some time for intention setting.

hello.

the shirt i made olive, that set me straight for yet the millionth time, that it's better to get crafty than to get your house clean:

a little vintage trim on the bottom look so sweet to me.

a little tiny red and white checked 'tag' sewn into the back for her orientation when putting it on. love that a lot.

and in full, hanging up on the ginkgo tree we planted this year. her leaves all blew off in this wild wind last night and the night before. how nice that i snapped her photo here the day before she let them all go. max looked outside this morning and was a little alarmed that she was so bare. zhi counted, though, and there are 9 leaves still hanging on.


yay for the sweet olive and her new shirt, from this pattern. i made the sleeves long, that's the only thing i changed. no pictures of her wearing it, though, cuz i can't get her out of her mini mouse costume. she woke up this morning and asked if she could wear it to school. i had to say no, cause i'm pretty sure they don't like costumes at school. i felt sad having to tell her no. but now i can wash it. yes. must go do that.

alright, feeling the need, the strong need to change things up. what can i change besides the blog header picture?

i have been sick for too long. sinus thing and chest thing. too long. too long. too long. need to change. or maybe just lay down and watch a movie. maybe both. yes. both.

what else can i change? aaaack. i changed my routine this morning and after all kids went to school, i came straight home. no trident for tea. home. maybe i'll make our first fire of the year? all by myself? that feels strange. that would be a big change though. call in the fire, the tamed fire in the wood stove that is. not crazy grandaddy wildfire. call in sweet tidy aunt blaze. ask her in to keep us warm this year. david said he was going to order some wood today. i need to plug in the bowl warmer thing for the chickens' water. there was a layer of ice on their water this morning. wow. cold is here. came along with this crazy wind we are having. zhi said this morning that when brother wind is like this, he is angry. then she asked me how old the sun is. 4.6 billion years, my love. just a youngin. and the earth, his twin, born just seconds later, is 4.5 billion years old. obviously not identical twins though. the sun is a middle aged star, i'm sure you all know, i was reminded of when i looked to be sure i was giving her the right number. middle aged, i am now convincing myself, is still VERY VERY VERY young. as i get nearer what i guess is the middle age for hoomans, i feel so different about it. middle age is more like 70 to me now. perspective. my grandma used to say 70 year olds were so young. i'll never forget her talkin about her 70 year old friends that were just babes to her. she was 90 when she talked like that.

so, zhi then said, does sister fire, or father fire, i can't remember what she called it, i think it was father fire, fly? i said 'yes, we learned that fire can fly from treetop to treetop from the fire on our mountain this summer. and the sun seems to know how to fly through space.' then, she says, 'what about sister water?' i said, 'hmmm, what do you think? can water fly?' she is so cool. she goes, 'the clouds.' mmm, i love that. we never got to mother earth and her ability to fly, cuz it was time to brush teeth or something. but i loved this conversation this morning. so i will ponder today, does mother earth know how to fly?

i went to bed with the trusty hot water bottle last night at my feet. that feels so good to me. like the new cover i sewed for it? from the sleeve of the button~up shirt i cut up to make zhi a skirt. i decided to see what i else i could make from what was left.

i got the hot water bottle cover:

a little hanky case thing:

empty

and full

i also got a glasses pouch, and some little pouches i've been using for dryish snacks in lunch boxes, and i have more scraps i could use, but i lost interest. you can tell where my inspiration was though. stuff for when you are sick and cold. i can't think of anything to go with the netty pot, my other main accessory these days....hmmm. maybe just a hanky made out of the scraps. a patchwork hanky. ha. or maybe a netty pot case, to pack it away in, and not take out again, for a long long long time.

weekending is the best. school days are good. but there's nothing like these sunkin in moments of a weekend. nothing. they are my fave. setting the intention here to snap a picute of my two latest hats, the first one i made for d in baltimore is a tad too small for him, but it fits me perfectly. i like it. his new one here, that i finished, is so cute on him. now i'm onto a hat for each kid. i'm gonna knit them at the same time, so they're done at the same time. fun. olive chose black yarn. zhi hot pink. max picked the brightest red ever. i tried to talk him into a red that was a little more earthy. now way was he budging. good for him. i seriously LOVE when my kids know what they want and they put me in my place. even if i whine and cry and blog on and on about their rotten behavior. i love their knowing of who they are and what freaking color THEY want!

