the new knitting bag, and project!!

i made myself this little bag to hold my new knitting project. it's from some scrap vintage pieces i got on ebay for dirt! i got a whole slew of red scraps. they are the cutest prints.

here's my counter. i attached it to the end of the finger~knitted drawstrings that zhi made. so it dangles like a bobble at the end of the bag. i LOVE it there. i'm a little too proud of where my counter is for some reason.

i rolled my first ever ball up from a skein of this delicious alpaca yarn that DAVID got for me at a fair recently. i love it so much, that he walked past this yarn booth and stopped and said to himself, heather needs some of this. i have never knit with such soft yarn. it's so slippery. but not a problem with my new wrap around the middle finger and then the index finger trick.

this pattern came from the same booth as the yarn. i was there with david when he decided i must have this yarn. so i picked out a free pattern to go with it. i am loving making these so far. i am a bit further along than these pictures show. even though i had to rip it all out once for not keeping track of the pattern properly. now i am!! i am using a cable needle for this project. and this is my first time on double pointed needles. my mom showed me how to get started. it felt extremely awkward and wonky at first. i'm getting used to it now. i feel like a magician sort of, keeping everything straight and flowing, with that cable needle thrown in every 8 stitches on that cable row. it's fun, actually, now that i'm used to it.

and here are the girls doing some string work under the table. zhi is a clever girl. and olive will do anything and say everything that zhi does. it is completely adorable. i am now trying to teach zhi how when someone copies you it's because they feel like you are the coolest thing they have ever seen. i just want her to have some compassion for that little sister. and i want to have some for zhi when she gets annoyed at being copied every time she moves or speaks. that would be hard to breathe through, for sure.

and max is still telling stories, making dragons go at it. i hope always stays a storyteller. i really need to video some of his stories soon. and some of his phone calls to his brothers. (imaginary, but very present in our lives.) and yeah, he needs a haircut. or some product.

loving the goddess book. i'm questioning mainstream religion like never before. i never took a religious studies class in college. this is all new for me to ponder in this way.

barbara says this:

'if religious authorities want the public to believe, they should try to come up with something believable. faith that must always guard itself against the encroachment of common sense or rationality is not worth keeping. the world needs a new belief system that doesn't demand that its adherents remain ignorant of the discoveries of earth sciences, biology, history, astronomy, physics, paleontology, or archaeology. the world needs religion that can be believed without insult to human intelligence.' p 27-28

i love her. she just lays it out. she is fearless. woohoo!

and just for the record, i love believing. i believe in fairies and dragons and gnomes and mermaids, and that may go against common sense. (may? ha!!) so i'm not bashing anyone's beliefs here. i'm just loving the questioning. and this woman's extreme intelligence. my brain feels like it just got a huge extra large dose of oxygen inserted into it. expanding my understanding is refreshing.

goddess recognition. goddess education.

restoring the goddess, by barbara g walker. after working out this morning, i saw this book on top of a stack of books at home and it called to me. luckily i listened. i opened it to a random page, and read this:

'With the advent of patriarchal societies, the dark side came to be improbably perceived as somehow avoidable, seeming even darker as it was relegated to masculinized forms of the underground Crone. The formerly neutral realm of the dead began to take on a more frightening hellishness, while of the gods of light became the adversaries of the gods of darkness, instead of their natural alter egos in time, as was the case with the Goddesses. Virgin and Crone, two phases of the same entity, evolved into angel and demon, forever in conflict.'

page 169

i almost couldn't believe i turned directly to that passage, given what has been in the forefront of my mind these days. darkness. this woman has something to teach me, i know it. i am going to go back to the beginning of the book now and take it in. while i read Little Bee at the same time, the new novel i'm getting sucked in to like an undercurrent. very fitting to be reading these together i am realizing. i am just sad that as a woman, i have to be seeking out this information, on how to be a whole wild woman on the earth. no one taught me. i have grown up immeshed in a patriarchal society and pretty much have had a belief my whole life, that good/light and evil/dark are separate. i am working my butt off to shake this belief. it is not serving me at all anymore. it's almost like my life depends on it that i shake it off. work it out. sweat it out. replace it with a new very educated understanding. it really feels so important right now. and here i begin the barbara g walker course study. she has written SO many books. i posted once a photo of her knitting book that i found at the library and fell in love with. (it's the last photo on that post.) she's a master knitter and feminist. i've searched the internet a bit for a photo of her and i can't find one. i wish i could see what she looks like. not that it matters. i just wish i could.

