go away.

when i'm grumpy, that's what i say.  or what i want to say.  being a good role model sucks sometimes.

i have been so grumpy.  on and off.  hard times.

i'm drinking chamomile tea.  in the middle of the day.  i can't really do any caffeine anymore.  not even freaking yerba mate.  it all gives me the shakes.  the interesting thing is, i feel alert after this chamomile.  i feel irritated by the energy in the tea house today.  oh.  it's halloween energy.  i just want to be in retreat energy.  not this energy.  guess i need to get with it.  deep breath. ok.  not gonna resist all this weirdness.  weird weird weird weirdness.  i know the veils are thinner, and i swear i can feel my dad tickling me, making me lighten up and smile.  ok.  i get it.  thanks.  that does feel better.  freaking chamomile.  it's good.  but it's not earl grey.  i am changing.  getting more and more sensitive.  alcohol too.  i can hardly take it.  well.  what can i do?  but listen to the old bod.  well, some kinds of alcohol.  vodka and me can still be friends.  phew.


i got around to sewing up some qyoot pants today.  for miss zhi.  i've cleared out the summer clothes from their drawers and there's a little room for some more.  she actually likes them.  so much that she wouldn't let me hem them.  she wouldn't take them off.  that's a bullseye!  how lucky i feel.  while i was working on them, she was hanging out typing on the type writer.  one of the notes she wrote me said, 'look how lily looks so qyoot.'  one of the cats, was sitting in the golden chair.....lounging.  i used a pattern, a burda pajama pattern for these.  i didn't have enough of the red velvet, so the racing stripe entered.  that happens a lot to me.  i'm destined to make pants with the side stripe.  the velvet and the corduroy stripe were both thrifted.  the pockets are some fabric, echino, that my mom gave me a while ago...been using that lately here and there.  i elasticized the top of the pockets, and i'm glad i did.
they look qyoot.  so.  that was cool.  i'm not gonna make the nov. 1st deadline with the sweaters.  i keep choosing to do other stuff.  my choice.  i'm giving myself an extension.  to nov. 15th.  ha.

so.  i got a package from a rad girl in ireland.
  i can't even believe how lucky i got with my swap partner.  i'm in love.  first off, the music she sent me was like a miracle on a hard sad night as david and i processed some news we got about his dad's health. this music she sent, made by a friend of hers, was just so sweet and helpful to our wrecked hearts and minds.  it's like it helped us to take some breaths or something.  to relax our frames.  oy.  what a journey.  i don't know what to say.  but thanks.  thanks so much sadhbh, my new gaelic friend.  


but there was so much more......

like that sun catcher.  it's now hanging in a living room window.  zhi knew right where it wanted to go.

some delicious red currant jelly made by her parents from their land.  we had a fun time having on toast for a snack the other night.  such fun.
some tea, and those sweet strawberries.  i'm gonna drink that tea, and get shaky, and just go with the energy and dance.  that may be all that's happening.  i'm just at a crossroads with learning how to work with lots of energy.  in a new, more evolved, body based way.  i just can't be so mental anymore.


this card, that she made, makes me happy.   it means, good luck.  she sent 5 cards from her own card business to me.  i love them all so much.  and i love that they are in gaelic.


and it makes me nervous.....i sent her a horse shoe.  that's neat huh?  we really were so in synch with this process.  mary, you were tapped in when you paired us up!  but,  i'm nervous that she's not gonna get my package.  oh.  please get to her!!  i may have sent some things i wasn't supposed to.  oooooopsie.  we'll see.......if so, i will wax on and wax off again,  and feel lucky that i get to send her another round of love.  cuz that's what this is.

and she was just all around so thoughtful.

i love her.  and i love that i got to taste ireland.  and i will continue to for a while!



thanks so much new friend.





