scared sacred

mouse. do tell all your mouse stories. the world is dependent on sweet mouse. mouse 'takes care of life's details and walks in humility,' says the medicine cards book. mouse has woken me up to some details i had been tuning out. now that i'm tuning in, it feels much better. like, my closet is now sprinkled with lavender flowers along the back wall to deter moths that found a strip of old wool carpeting and proliferated like nobody would ever want in their closet. my fun shoe collection is in the process of being organized out of the heap it has been kept in for the past few years. i still have some shoes from high school. they are well~made shoes i guess. anyhoo.

here are some of the sweet zinnias zhi and i planted that aphrodite told me to tend to.

i got real mad at zhi on sunday. then on monday i got real real mad at max. i needed to be mad and not try and downplay it. zhi's manners have been horrific. that can't be downplayed. max's incessant questioning for movies and computer games, completely drives me batty. crazy bat~ty. david told me i was scary and to go away when he came home from work yesterday. i did. but i know i wasn't scary like i could have been. i wasn't scaring myself. which i have done before. so it wasn't that bad. i think we scare each other most of all. he and i. when he starts to go over the edge, at least what i perceive to be his edge, he seems scary to me. parenting is scary. yep. part of it is. it just is. living is scary. part of it. trying to play around here with not being so black and white. i don't want to take any weight away from the scary stuff, cuz it needs to be processed. but i also don't want to lose sight of that little light that is so not scary. that little light that is so so bright of course it casts a shadow. and of course the mouse in me sees the shadow and sometimes freaks out over it, obsesses over it, stares at it like it's the only thing that exists anymore. but, that little light, my kids inspire me to wake up and let the shadow have its dance, and go mine for more light until the end of time. i do inspire myself as well, but, being responsible for children takes it a more urgent, serious, selfless level. and giving myself a few hours the past couple of days to honor some darkness i entered into, was transformative. tapping in just at the edge for just a bit, without harming others, at least i don't think i did, feels like it helped me to resource into some richness i wasn't getting before. some deep dark earthy matter that will help my green to grow stronger and longer. or something like that. i do wish i didn't yell at max as much as i did yesterday. mama went off. as he saw that i was building steam, after the first 20 seconds of loud firm talking to him, he switches off his orcas, aka hearing aids. while looking into my eyes. ha. beautiful. good on ye boy. i wish instead of railing on him for asking me 5000 times to watch tv on a day that is not for tv, as we've declared some days in our home just as a way to keep us all safe from overwatching, i wish i'd just gone a little more internal maybe, and just hissed at him or something. not in a fully creepy way, but in a way that meant 88% 'don't mess with me child', and 12% ' i love you and i am trying not to yell at you but i am pissed that you won't let it go and leave me alone about this and i am trying to not take this 100% seriously at the same time so this is my best effort at staying playful while feeling raging fucking pissed!' hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

so there is my intention for next time. snake lady! i will be snake lady. i invoke the sweet serious snake. at the same time as the sweet mouse. how they play it all out, i'm not sure how that works internally. weird confusing~ness is how it often feels to identify with prey and predator at the same exact time. there's a mind~blowing effect too that is really good for me. having my mind blown out, takes me out of the i~have~to~figure~everything~out~and understand~every~single~happening mindset and leaves me in an open and curious state which i know is very very good for me. that rubber band is tight though, and i get flung back into the spinning of trying to understand what i cannot, pretty quickly. silly pattern that must serve some purpose, but in the interest of having a blown open mind, i will move along.

my intention for how to meet zhi, next time she lashes out with a statement like, 'you're a fuckin,' (yes she just says 'fuckin' like a noun) after i tell her that it's time to do something she doesn't want to do, is to go into the area around my heart, breathe, keep breathing, let my heart speak to how that felt to be talked to like that, and then maybe do a handstand. i could benefit from more handstands. i have no idea what will come of that, it's just what came to mind, but getting mad as all hell and giving her the silent treatment for 2 hours didn't feel good at all. not that my goal is to feel good in all horrible situations, it's just to improve. right? for sure. that's simple. it's surely not to do worse. just do better. do better snake lady mouse lady butterfly buffalo lady. spider lady.

go listen to this song, by reed foehl, now. you have to click on the play button triangle. or if that link doesn't work for you, just go get the song on itunes for 99 cents. you will not regret it. we went and saw him sunday night with the kids, a random late evening live music outing up in gold hill. reed's brother, stewart, was supposed to be opening for him, which is what motivated us to go, cuz stewart is an old friend and he doesn't live in town anymore. but irene kept him home bound on the east coast. so we rediscovered how amazing stewart's brother is, and man was that healing. i stopped my silent treatment to zhi after his soulful self sang to us. is that song, beautiful life, that i just insisted you to listen to, beautiful or what? makes me cry and feel sad and happy and crazy all at the same time. there are so many ways to interpret it you know? always so many.

here's another sweet song/video of reed.

and here is another local group, elephant revival, that i hadn't seen or heard or payed attention to, till a blogging friend in the northwest somewhere, of a blogging friend in northern cal posted about them and brought me full circle back to music in my own area. geez. i am so happy to have their music to brighten my days now. the girls and i listened to them sunday before going to hear reed and even though there was some darkness coming down, there was some good music to help us through. those elephant people are magic.

ok. stuff to do. details to attend to. time to be mouse for a bit. butterfly snakey foxy blog time has come to an end.

love.