i enjoy decaf americanos. and sometimes these days, i enjoy caffeine again too. but what's different for now, is that i don't feel like i am missing out if i have decaf. that is really different. i can really enjoy some decaf drinks!! making progress.
striving to keep it so so simple for these little munchkins.
look how much they like simple. ha. literally they are nuts online there in that photo.
time at a friend's house yesterday made me so inspired to come home and spiff our house a little. not that hers made me feel like mine sucks, but it inspired me. i love that about going to friends' homes that i haven't been to in a while.
can i come to yours next?
it is hard to think of my own home as being inspiring to others, though. too often, i just see it as a pit. i can take good photos of it here and there, but overall, it overwhelms. want to reframe that.
my house is my house. it is full of all aspects of myself and my children and my husband and quite a few pets. all aspects. perfectionism, and chaos. creativity and banality. books, and mud. musical instruments, and dust. a shower that was just cleaned and windows that are a joke at how dirty they are. window cleaning party happening soon.
well. i have been worrying about my boy a lot the past few days. parenting a disabled child is very different from parenting a non-disabled child... however, it is not the only cause for worry, cuz after focusing on max for a while, i then start worrying about my biggest girl. oh her shyness. then olive flips out and acts like the most entitled prima donna ever, and i worry about her. then i start in on myself. will i ever find balance? and then david. is insomnia just his karma? and then my sister. can she please feel and find more support? and then my friends. is she gonna find her dream? is she gonna relax into more honesty? is she gonna ever keep a plan? it's a train. a train of worry that i seem to catch regularly. oh, is it 11am? it's time for the worry train. i think it goes something like that. i have an annual pass to this train. i commute daily from peaceville to worryville. it's my job.
i want to quit my job.
i'm quitting. or could i just get fired? that would be cooler. how could i get myself fired?
i'm stumped. so i guess i'm gonna have to quit.
it's such an unconscious thing i do. getting on that train. and before i wake up and realize i'm on my way, the train is going at top speed and i can't get off. i look around, and everyone seems to be scared shitless. we hate this train. but we keep getting on in our sleep. it is so damn tricky to catch myself in the split second that i step on the train. if i could, i would turn around. i know i would.
don't worry. i just read this post from almost two years ago... don't worry.
i want to embroider that on a pillow too.
anyhoo.
i had a weird dream last night. i somehow lost hold of my cell phone. i was standing near a huge dumpster full of fermenting compost. the phone dropped into it. i looked around wondering who might be able to help me. i was NOT wanting to step into that dumpster. i don't even know where i was. then, out of the blue, my second stepdad appears. this man who i've held a grudge against for some years now. 6 i guess. he made me mad six years ago and i've taken all this time and space away from him in the name of anger mostly. he just jumped right into that dumpster and grabbed my phone so easily, wiped it clean and handed it to me. woah! thank you michael. that was very cool of you.
forgiveness is in the air. a friend recently suggested we start a forgiveness group. i am not in my old women's group anymore. i am needing and wanting to find forgiveness in my heart for the women in that group who i am stuck in some place of anger with right now. i wanted new members to join the group. they did not. i brought it up twice. two different women. over a span of six months or so. each time the idea was rejected. and it was complicated. but also simple. they said no. so in the end, i said i'm leaving if you're seriously not going to reconsider and invite these other women into the group. they said 'ok. it's been nice having you, we hope you go on to find what you're looking for!' and now i'm pissed! i don't want to be pissed. i want to be empathizing and have no qualm. i had a lot to lose. being in a womens' group is not something that you have an opportunity to do very often. i started that one, and i could probably start another, but that's a lot of work and i'm not ready. i have been invited to another just last week. but the chemist in me wonders if it's the right formula. i just want to forgive. i have therapy tomorrow. phew. gonna go straight to work on worry and forgiveness.
i wish i could start a womens' group with some of my blogging womyn friends. how dreamy does that sound folks? can you all move to colorado? we'll meet once a month. in the middle somewhere.
okey dokey. i need a worry mantra and a forgiveness mantra. stat!
those are the bee quiliting squares i won on ebay! maybe the bees can help me with these emotional/spiritual hang ups i'm having. i am loving the bees so much this winter.
A forgiveness group would be so great. I wish I could join!
ReplyDeleteI have enjoyed reading your thoughts today. Thanks for sharing them!
P.S. I can really feel your struggles with your son. We have some as well with our spirited son. He gives us grey hairs.
Your daughters are precious.
My house is a pit compared to everyone else. I try so hard to keep it organised but it is such a teensy little place so it gets cluttered quickly.
Sweet Heather. I wish we could have a women's group too!!!! That would be so cool. I wish you could put yourself in a loving bubble of light. Now, I get more of what you've been going through. Life is so hard. I wish I could be fired sometimes too.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to get outside today and breathe. Amelia was sick so I took the boys. Eli cried the whole way there. "I don't want to go for a walk!!!!" We got there. He held my hand tight and walked then took off running, having fun. Geez. Then I had a talk with him about trusting me when I tell him we're going somewhere he will like. Then he fell and scraped his hands and cried for almost a 1/2 hour.
This life. So tricky. So insane at times.
Each of my kids need something. I feel like I work really hard to get one of them help. The others suffer. Then I have to find a better balance. I think that's what's going on with Eli. He's screaming for my attention.
Love you girl!
