much

so we had to say bye for now, for this lifetime, to our beloved paternal pawpaw.  except the kids think he may come back as a cat, or a wallaby, or some creature and see us again perhaps.....

how to know.  there is no way.  that mountain is beautiful.  he was beautiful.  after we heard on the phone, that he had gone on, i walked out to the living room of our house.  we didn't have time to get back to him to say bye.  it became time, and that was it.  hard and fast.

i saw those cobwebs in the living room.

on a typical day,  a sight like that in this house would kind-of bum me out.  how interesting that those webs were all i could look at to find center.  i had just the day before had my window washing party, and washed the outside of the windows on this house.  i stopped at that, and said i'd do the insides another day.  i sat there, thinking of my father-in-law, and feeling such strange gratitude that i hadn't washed the inside of the windows. cuz if i had, i'd have cleaned off all those webs too.  a loss that was comforted so so much by webs.   webs.  spiders.  thanks you creatures of infinity.

missing an integral part of our family.  moving on without him feels so foreign and dare i say, wrong.  i would be psyched if he could come back.  i'm ready for the dreams where he does.  they happened a lot with my dad.  i feel like they will with hal too.



the jewish way of grieving and honoring dead and the bereaved amazed me each day we were in baltimore this past week.  i have been feeling a lot of gratitude for being shown their way.

david.  my david.  it is too much.  too much is just what it is.


shiva.  three days of shiva.  oh.  no words really.  and yet i press on these keys.  there's max up there talking to his pawpaw's brother.  max kind-of just up and adopted his great uncle this past week, tuning into how much he reminded him of his pawpaw.  max just ate that man up.  and it was reciprocal.  their connection soothed so many of our ailing hearts during those three days.



i don't know exactly how i feel about blogging this.  but when i go deep down, i feel it is necessary and good.....this isn't a part of life to be hidden.  we were wide open with our grief and process with our children.  it was hard and sad and max in particular jumped right on into the wailing pool with all of the bereaved adults in this family.  he needed that.  he really really did.

we are missing someone deeply.  and i know for me, my every other thought is consumed with his spirit right now.  tears just come and come.  and interestingly from the day he died, there has been an element of humor, woven throughout these days.  max started it unknowingly, asking if we could keep pawpaw's head.  in the freezer.  a friend reminded me of how helpful and healing a little humor mixed into the grief can be.  her words were a healing balm.  i saw max then as the wise one i know he is, but i sometimes forget he is.  the humor just kept seeping in here and there by many others.  it wasn't disrespectful.  it was real and present.  and the tears came right along with it.  we are stricken.  stricken in love and tears and laughter.  it feels like too much to say bye.  and too much is just what it is.





we have plans to go back to baltimore once again, in april.  this time for a batmitzvah.

it was a long time away from this blog for me.  i didn't intend that.  this year started with my boychild getting really sick.  on day one of this year.  pneumonia to be exact.  that took him and me both down.  him physically, me psychically and emotionally it seemed.  and then, just a few days after max started to breath steadily again, we realized pawpaw was preparing to leave much quicker than any of us thought.  i wonder if max was just tuning into that, and his body was beginning to grieve before any of us knew.  i feel that is probably the case.  i've learned that the lungs hold the grief, and release the grief.  aaaaaack.  so much intensity, somehow gracefully mixed with a little light humor, and love, and i still don't know what to say.

we are back in boulder, and the boys are snowboarding again today.  may max not be taken down with any respiratory ailments this time.  may us girls have a nice day at home doing whatever we want.  may we continue on our paths, with the memories of our beloved soothing our hearts and minds.

love.  so much god damn freaking love.

and more.  too much.  it's part of what we signed on for.  gulp.