lovers rock

the value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy.... and intimacy creates understanding.... and understanding creates love.

the role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.

i disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world.  i refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women.  to enter ordinary relationships.  i want ecstasy.   i am a neurotic - in the sense that i live in my world.  i will not adjust myself to the world.  i am adjusted to myself.

~~~~anais nin wrote all three of those above quotes

i drew the lovers card yesterday.  how weird.  or how perfect?  david and i have been fighting all morning.

what are the benefits to fighting?

• in the end, when the resolve happens, we are closer than we were before the fight.  
• stuff that was bottled, gets out and has room finally.
• hope returns once resolve has occurred
• a lot of tears get shed, which is a good thing
• deeper relaxation follows the making up
• if the fight really was in the interest of truth, both sides feel very heard, which is everything
• if you are fighting, you are not alone  (this can be argued both ways for sure)
• the clearing
• the clearing
• the clearing

oh my word.

i love that saying.



what are some things i love?

• listening to my deepest inner desires, and simply dreaming about them, if that's the closest i can get to them
• forgiving
• sometimes forgetting, but not always.  sometimes remembering is what is necessary to move forward into that new higher state of awareness.  you know, so you don't keep doing the same dumb ass thing over and over and over and over and over and over forever.
• how despair can turn upside down into hope with a little time, a lot of breaths, and putting one foot in front of the other
• the miracle of how i manage to put one foot in front of the other, most of the time, refusing to dwell in the place where i am stuck like a tar baby
• how did brer rabbit get unstuck from the tar baby?  with cleverness, finding a way to get himself pulled out of it, even by his nemesis.   here is a fun read on the tar baby, and more.  

random notes:

on the plane ride back from baltimore, a woman wearing a ton, a TON, of perfume sat next to me.  i stood up instantly and just stood there leaning forward into david's row.  so i could breathe.  david said something to her.  he said, ' i need to broach a sensitive subject with you.  the perfume you are wearing is very strong.  would you mind moving?'  the lady got so mad.  it was surprising how mad she got.  but she moved and cussed under her breath as she did.  it was awkward, but that awkward discomfort was so much preferred over having to breathe her perfume the whole flight home.  i was so grateful to david.  i could have spoken up myself, but he just did it for me.  guess who sat down next to me next?
the dreamiest kind of person.  a young music student, who wrote on music paper and drew those fancy S things at the beginning of the bars and wrote pretty music notes the whole time.  aaaaaah.  so nice.

if i could do anything right now, i'd go home and sew.  but i can't.  i have children in school to wait for.  and my husband has given me some space for a bit to come and write it out instead.  (another benefit to fighting.)

winter is really here.  yesterday, on december first, we arrived home after a snowy day out and about, made a fire, made tea for all of us, put the kids in front of a movie on the couch, and then i went and stood as close to the fire as i could, and did some yoga.  aaaaaaaaah.  very nice.  actually before i did all that, i went and stood by the space heater to get a little warmth so i could get myself moving enough to do all those other things.  our house heater broke.  our house heather broke too.  the parts for the heater will be in in a couple weeks.  when will the parts for heather be in?  sometimes it's cool to break.  we do things differently when something breaks.  we have to improvise.  it is an inconvenience, and it is refreshing.  i LOVE refreshing.

we are losing our second grandpa.  my dad died over 7 years ago.  being in this space with the dying is so god damn trying and intense and beautiful and i am fearing that it is beginning to happen faster than we want it to for him.  it is sometimes hard for others to know how to be around those who are losing a loved one. when i find myself in the space of a person who doesn't know how to be around the pain, i want to get far far away from them.  they take away from the depth of the pain, and make it trivial.  which hurts even more.  i had a run in with someone the other day who did this.  i hated his response to me saying that david's dad is sick.  i wanted to throw up at his stock reply, and then his statement that he had a meeting to be at, so he'd better get a move on.  he really did nothing wrong.  i might have done the same thing to someone years ago.  he hasn't lost a parent.  he has no idea.  no idea.  i had NO idea what this terrain was like before losing my dad.  i mean, obviously.  how could i have known?  it's unfathomable.  oddly, weirdly, similar to how unfathomable it is that having a little baby will turn your world as upside down as it does.  how unprepared are we all are for becoming parents, no matter how much we prepare?   birth and death rock us.  ROCK us.  there's kind of nothing to do but smile and cry and feel.  and choose your company carefully.  be with everyone's feelings, and cry when the tears offer themselves.  i really wish we could go and live with david's parents for the rest of his dad's time here.  i would do that.  i don't think it's realistic.  i wish it was.


TGIF.  actually, TFGIF.


i am not ready for a christmas tree.  i'm just not.  i want to wait till next weekend.  i saw one today at the retirement home we go to for swim class, this christmas tree that reminded me so much of my mawmaw's christmas trees.  it made me feel her.  how beautiful is that?  anything that makes me really feel her is beautiful.

what is this beautiful song that just came on in here?

who likes mustaches?  i am noticing them popping up like mushrooms these days.  i cannot imagine taking david seriously, EVER, if he had a mustache.  i would like him to try it out, just so i can laugh a lot.

my hair is so dirty.  my outfit sucks ass today.  it looks like something you would pull out from under the bed, cuz that's all you had time for.  that's what it is.

i am drinking white pu-erh tea.  detoxifying i was told.  great.

birth and death are mystifying.  as they should be.  right?  uuuuugh.  it's almost too much to think about.

again, TFGIF!!!!!

after reading this, i feel nervous that my words could be received in a shallow way.  words are never enough.  but what else am i going to type?  i want to erase the last sentence.   instead i just rewrote it.  i could rewrite it forever.