letting go hardness but goodness

well. i kind-of like it. i am really surprised, but i do. i used the dkny vogue pattern 1027. i am all about the wrap dress. i actually wore a wrap dress to my wedding! i made it too, but with a lot of help from my old sewing teacher. i made that pattern three times, actually. now that i know i like this pattern, i may just make it three times. hmmmmm.

this pattern is meant to be used with stretch knit fabric. 2 way stretch. i went so far out on a limb and used some cotton broadcloth. like dress shirt material. i was pretty scared once i had it all cut out that i wouldn't be able to get it over my head, shoulders, or butt without the stretch, but i just gave it a shot and i tried the top on once i had it together and because of the vneck wrap feature it was fine. the armholes were a little tight feeling at first, but the fabric is slightly malleable and it feels good to me in a weird way to have the tight fitting top section. it's like it's one with my body. whew. i think i got really lucky with that fabric switch working. i don't look like betty draper either, do i? i look more like a ballerina. or something. what?? i can't put my finger on it.

choosing black was scary for me, but it was the only color i could relate to when i was cutting the pattern out and then laying it on fabric. it was before max's surgery that i cut it out and life felt mostly dark for me. it felt scary and dark. and color just felt fake for me to imagine putting all over my body. i told myself that funerals don't own the color black, and went ahead with my decision. very brave bold move. when you feel a color, you can't argue it or question it or change your feeling. you know. i also had just found this whole BOLT of fabric at the thrift for ten bucks, and it was sitting there in my house being really appealing. i didn't begin sewing until two weeks ago. about 6 weeks after max's surgery. that's when i could feel the time was right to begin. now that i have almost two months between then and now, i still feel the black, and it makes so much sense to me. it doesn't feel depressing. it feels passionate, and light actually. a little lascivious (heh). and playful with the huge full skirt. i think you're supposed to tie it in the front, but i like it tied in the back better. the hardest part in making this dress was the sleeve facing. that sucked. but i got through it. because the fabric isn't very stretchy, it was just crazy~making trying to fit that little trim around the edge of the armhole. i also sewed almost all the seams at a quarter inch instead of 5/8 to give me every bit of extra room i could since i was absent the stretch factor. that was a good move.

(like david's shadow on me? i know that shadow well, oh yes i do.)

it was chilly out, and i was wearing long johns. i'm down with that. i would do it again.

(close up deleted.  too many people searching for armpit hair coming to this blog to see a picture of my armpit.)  

here is a close up to show where i had a little accident when first trying the top on. before the sleeve facing was sewn on, i tried the top on, and because the edges were raw, and the fit so tight, and the fabric not a knit, i ripped it at the armpit. uuugh. i was so sad when that happened. i came back though, the next day and remembered to go slow and not rush myself with this. what's the point? it's all a meditation anyways, whatever it is we're doing. so i zenned out, and sewed up the tiniest little tailored~feeling patch for the tear. i love how it turned out. i am now glad that i ripped it, cause i like this funny detail so much. the other side under the armpit got some pretty flowery trim, and that was to cover up another mistake. i did some ugly stitching under there. when i had the trim sewn on one side, i realized i liked it just like that. no need to balance it out for me. uniformity is uncool. right? i like it like this, that's all i can say about my decision there. another happy random occurrence is that when i first began to sew, the first thing i did was make the pleats in the top, that you can't see, cuz they're under the wrap tie. but they were to be basted, so i went ahead and just used the thread i had in the machine already, knowing it would just get ripped out eventually, so color didn't matter yet. when i saw how the dark grey top-thread looked with the bright red bobbin-thread, i was so excited. and scared, because i knew that i'd have to be so steady with my stitching with thread color that stands out so much. but i went for it, and i love that tiny detail too. i feel funny writing so much about the process of making this dress. hmmmmmmm. get over it, girl, and keep enjoying yourself!! okay. so there are a few spots where the stitching is wonky and my old sewing teacher would have had me rip, mostly up on top of the shoulders, but whatever. i don't really care. not nearly enough to rip it out. i get to work with my freaky obsession with perfectionism and rock out the wonky stitches up there.