i spotted this tin at a thrift store yesterday.  it wasn't for sale!  how weird.  it said nfs on it.  it's too cool for school i guess.   it's funny, how i have such a relationship with that word, macaroni, now, because of this blog, and because of that girl below.  she kind-of named it.  i chose the word light.  she told me when she was 2 years old, it also wanted to be called macaroni, when i asked her to help me name it.  it was her favorite word.  i saw that tin, and i swear it made my heart flutter.  that word.

i've been playing along with another good blogging friend, courtney, this month, playing a umm, photo challenge thing.  is that what it's called?  a daily posting on flickr.  i chose this one below for today's theme of home.  home.  sometimes it's so divinely cozy.  i have lots of other photos on my flickr page too, but the ones that are labeled with a one word title are the ones for this little challenge.  i want to do another one.  it's been a way to sit and breathe for a moment or two every day, or every other day if have to do a make up cuz i skipped a day, and just have a simple quick artistic moment with some photos and one word.


but maybe this one below is better...



or this one?


i'm putting up three pictures of home today.  breakin the rules.

control freak

a swap package was just sent off to ireland.  woohoo.  i don't even know how late i was on the deadline.  we both decided, me and my swap partner, to be lax about it and i'm so glad.  cuz i had  a magic moment involving that coin up there, and the final moments of putting this little gift from colorado all together into its box.  these are just some peeks.  can't show anymore cuz i don't want to ruin the surprise for my new friend in ireland.







girls.  so curious!!

boys.    always with their freaking tongues hanging out.  they are so obvious!  girls are just innately cooler.  well, we like to act that way.   but this is why i love boys so much.  boy energy is in your face, sweet, and kind-of trustworthy.  except for all that sowing the seeds all over the place stuff.  but as far openness goes, aren't boys typically more open?  

maybe i don't know what i'm talking about.  generalizing is tricky.  expressing any opinion is tricky for me.  opinions can be so full of projections.  project (pro~ject).  or project (praw~ject).  it just dawned on me the other day that these two words are spelled the same way and i am wondering about how they might be related.  here's a stab:  when we project ourselves all over the world we know and see, it's like doing a project.  you might as well be making a quilt.  and hopefully be aware that you are making a quilt with your sweet psyche's grip on labeling everything it comes across in relation to yourself.  what a joke.

speaking of jokes.

what did one leaf say to the other?

david answered, 'leaf me alone.'

i said, 'how's it hangin?'

the answer in the joke book is, 'have a great fall!'

i have been reading jokes to the people at breakfast some mornings.  it's good fun.  at bed time.  at breakfast.  at lunch.  it would be cool to become the joke queen someday.  i haven't even ventured into dirty adult jokes, but i am getting ready to, i think.  

stepping back.  it's nice to step back and question my opinions.  free the grip of the mind.  i wish i had a key and i could just do this at will.  unlock the grip of the ego.  oh wouldn't it be lovely.  doing things like plunging the toilet, walking the neighborhood slowly, putting the dishes away slowly, giving packages to others, reading jokes, vacuuming under the bed, and other things i don't typically feel inclined to do, but i sometimes just sort-of force myself to do, are sort-of like keys to unlocking the grip.  it almost seems like if i am resisting doing something, like i really did not want to plunge that toilet yesterday, then that is often a sure sign that if i did it, i would come into closer contact with my SELF.  is that annoying or what?  it is so weird!  makes me shake my head with how much i don't understand the point of it all.  i did plunge the toilet.  and felt sort-of artemis like afterward.  

something about this whole predicament is really unsettling.  unsettling my desire for control.  that's maybe the point.  

open

this morn.  a day when both sisters are at school in the morning, and max and i have some time to do some work together.  he writes in his journal.  cuz i make him.  but he goes along with it just fine.  oh, i forgot to make him wear his glasses!  oops.  he is writing about going to work with his dad at the bakery this morning. we had about half an hour till david was ready for him.  we found a nice picnic table, that max asked so funnily, 'is this just a deserted table in the middle of nowhere?'  that cracked me up.  it was right downtown, just not near a playground, but sitting in this open space block park area, so i can see why he thought it was a little strange.  he wrote in his journal  'max and dad werk at the bakery.  max makes cookies.  me and dad werk on the laptops.  then me and dad make mor cookies.'


