straight

i got my hair cut a little. and blown straight. it is so fun to have straight hair for a few days. david thinks it's boring, and asks me what happened to my hair. ha. max looked at me, and then asked me why my hair was down. i guess it is pretty rare for it to be down. zhi and olive have been with me to get this done both times i've gone recently for a hair cut, so they see it happen. the magic straightening process. they won't talk to anyone in the hair salon. they act like mutes.

today, while max and olive and i were eating lunch at one of our favorite sandwhich spots, this grandma woman was pestering max. i swear. she wouldn't leave him alone. he was pretty clear in his language, both verbal and body, that he didn't want to talk. he downright told her, 'i don't feel like talking.' but, she wouldn't stop. so he then moved over another seat at the bar, to be further away from her. i couldn't believe her inability to listen to him. i spoke up for him too, saying 'he is wanting to be quiet right now', thinking she would listen to me. adult to adult, you know? after she still, STILL, wouldn't let up, he tells her he is not allowed to talk to strangers. he was trying to be polite, and give her a good reason to shut up. ha!!!! i was loving him so much in those moments today. really admiring him. his sensitivity to her feelings, and his knowing of and respect for himself and his desire to get away from her. you rock son. i love how you think. i know you act like a royal pain at home a lot of the time, but when i see you interact with the world like that, i breathe easier and smile and feel waves of relief at how you know yourself, and how to speak up for yourself. you know how to take care of yourself.

the therapy session david and i had, to talk solely about this boy and our struggles around parenting him lately, was divine. we were both brought to tears. our minds exploded, at the realization of how closed they'd been in regards to this child. this culture can really get us people stuck in the mud in terms of thinking the direction the mainstream is going is the best, most important, and pretty much the ONLY direction worth going in. not that we are thinking he can't partake in mainstream culture now, we just got our heads out of our butts in regards to thinking his behavior, which can be so out there and triggering, is nothing but unacceptable. it turns out, and i had been feeling this for a while now without knowing how to explain it, our responses to his behaviors were unacceptable. we have been encouraged to focus on building him up emotionally for now. while he does the work of 'claiming his world.' we can still set boundaries, blah blah blah, but instead of feeling disappointed when we see where he's at in comparison to other kids his age, or whatever, we are to cheer him on like he's doing everything so so SO well. yay! how fun does that sound? talk about trust. so much to trust here. him especially. but the therapist that gave us this advice. i do trust her. and myself. my inner guidance. it can feel that this is good goodness, rich divine advice. maybe sharing examples of how we do this in the coming weeks as we re~pattern, would be helpful in explaining what i mean here, cuz i feel i am not articulating it all very well.

he's been wearing his glasses really well so far the rest of this week. he gets a reward for doing so now! rewards for this child are key. rewards for me are key too. key. the right key. what kind of reward do i deserve today?

hmmmmmmmmmm. i want some time at home to blast out some lynyrd skynyrd and feel really really free. that's all. yep.

these keva blocks make my kids happy frequently on saturday and sunday mornings. it's so cool. we had to get into the second bag last weekend. for the first time, they all three used so many, they needed more. luckily i planned ahead when i bought them, and had another bag in the closet.....

i love closets.

zhi's tower:

happy weekending.

lion king 3d anyone? that's what max is looking forward to.

freaking freaker

so. you know i just have to sit and write when i'm seething. it helps me. it also makes me one of the world's least popular bloggers. but whatever.

i wish all i had to do as a parent was just scream my guts out when my kids don't listen, and that would take care of all issues involving defiance, disrespect, disobedience, and overall general resistance to my authority. if i could just scream at the little disobeyers and they would actually then start obeying, it would satisfy my love of screaming, and get them in line. two birds one stone. that is a gross saying! it would be so great. but you know, i've tried it, many times, and it rarely rarely works. it typically just makes things way worse. for me, it makes me feel like an idiot and a scary mom, and for them, it scares them and makes them forget about what the issue at hand is, so we just end up going backwards anyways. it's the worst experience, yeah?

