my law school paper

ha.  just the title there cracks me up.  i was inspired the other day by my law school going sister.  she called me, after just having finished up a heck of a paper.  one that put her through more misery than childbirth it seemed.  and i was there when she had her baby.  her relief after finishing that paper, was so great, i got jealous.  or inspired.  aren't they so similar.  like opposite sides of the same coin.  i think they could be.  jealousy/inspiration.  i told her i want to finish my paper.  but to finish it, i need to start it.  and to start it?  what the hell is my paper gonna be?  how am i to create this false sense of stress, so that i can then be free of it, so that i can then feel that great relief that comes with finishing something that was worked on so effortfully, wholly, and with such pain?  how funny, that i am this desperate for some sense of relief, that i am looking to up my stress, so that i can feel it lessen?  i think i am insane.  acceptance of that.  so what's my trial's subject?  sister's was about this high school kid who wore a button on her shirt saying 'the army sucks'.  the school's action was to suspend for three days, along with some other bullshit disciplinary actions.  sister argued that it was unconstitutional to do that, and more.  and she rocked it.  as far as my nonlawschooleducatedass can tell.  i feel so dumb with my language here compared to my sister's in her paper.  just a dumb ole house wife here.  heh.

alright.  so my paper.  hmmmmmm. .......nope.  not happening.  my paper.  my paper is gonna be some crazy art project.  where i give myself a freakish deadline.  i make myself drop everything just about, to serve the project.  my family just has to understand that i'm doing this for the cause.  the cause is relaxation.  i need to relax.  i can't relax.  but maybe i will if i work my ass off on something, and then feel a sense of accomplishment, and exhaustion. i am not going to be a lawyer.  but i am an artist in some way.  an artist who has mostly put her supplies away, for the past ten years, in the name of raising up some cool freaker magical kids.  i've tried to be artistic about the way i've raised them.  but it's not the same.  duh.  i want to embroider 'duh' on something.   yeah, it's not the same.  alright.  quilt project?  painting?  short story?  what the hell do i want to get creative and work my ass off on?


hello!!  hi.  HEY!  yep.  i just had a wake up moment.  how funny am i?   pretty.  i need to relax more.  i want to relax more, so what do i think i need to do?  stress out more?  oh it's too funny.  but i was close.  with the art.  just doing art.  any amount, any kind, any where, any how, relaxes me.  giving myself a deadline, will not work.  i've even tried it.  i rebel when i do stuff like that.  i rebel on the self-imposed nonsense.  cuz deep down i know it's nonsense.  and deep down, i want what's real.  aaaaaaaaah.  getting closer.  just naming the desire gets me closer.  love.  love.  love.

(side note.  i got the name of a new to us physical therapist for max.  that is my baby step for the week.  i think i am chilling out on the idea of surgery number two for a while anyways.  there are different schools of thought on when is the right time to do that procedure, and so for now, i am gonna hang back, meet the new PT, and breathe and relax!)



sweet birds are laying so many eggs these days.  partially becuz i've had to keep the heat lamp on, for turkey boy, who was in major recovery healing mode and needing extra support to keep that body temp up.  baby boy was shivering for a while there.  all that light made those hens think it was high summer.  like high summer at the equator.  i turned the light off yesterday, so maybe their bodies can get back into nature's rhythm now.

that turkey boy buford seems so much better.  he's beat up, you can tell, but he's strong seeming.  he's got a few rogue feathers from the attack still poking out.  and he might have a limp, i'm not really sure.  the ground has been so snowy and he hasn't been able to really walk around on the ground in a free way yet.  and duck brother, who is now the sole duck, seems ok.  i think?  we sure love them.



i just now got an email from the bee swarm catcher.  i am on the swarm list again.  she wrote me the nicest letter.

the art supplies i am diggin  into:

i cut into some of this fabric i've been collecting for so long.  i have this stash.  an amazing stash.  once i had a dream where my grandma and i were shopping for fabric.  in the dream, she told me to always buy whatever fabric i want.  ha!  sometimes i justify my fabric habit with that dream.  yep.  it really works.  she told me to!!!!  so i'm looking at it, that stash,  planning the quilts??  i think i am planning them.   still  in the dream stage.   but i did cut into that red and it will be a shirt soon.  for me.



david got me these awesome thin gold hoop earrings for valentine's day.  my new favorites.


and, today is my love's birthday.  i already wrote him one of the best love letter cards i've ever written him in all these bakers' dozen of years we've been together.  well, it was the easiest one to write, with the flow of pure love.  cuz the love is reigning like it never has before.  or maybe it's the peace.  yes.  the peace is reigning.  sure we get in spats here and there like any animal couple will, but the letting go, and the forgiveness, those two things happen now.  and the humor.  and the understanding.  and the awareness that we really want to be together.  we knew that all along, duh.  i mean we got married.  but then it got hard kind of fast and for a long time.  and with such intensity.   i haven't been able to crank out a love letter to him, without also having to add in that 'the hard times are worth it and thank goodness we are working through them',  just to keep it real, and so that he'd know it was me actually writing the letter, and not me turned schizophrenic, all of a sudden writing a gusher.   and i am not bragging here.  nope.  i'm just reporting.  or something.  just telling it, and not censoring.  i want to be a moon goddess.  he is a sun god.  i can verifiably say that he is a sun god.  i told him that in my wedding vows.  i am a moon goddess.  he taught me.  i taught him.  we listened and learned.  he is 44 today.  his mama is in town.  it is bittersweet.  we are here being in the bittersweetness of it together.  he is so loved.   happy birthday dear kind man.  happy birthday.


oh.  here's his birthday hat!  i just finished it last night.  before he even got out of bed this morning i put it on his head.  it's the botanic hat pattern.

and it's reversible.

he's been wearing it all day.  how cute.

i had a dream last night that i was taking a poetry class.  i walked into the class for the first time, and saw that the professor was my dad.   my dad who's been dead for over 7 years now.  he looked so good.  i was thrilled to see him.  beyond thrilled.  but i played it cool, cuz i just wanted to sit in the back and watch him.  take him in, in this role i'd never seen him in before.  next thing i knew, he was michael scott.  sounds plausible.  well.  that was awesome to see you dad.  very very very awesome.  please keep teaching that class.

and then i had a part of the dream where i kept writing sentences without verbs.  and i was getting in trouble for it.

boy.  grass and carpets.  sunshine golden fire.

hmmmmmmmm.

good thing i am not trying to write a law school paper after all i guess.

ok.  here's a rumi poem that spoke to me the other day, really really spoke to me, speaking of poetry class.  a friend mailed it to me for valentine's day.  i loved getting a real letter, a real valentine.  i want to remember that and do that too.

Time to go Home

Late and starting to rain,
it's time to go home.
We've wandered long enough
in empty buildings.
I know it's tempting to stay
and meet those new people.
I know it's even more sensible
to spend the night here with them,
but I want to go home.

We've seen enough beautiful places
with signs on them saying
This is God's House.That's seeing the
grain like the ants do,
without the work of harvesting.
Let's leave grazing to cows and go
where we know what everyone really intends,
where we can walk around without clothes on.

RUMI ~ from: 'Open Secret' Trans Coleman Barks