one of two sweaters i'm challenging myself to finish by november 1.  i feel like squealing with nervous excitement in response to a deadline like that.  it's the olearia sweater, that i learned about a while ago from tania.
i've been centimetering along all spring and summer, and now, i am inching.  i cast on one for big o and one for big z at the same time, so they'd be done at the same time, and not have any hassle that way with jealousy.  max is cool, he trusts he will get one next, and has no worries about it.  ha.  well, his will be a different pattern.  i'm thinking hoodie.  maybe something like this?  if anyone has a good suggestion for an awesome hoodie pattern, please tell!

how sweet is that happy face?

i took this one from outside.  looking in through the window.  i would have liked to stay and watch them together the whole time, but that would have made max feel like he was performing, which makes him act horrendously dorkish,  so i chose not to.  he has been counting the days till today, tuesday, when he gets to go help dad at werk in the morning.  this is something that i know has happened because of the work david and i have been doing in therapy.  we are opening our hearts, kind-of centimetering along, and choosing to do things that matter to the heart, not the mind.  this is such an opening for david.  not that he's an unfeeling guy.  not at all.  but this is taking a step back, taking things down a notch, speedwise, and putting the child's wishes first.  it feels good.  we had our second therapy session last week.  follow ups are really important for changing patterns.  i could feel us slipping out of the inspired place we'd been in the first two weeks after the first appointment.  the hearts were struggling to lead and the minds got so loud again.  refresh.  it's just the nature of being human with this giant brain or something.  we are not simply instinctual.  i sometimes wish we were.  but not really i guess.  being human brings with it so many fun possibilities.  we do get to be instinctual.  and so much more.  like we get to bake and knit.  and write and photograph. and talk and argue.  and laugh crazy loud laughs.  and cry softly.  or hugely.   and play house.  and make music.  and listen to music.  and worry about birth control.  that one is such a cluster for me these days.  i do envy those sweet wild animals who never think twice, or once!, about birth control.    still pondering what to do till we feel ready to do something permanent.  copper iud and me were not buds.  i took the pill when i was a young young woman.  i might try that again.  scary!  anyhoo.  being human!  learning how to do so many things with as much grace and forgiveness and heart as possible.  i am really inspired to not fear birth control.  i want to be able to tell my girls that something worked well for me, besides having babies and then daddy getting a vasectomy.  you know?

well.

the car is fixed.  thank you.  i've been getting up a little bit earlier.  it is helping.  i would like to get up even earlier.

and i need to get olive another pair of shoes, or two?  the child has a shoe fetish.  i  bring her to the thrift store, and that's all she wants.  more shoes.  she will stare at all the shoes and choose new shoes over toys everytime.  and STILL will feel that she does not have the right pair of shoes for her outfit in the morning.  it is maddening when we are trying to get out the door, and she is just sitting there pouting because she doesn't feel like any of her shoes are quite right.  today she finally got out the door, because i succumbed and allowed her to wear her high heeled red sparkly dorothy shoes to school.  i was saying no, cuz they're not good for running and climbing, and she has a new love of climbing the trees at school.  but what else could i do?  she wasn't gonna leave.  i guess it just wasn't a tree climbing kind of day.  i fully understand. i really do. the other day i went out to the car three times, only to go back to the house three times, to change my outfit.  it just wasn't feeling right.  i guess it's striking me as odd, though, for a four year old to be having issues like this.  culture.

unless we are hiking.  the child refused to wear any kind of shoes on our last hike.  look at that trail.  very rocky.  she never complained once.  she was so comfortable and actually psyched to be barefoot.  she led the pack and went the furthest.  david had to finally tell her it was time to turn around, cuz he feared he'd have to carry her back at some point.  but no.  she walked all over that mountain barefoot.  so funny her  shoe issues.