ok.

bleeding

thursday ~

holy gratitude and grace and magic today.

here. her whole site is magical. an artist friend gave this link to me to look at. i am freaking over this woman's art. look at her embroidering for sure. but everything really does something for me.

here.

this morning. this morning has been so unusual and undefinable. the kind of morning i want to put in a mold and figure out. study backward and sideways and inside out. i love what happened this morning. what happened:

i couldn't sleep because my nose was stuffed. well, somehow i managed to lay in bed from 10 to 5. but i swear i never slept. i got up at 5. that is rare for me.

random note insert! : i want to do something important. i need to feel that what i do is important. questioning. must question sometimes.

so i got up early. i showered. i made tea. all before the kids were awake. i was not in a hurry. i did not pester anyone to do anything for getting ready for school once they were awake. i just watched. it all happened. i did freak mildly, pretty mildly, once when they didn't brush teeth when i asked them to. i could have done without that. maybe next time. we had TIME to spare as we drove away to meet the school bus. we went the long way. we saw a wolf in the early morning sun relaxing in a field. i am sure it was a wolf. not a coyote. i loved how that all happened. what i learned: i relax, things go better. why so hard to do? the pace of american life is crazy making. that's my answer to why. i love the wolf. his pace.

not being rushed is what i like. getting up early was the key. my new favorite quote. by me.

friday ~

saw a baby lynx today with olive on the way to pick up m and z at the bus stop. over the top cute little fluffy baby wild cat.

making this tonight.

saturday ~

what did i learn today? that a birthday party for a two year old can cheer me up. this particular two year old, who happens to be my niece, her party did anyways. outside, in the fall wind, with pretty balloons and leaves, furry ponies. cake. funny kids. my cute sharp sister with her new haircut. i was grumpy from a fight with david, and then when we left her party, i was all better. david and i went on to have a little datenight, where we had some good soulful talking, more crying from me. that's a nice end to a marital disagreement.

sunday~

what did i learn today?

that choosing not to clean the disgustingly messy bedroom that still has suitcases on the floor, and messes of clothes all over, and instead, choosing to go sew olive a cute shirt made good sense. i felt calmer tonight because i was creative, and i let myself slack on being june cleaver in the bedroom. hmmmm, now that sounds more interesting than i meant it to. and oh boy, was it a good thing i was calm and resourced tonight. we had some crazy family dynamics that i waded through pretty pretty well. pat pat. on the back. yay for that. my bedroom may never get straightened up. i like the feeling of being resourced so much more than the feeling of having an organized room. but i do like a tidy room. so many choices in life! maid? is that a real choice? no. but it's sort-of fun to imagine. a daily maid. imagine it. so weird.

also~ relaxing with max has been happening more since thursday for me. it has been a very smart step in the right direction. whew. the build ups in energy to the squeeze points, the points where we finally break down and release once we are squeezed through, like in birth, are so god damn intense. the relief afterward is so god damn life saving. i find it hilarious at the moment that we do this endlessly. what are we doing? so funny. right now anyways.

and i am listening to my sister, and going to bed early, which means i am not uploading anymore photos tonight. you can see her cute shirt tomorrow. or whenever i get to it.

yin yang

the girls and i went thrifting with my sister and niece this weekend. look at what zhi found! i almost said no, thinking to myself, in my bitchy way, that's tacky. but grace found a way in, and i saw it how she saw it, as a treasure! yay for how children see! and for grace helping us adults when we are so busy judging their ways of seeing. now i see its funky coolness. i love it like she does!

i got us those new medium size plates, and that little tin i handed to olive. luckily she was down with that being her new treasure.

and a whole bunch of fabrics that i tore up into squares to be used as napkins at our soup shop. it's time for soup. in the fall, our gelato shop turns into a soup shop. yumm. yumm in all seasons. and do you need to wipe your chin? here, have a nice cute cloth napkin.

now, for a little dark in the light......

