dear ones

an email i wrote to a friend this morning:

thanks. i called this morning only to assume after listening to their message that they don't take mice. and cuz the humane society said they didn't think they would. i started to feel crazy having to care for 6 tiny mice, their mother being chased in the house by our cats. while i'm thinking, if they don't catch her, we'll have to set a trap, and the live ones never work fast enough. it could take weeks with them. we're gonna have to kill her. me having to upturn our root cellar to clear it of her mouse droppings, instead of spending quality time with max, while i had him one on one. so i fed the baby mice to the chickens. minutes later david calls me and tells me greenwood will take them, that they just yesterday released 4 back into the wild.

i am crying over and over. how hard is that? well, for me it was really hard. and i'm thinking i would do it differently for sure if i could go back. and i want to be a vegetarian forever now, but do you think i can keep up enough energy?

thanks.

she wrote me back an email that made me cry more. in a good way. and she said yes, she has enough energy as a vegetarian. thanks.

f. i am so spun out by what has happened with these mice who our cats brought to us, still with their eyes closed, that i don't feel like i can even write about it anymore. but i want to i guess. sometimes life on earth seems to be the most tragic experience over and over and over.

they eat them. and they eat them. and on down the line.

eat or be eaten.

watch out for hantavirus. i went through something similar a few years ago with black widows in the house. we were a little bit infested. i had to kill. i did not have to kill the mice today, but i chose to, because i couldn't find anyone who would take them and care for them, as far as i could tell. and because i am overwhelmed already. at first it was just one mouse for a few hours, till they brought the rest of them to us, and i was up for nursing one baby mouse. but then i freaked with six. and you just can't have mice running around your house. we killed about 16 or so right when we moved into this house. set some traps and caught that many in one night. it sucked. that was before we had cats. one of our cats caught a hummingbird this summer. we eat meat. but i have never thought so hard about it. and at the same time as saying that, i feel sure i will enjoy turkey bacon again. am i on the wrong planet? where is the warphole to the faeries, that eat only honey and flower petals? i embodied as a human and i'm not feeling cut out for it. i love all things baby. nursing those mice through a dropper yesterday and even this morning was so sweet. how could i turn and just feed them to vultures like i did? well, the state of the root cellar and the shoe closet is a big part of it. and the fear of the goddamn hantavirus which is rare as hell but deadly as hell too. and then the fear of anything else taking me away from my children. namely more cleaning.

after doing that, choosing to the kill them, which i chose against yesterday when we brought them to the humane society, we brought them there because the lady on the phone said 'YES! we take them and raise them and adopt them out, even if they are wild,' but then, once there with them in a box, someone else said, 'NO. we do not take mice that little. we will euthanize them if you leave them here,' i go and search for native american mice references. i read this one first. judging myself and my decision about as hard as i could. i called a friend, and she said, the main challenge for you is gonna be to not make yourself out as evil. yeah. what the ???? that was just rough. downright.

i get really triggered with vulnerable babies. i think from my own experience as a vulnerable baby, and then my first child's. the second i saw the first baby, the very second, my sister called. i answered it, not even saying hi, but beginning to panic and then because i knew she was there for me, i started crying pretty hard. just the sight of that little thing. all alone and so in need. she was so great talking me through what to do. but then there were six. and then and then and then. i fed them to the chickens. emdr please. i called my emdr therapist actually just an hour ago. i am taking this so freaking hard, part of me is anyways. the part that made that decision to give them back to the nature out the backdoor, which ii know a lot of folks see having chickens and cats as a good way to keep the rodent population down, that part of me feels okay, feels logical and smart and like she put her family first, which is her job. but what about the whole family on earth. all of us together. eating one another. on down the line. oh my god. how do we do this, as conscious feeling beings? i am tripping. just let me trip. how do we do this? consciously. i guess that's how. ideally. and then things change, and i wish i could do it differently, and yet still consciously. but that's not how it happened...

to the 6 baby mice:

hello sweet ones. i loved you. i fed you baby puppy milk, through a dropper, from the pet store and you were all so into it. then we had a friend who reminded me of the serious threat of germs some mice carry and i got really scared. i am a mommy. i tried so hard to take care of you. i fed you at midnight last night. then at 6 am. i thought about you all the whole time in between. and of my own children and the threat of that horrible virus. not able to sleep at all. then when i did drift a bit, i had visions of mice in cages and chickens in cages. and me in the middle. it wasn't until after i decided that i could not raise you all, and i totally put your vulnerable selves out on the ground for the chickens, that i recalled the dream. maybe it was all already written out. uuuuugh. i don't like that thought. i don't like any of this. you all were so sweet and precious and your mom wrecked our cellar. however i am not mad. i am grateful to have a serious reason to clean it out. it was getting too full and of course a mouse would want to go in there. we love rodents now so much in this house. the hardest part may be having to tell the children what happened to you. well, max was there and he seems to blame the chickens, not me, which is weird. we named you all despereaux. i can't really believe that i did this to you. i just turned, and decided it was not smart to keep you in our house. you all probably think humans are the strangest creatures. i fed you and loved you and said sweet things to you, and then i fed you to my chickens. that is fucking weird. they ate you up real fast. i heard you squeal, though. i cried for you and i'm so so sorry that i couldn't do better. really really so sorry and i am crying more tears for you now as write this. i hope you are okay now. moving along in your existences as sweethearts. i hope you can forgive me. i feel i did my best, given my circumstances. i am glad you did not all die slowly in the closet and that the cats brought you to us. i hope my part in your lives was righteous. your part in mine, in our family's, was certainly righteous.