as i feel into how my children are born and naturally grow, i see how dark and light are not separate for them at all. we learn to do that, separate them into good and bad. i pray that i unlearn this as much as i can, so that i can teach them, or simply model, how to live with dark and light fully integrated. and i will admit i have some un~teaching to do, cuz goddess knows, i have not modeled this so well yet. i try, though. i just hope to get better. what does this look like, i want to answer. for me right now, it looks like not judging the dark when it is here. it means not fearing it. in myself or them. what is dark? typically whatever we judge or fear as undesirable. i am thinking right now of my son's behavior, and mine in response to his, lately. he has become a tyrant toward olive over the past two weeks or so. instinctively, i am saying to myself and him, this is not ok. and it's not. but the way i am saying it's not ok, is not ok. so then i begin a loop of judging. i judge max as being too dark, and then i react in a too dark way and then we all just suck! but to share something a friend said in our women's group the other day, that i feel is ok to share, we can say 'no this is not okay!', with serious gumption, with a scary face, or we can say it with as much seriousness and gumption, with a slight smile, or a big one if you can pull that off. and either way may be appropriate. that part is up to us, to feel into what feels right and integrated to us. i personally strive to be able to move from the strong fierce scary 'no', to the strong fierce joyful 'no.' but that scary 'no' came up for a reason. i do not want to extricate it at all. i had a scary reaction because i got scared. it's fine for max to see that when he punches his sister i get scared. but once i become conscious of the reasons why i get scared, i can let the fear go, and i know i can begin to embody a joyful 'no'. i know it. my friend jill modeled it so powerfully at our last meeting. thank you friend. you really inspired me. but we are not into judging ourselves for initially letting the dragon lady speak her mind. it's just that, as we are not all light, we are not all dark. so some times the dragon speaks, and sometimes the angel does. each are coming from wisdom. and that is just today's current example. yesterday's would have been about me and david. tomorrow's will be about me and perfectionism.

yay. so inspired. ready to practice. ready to read.

god damn!!!

real real real real real real real real real . something needs to give. it's me. i need to give over and go workout. work it out of me. here i go.. at 6 in the morning, before anyone is up, i'm going to go work it out of my body. here i go............ david's gonna be pissed cuz olive will wake up and cry if i'm not here. sorry d.

oink slide chirp neigh hello

i took a little tiny nap today and it felt like this. blissed out.

zhi made this little fairy the other day. i love it so much. so so so much. she gave it to me. she gives me a lot of her art. i am in love with her art.

david found this little man this morning. the kids loved it. slugs are not a common visitor here in the desert. the antenna are the best. zhi showed me how if you touch its head it will pull it all the way into its body. i feel like i do that sometimes, too, if you try to touch my head at the wrong time of the month.

this reminds me of david and me today. we finally got to working through a little/but not so little disconnect this morning. relief to feel the connection again. i had to force the conversation. but after talking with friend this morning about it afterward, i remembered that that's often what we do as women, we force the conversation if that's what it is that we're needing. as women, we have to ask, straight up, for what we need. we have to tell them exactly what it is. they don't know otherwise. they are not mind readers. they are men. we are the mind readers!! i may be a little full of myself here, but just a little. mostly i'm right. heh.

gluten free pizza number two this week. i amaze myself at how many greens i can pile on a pizza... oh, and i asked zhi what her first two favorite greens are. well, i got it all wrong. she said that lamb's quarter is her first favorite! how did i hear that wrong? probably because i was overloaded with talking and not listening very well. you know.

back in the saddle. or is it back on the saddle?

summer stuff

he's gettin it! they can't ride bikes yet, and max has a good reason because of his balance issues. zhi just hasn't shown huge interest yet. she likes her training wheels. but man can they skoot now. max actually glides now, holding the weight of his body on his right leg, which is something he could never ever do before his surgery. his heel is down and he is gaining a lot of balance over there on the right side. it is so much fun to see the progress. he is proud.

he helps her pee. they stop and wait. i take photos. i'm like their paparazzi.

wild flowers. mexican sunflowers?

little spider woman. the amount of string she goes through making this and that is....a lot.

that is the lamb's quarter pesto we made this weekend. i used about half basil and half lamb's quarter. raw garlic, olive oil, salt. so good. seriously. zhi and i went foraging for the lamb's quarter. while we were finding it, she ate a few leaves and declared it her third favorite leaf. i was needing to be quiet, so i didn't ask what her first two favorites are, but i smiled and felt so much love for her. i plan to ask her today now that i am remembering this. i wonder. cooked kale, and lettuce are my guesses. but i know i'm wrong, cuz she doesn't like lettuce.... there's some leaf i'm forgetting. she might be including edible flowers which we've been munching on too lately. she particularly likes prickly pear flower petals, which are wild here, and borage flowers from the garden. she loves to pick them and bring them to us all to partake in.

i cleaned our bedroom the other day. this one played beside me while i cleaned. it was a massive project. i had a pile of winter stuff to deal with, and just a big pile of everyday stuff. i switched our blanket out to a summery white one.

and there is a pizza we made. those aren't pepperonis. they're beets. it was a good pizza. lots of beet greens and beets. and a little too much cheese. on bob's gluten free crust. it's easy to make. and the dough stores in the fridge well for a few days, so i have another one ready to go for today. i prefer regular crust, but we use this a lot. david thinks max is sensitive to gluten. i'm not so sure, but i entertain him.

and this is so perfect for me today......i actually told my sister yesterday that if parenting were a job, the way it was yesterday, i probably would have quit. thank goodness it's not a job!! but my precious life. i get these emails everyday from scott noelle. i don't always read them, but i read this one today and it feels like he is speaking to me. i love that he says it's not about my child at all. it's about my inner guidance, and the honoring of.