time.

so today time is what i need. i didn't know how to handle max's defiance to my command to wear his fucking reading glasses at school. i'd been letting him off the hook the past few weeks, and then today, we had his last vision therapy appointment. for the time being anyways. he could use more, but we can't pay for that and his new school really, and we're hoping he's in a place now with more control over his eyes, where he'll be fine and not suffer or get too tired from doing school work. he totally agreed, to the deal i made with him, that i won't make him go to vision therapy anymore, if he'll start wearing his glasses at school. then. we get to school. he acts like we never had that talk. he throws a 9 year old temper tantrum, which i swear is 100 times worse than a two year old tantrum. i resort to threats. i won't buy him that new book he's wanting, if he won't go along with the deal. i'll make him go back to therapy. blahblahblah. he tells me he hates me and that i'm an idiot. he says, 'mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, you're so pushy.' i leave him, screaming that at me out the door. and now i am therapizing myself and making a plan for how i'm going to get the little boy to wear his glasses. he says he thinks the kids at his school will think he's dorky with glasses on. ugh.

i feel for him. he has so much to deal with, so much to think about in terms of measuring up to other kids. i hate it. but in the long run, if i don't push him to work at stuff like reading and writing, he's gonna be way dorkier than he can even imagine, you know? david and i have a real therapy appointment tomorrow with our tried and true couples therapist, to help us get on the same page with parenting max.

i'm feeling so much compassion for max. being pushed into doing something you don't want to is about one of the worst feelings ever. and as his mom, with 25 years on the child, i feel i have some foresight about the benefits of what i'm pushing him to do. david and i just talked on the phone after i drove away from max's school. i cried. we want to help him see how not dorky glasses are. but come on. could my parents have ever convinced me that something wasn't dorky that i'd decided was? no. only time could do that. but they probably could have helped just by loving me and trying. i would have liked that.

once, my dad got me a scooter for christmas. a moped. when i saw that it was yellow, i cringed. and said i didn't want it. yellow wasn't cool. i was 11. my dad went off. you know, the whole spiel about being ungrateful and spoiled and bratty. he was right. but i hated him for not understanding where i was coming from and honoring that enough to keep me from feeling hate for him. somehow i got over it. i ended up riding that moped all over that little suburban child's utopia for scooters world, and having some of the most fun times of my childhood on yellow dorkmobile. max's reading glasses and my yellow scooter are nothing alike really. i'm just relating to how my dad shamed me for not appreciating his point of view. i think he must have come around in his cool way, and teased me a little into just giving the moped a try once i'd started giving him the silent treatment. he knew how to soften up and get me to open back up pretty well. but i am hoping to skip the whole shaming and screaming part. i know it doesn't work. but it's so hard when i don't exactly know what does work. the story of our lives, the question of our lives: what will work? it is helpful to know what won't work though. i know screaming won't work. i know shaming won't. i know force won't. i know negative reinforcement won't. i'm just so sick of positive reinforcement charts. marble jars. prizes. for doing something i feel he should be doing just cuz i say. it's just not in his nature to go along with the program if he doesn't like it. he is not a follower. he is a leader. i've always known this. but as a child, he has to be a follower in some regard. right? he just has to. and i have to step into the shoes of leader, no matter how uncomfortable to me, and lead sometimes. a lot of the time. what kind of shoes are they anyways? hmmmmmmm. today, they are tall, for sure. sassy. so that i keep my sense of humor about me, which i feel is essential in a good leader. they are bouncy. they are danskos! ok. will put on my danskos when i get home and we will talk. i'm staying true to my word, on him not getting that book he wants till he earns it with keeping his part of the deal. he's gong to be so pissed that i'm not caving. i will start another fucking positive reinforcement chart or jar or whatever. to go next to the bedwetting one we are in the thick of right now too. i will not turn into mommy dearest. we will get creative and at least try to get him to see how not dorky glasses are. maybe a little skit by mommy and daddy would help.