(rock photo by zhi)

her sister however, has gone off in another direction.  she will only wear sneakers.  she LOVES sneakers. wearing a dress these days, is an anomaly.  mastering the monkey bars is all that matters.  traction and strength is what zhi is about right now.   standing back and watching these kids grow and go through phases is so interesting.  letting go of control and judgement and fear about what it all means (like, for instance, i can fret about wondering if zhi is losing touch with her feminine strength and is that something i need to work on keeping alive within her?  should we be painting our nails more often?),  is so liberating and honestly feels like flying.  and i have done a bit of flying, in my dreams, so i know what i'm saying here.  usually in my dreams, i don't fly by will though.  the wind takes me and then i go with it.  rarely do i go with it without huge fright.  but i have.  zhi has many times.  she flies in her dreams regularly.


i had a dream the other night that some neighbor friends of ours came over to our house.  they knocked at the door.  bill had a wrench in his hand.  elizabeth was standing beside him.  they were both shivering.  they told us their heater broke and that bill just couldn't get it working again.   he was refusing to let anyone else fix it.  i'm not sure what they wanted from us, maybe just some company, or a place to warm up. or maybe some advice on how to fix it?  that was the extent of the dream, though.  they looked like that famous farming couple that stands together steadily with the pitchfork in hand.  just with a wrench and the shivers instead.

i told david the dream when i woke up, and we both thought it was the funniest thing, and laughed like crazy for a few minutes.  i'm not sure why.  morning mind space is open and maybe i told the dream just right, and it led to such good laughter.  thanks bill and elizabeth for that good laugh.

oh!  the fruitbats are my new favorite band.  i heard a song on the radio the other day, and actually called the radio station once it was over to ask what it was.  i haven't done that in my whole life.  i usually wait for them to say what they played, or i write down a note to remember to go online and check the playlist later.  the fruitbats.  i don't know where i've been.  but i'm glad i'm here now with their beautiful awkward lyrics and sounds.  this is the song that i heard on the radio.  i also love this one.

and this one.  it took me six listens before it dawned on me what those cool lyrics are talking about.  i can be so slow sometimes is is disturbing.   'when you love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouth full of blood.'  seriously.  one of the truest things i've ever heard.

and for fun, cuz i'm tooling around on you tube now and did an ani search.  this song reminded me of the work david and i are doing with max right now.  looking for the overlap.  searching for where both hearts, or all three, or all five overlap and feel each other.  love.  i've never listened to it and heard it in this way before.

alrighty then.

written thursday morning:


olive took this portrait of me yesterday.  i like it.  she was telling me to smile.  i told her to make me smile.  she did.  she is very good at that.  and all the rest too.


hanging out together while max is at school is a regular activity for us.  and we are often out here in the backyard patio space of the trident.  it is more and more like a little paradise as time goes by.  new cool features and details are attended to back there.  i love evolving spaces.  i want to spend some time evolving our home space.

but if i never get to that, whatever.  i will hopefully still be finding time to kiss like this.  she is a kisser.  mmmmmmmm.  kisssssssssssss.  we kiss sometimes for a solid minute.  because she wants to.  and i do too, of course.


i wrecked our car a little this morning.  i was rushing.  i was stupid and rushing and rushing and rushing and rushing and rushing makes people do stupid things.  i backed out of the driveway, while max's door was still open, and it caught the tree by the driveway.  it was that metal crunching sound that is never really a good sound.  i was still so caught up in my rushing, that i said a quick cuss word, and then told max to try and shut it so we could make the bus on time.  ha.  he tried to, sweet boy.  it wouldn't close.  not even a little bit.

david has already used his many resources as a business man and found me a good silver used door that matches the car, for the most part,  and it'll be fixed soon.  david was mad at me, but only for a minute.  then he just let it go.  and jokingly sent me a photo of a car like his with a big gashed up dent in the side.  i didn't know it was a joke at first.  but i figured, knowing him.  joking.  the theme of the month.  i want to name our next pet joker.