i wore the dress immediately after hemming it on thursday. it is so not a style i've ever worn before, with the super full skirt, that i didn't feel like myself at all at first. but i wanted to see if i could begin to settle into it if i just wore it for a while. so i totally wore it go pick the kids up at school, showed it off to a few friends, had a lot of fun with all their reactions, and then when we got home, i put on my apron, and got to work. i gave it a thorough testing. composted, cooked, cleaned, danced, jumped on the trampoline, gave olive a bath, read books for bedtime with everyone snuggled on top of me (i had to untie the tie for that to give the diaphragm some space.) it passed every test. no ripping, no problems. sometimes i feel like i need to wear a padded bra to fill out the top when i am curled up and the top fabric begins to poof out, like when reading books to the kids, but whatever. i don't like bras, so i doubt i'll do that. besides, olive wouldn't be able to reach in and feel me up if i bra'd myself. well, this brings me to something i've been wanting to say a bit on.......

olive has weaned. my baby baby baby has weaned! i have been afraid to feel into this for a while now, and have just kind-of let it happen without sitting down and really thinking about it. i don't have a clue if that's smart or not, but it's all i could do. just do it. just be in my body and go with it. it happened really naturally. sort of. the last time she nursed was on the night before max's surgery. i remember it so well. we were in the hallway of the hotel, sitting on the floor, with grandma beside us on a chair. olive ran over to me from getting off the elevator, climbed in my lap, and did what she's been doing since the day she was born. i had no thought that this would be the last time. but it was. and i love that i remember it so well. the timing was interesting, right? max was about to need me like he hadn't since he was born, and what a sacrifice olive made for him. but it wasn't really a sacrifice like that, cause i feel like she was ready. it was just really cool timing. that's how i feel. she now loves to say how she's a big girl and she doesn't have boobs anymore. i did NOT plant that. she came up with it and says it with a lot of pride. so i go with it. but we also talk about how much she loved the boobs, and still loves them. she loves to feel all over them still, and that makes so much sense to me. although neither of my other ones ever did that after weaning. i probably wouldn't have let them, actually. maybe they tried. but i was pregnant when each of them weaned and i was DONE and needed my body to be all done with anything except growing the next baby. so. yeah. olive likes to reach in and take advantage of that airyness that happens with this dress when i lay down or curl up in it. i guess if i wore it to a party or something i'd wear a camisole with it.

so.... for the first time in 8 and a half years i am not pregnant or nursing. that is weird weird weird. and also feels fine fine fine. my body just did some crazy cool stuff. it grew three little people in it. and then made hundreds of gallons of milk to feed them. or it felt like that much anyways. i wonder how much milk i made?? have you ever wondered that? i want to go lay on the earth with my breasts up against her and just lay there and cry and mourn that it's all done, and feel so much gratitude at exactly the same time that i was able to do that with my children, my sweet little baby sucklings. they were such good suckers. even max, after two weeks of struggling to keep his body adjoined with life, latched on and just went for it like the boob was his old familiar friend. oh, i'll cherish all my nursing memories forever and ever. yes. i. will. and i know i will miss them like crazy someday, but such is life.

such is life. today, as i write this, it is may first. my dad's birthday. it has been a full full day full of tears and laughter and bliss and pain. full of friends and family and animals and food and comic books and magic. we have talked about pawpaw bob many times. he is in the air, i said earlier to max. he looked at me, and said, 'he's in the air???' i said yeah he is. and max just took that in, looked at the air around us, and felt what it meant.

so, i'm calling this my let it go dress. there was so much to let go. there always is. letting go of of my son's scarless back is such a big letting go for me. letting go of his spasticity. letting go of my illusion that i have control of over his life, his path, his karma. letting go of yesterday. letting go. letting go of my nursing days. letting go. letting go of the peach blossoms that won't make it to fruit. and once i let go, so much else comes. more blossoms come. but i have to let go first. the letting go dress.

was that such an epic post? too much for a silly little dress? nope. that is what i did. and that is how i did it. and that is how i felt about it. and that is some good black goodness. letting go goodness.