mommy, acting as a 10 year old girl: oh man. i found out i have to wear glasses. they are so nerdy. i don't want to wear them at school. nobody else in my class wears glasses. except my teacher. what am i going to do?

daddy, acting as another 10 year old girl, with tiny pig tails, barrettes, and a high voice, the kids will love that: oh yeah. that's a bummer. my brother has to wear glasses. he didn't like them at first. but then we started thinking about all the superheroes who wear glasses when they are not being a superhero. lots of powerful people wear glasses. harry potter. clark kent. peter parker. diana prince (wonder woman). bruce banner (the hulk). cyclops (xmen). velma (scooby doo). austin powers. dwight schrute. (thanks to this little page for some help on that list!) my dad and brother watched some videos to remember how many cool characters wear glasses.

mommy: my dad wears glasses. and i do think he is the best guy in the world. my mom says he is very handsome in his glasses. but i'm a girl. are girls as cool in glasses as boys?

daddy: oh yeah! have you seen wonder woman? look how cool she is! maybe we need to make up our own girl superheroes who wear glasses. it's true, there aren't nearly as many as there are boys.

and hey, look at these two cool superheroes, when they're out of costume!

well. i have a little work to do on that dialogue. don't ask me why it is about girls. i guess i thought it wouldn't be as obvious we were trying to speak directly to max's issue. just very obvious. not blatantly. ha. i bet david can help me flush it out, make it funny. he's gifted like that. i have the vision. he makes it fly. often.

anyhoo. that helped. i'm not angry anymore.

ayer

while the boy was in school, which is only for 3 hours a day now, his new special school that has me basically homeschooling him in the morning, in mostly non academic, but interactive and physical ways, since his school is mostly academic work done at a desk, olive and i went to the thrift shops near his school.

we got this cute cat basket.

this sweet old rug. the one i'd had here for years, to catch fire place mess, was starting to gross me out. i like this one so much !!

a sweet cup and saucer. sure makes the dirty dishes look fun.

and a few yards of good fabric. some oldish seeming thick woven stuff with that cool oval pattern going on, and then yards of this lightweight red linen. awesome. sorry about that bad lighting....



for the morning adventure, because max's school is in the afternoon, we went to the history museum at the university. i'm really into museums.


olive, on our way there. wearing this little dress i made for zhi as a two year old. so funny. all untied in the back. olive rocks it.

i love museum lighting.

they have a little exhibit on the fire that burned on our mountain last year.

and this one on the human impact on birds in the country. extinction being a big one.

the corner of bones and antlers for kids to touch and identify.

coyote.

a photo of a cool photo.

yep ....

i'm stalling on making the first fire of the season. piling on layers. i confess though, i did use the space heater today. do you think that's lame?

we have another week of warmish weather coming, so i'll wait on the fire. and i have another bar to take out of the bee house soon too, before we are done with warm days. i never shared the first harvest we had to make this summer. i don't know why. i just didn't.

the first swarm we placed in the first hive, built out comb and got to the back of the hive by the end of july. amazing. if we don't take a comb out, and give them more work room, they will build onto the back of the hive and that's disaster. the comb we took wasn't full of capped nectar, but close to half way full. a little brood mixed in. just a little. i've been letting it sit, hoping it will mature into honey even out of the hive. it tastes very good already though, from the sampling we all took. very light and macaroni. i mean, very light and sweet.

the next comb i take, is going to be one from the far back, which will be mostly wax. i don't want to take any more of their honey stores. not till spring. we'll take their leftovers then. but i'm psyched to have more wax. salves are something i'm into lately.

i'm currently infusing some almond and olive oils with calendula and comfrey from the garden. i'll use that oil in the next salve i make with the wax.