someone could have been hurt though.  i mean, i knew max was seated in the car.  i knew he was all the way in.  i told him to shut his door.  he was just moving slower than i realized.  i have to slow down.  humbled.  really humbled by this.  put in my place.  i got spanked.  sweet tree.  sweet boy.  crazy woman.  sweet sister up front.  the kids thought it was quite exciting actually.   they couldn't stop giggling.  makes me laugh now.

as we were visiting this camel yesterday, the day before i wrecked the door,  he lives near my mom, and she suggested we come pay him a visit cuz he's so cool, i was tapping into the pace of his life.  big animals often make me do that.  their deep eyes.  life is

so

much

slower


for them.

breathe.

this sweet animal made us all smile for a nice long time.   he's a baby.  bigger than the horse who is big, and still just a baby boy.  max came home and got out his giant bag of plastic animal figures which he has about 80 of,  got out the camel and one of the horses, and carried them around with him for the evening.  (and actually he's still carrying them around with him today, 2 days later.)  god.  everyone is so cool.  but me.

i know that's not really true.  but sometimes it feels like that.   the kids don't run around rushing me.  why do i do that to them?  to myself.   i mean, i know why.  but i need to question this.  the sound of crunching car metal isn't something i want to forget without stopping to understand its message.

oh.  this world.  it crossed my mind this morning that homeschooling families don't have to rush into a car every morning.  the moms don't have to be stupid and nuts and wreck the cars.  i am jealous.

i'm going to start waking up earlier, so we have some kush in our mornings.  and so i'll have to go to bed earlier.  boo hoo.

knock knock.

who's there?

boo.

boo hoo?

don't cry.  it's only a joke.

zhi likes that one lately.



oh.  i am so irritated.  often i am irritated.  i am going to see a homeopath in a bit to see if she can come up with a remedy for me that will help get me healing in a whole way.

dear pan and aphrodite.


i want some help.  


we are here!  we want to help.  tell us what you want help with.


i want help with finding balance.  and abundance.  a slower more satisfying pace, where i don't feel like i look back on my days only to realize i was just going through the motions.  a pace where i feel like i am here, and finding the altar so many times a day.  and more than that.  i really want to make an altar too.   to have a solid  sense of somewhere i can put stuff that's symbolizing the soul work i do.  i want to have a sense of myself that feels deep and knowing and does not cower or question itself just as a habit.  i want to be a little more like those animals.  strong.  slow.  knowing who i am and what i am here to do.  what am i here to do?  i feel like if i just knew that, i'd relax more and be more of myself.


ganesh.  he can help you with this.  that's the first message for you.  let's look into the question of what you are here to do.  okay?   you are here to evolve.  and evolving is work.  it doesn't have to be so hard though.  it's not going to be easy all the time, but it could be more enjoyable much of the time.  and it could certainly happen even more efficiently at a slower pace.  your personal evolution is so very unique to you of course.  your desire to bring humor into daily experience is so great.  it is helping you to release some rigidity.  helping you to have a more forgiving heart.  helping you to trust that you don't need to figure everything out in the ego.  we love you just the way you are.  and we love that you want to work on yourself, that you know in your soul that the way you are is not fixed.  let's talk about slowing down.  


okay.  but first, let me ask something.  if i wake up earlier, i will probably get less sleep. i just will.  will that be a bad choice?  


hmmmm.  no.  your body is such a strong guide for you.  if you begin to wake up earlier, your body will simply ask you go to sleep  at night when it's time. 




remind me why i have this insanely loud fast talking ego.  why?  why am i so willing to listen to it so often?  


it's just a measure of your fear.  in fear, ego talks loudest to protect you from whatever you are fearing. in love, heart is easy to hear.  the ego makes you have to consciously choose to bring the heart into play, which is a good good exercise.




honestly, i am sort-of hating that exercise.  it's so uncomfortable to breathe sometimes.  so much panic, so much fear can make simple breathing so intense.  why so much fear.