i've been working. working real real hard. working hard to resist the serious desire to put my eldest in a freaking foster home so he can learn some respect. and then the dummed down version david came up with this morning, of hiring someone to come live with us to be his caretaker. the child won't listen to me or his dad unless we yell. or, if i say it nicely, and just keep at it till he listens, then he yells at me for telling him what to do. ummm, hello. you can't sit around all day in your goddman pullup from the night before. he still pees in bed when he's sleeping. i did too until i was about 8. family pattern i guess. but, it's basic stuff we're working on here. and, hello, we also need to work on some writing and reading homework. just a bit, here. i'm not asking you to do anything you are not capable of. it's just a bunch of stuff you don't want to do. sorry babe. life as a human is not about sitting in dirty diapers and watching movies all the time. at least not in this house. geez. ...........how am i at this juncture with him at the age of 8? why does he argue with it all? my teachers would say, it's not about these issues, but stuff, unconscious stuff, underneath working its way up and out. wah. wah wah wah wah wah. this is so hard. i wish it was as easy as this:

i worked pretty hard on this little chart thing last week. when i was feeling artistic. i even want them to put their darks in the dark side of the hamper, and lights in the light side. i am serious! we had a big conversation about how they are old enough to do all these things without being asked. they can look at the chart to see what to do if they forget. for zhi, it's working. really well. she loves a good chart to follow. max, i'm surprised he hasn't taken the frame off the wall and smashed it. seriously.

(zhi was inspired to make her own chart for david and me, to tell us what to do in the morning. i love hers. it's going to be framed next to the other. except, she told me version two is abut to be made, so i'm waiting for it.)

or this, i wish it was as easy as this, playing with olive while i sew a little, in her cape that she ironed and then put on me:

i eat toast she made me.

and another snack.

some tea she made too.

she made me a lot of food!

but really, also, this is what it is like:

that photo breaks me. breaks me in ten million pieces. and when i am in that many pieces, i don't know what to do, how to do it, or anything. i don't know anything. except that i feel broken. and my son feels broken. and i know my husband does too.

i reflect. i come to my corner of the house, and reflect. i clean my space. i get to working on a little project. i find clarity. balance. after a while, without my knowing how it happened, i feel like i'm in one piece again! gumption is there. and more inspiration thank god. and i remember him. him in his oneness. his holy self. he is holy. it is palpable. and human. and an 8 year old boy.

strong him. strong glorious beautiful inspiring him. and i don't have a plan. beyond more conversations. many conversations about the same subject. the subject of growing older and being asked to be more responsible for ourselves. and respecting your parents and teachers. there's no way around this lesson. he is not a vegetable. he is not deaf. he almost was, but he is not. he is a spunky, capable, smart boy. with definite challenges, but still, he is capable. as his mother, i am sure of this. and he has a will like you've NEVER seen. oh yes. at least like i've never seen. and a heart. his heart is a healer.

so here, i am learning. learning how conversations are not over when you think, or hope, or want them to be. NO. conversations will last as long as they last. emotional endurance is what i'm looking for here. i've got it. endurance that is. i just need more. i need to keep working out. i went on a hike with my womens' group this weekend. we talked about the difference between endurance, creating endurance, and enduring. they are so different. i have to make sure i am not just enduring here, but actively participating, and creating stronger endurance in myself. breathe. emotional endurance is the bomb. so is physical.

sometimes i lose faith in myself, and really feel like i can't do this. like at mile 24 of the marathon. sometimes i look around and feel desperately alone in the conversation with max. and when i do, lately, i call a friend. friends are getting us through this. when i am in ten million pieces, and am incapable of taking the next step cuz i can't see straight, friends help. so much. here, i am also learning how to ask for help. i didn't used to be able to do this. asking for help was not in my toolbox. max, look at how much i am learning. because of you. with you. i hope you are learning too, babe. it's hard for me to tell right now. i just hope at least, at the very least, you are learning in a way you will never forget, how i keep coming back to you, how much i love you.

and after that, i really want you to learn to just go take your pull up off and put it in the trash when you wake up. without me asking. this pull up conversation is boring, right?

love

i loved this today.

okay. now on with something learned. for my contribution to this project for peace. you may be surprised, well, probably not, but hooping creates peace in my body. FO SHO.

i've been working on this. a little. i'm feeling very brave, and i'm going to show you my progress!!