loving project runway. i can't help it. i actually pay for it on itunes. since we don't pay for cable, it's ok to pay for this show. here i go, to watch some more.....

deep breath

uuuuuuugh.

that's what i want to write. just a bunch of ugggggggghs.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

when thoughts suck, what does a girl do?

read soulemama.

but then what?

take a sip of earl grey.

google grey versus gray.

stare around.

resist the urge to think horrible thoughts about myself. or my children. or anyone i know.

think of my heartspace and stare at the ceiling fan.

miss family so far away. on other shores. of the continent. and of life. my grandparents and my dad are dead. where are they? god i would like to know.

write a really random seeming email to a friend. make myself laugh at how she might respond.

feel sorry for everyone here who does not have an apple computer. so sorry. but it's their choice. i will not judge. i will not judge. i will try not to judge.

feel grateful for tea today.

daydream about italy. and the mellowness of that culture. wonder if maybe we can go there this year. i've never been. just the thought of it sounds so sexy.

friend didn't seem tickled by the email. i tried to tickle her again, in a reply. maybe she's not ticklish today. maybe i just need to tickle myself. yep. that's exactly what i have to do. tickle my freaking self. it just sounds so boring sometimes.

the thing is, i want to play with shadows. i want to fight.

guess who needs to bleed.

when olive sees that the moon is full now, she asks me if i have my moonblood. she totally associates the full moon with my blood. how wild woman wolfish is that?

shadowy mama. hi. you are a beast. you have two parent teacher conferences this evening and they can sometimes be intense when it comes to getting feedback about max. feedback that i don't want to hear. oh lord. please be with me. dear diary. please be with me as i sit and listen to his new teacher's feedback tonight. i really don't want to cry tonight. ok. just writng that made me cry. that's cool. if sadness needs to come, i will allow it. but who goes around asking for it? that's all i'm saying.

i have an appointment with the therapist, as in psycho, in a few minutes here. great. as in, not great. not looking forward to it all of a sudden. not into working.

now i will go to iphoto and find a photo to accompany this post.

i like this one:

that's how i feel. like her drawing. and i am wondering about that phallic symbol there to the left of the person drawing. oh boy.

i've got so much work to do. in terms of evolving.

that's why one day at a time is the sanest advice a person could ever give or take.

but also. there's the ten year plan thing. that's a pretty cool thing to do too. but you have to go about achieving it one day at a time. like knitting a sweater.

i really feel helped by animals, and their lack of mental~ness. i know my therapist is just gonna tell me to breathe. how fucking boring! i have to pay someone to tell me to breathe. i have so much work to do. deep breath. and another. breathing is not boring. breathing is the best. i just might be the most distracted person ever. that's all. i get so distracted from my breaths. but when i finally come back to them, they are all i was looking for. i love cats. i love my womanness.