why so much fear?  why so much fear? mostly past trauma.  the homeopath you are going to see is going to help with this.  seeing the bigger picture at play is her specialty.   we are done now.  put a link to some song you like at the end of your post, and then be done with this one.  




thank you pan and aphrodite.  



this song/soundtrack is what me and the kids were listening to this afternoon.  it makes me cry everytime  almost.  i can't seem to play it loud enough.  such magic.  cry!!!  

rippling

oh my.  sometimes i get myself in a circle.  of wondering.  and fear.   i am in it.  it is a circle that eventually radiates out, like i threw a rock in a pond.  it goes out and touches all the layers of me.  all 899 of them.  as it goes out, the fear seems to go away.  but at first!  it's so intense.  ouch.

i wonder why i blog.  sometimes it seems like i really don't know why, cuz as fun and sweet as it can be, it is hard too sometimes.  opening the blogging door is asking to be seen.  and i don't like to lie.  so i show a lot.  and maybe each time i show something new, i get into a circle of fear.  it is so uncomfortable.  and then, i notice, cuz this has happened before so many times, that as the circle gets bigger, i start to relax and then i get comfortable again for while, until i throw another rock in the pond.  i keep throwing them in there.  i just can't stop.  making.  ripples.  i get too uncomfortable otherwise.  why do i do this?  if i don't make ripples i feel i will die.  if i do make ripples, i get uncomfortable and have to breathe.  that's a little of what i know. or i think i know.   i'm not real sure of much when i'm in a small circle.  but i know it's about breathing when it's small.  so i'm just gonna breathe here now.



breathing.

and feeling the restriction of this fucking tight circle.

there are so many circles.

the moon.

the cervix.

the sun.

breathing.






flowers from the garden.  i thought it was going to freeze.

i think it did.

 pennies.

why is it a good idea to save your pennies?

it makes good cents.



fall nettles.  i've never cut fresh nettles in the fall.  maybe i was never paying attention.  no.  there was something different that happened with the patch in the lower garden spot this year.  there was a whole new fresh little bounty to harvest out there.  thank you stinging plant creature.  my forefinger stung so much sunday.  you got me.  i let you.  pride.  and truth.


someone put the fairy's horse in there with her, and promptly removed spiderman.  i don't know who.  but i understand.  i will put spiderman back in as soon as i find him.  mess.  mess with them.  mess with yourself.



 breathing .

thank goodness.  even if breathing is hard, thank goodness.  right?

steve jobs.  thank goodness.





music.  breathing music.  eating music.  drowning sometimes.

swim lessons.




circles within circles within circles on circles under circles.  dirty circles.  to become clean circles. to become dirty.  and then clean.

dirty.  dirty girl.


dirty nasty raunchy filthy poorgirl.

poorgirl needs some time.

some time.  some time.  some time.

right now.

the altar is everywhere.

i go to find it today.   i still cannot find it.  until i need to dust.

i dust with something sacred.  sacred to me.  but not you.  unless i explained why that cloth was so fucking sacred.   even then, it's just sacred to me.  as it should be.

then i ease myself by remembering the fire.  this could all burn tomorrow.  or tonight.  or in an hour.  so go.  go on.  go on in this moment, it's really all you really have.  be with it cuz it's here and it's real.  it's changing.







wash the sacred cloth.  continue to love it till you can't.  then freak out and burn it when it scares you so you can't take it anymore.  it's really sort-of just like a hair cut.  and those can be intense.   that's just a bit of what i know.  what i've known.  

thank goodness.  i've had time to practice.

love.

i mean, serious and silly together.

seriously.

i mention i want to be silly more, and guess who comes a knockin....

mrs. serious.

of course. she wants to play too. i guess. i'm not sure what she wants. seems like mostly lots of baths. and to cry quite a bit. we watched a sappy country music movie today, together....

i need to figure out how to laugh and cry at the same time better. cuz the second i lay out a goal to laugh more, that serious lady in me came rearing her head up like she was a locust on her 17th year cycle. she was not messing around.

i am so tweaky tonight.

but i will look up a few new jokes for us in one of the childrens' joke books we checked out from the library the other day, thanks to my october silly month challenge for myself. i will. i swear. i will try to add some light to my dark state. why? because it seems like i owe it to them. those people i love so much. that have to see me and feel my intensity. so hot. i owe it to myself too. to try. if we get one laugh out of the jokes that will be a win.