Well that was great Karma, winning the bee squares! Worrying. it's pretty obsessive isn't it, at least in my experience. It's when we realise that we have no business worrying over that situation - that the worrying magically ceases (for a bit anyway). For me, the epiphany comes when i'm worrying and walking and at my most peaceful state (besides the worry) Sometimes i wonder if my worrying stems from a need to control my life; in fact i'm pretty sure it is. i used to think i might just be bored - but then nah...it happens even when i'm busy. When i was finally able to forgive my mother - i was able to be friends with her again. Now i will protect her to the end of the earth - whereas before she was my foe! Forgiveness is immensely powerful. i had to consciously be angry, write it down, empathise with why she is that way, and only then after burning up the letter...did i finally feel able to say "that's okay mum, I'm not angry anymore, i forgive you" even writing that again feels so good. I really enjoy your writing Heather. x
ReplyDeletethese comments are awesome.
ReplyDeletei love them.
thanks for relating, hannah. the challenging kids, which are really of them, but the extra challenging ones, are so hard. so hard. so hard. our house it tiny too, can you tell? less than 1200. i bet yours is smaller though, and now i look like i've got a mansion....
kyndale. so hard. so hard. so hard. that's what i got out of therapy today. i just need to accept on a deeper level how hard it can be, so i can just relax with the fact more. well, that's part of it. also she said to focus on what we are doing right as parents. that it will help us a lot. and yeah, they are screaming for our attention, and we have limited juice. but we do our best. !!!!!!!!!!!!!
teeny. thanks! i love being reminded that i actually have no business worrying. deep exhale. and i am a control freak in reform. trying anyways. obviously not done yet with the reform. i love hearing about your mom. thanks. i want to do that with all these people i am stuck with. i can't wait to feel that. if i keep wanting it , it will happen. it can't not cuz i'm moving forward right towards it. love...
well.
ReplyDeletefirst. just for the record, i am inspired by your house.
every single place you look, EVERY SINGLE SQUARE INCH, is this beautiful piece of art in progress. there are super heroes in plants. and vests on rats. and blanket tents. and instruments and fabric. and dust and dishes and the things of life that happen. but they are all this kind of wabi sabi art form at your place. at my place, it looks like crap when there is dust and at your place it looks like art. why, you ask? because your energy is in the space. i feel your house is very sacred and i am not just bullshitting you. i am inspired by your space. and your style. and REALLY REALLY your capacity to let things emerge and not have to tidy everything. i learn a lot from you.
don't you wish we could see ourselves the way others see us? that we could see where our pain and wisdom intersect and we could relax into ourselves?
ok, as for the worry train. you know, sister, i am right there with you. this is how i think you get fired from being the conductor of that fucked up job: stop taking it too seriously. when you are worrying, just let yourself worry in a kind of flip "fuck it" sort of way. like, "yeah, yeah, yeah. i am worrying. blah, blah, blah." do your job of worrying like an asshole employee who doesn't give a shit. be a little rebellious. like "ok, i will worry since it is my job and i gotta make a living here, but i am not going to do a good job of worrying anymore. i am gonna be a fuck up worrier. and every time my boss turns her back, i am gonna take every short cut i can". this is what comes to me. because i think if you start to do a bad job of worrying, your ass is gonna get fired from that job. you are gonna be out of work! because no one wants a half-assed worrier around. worriers who want employment need to be very committed.
now, about your young ones. i know. i know mr. m man just rocks your world. he is a force of nature. there is no possibility you could have easy kids. you like growing too much. you like the edges. and m is right there with you. he is awesome. i know he is a pain too and i know he is tender and vulnerable and awful and brilliant and intense and magical. he is everything and that is a whole lot to parent. i feel sorry for the hard times because i love you and i want you to always be happy every day forever. but i never ever ever feel sorry for you having to go through what you go through with max because you do it so perfectly all the time and i watch you growing each other up.
you. rule. so. righteously. all. the. time. even. when. you. feel. like. you. suck.
yo miss anon. i am in love with your comment. i told you this already, but it's so good i have to write it down too. you made me permasmile for a minute and then you made me cry. i am so grateful for your insights and your gift of sharing them the way you do. and for making me feel like my house is not just a piggy home. and i am totally pissing off the worry train dudes. i gave one the finger just this morning! you are so good. buttshit head.
ReplyDeleteHi Heather,
ReplyDeleteI love the bits of your house I can see in your pictures. I love the stones and the wood and the warmth.
Here's a quote from a friends facebook. She has 5 kids, the 4 oldest are quadruplets, some with issues:
"Best misuse of word ever: a friend of Samuel's first grade class saw Alex (whom many of you know is legally blind and suffers from brain damage) walking with his white cane. This child had just had a discussion with his mom about children with disabilities. He looked at Alex and said, "that's my friend Sam's brother. He's a kid with possibilities!" Truer words were never spoken"
I want to join your forgiveness group too. I have barely spoken with my father for about 5 years, and he hasn't seen me or my kids in all that time.
Sending you love. I escape from constant worry with reading, as you might imagine. My 2011 book roundup is on the blog.
andrea. thanks! i know. i totally feel wrong saying he has disabilities. thanks for sharing that. there's is nothing more true. nothing. i am loving how many of us are resonating with the desire to forgive. it is beautiful. and i am really really looking forward to your year end book round up!!!!
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