roots

the root of happiness.

what is it?

something about not resisting.  because resisting is the root of suffering.

i can be a good resister.  like i can win contests in this category.  no wonder i fall down into the pits of depression like i do.



but still, depression will come for me like a cycle, i predict, no matter how close to enlightenment i get.  HOWEVER!  the less i resist it, the lighter it is.  then i can mess around in the fodder it has to offer.  the  fruits of depression.  there are some.






this morning, max and i sat together at the table.  we chopped the tiniest apples up, from the sweet tough trees behind our house that the girls and i picked a while ago, which stored very nicely in the cellar up till now,  into pieces for some pies.  we, meaning, i,  listened to a pema chodron teaching on fearlessness while we knifed.  it was some kind of peaceful bliss.  max moved on after 20 minutes, and then came back and did some writing work as i continues on the chopping block.  right at the end of the 80 minute cd, he declared we were listening to some boring stuff, and can we please change it.  ha.  how'd he make it that long?  makes me laugh what i put my kids through sometimes. (like demanding they wear corduroy on a random day just cuz i say.  haha!)   i did change it.  we listened to some music from my magical swap partner.  and as it happens, she got her package from me.  yesterday.  what the heck happened there?  that's about a month in transit.  i was sure the box was confiscated cuz i sent some dried sage.  but no, yay!!!  maybe soon she'll post on it and you can see some of what i sent her way.  i'd just begun putting together her second box.  you almost got two there girl!





(shoot!  i just realized i forgot about making vinegar from the scraps!  poo. i threw them out for the birds.)

here's a good article that relays some of what i was listening to this morning.  if only i did a practice like this  daily.  hmmmmmmmm.

look how much turkey girl has grown.....so sweet.

cleared out the freezer of some old peas. the birds and the rats were very into them.

david yelled out the door this morning, to me in the chicken yard, 'where are olive's monkey socks?'  like it was a serious thing, but i could tell, he was aware at the same time, of the hilarity of this question, and it was a funny moment that stopped me, and made me laugh.  i knew where they were, like all good moms with virgo playing heavily.  olive was relieved.  it was not gonna do to have any other socks today.



you know, i've been in a state for a while now.  a reflective state.  at first it was depressing.  but then it became rich.  rich with light and weight and me and slowness.  a big part of this state, was about me not wanting to make anything.  i all of a sudden was completely averse to knitting.  to writing.  to putting any energy out.  i saw how much pressure i put on myself to put out.  why?  because often, putting out brings me joy.  i put pressure on myself to find the joy!  taking the pressure off, mostly i think, by slowing down and living without caffeine, which for me, is just ONE of my personal ways of resisting myself and my world, was cool.  it was sad too.  it's sad to not be able to meet my highest dreamiest expectations of myself.  but by stopping activities that had pressure infused into them, i started to feel myself in this way that has been pretty nice.  i'm not made of pure sadness.  no.  but i am tuned into a lot of sadness.  and then around the corner comes a child, or a funny husband, or a sister or friend on the phone, or a caring mom/grandma, or a friend to have tea with, or a fun friend who introduces me to a fun new photo app, or a good song on the radio, or another.  along come these butterflies of energetic change, and i feel happy.  it's the nature of the game, right?  my personal game anyways.  don't resist the sadness, and then miss butterfly is bound to appear sooner or later.

and those songs i searched to link to, led me to this hilarity.   had me crackin up out loud in the trident.  aftershocks even.  yikes.

well.  that was kind of nice. to sit here and mess around with myself and some words.

we are off to baltimore in a couple days.  maybe i'll check in from there.....

love.