please laugh with me! i barely have it, but i made some progress for sure yesterday, and it is so funny to do right now, in my awkward way. i really need to work on the part where i spin it around my wrist/hand. need to learn some technique there. it hurts my wrist bones. i must be hooping it at the wrong spot of the arm..anyone have tips?? note added on: DUH!! i just watched the master woman's video again. she is totally hooping it between her forefinger and thumb. also known as the thenar space! i'm so excited to work that little bit out now, hoop on my phalangeal webbing. woohoo. that little detail somehow was not catching my attention till now. it's like yoga. there are so MANY little details to attend to to get your pose nice, deep, and proper.

i appear really sweet in this video. you can't really feel my edge at all, dang it. for those of you who haven't met me in person, i am edgy, i swear! not just sweet. (i wish my friend could insert her take on my edge, my friend who i've been hounding rudely and snob~ily to learn to knit continental and not american style. poor thing. i feel sorry for all of you who do it that poor hokey american way. it's not too late to learn... geez! i guess that shows the bitch in me more than the edge though. my friend stands by her unsophisticated way though. it's amazing. she really defends it. well, actually she defends her desire to just find peace in the way she's always done it. when peace is hard to come by, i can't argue with her there.) next video must capture the edge. i can't believe i posted that. hahahaha. i hope it made you smile or laugh. (hear my kids laughing and going crazy in the background?) and maybe even consider the hoop as a way of bringing peace to this earth. with laughter and rhythm. love her. love her. love her. and with a strong sense that creating peace, finding peace, cultivating peace, within ourselves is a process. there will always be more tricks to learn!!!! like last week's trick for me was to just go all out with the freak~out for a couple days. i felt so much more peaceful after that!!

now for one more funny:

i found that box, with a full unopened little bottle of scotch in it, in my three year old's backpack the other day. i know where she got it. it was in a bag in our root cellar with a bunch of junk i had cleaned out of the car and just hadn't gotten around to organizing. well, olive, in her hoarding mentality, which is off the charts these days, spots it, decides she likes the looks of it, and stashes it in her little backpack that she takes to school once a week. i am so glad i found that before her school did. oh my gosh, that would have been kind-of bad, right? oops. putting all the booze out of reach. now. sweet baby. little stasher.

hahaha

i found this on a friend's facebook page last night. makes me happy. i can't wait to say it someone soon. just to mess.

but now that i've posted this, i'm ruining the potential surprise for a whole bunch of candidates. maybe if i say it to david today, i'll squeak it in before he comes here to the blog. i think we have a date to plan for saturday. i could probably create a fake conversation about needing to plan that.

there's my toe color for this week. pretty popular color i noticed in baltimore. everyone's toes when i started looking around, cause it was warm there last week, were this color.

AND~i am not embarrassed by my butterfly tattoo. nope. i love it. even though it is way sweeter than any tattoo i would get today, i love it. i was a sweet 18 year old. sweet girl doing something 'bad', getting a butterfly tattoo! hahha. today, i am pretty sure i would have a snake or a devil or something very edgy put on my skin. to go along with the part of me that bangs a child's trike on the hallway wall at 7:30 in the morning to get my kids to listen to me. maybe a jackhammer would be a good image.

anyhoo.

i feel artistic today. going to go do some kind of art for a little bit.

be back later with a report on something learned.

today i learned...

that listening to eckhart tolle while driving to and from here and there, can be a saving grace, because right now, these past two days, i am making betty draper look like a dream mom. and i'm serious. i am losing it. all of a sudden i see only dis-obediance, disrespect, and defiance in my kids. even though i have raged, which included banging the little trike that olive rides in the house against our stone wall in the hallway to get their fucking attention while they were supposed to be getting ready for school, yes, even though i have raged in ways i don't enjoy or ever aspire to, i am forgiving myself, or something. and i am seeing that i now have my kids' full attention. they are beginning to snap right to it when i ask them to put their this there and their that here and to stop the fucking fighting. they are just beginning to listen the first time i say it. i am creating a large shift in this household, in terms of establishing authority and respect between kids and parents. it got out of control. i didn't even realize it. and coming home from grandparents' house will exacerbate behavior like this, cuz they were given lots of slack while on vacation. but still. no more disrespect. i'm scared i'm coming too close to how my dad was when he all of a sudden told me and my brothers we had to start saying yes sir no sir and yes mam no mam to him and my stepmom everytime we answered anything to them. maybe it's in my blood, this need for obvious respect. i have no desire to hear yes mam no mam though, from my kids, ever. just a lot more pleases and thank yous. anyways. i learned that when i'm raging and negative, eckhart is nice. olive even liked him. she so quietly listened with me. i am paying attention to my inner body a lot more this afternoon. i love it. disc 4 from the power of now. oh yes.

