exposure

i totally freaked out last night after rereading that last post!  how hard is it to expose ourselves sometimes? it's crazy hard.  and i'm feeling some small part of it hurting so good, a very small part, so i'm gonna move with the feeling, not away from it, but dang is it hard.  i went and edited a bunch out of that last post, only to hear from my sister that what i took out was her favorite part.  the part about led zeppelin and zhi.  what the hell?  who are we?  what are we doing?  turn off my head and my ability to be embarrassed please!


whatever.  i'm just glad i have another chance, and hopefully many more, to embarrass the crap out of myself over and over.  yep.  i do hope so.

anyways.  trying to relax the ol' shoulders, the neck.

just had to save the cat.  she was hanging on the rail in our living room by her two front paws.  max had swatted her away from his computer and she fell like that.  so sad!  i caught her.  and then i made max check in with her and apologize.  all is better now.  he did a good apology.  good boy.


isn't it all just a blur in so many ways.




tis.

and tisn't.  but tis.

hi.

i am being a bad girl.

not going to elaborate on how cuz i'm done with embarrassing myself.  but it sure feels good to be bad.

max and i carried five buckets of water over to the duck pool this morning.  the hoses are all disconnected for the freezing nights, so it's a chore to carry that much water over.  but one of the ducks was so dirty, we just had to help him out.  it was a lovely chore.  i made max do it with me.  i have to make my kids do a lot of stuff.  that's just how it is here.  they do it though.  and i don't have to be as wicked and scary as i have in the past to get their asses up and being helpful.  wicked and scary.




alrighty then.

last day of november.  13 days left till i'm 35.  i'm trying to get myself all together so i feel so good about me on that day.  right.  no.  but i am doing things here and there to boost me up so i feel better about myself.  like clearing off my desk.  slowly doing that.  mailing my sister's package yesterday helped.  the post man was so nice.  why is it so much cheaper to mail books than clothing?  i almost lied, but then i didn't.  beeing honest everywhere.

having a birthday is such a huge assessment process now that i'm older.  kind-of sucks.  did we assess where we were and how successful we felt we were at 6 or 10 or 18 or even 30?  not like i do now.  get off my back pressure!  get off.  i'm going to hiss at you!  and spray vodka in your eyes.  get away.

it won't leave if i do that will it?  will it?  my shadow doesn't typically respond well to me beating her up.  she is mother strong and kicks my ass so much harder when i treat her poorly.  do i have to invite pressure into my loving arms?  cradle baby pressure?  little sweet baby.  so scared.  uuuugh.  that means i have to sit and feel more hard feelings.  fine.  for two minutes.  i'm going to do this.   cradle baby pressure.

bye.  love.  then i'm going to get back into being bad.