opening

knitting the last bit of the sweaters there.  and making david take a photo of it.

the amaryllis bloomed.

and

da da da dum......

here they are.... out of their bags that they've been living and growing in for 10 months!  i like to be quite overdue, don't i?  miss zhi was 17 days late. i like to brag on that to people who are whining about being overdue.  shut up.  no whining unless you're more than 17 days late.  and you're going for a vbac, and you've got the freaking doctor freaking out cuz you won't go into labor on his timetable.  just kidding.  you can whine about whatever.  we're all made of different stuff.  i whine about crap that would never bother others all the time.

last weekend, i finished the last stitch.  wove the ends in.  blocked the sweaters saturday night after the kids were asleep.  then sewed on the buttons sunday morning.  vintagey buttons i got on ebay, and both girls like.  and olive chose to have a cat button be her top button.

the olearia pattern is what i used.  

i am pretty in love with this pattern.  i want one.  i used some yarn that was a little thicker than the pattern asked for, but the same needles.  thus, i got me a chunkier sweater and i like it.  risky!  looks more country or something.  country/hippie/gypsy/magic.

the yarn i got at a local yarn store.   it's by mushishi.  the grey was left over from their dad's birthday vest, from last year.  the girls each picked out their own color.  there's a lot left over from zhi's, cuz i had to get two skeins.  that is about to be worked into a hat for david i'm thinking....that birthday is  coming up!

non attachment.  attachment.

all done.

she told me that's how you look pretty, hold your dress, or sweater, up like that.

i say, nah.  you look pretty just by being yourself.  

 mom stuff.

non attachment.  attachment.



(i had such contractions after putting this post up.  i sat with them for hours, and then took the below portion off.  wanting to make it easy.  to take all the pain of my writing away, so that others don't have to feel it.  i was thinking i need to just get on with my life.  get away from the pain.  stop sharing that part of me.  how hilarious given the subject matter.  those were some serious contractions.  they'll come again i'm sure.  for now they've chilled, and i put it back on.  ha!)

make an egg.  let it go.  make another.  let it go.  watch them grow.

attachment parenting is what most of us are trying for, right?  and then there's the spiritual lesson of non~attachment.  the paradox of doing all these things at the same time.  keep the heart connected, the bodies connected, while not clinging with our grip, both mental and physical.  it's not good to be a tight knitter.  loose and easy.  but not too loose.   i try to do non~attachment attachment parenting.  non~attachment attachment living.  focusing while staying open.  wide open optimally.  letting my fears and sadness be seen and felt while bravely staying open and with my process.

holy holy sacred life.

how outrageous is all this experience of living on this planet?  how absurd intense and outrageous?

what is a girl to do?  what is a mama to do?  what are we all to do?   hold on while letting go.

and contract sometimes.  so that i will open.  don't diss the contractions. there ain't no other way.  people talk up expansion in such a huge way, it almost makes me mad.  cuz you can't expand without contracting first.  and i've dissed contractions for so long, thinking the pain of life means i am doing something wrong.  no!  it's the biology of life.  ain't no other way.  however, when someone encourages me stay open during the contractions, i try to listen.  resisting the contractions definitely makes it hurt more.  so yeah, i try to stay with myself, openness, and just groan through the pain...

aren't birthing metaphors the best?

these sweaters are just little representations of life.  life on the run.  life at home.  they were knit in waiting rooms, in spring, summer, fall, and winter, on airplanes, at home, at parks, at a shiva, on a bus to new york city, while playing checkers,  while watching movies with my kids, while kids are in swim class, at the trident on those days that i just don't want to look at a computer, in bed when i'm not quite sleepy yet, on date nights when i just need to be doing something with my hands cuz when i'm like that i'm just like that and david is cool with it mostly........  i did a little on one, then a little on the other.  that way they were finished at the same time.  

i am not attached to them.  i'm trying to see them as a painting.  something i made out of love and creativity, and now i'm done.  they are lovely to look at.  olive has been wearing hers a lot, of her own will.  and when i say i am not attached, it's partly in response to the big girl, who doesn't exactly go for this sweater every time it's time to get bundled.  i'm not saying anything to her.  which isn't really my style.  usually, i'd ask her to wear something i made her, trying to be cool with how i asked, but just reminding her of it.  she's too sly for that now.  i have to lay back.  and i see the sweater hanging in the hall and just love looking at it.  even if it's not on her.  this is what we have to get really good at, us people who make things.  making them.  and then letting them go.  non attachment.  and trying our hardest to enjoy the making.

i met with my best high school friend's mom yesterday.  david and olive and i went on a walk in our old hood, and just popped in, unannounced.  so old fashioned of us!  we visited, and when she asked how i was doing, 'i said, oh well, you know.'  and she laughed.  she does know.  she thinks it's funny kind-of, cuz she remembers very well how hard it is to be in the thick of being a mom.  the endless work, the business aspect of keeping home, the absurdly tricky challenge of raising children.  she really kind-of laughs at it all now.  and then says, 'it all passes.'  at that,  i cried.  i said, 'yeah, i know, but i don't want it to pass, and me look back on it feeling like i fucked up because i didn't enjoy it enough.'  she got serious looking, (not because i used the f word, heh) and said, 'well, i don't know if it's possible to enjoy it as much as you are thinking you should.'  and i was relieved.  can you believe it?  i was relieved to hear her say that it may not be possible to enjoy raising kids the way i am striving to.  maybe it is, but maybe it isn't.  that freaking relieved me.  like, 'oh!  so it really is this hard.  i am not doing anything wrong to be having this challenging of a time trying to figure out how to bliss out more frequently with all this.'  it's really. this. hard.  

but that said, i had a bliss session recently.  i don't know why, but i felt some lightness, some fun sweet lightness come over me, combined with some new music i discovered on the local radio station, bought immediately from itunes, a friday night, and i was kind-of blissing.  just for no reason.  i just felt some light.  i haven't felt that way in a long time.  so long it is sad, but hey.  that's life.  it gets sad sometimes.  

it's beautiful and harsh.  that's what another friend told me this week, and those words together feel pretty true and poignant to me right now.  

open.  open to the contractions so that i can open even more when they're done. so that i can keep growing and growing and growing.  i'm gonna birth the biggest cranium when i'm done with all this opening!  ha!!!  

hard work.  here's to the hardness of all this work!!    and to birthing metaphors!!