more from the underworld.

citrus flavored fish oil burps coming up, sadness and loneliness coming in here and there, wishing we weren't all so far apart...even my friends who are in this town, sometimes we all feel so far apart.  better go on and do some of that stuff i need to do.  wood.  food.  kids who are gonna need food too soon.  wood food soon.  too bad wood doesn't rhyme with food and soon.

ever wondered where epsom salts come from?



the elephant in the room.  i am a fan of naming it.

my elephant, the one i've been living with for as long as i can remember is the unloved elephant.   it is a big elephant.  i love elephants.  sometimes, i've gone to the zoo, and only sat with the elephants.  for an hour or two.  i've made my kids do this too.  i feel like i got the idea from some novel i read a long time ago.  but i don't remember now really.  it's been a long time, though, since we've sat with the elephants....  it might be time to do this again.  i feel like it is.



to feel unloved is something i struggle with sometimes.  i think that's why i'm swirling in the underworld right now.  i've forgotten myself.  or i've come to a new place in myself, going another layer deeper in the testing of my own self love.  just how deep does it go?  can't resist.

how deep does my self love go?  self.  sweet savory self.

what if.  what if i was to let go of my inner ~ critic?  the one that helps in making me feel that i am utterly unlovable sometimes?

to let go~

to let go is not care for, but to care about.

to let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

to let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

to let go is not to be in the middle of arranging all outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own destinies.

to let go is not to be protective, but to permit others to face reality.

to let go is to fear less, and to love more.

~author unknown

a tiny heart orgasm while i sit and feel what it feels like to do this for my self.  i am in a place i think, of needing to recite very generic mantras on how awesome i am.  like, i am beautiful.  i am strong.  i am lovable, i am worthy.  keep coming back to the middle. i need to keep loving myself when those i look out to, to affirm for me that i am ok and lovable,  can't seem to do it quite right.  because my inner wild wisdom is just not gonna be satisfied until i can affirm it for myself.  

i did make myself dance this morning. it was such a fake~it~till i make it experience, i was surprised that it worked.  like some of you said to me in response to that last underworld post.  fake~it~till you make it can work.  often.  and i fucking hate it.  i hate forcing myself to pull up out of my misery and do something that doesn't feel authentic for any amount of time.  i guess if i was a kid, i would be wailing more.  and since i'm not wailing really, how else to churn up the stagnant energy?  the adult me has lost her instincts for dealing with the pits, somewhat.  but hey.  this is where having these minds actually come in somewhat handy.  my mind is hearing a message from my soul saying 'shake it up, yo.'  and hearing messages from my sister on the telephone line saying, do something crazy.  go stay at a hotel for a night and watch the oscars you silly (we don't have tv reception).  you'll only live this life this once.  she also told me recently, when i was whining about going to the grocery store, very embarrassing to admit,.  the banality of that chore was killing me this one day.  she told me to buy myself something fun while i was there.  i bought purple eyeliner because of her, and it has cheered me up many times since.   what is up with my sister these days?  she's one of the lines i find in this underworld.  a steady steady ever present line.   as much as some of us dis family and the complicatedness of those relationships, they are the ones that seem to be the most constant, often.  the most forgiving.   i keep wondering if maybe i'm supposed to keep all this to myself.  if being in the underworld is meant to be quiet and dark on purpose.  am i looking out for a line too much?  well just in case, i am redirecting, and looking in for the line.  and i figure writing about looking in can't hurt too much.  as long as i keep looking in.  line after line after line i am finding inside. so surprising after days of refusing to look in.   i really do find them when i look. i find what i am craving.   self~lines.  lots of them look to be laundry lines.  some are telephone lines.  there's that sister telephone line for sure.  cuz duh.  we came from the same underworld womb.  that's a lot of similar history.   we speak the same underworld language.  so it is making sense to me as i ponder, why i find her line down here in the dark.  dark dark dark.  playing in the dark is possible.  i just have to let go of the fear first.  and the amount of focus it takes too, is not to be denied.  focusing in is tricky when there are cute little people asking me to look at them a zillion times a day.  but tricky is what i'm doing.  i signed up for tricky.  making myself dance was a trick for sure.  too bad i hated it for a second, but luckily it was only for a second.  tiny contraction really.   

fuck. sometimes a woman just needs to cuss.  FUCK.  shitty ass fucking fucking fucking shit.

somehow this space too, seems to be really immersed in the dark.  this blog space.  i guess there is electricity in the underworld.   and internet lines.  they're obviously letting me use my laptop.   oh how this blog needs to be called dark and macaroni.  dark processing and stupid macaroni.  just for now.  along with its other names.  light and foxy gnomes.  chill out and shut up.  freak your brains out.  and.  stupid waste of time.  there.  that sums it all up.  what is going on?  i'm not even pmsing.

end of february contractions?  i'm taking vitamin d.

just for now.  i have to call it dark and macaroni.  it makes me feel better.  lighter.   

the earrings are in motion




boo.  eggs?

how deep?

deeeeeeeeep.

mmmm, focused and very deep.