also, i cried about 27 times today reading about the miners' rescue. and watching the live video stream for a while. that was beautiful. and then tonight as i read james and the giant peach to the kids, it was sort-of strange how similar the situation felt, with the way the critters on the peach go down a long tunnel into the pit, and then the way the silk worm spins for james to have something to hang on to while he went over the side of the peach to save the centipede. not the same, but it felt like something similar. i am in love with that miners' rescue mission. madly. happily, tearily. that was so beautiful. i hope those men get all the support they need now to recover from that unimaginable trauma. it feels like they will.

i feel like posting this video of max, hiking recently, and how cute it was, when he saw a large bear poop. the way he goes around it is so sweet. even though he's been driving me crazy, i freaking love him, and his precious way.

that was a really fun trip and now we are home. and...what did you learn today?

max's eyes are perfect. yeehaw. perfect as far as cp related injury. he will need to be glassed, is that a verb?, come middle school, but that's from papa's genes. not cp. he'll be so handsome in glasses. it's a little hard to swallow that he'll need glasses and hearing aids. but, whatever. not gonna dwell there. he is so awesome. these are really minor things in the grand scheme. i think. right?

at the nail saloon. yes. i want to call it a saloon. girls go here to get satisfied. and slightly altered by the way it feels to be pampered and primmed. it feels good. olive chose blue fingers and hot pink toes. zhi went hot pink all over. i got silver fingers and dark purple toes. cousins got blue and green, aunts and grandma all went dark dark purple on fingers and toes. kind of goth! i was so into it.

waiting for grandma to get her hair done. i work on david's hat. that turned out so well, but maybe a tad small. so i'm halfway through another that will have 16 more stitches around the circumference.

a party for being married 50, fifty, cincuenta, ten times 5, 25 times 2, fifty loving living working years at marriage, together. a party for that must be awesome. and it was. so fun.

there was an atmosphere that just made it feel so festive and loving.

olive and max danced so much. usually the whole floor was covered with people. these people are dancers.

max took this of me. i love it. i was posing for him. he took a lot of photos. i gave him free reign with my camera. here are some of his amazing shots:

he took about 20 photos of the dessert table.

he got this great one of an uncle from puerto rico, who after a few glasses of wine, found himself up with the band belting it out. that was funny. and that was one of the best bands ever ever ever. smokey robinson al green aretha and chaka khan were all being channeled flawlessly.

walk around the harbor.

duckpin bowl.

and now we are home. back to school already. i'm probably getting a ticket on my car but i'm too lazy to go out and put more in the meter. i am thinking about how we choose what to do with our time. there are so many things i want to do. it is continuously difficult for me to choose something and focus on it and not question if i made the right choice. really looking at this fortunate dilemma.

makes me think of this quote my friend sent me the other day.

"just sit down and be quiet. the reason is you are drunk and this is the edge of the roof."

rumi.

yumm. gonna go home now. home. glad for home. we are so fortunate. i see it today. this moment, anyway. i hope to revisit this moment a lot today. and tomorrow. i'll start there. maybe actually just keep it at today, i need it simple for this overzealous grasping brain. that's my intention i'm setting this month for this movement. i love those girls so much.

slight amendment, or addition, to my intention for this piece together peace movement , after thinking about it more this morning: i like the idea of asking myself each day, probably in the evening after the kids have gone to bed, or maybe sometimes at dinner when we're all together we could all answer this question, or whoever wants to can answer it, answer the question, what did you learn today? and i will write it down each day, and maybe post it here most days. sounds really fun and reflective and like it would bring me to a meditative place for those moments i pondered the day and what i gleaned, if anything. what if nothing is my answer? i guess nothing would be my answer. and then i could explore nothing! okay peace, i'm hoping i get more of you out of this. it's such a nice open question. what did you learn today?