::::

an hour and a half later

the jokes were a hit. a few before bedtime books, we're reading halloweeny ghostly monstery books from the library too, and then a few jokes after the stories. falling asleep, to the sounds of laughter, instead of my cranky voice, is good. thank you pan. i really appreciate that. here are the favorites jokes of the night:

what size tshirt does a 2000 pound egg wear?

eggs-tra large.

harharhar

and, the one that got the loudest laughs:

why did the candle fall in love?

because it met it's perfect match.

amazing!! why didn't i think of that one?

but the one they adored the most:

what does a bird call its parents?

mother and feather.

(umm, hey anon, is that you guys or what? ha!)

so sweet.

thank you jokes.

i did finally start to like myself a little bit after dinner tonight.

this is what i did when i realized i was liking myself again, it was so exciting to feel that way:

self~portrait

well.

wednesday, we had a visit with isis, while mary was visiting with horus.

another neighbor came walking along and said he's lived here in hte hood for twenty years and had never seen a snake before. i was so surprised. we've seen dozens. i concluded he doesn't garden, or go outside. sweet snake lady, was pissssssssed at me for shooing her off the road with a stick. i kind of thought she was gonna strike at me. but no. the kids were funny in the car, all of them at some point hanging out the windows.



this was a large one i thought.

isis has her camouflaging thing going on as well.

her hiss was as intense as mine was today. maybe she was trying to tell me something. duh.

i made pesto out of our garden chard. chard is mainly what i grew this year. and a handful of cherry tomatoes. and a ton of herbs of course. but foodwise, just chard was happy this year. so weird. most of the squash i planted would fruit out, yes squash is a fruit, and then die. i need to learn why that happened. i have a couple little guys that lived on and grew, but just a few.

after last week's elderberry syrup making, with dried berries from a store, i got it in my head and heart to search out an old elderberry bush that i met 12 years ago or so, but that i hadn't been back to visit since. i called up my friend in hawaii, to ask her where that was where she used to give me alexander lessons. that's where the bush was, at that house where she did her alexander teacher training, where i went to be her student. free lessons for me! that was cool. side note, i then had another friend who when she was doing her pilates teacher training, i got to be her training student. such scores on the friends, huh? so, she told me, she remembered the exact cross streets. i went. i found these sweet berries so perfectly ripe. my heart was so excited. it was a love affair. i wrote the new owners of the house a note and asked if i could pick them. would they mind? they called me back that evening, and said i was welcome and to have fun. i was so grateful for nice people when i heard the yes. i will share a jar of cordial with them. it felt like that bush was calling me, the way i went out and searched it out and made it happen. i mean, i know i can be a doer, and a go getter when i'm inspired, or when i just have to, but this was different. i watched myself go along the path to track that elder girl down. thery cool, as olive says. i lady elder an offering of white sage, at the base of her trunk. it was raining when i went today to gather the berries. edgy and cold picking elders. perfecto. i am thinking i want to plant like 6 bushes and really go for it this fall with attempting to create an elderberry grove up here on this land. sounds like a plan. the blueberry bushes i planted in the spring died. maybe elders will be happier? we'll see.

this picture just gets me. those legs. dear deer. what am i gonna do?

welcome in mrs. serious and miss silly and see if they want to play together more. that's what i'm gonna try and do. cuz i think i'm learning, that if i forget to invite one to the happenings of my inner, and outer, worlds, while i actively seek the other, the left out one will show up and act like a big fat baby till she is seen and heard. oh man. makes sense. so much to learn, huh?