to be woman

i go for the nectar

i wait for it if i have to


i delight in my kids playing happily

i do not delight in them fighting

this was a great play pillow fight

i delighted

i tend to myself

in my kitchen

i soften

and move

i feed

i turn and jump and see what's behind me

hopefully often, i check my back

i am not trusting

not easily

i look at you with questioning eyes and weirdly pursed lips

what are you thinking

what are you feeling

what are your motives here

i must check you out

so i can feel safe

so i can feel my kids are safe

i pray to nature

i can't believe i get to live with all this beauty

i see beauty

i do believe it actually

i ingest it

i absorb it

i swim in it

i lather it on

i dream it

i release

i let go

i am bound to the moon

my waters

my blood

even when i'm no longer in my bleeding days

i will be bound to the moon

as my daughters are

and have been

since they were potent filled eggs inside of me

inside of my mother

inside of her mother

i polarize to man

when i allow myself to be feminine

in this culture

i actually have to allow my feminine

i have to call her out

and she has to sense that it's safe

in this culture

she has to know she is safe

or she will hide

carefully hide like a cat

while her masculine self comes forward

like a brute

to protect her puss

to be woman

i have to fight

for my safety

i have to fight in every moment

to stay awake

and maybe fight is not a perfect word

maybe it's a blend

of fighting vigilance scanning feeling probing

like an insect

like an animal

very very wild

in a world that wants us tame

but that is impossible

the ocean is not tame

she roars weeps throws and sings

she crashes endlessly into the land

stirring as much up as she can

the crashing is fun

bumpers

the feminine in me

the feminine in me

the feminine in me

so femme

so so femme

impulses desires

dreaming

crying

loving

reaching

staying

smiling with sisters

and brothers

women

woman

it is odd

to be a woman

and not feel feminine so often

swimming upstream we are

to reclaim our inborn right

to be feminine powers

to be dark and light

and to own it all

like a bloody woman

easing

the way the eggs find their way to the edge of the pot makes me stop and see an egg circle. egg circle. egg circle. egg circle.

the sage likes to grow in with the prickly pear. there are spots where it doesn't too, but i see it like this a lot. that sage doesn't want to get picked so much i gather.

i love it.



the long mile walk home from the bus the other day. all up hill. i torture my kids. and i give us popsicles when we get home.





and then we went on this trip to see david's family in baltimore. his daddy is sick. the kids have now had to learn that their grandpa has cancer and his body is not feeling the same as it was the last time we saw him. he can't walk anymore really. it is so hard to write that. i don't think i can write more on that right now. it was very good to be there and see pawpaw and mawmaw and cousins and aunts and uncle. very good. i felt into the space and everyone's emotional states, and it felt ok for olive and me to leave for one of the days and take a bus up to nyc to see my sis and niece and have that time with them. i have some pics i know i will want to share, but they are on david's camera and i haven't gotten them off yet. here's another couple from my phone though...

battery park. i'd never walked down there. i like it.

it's so cool how quickly claire has transitioned into nyc life. she'd never even been there before. they ride the subway now like it's a walk in the park. i am really into how it feels to not have to drive everywhere you go. she is too.

and then we came home. and i french braided my hair on the plane. it is something i am finding i like to do while flying. gives me something to do to calm my nerves. especially since it takes me about 4 tries to get it right. or close to right. me and flying lately = nervous. i must remember to take drugs next time. i have to hide my fearful state from whichever kids i am sitting with. these past two flights were particularly turbulent. zhi kept asking me what it was that was making the plane feel like it was falling. i have to act totally unafraid and say, 'oh, it's just wind. no big deal.' except for when i start to get nauseous, i can't hide that so well. but i just say it's like getting car sick, and still have to act cool and fearless. that is my kind of fun!! pretending i'm not scared shitless when i really am. i was joking with david later about how funny it was to think about being completely honest in that situation, and just tell her 'being on a plane that is bumping around in the sky like this is one of the scariest feelings i know. i am scared shitless and my heart feels like it might just break my chest bones. let's hold on to each other as tight as we can in case we die soon.' she would freak. god that is funny to think about for some reason, how bad that would be to just be honest in that situation. max starts to freak out on his own, no prodding necessary, and grips onto his arm rests with white knuckles, presses his head into the seat back as hard as he can, and david has to calm him down, cuz they sat together, and it works really well. telling him it's just wind. but once we plug them into a movie on the laptop, they tune it all out and don't even notice bumps. i love turbulence. i was trying to tell myself that on the plane. i tried. but i kept thinking about how much i love it when i get off the plane instead.

anyhoo. it all feels way smoother when i take ativan. must get some of that from the doctor.

easing back into the rhythm of boulder life. and blogging. love.

oh~ the new header photo is a pic of what olive did with some calendula flowers i picked from the garden. i set them on the bathroom counter, en route to the drying rack, and she noticed them there and lined them all up like that. i thought it was cool. she is cool.

a little trip

saw a bunch of east coast family. it was good.

i can't wait to blog again, and i think tomorrow is my day.

brooklyn.