trick

dance

i want to post a dance photo soon.  i felt that urge over come me last night.  ok?  ok.  basically i felt the urge to trick myself into dancing.

olive will be psyched.  she's such a sucker for dancing.  how cool is that?  she's been saying psyched more and more lately too.


i've been doing some tricky 'tricks' on my mind lately,  the past few nights, focusing on forgiving those ladies from my old women's group.  i've been sad and angry when i think about them, my neighbor in particular because we are so close in proximity and so i actually see her or her house and then of course i feel jaded.  but because the anger isn't taking me anywhere beyond further down, i let myself feel what it feels like to forgive them all.  i tricked myself into allowing myself to feel that.  and it worked.  for as long as i was focusing on it.  it goes away fast once i stop focusing.  that's ok.  it's a start.  now whenever i think of them, i do this.  i forgive.  aaaaah.  it's really like a heart orgasm, when i do it.  it feels better.  that's all i know.  i'm not thinking i'm better than them anymore either.  just different.  we just came to a place where it was mostly clear that we all wanted different things.  and now, when i see other women around town,  that i am friends with, i think to myself, hmmmm, she would be nice to be in a women's group with.  and that feels nice.  to at least see that there are other women in my life who i feel that way about.  lalala.

today has been hard.  so was last night.  sometimes the heaviness just comes and really weighs me down.  playing  i mind (james blake again) as loud as i can take it in the car, so loud that i know other cars can here the base even in winter with everyones' windows up, and no,  the kids are not with me when i do this, but doing that with that song today was helpful.  and now, i sit with tea and ponder how else i can trick myself into some lighter space.

telling myself only things that i feel are healthy and whole about my children.  refraining from picking them apart and worrying about how each of them is going to be wrecked, or is already wrecked, because of my wrong~doings, or because of the culture's wrong~doings....  refraining from that kind of horrid thinking is a definite assist in getting me closer to the light.  and these whole and healthy aspects of my children, i do not take credit for that.  nope.  i seem to only take credit for how they seem messed up sometimes.  geez, heath, you seem to have a devil complex now.  try ing to balance out the god complex.    you really know how to take yourself DOWN.   yep.  i do.  but on the flip side, i am looking into this trickiness of how to take myself up.  UP UP UP UP.  just cuz the weight of being so far down starts to hurt after a while.  there are things about being down that i sometimes feel are helpful to my humility.  or my sensitivity.  my humanity.   i guess i mean, i know i can't, or don't want to be, but really, i can't, be a person who is just up.  the underworld is kind-of etched into me.  was i born there?  maybe so.  i can't lose the knowing i have of being from the underworld.  but i do start to get gnarly and twisty and can't grow toward the light, when i'm under so much weight.  i can't even sense it,  or feel it, to know which way to grow towards.  i've lost sense of direction.  this happens to me sometimes.  guidebook?  friendly mole or rat around here to tell me where i've wandered to?   tunnels.  caverns.  my world as of late.  making me want to read the wizard of earthsea books again.

telling myself things that are whole and healthy about me could be a good trick too.  hmmmmm.  that idea makes me move my mouth to the side and wonder, a lot.  what are those things?  what is one thing even?  lips/ mouth are very far the right.



i just don't know.  not right now.  that's not a trick that i'm interested in for some reason.  not into me so much right now.

anyhows.

i've been wearing zhi's sweater.  i've been feeling a little strange wearing my daughter's sweater, but it's not stopped me.  cuz you know i like strange.  there's something about me that i feel is whole and healthy.  my strangeness. there.  but yeah,   i really love it, the sweater.   it fits me in a fine way i think?  zhi doesn't mind at all.  she said it's fine if i wear it, and she'll wear it sometimes too.  yeah.  right.  i think she is a girl who won't wear wool.   scratch attack.  it's soft wool.  she's a prima donna lately.  but how interesting that her sweater, kind-of fits me.  i like the neckline so much.

three quarter length sleeves are cool.  feels kind of free.


sometimes i even wear that hat i just made david, at the same time as this sweater,  and then i look funny and very matchy since they are from the same yarn, and i feel like a person who gives a present and then takes it back.  a funny matchy present~taker~backer.  now don't you want to feel that way!   i'd much rather them wear these things.  but if they aren't, well.  ok.  i will then.  ha!  watch out if i ever make a baby sweater for somebody and i see it's not being worn!  i'll just squeeze myself on into it.  i'll find a way.  just like i am determined to find a way to dig out.  i think my point earlier was that i know i'm not going to fully get free from the underworld stuff.  and when i feel really high, i've pretty much learned that i can't stay there.  i don't want to stay there.   i'd float away and i'd forget to eat and feed the little munchkins.  and when i get too high,  which i don't think can even happen anymore,  i've learned that i need to go and find something to weigh me down.  put some rocks in my pockets.  when i'm too low, i haven't learnt this one so well.  (learnt is a cool word and i want to spell that in scrabble too.)   but that's where i am at right now.  traversing dark tunnels.  i have been lighting a candle more at home.  exercise would be smart.  maybe i could run these dark ass tunnels with my candle in hand.



when i'm too low, low low low, what comes to mind right now, as i ponder myself and my relationship to nature and the seasons, and all i know, is trust.  like i trust that spring will come.  i really trust that (ha).   i  can feel deep inside me, some trust somewhere in me, that i know how to handle this dark stuff.  and i'm gonna know when it's time to poke my new green growth out of these purply tunnels.

i am wearing my preppy wool pants that i got thrifting today.  david asked me what business meeting i am going to.  it's true.  i look businessy.  i'm taking this tunnel work seriously.  getting down to business amongst the roots and mysterious richness and trapped nitrogen, working on some law school papers and some very important plans.  where are my fake glasses?  i need them.  and more.  i need more.  more more more.  more.