written thursday morning:


olive took this portrait of me yesterday.  i like it.  she was telling me to smile.  i told her to make me smile.  she did.  she is very good at that.  and all the rest too.


hanging out together while max is at school is a regular activity for us.  and we are often out here in the backyard patio space of the trident.  it is more and more like a little paradise as time goes by.  new cool features and details are attended to back there.  i love evolving spaces.  i want to spend some time evolving our home space.

but if i never get to that, whatever.  i will hopefully still be finding time to kiss like this.  she is a kisser.  mmmmmmmm.  kisssssssssssss.  we kiss sometimes for a solid minute.  because she wants to.  and i do too, of course.


i wrecked our car a little this morning.  i was rushing.  i was stupid and rushing and rushing and rushing and rushing and rushing makes people do stupid things.  i backed out of the driveway, while max's door was still open, and it caught the tree by the driveway.  it was that metal crunching sound that is never really a good sound.  i was still so caught up in my rushing, that i said a quick cuss word, and then told max to try and shut it so we could make the bus on time.  ha.  he tried to, sweet boy.  it wouldn't close.  not even a little bit.

david has already used his many resources as a business man and found me a good silver used door that matches the car, for the most part,  and it'll be fixed soon.  david was mad at me, but only for a minute.  then he just let it go.  and jokingly sent me a photo of a car like his with a big gashed up dent in the side.  i didn't know it was a joke at first.  but i figured, knowing him.  joking.  the theme of the month.  i want to name our next pet joker.

someone could have been hurt though.  i mean, i knew max was seated in the car.  i knew he was all the way in.  i told him to shut his door.  he was just moving slower than i realized.  i have to slow down.  humbled.  really humbled by this.  put in my place.  i got spanked.  sweet tree.  sweet boy.  crazy woman.  sweet sister up front.  the kids thought it was quite exciting actually.   they couldn't stop giggling.  makes me laugh now.

as we were visiting this camel yesterday, the day before i wrecked the door,  he lives near my mom, and she suggested we come pay him a visit cuz he's so cool, i was tapping into the pace of his life.  big animals often make me do that.  their deep eyes.  life is

so

much

slower


for them.

breathe.

this sweet animal made us all smile for a nice long time.   he's a baby.  bigger than the horse who is big, and still just a baby boy.  max came home and got out his giant bag of plastic animal figures which he has about 80 of,  got out the camel and one of the horses, and carried them around with him for the evening.  (and actually he's still carrying them around with him today, 2 days later.)  god.  everyone is so cool.  but me.

i know that's not really true.  but sometimes it feels like that.   the kids don't run around rushing me.  why do i do that to them?  to myself.   i mean, i know why.  but i need to question this.  the sound of crunching car metal isn't something i want to forget without stopping to understand its message.

oh.  this world.  it crossed my mind this morning that homeschooling families don't have to rush into a car every morning.  the moms don't have to be stupid and nuts and wreck the cars.  i am jealous.

i'm going to start waking up earlier, so we have some kush in our mornings.  and so i'll have to go to bed earlier.  boo hoo.

knock knock.

who's there?

boo.

boo hoo?

don't cry.  it's only a joke.

zhi likes that one lately.



oh.  i am so irritated.  often i am irritated.  i am going to see a homeopath in a bit to see if she can come up with a remedy for me that will help get me healing in a whole way.

dear pan and aphrodite.


i want some help.  


we are here!  we want to help.  tell us what you want help with.


i want help with finding balance.  and abundance.  a slower more satisfying pace, where i don't feel like i look back on my days only to realize i was just going through the motions.  a pace where i feel like i am here, and finding the altar so many times a day.  and more than that.  i really want to make an altar too.   to have a solid  sense of somewhere i can put stuff that's symbolizing the soul work i do.  i want to have a sense of myself that feels deep and knowing and does not cower or question itself just as a habit.  i want to be a little more like those animals.  strong.  slow.  knowing who i am and what i am here to do.  what am i here to do?  i feel like if i just knew that, i'd relax more and be more of myself.


ganesh.  he can help you with this.  that's the first message for you.  let's look into the question of what you are here to do.  okay?   you are here to evolve.  and evolving is work.  it doesn't have to be so hard though.  it's not going to be easy all the time, but it could be more enjoyable much of the time.  and it could certainly happen even more efficiently at a slower pace.  your personal evolution is so very unique to you of course.  your desire to bring humor into daily experience is so great.  it is helping you to release some rigidity.  helping you to have a more forgiving heart.  helping you to trust that you don't need to figure everything out in the ego.  we love you just the way you are.  and we love that you want to work on yourself, that you know in your soul that the way you are is not fixed.  let's talk about slowing down.  


okay.  but first, let me ask something.  if i wake up earlier, i will probably get less sleep. i just will.  will that be a bad choice?  


hmmmm.  no.  your body is such a strong guide for you.  if you begin to wake up earlier, your body will simply ask you go to sleep  at night when it's time. 




remind me why i have this insanely loud fast talking ego.  why?  why am i so willing to listen to it so often?  


it's just a measure of your fear.  in fear, ego talks loudest to protect you from whatever you are fearing. in love, heart is easy to hear.  the ego makes you have to consciously choose to bring the heart into play, which is a good good exercise.




honestly, i am sort-of hating that exercise.  it's so uncomfortable to breathe sometimes.  so much panic, so much fear can make simple breathing so intense.  why so much fear.


why so much fear?  why so much fear? mostly past trauma.  the homeopath you are going to see is going to help with this.  seeing the bigger picture at play is her specialty.   we are done now.  put a link to some song you like at the end of your post, and then be done with this one.  




thank you pan and aphrodite.  



this song/soundtrack is what me and the kids were listening to this afternoon.  it makes me cry everytime  almost.  i can't seem to play it loud enough.  such magic.  cry!!!