rippling

oh my.  sometimes i get myself in a circle.  of wondering.  and fear.   i am in it.  it is a circle that eventually radiates out, like i threw a rock in a pond.  it goes out and touches all the layers of me.  all 899 of them.  as it goes out, the fear seems to go away.  but at first!  it's so intense.  ouch.

i wonder why i blog.  sometimes it seems like i really don't know why, cuz as fun and sweet as it can be, it is hard too sometimes.  opening the blogging door is asking to be seen.  and i don't like to lie.  so i show a lot.  and maybe each time i show something new, i get into a circle of fear.  it is so uncomfortable.  and then, i notice, cuz this has happened before so many times, that as the circle gets bigger, i start to relax and then i get comfortable again for while, until i throw another rock in the pond.  i keep throwing them in there.  i just can't stop.  making.  ripples.  i get too uncomfortable otherwise.  why do i do this?  if i don't make ripples i feel i will die.  if i do make ripples, i get uncomfortable and have to breathe.  that's a little of what i know. or i think i know.   i'm not real sure of much when i'm in a small circle.  but i know it's about breathing when it's small.  so i'm just gonna breathe here now.



breathing.

and feeling the restriction of this fucking tight circle.

there are so many circles.

the moon.

the cervix.

the sun.

breathing.






flowers from the garden.  i thought it was going to freeze.

i think it did.

 pennies.

why is it a good idea to save your pennies?

it makes good cents.



fall nettles.  i've never cut fresh nettles in the fall.  maybe i was never paying attention.  no.  there was something different that happened with the patch in the lower garden spot this year.  there was a whole new fresh little bounty to harvest out there.  thank you stinging plant creature.  my forefinger stung so much sunday.  you got me.  i let you.  pride.  and truth.


someone put the fairy's horse in there with her, and promptly removed spiderman.  i don't know who.  but i understand.  i will put spiderman back in as soon as i find him.  mess.  mess with them.  mess with yourself.



 breathing .

thank goodness.  even if breathing is hard, thank goodness.  right?

steve jobs.  thank goodness.





music.  breathing music.  eating music.  drowning sometimes.

swim lessons.




circles within circles within circles on circles under circles.  dirty circles.  to become clean circles. to become dirty.  and then clean.

dirty.  dirty girl.


dirty nasty raunchy filthy poorgirl.

poorgirl needs some time.

some time.  some time.  some time.

right now.

the altar is everywhere.

i go to find it today.   i still cannot find it.  until i need to dust.

i dust with something sacred.  sacred to me.  but not you.  unless i explained why that cloth was so fucking sacred.   even then, it's just sacred to me.  as it should be.

then i ease myself by remembering the fire.  this could all burn tomorrow.  or tonight.  or in an hour.  so go.  go on.  go on in this moment, it's really all you really have.  be with it cuz it's here and it's real.  it's changing.







wash the sacred cloth.  continue to love it till you can't.  then freak out and burn it when it scares you so you can't take it anymore.  it's really sort-of just like a hair cut.  and those can be intense.   that's just a bit of what i know.  what i've known.  

thank goodness.  i've had time to practice.

love.