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

Partnership, Authenticity, Trust, & Heart...
Parenting this way is a lot easier when you have
the kind of support you get in the PATH Program:
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/path/info

:: "I Didn't Sign Up For This!" ::

Living in an anti-pleasure culture -- where sacrifice
and toil are glorified while pleasure-seeking is
disdained -- we've been conditioned to *tolerate*
unpleasant states like boredom and confinement.

But such states feel bad for a reason: they suck! :-)

So if you find a particular aspect of parenting
boring or confining, don't tolerate it! Instigate
a personal revolution and proclaim...

"I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS!"

You didn't intend to *suffer* through parenthood.
You wanted to bring more joy into the world.
Love and joy: THAT'S what you signed up for!

With that awareness, you can set a new standard.
Raise the bar. Don't settle for tolerable
unpleasantness. If you can't see a more pleasing
way to proceed, just be still, remember your true
intentions, and be open to inspiration.

This is not about having zero tolerance for your
child. It's not about your child at all! It's about
listening to *your* Inner Guidance and *honoring* it.

When you honor your Guidance, it honors you *and*
your child.

http://dailygroove.net/didnt-sign-up-for-this

if if if if if if if

if i had a different chemical make up in my brain, i'd not dip into darkness like i do. but you know, i am just made the way i am. this is what i do. and i 'm learning not to drown, that's a good thing. but i'm also learning, or maybe accepting, that i simply sometimes go dark. it's just what i do. maybe there's nothing wrong with it, i am contemplating for the first time in my LIFE! my night~vision is improving over the years, so it's not such a cluster. i could try anti~darkness meds if i wanted to. but i'm not sure. right now i just like this feeling of saying, hey, i'm heather, and sometimes i go dark. like i'm at an aa meeting. but without thinking of darkness as a disease. i'm thinking that if i keep learning about this tendency, i will begin to find a real richness in this darkness, and maybe even a comfort in it. i have improved so much with therapy, around how i am in relationship with others when i am dark. that's really good. i haven't regretted the way i've spoken to the kids or the husband in a while. (and i haven't been stuffing it either.) now i'm just really ready to learn how to appreciate the darkness when it appears. love it even. it definitely invites me to retreat. it gives me the opportunity and the reminder to slow down. it is the opposite of expansion. it's like i need to go into a mini~cocoon state until i feel ready to emerge with new colors. from what i keep reading, it is a very fertile place. those who've explored it extensively, treasure it. they say it is where creativity originates. and at the same time, as me being heather who can go dark, i am also heather who goes light. i am really grappling with this stuff right now, in the height of the summer, when the light is abundant. it feels safe to explore the darkness now, maybe cuz i know there is so much light. and in the depth of winter, that is when i explore the light. that is when i photograph the fireplace and candles. i'm noticing a pattern. this is all so crazy. and kind~of fun. if i don't express the weird wild dark quirky side of myself along with my appropriate socially~acceptable side, i don't feel right. i strive for that balance. freaky freak. i really have to get this. i really want to. i really want my kids to see their mama feeling fine fine fine in her wild dragon skin skin skin. they do. they totally do. i am fine fine fine. i totally am. i am heather and i go dark and i go light. and i go medium occasionally.

here is a tired dirty girl about to have a swim lesson. oh i love this photo.

scraping.

and here is a small representation of the farm we love and have joined this year. she makes our milk. or one of them does...

picking up the veggies for us and our friends.

those garlic scapes are delish.

here we are, olive and i, first thing yesterday morning. we covered our feet with kitchen towels cuz they were cold. her idea. me with my chinese herbs and magazine for older women (HA), her with her leftover popcorn from the day before. ... at first i questioned whether that is an appropriate thing to eat first thing. ha! then i realized it was fine fine fine. it's fine fine fine. it's today. it's now.

this is a bit of a long story. we've had our washing machine hooked up backwards for a year or so, and i just realized it. the hot water was going to the cold intake, and vice versa. whenever a load would finish, i'd notice it was really hot, and i thought it was just this new machine we got about a year ago, that it spun the clothes much faster and they got hot from the intense intense spinning. and then there were the many loads of clothes that turned pink. i would blame it on the intense spin cycle, leaching the red dye from the red clothes. oh i've been sad about all the pink towels and clothes. then i just didn't care cause it wouldn't stop happening. i kind-of accepted that this was our fate. we were to be the pink clothes family. i did decide to teach the kids about separating the clothes into lights and darks, though. and then on this one fateful night, i stopped the washer after it had been going for a minute or two to add something in. that's when i felt the hottest water ever pouring into and all over the clothes. i asked david why that would be when i always choose the cold water cycle. he checked the back of the machine and saw it had been hooked up wrong. so there's my note to remind us to fix it the next day. and just for the record, i was not complaining. i just like to swear. i am reporting the story. i know i am one of the luckiest women on the planet in that i have a washing machine. and i have it hooked up to running water. with a toilet to top it off. these are not to be taken for granted. these are luxuries. they really are. we live in appliance, water, and toilet luxury.