brief pause

well.  i just cried and cried in the principals office at max's school.  i felt like a blithering overtaxed worried mom.  she told me i was very articulate.  she must say that to all the crying moms who come to her.






ok.  brief pause.....








so, i went through some old photos.  they all look so beautiful to me.  i have this ability to forget the stress of the past and just see the beauty.  why can't i do that with the present as masterfully as i do with the past?  can you?  if so, can you tell me how?

ahhh, last summer....



i danced on the patio, while the girls peeled carrots that zhi's class had harvested from a farm filed trip.







high summer photos in deep winter is very soothing to me right now.



 i feel like i'm supposed to thrifting right now.  i have a little over an hour till i begin the pick up from school routine.  alright then.  i'm gonna go thrifting.  i'll report back.......


::

hmmmm, four days later.

thrifting was cool.  a little bit of an altered space.  i got two long sleeve shirts.  two long pants.   and a vintage dr. doolittle.   i want to do a hemming session soon. i have about three pants that have needed hemming for a long long time.

our turkey was attacked by some predator last thursday night.  through the fence the animal reached in and wrecked the living hell out of our sweet boy.  he was perched very near the fence and was reachable.  it is so so sad.  i just forced antibiotics down his throat.  i don't think he's going to make it.  shit.  shit.  shit.   max just told me his brother uses electrical fencing so this doesn't happen.  max is smart.  and so is his brother.  (imaginary as far as i can tell, but somehow he is very very real.  he actually has two brothers. he talks about them all the time.  )

oh turkey boy.  i am so sorry.  somehow it feels like it was our fault.  we chose to have you as a pet and ...........  we are going to reinforce the fencing to make the wire openings even smaller.  shit.

i am not going to cry at the school today.  that is a goal.  i will not got into a fight with max about his glasses because david and i decided to let it be his decision for now.  he chooses to wear his hearing aids, 98% of the time he chooses to.  i am going to count that as a blessing.  and let the glasses be easy for a while.  his vision is still 20/20.   the glasses help with a prism thing and a slight magnification to ease the effort on his eyes.  it's possible he knows what's best here.  ???  we are either in our wisdom, or in our weakness with this decision.  not sure.

praying and blessing is my work right now.  this year is only 23 days old and i could freak on how intense and hard and scary it has been.  i have freaked.  praying and blessing.  reading the books i've been lent.  praying and knitting.  and cleaning.  and showering.  i've showered so much lately. and cleaned little corners of annoying stuff that i hadn't dealt with in a long time.  weird stuff.

 david and i feel like we want to release control over how we've parenting.  we aren't sure how really, but we are agreeing, that our parents gave us a lot a lot of room to be who we were, to fuck off, and there was something essential in that.  balance of course.  we are just looking for more.  tuning into where we are to the far right.

yes on ani difrancos new album.  a lot of people say, yeah, i listened to her in the 90s or when i was in my 20s, or whatever.  if you want to know what i think, she is as good as ever, if not better.  we got tickets with friends to her show here in march.  yippee.  daivd's dad said yippee a lot.   it's been two weeks since he left.  we are shaken.  it's just hard core to die.  that's what i feel.  all us moms and babies, and dads too, know it's very hard core to be born.  and of course this is all very obvious.  but this is where i say very obvious things.  it is outrageously hard core to die.    max told me his pawpaw has been working with god.  and that god gave him a job.  that he's doing the same job he did here on earth, with god now, for all the people who are with god.  pawpaw was an economist.  a legendary economist in health care.  he made it so all people regardless of socioeconomic status, could get the same quality health care in maryland.  or he did his best to see to it that they did.  maryland has a healthcare system unlike any other state in the US because of pawpaw.   i told david how max told me about pawpaw having his job again with god, and david said, geez, i can't believe we still have to deal with health care financing with god.  right.  i guess we might.  according to max.  and i bet hal is whipping that place into righteous shape, though.

living is hard core.  evolving is too.  and so is ani's new cd.  ok.  i think we are going to try and get to the library to find a book on drawing cartoon faces for max.  his teacher gave me the idea.  i'd been trying to help him draw horses, with a step by step book on drawing them, but it was too hard and he hated it.  cartoon faces is such a good idea.

we will put turkey out of his misery tomorrow if there's no improvement.  david will.  holy crap.

is anyone else having an intense new year?

my grandfather's blessings.  it's bringing me back to a place where my mind, and heart, can feel peace, when i make a conscious effort to try.  crying is the best.  it really really is.  and if i must, i will cry to whoever is in front of me.  if it's the principal again, ok.  it's really ok.  when my tears come in seemingly horrid places, it is ok.

love.