assignment # 4

last assignment...

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i learned so much here. the three things that come to mind first, are that i now understand more what the word exposure means, as well as aperture, and i am all about composition now, which means negative space.

thanks you c and c. thanks you so much! love, heather

am i ....

doing whatever it is i'm doing because i want to, relatively, or because i am trying to be perfect? if i'm doing it because i'm trying to be perfect, than i can pretty much guarantee my soul is not very present, if at all. well if she is, then she is gonna be pretty shadowy. i'm talking about simple stuff i guess. but i'll explore and see if it extends into big stuff too. simple like, am i cleaning the kitchen right now because i want to, or because i want to feel perfect, and for david to come home to a home that feels perfect? or am i making the bed while my child is needing me more than the bed needs me, because i am being stressy and weird, and trying to ignore the moment's highest need, that of my child? or is it that i have needs too, and sometimes i can't tell whose is more pressing? mine for order, or the child's for whatever, usually comfort. it's just all too complex. i can sit on my knees at squeeze points like this and not do anything but find myself also. i can do that. i can do that while a child cries. and while the bed continues to revolve around the sun unmade. i can find myself. i can do that. it's not easy. but i can do it. i can roll into child's pose and do that. and the baby can crawl over the turtle shell i just pulled over my back cause it protects me until i am ready to come out. with myself, that i just went in and found. a game of lost and found. that's what we do. it is so fun! not. well, sometimes it is kind of fun when i don't take it all so damn seriously. the absurdity of losing ourselves only to go around finding ourselves over and over and over and over again. until you wake up to hear the birds singing like eckhart tolle did. does he ever lose himself anymore? he is such a gnome.

and you know what also helps me a lot the past 6 months or so. this ladies group i am a part of. these ladies got me through probably my biggest panic of all around max's surgery. when i first came out and spoke that we were probably going to go this route for his care, i had so much energy follow, and my body literally shook for about an hour, while i cried, and talked, and listened to their sweet caring LOVING words. while i felt their amazing support. i love these women. i have a few other really close women friends in my life that supported me in ways equally as important and i am wanting to say thank you to you women. i love you. and my blogging friends, are included. i am surprised at how i incorporated every aspect and corner of my world. thank you so much women. you are all so loving.

i AM really going to do gnome month. and what i'm going to do is commit, or try really freaking hard, to commit to asking myself, how would the gnomes do it? my feeling about gnomes is that they really enjoy life. they pay a lot. everything is play. i mean, they work their butts off, but they are playing while they do it. i just listened to some marshall rosenberg, nonviolent communication, during my hike today. he brought everything full circle, ending with the idea that if we really examine why we do what we do, or something like that, and if we get clear about what we CHOOSE to do, and make sure we are choosing for reasons that align with the nonviolent philosophy, then we can come to a way of living in which it is easy for all that we do to be done in a playful way. that is so cool!!!!! so gnomey!!! i'm gonna go for it for a month. this could be considered my one small change for whatever month it is. what would the gnomes do in this situation? it all ties in to my question about am i trying to be perfect, or am i doing this task because i really really choose to with nonviolent reasons....meaning, no shame, guilt, fear, and so on involved in my motives. but with the motive of simply caring for and celebrating life. okay. i dare anyone who wants to do this with me. it could be so fun. and playful!! (kim, you kind-of just inspired me to go for it, with your comment. thanks so much! it's easy to start a blog on blogger, btw. and free.)

i don't know how this will work with blogging, but i'll figure it out.

this is a picture i took on the hike today, because there was a mama and her two little gnomes hiking up. slowly slowly of course. soon after seeing them, marshall said, to look at how many things you don't do in your life because you fear doing them poorly. this mama, was going for it. this is a steep hike. and she wasn't perfect, i mean, i could feel her impatience with her kids cuz they weren't listening to her very well, but she was doing it! she was out hiking on this great day with her gnomes. it was so inspiring! david is gonna be psyched if i integrate this nonviolent communication more into our days. i will finally get off his back.

reminder!

i just read this. it is interesting. i did that when i was 20, for a month. i also wwoofed on new zealand.

right now..... i actually wish there was more laundry to fold. i just got so into it. i think the gnomes are here.

planting in the fall is the best. this was pretty accidental. i planted a lot early last fall for late season crops, but they never grew. they are now! surprise. the gnomes are totally here.

busy busy fixin stuff. finding stuff to fix they didn't even know was broken.

he is mmm, mmmm, mmmm. bugging his dad today, but not me so much. i am pretty into him lately. it's like i get him right now so much. you know how that kind of thing happens in waves. and what is triggering d, sometimes i love. and vice versa. people are so complex. and what brings two people together to get married is so interesting. especially because we can be so so different. frames of mind are powwerful. poww poww. what brings our children to us is so insanely intense and interesting and mysterious too. whoa boy. let's go back to what the gnomes are doing. they want to fold more clothes. maybe getting off the computer needs to happen. have you ever seen a gnome on a computer late at night? how many people in the world are looking at computers right now, as they fold clothes? how many gnomes.

what if you had all the time in the fall, i mean the world. where did fall just come from? i would not fear mistakes. i would not feel rushed. is there any other way to not feel rushed? do i just have to pretend i am not afraid until i am not?

the flowers are here. flowers. flowers. light and flowers are here. i played with them today. it will snow one more time. at least. i have a lot of kindling ready. guitar. have you ever seen a gnome play guitar?

have you ever seen a gnome on a double black diamond?

think of the gnomes. i might commit to a month of gnome honor. forgetting about the gnomes is not okay. remind me of this is i seem to forget!

nettles love is in the air too. must go out and pick some tomorrow. gonna put it on ical. do gnomes use i cal nowadays? i know they are busy. how do they remember everything? i love them. and hot water bottles on cold spring nights. ........warm. warm warmness.

round three and dance monday!

i am so in love with her. i seriously want to lick her lately like i did when she was a little tiny thing. she licks me sometimes, and i love it!! is that so gross? just little cheek licks, like a cat. cause you know she is all about cats.


we went on a walk yesterday, pushing the almost 8 year old in the stroller with his baby sister, because he has the chicken pox BAD. it is sad. but now that it's today, i am feeling like he is over the hump.. ooh, he needs to be over that hump.



this is what he and i were doing the night before last. at 3 am. poor baby could not sleep he was so itchy. bathing is all that seems to help. except last night we resorted to benadryl and he slept so well. this is the third and last round of chicken pox for these kids!!! it's been a month of nonstop pops. i am really ready to move on. but sitting and watching endless movies while i knit and computer it up is really not so bad. and then take a break to go dance in the kitchen. not so bad. not so bad, actually. we know how to hang with the chicken pops yes we do. but we are gonna be so ready to go out into the warming world ( i mean seasonally, but sadly globally too, deep sigh) and play in the dirt.

i am really glad i have this dance monday thing to make me dance at least a little bit. if this is the only time i make myself groove out in the week, that is something! something better than the way it has been for me in the past. pulling oneself out of depression may require a wacky promise like this. and it may happen slowly, but it can really happen. it feels silly what i do here, sharing my self making myself dance, but that's the whole point, in a way. just be silly, h! and when i make a promise, i am pretty darn good about keeping it. so, you will all continue to suffer through mondays here as long as you click on my link, cause it is really helping me to have this commitment. suffer hard!! today, i am still in my pjays. looking good. i hope i remember to change before i go get zhi. that would be funny. i am so gonna forget.

first, i turn on the kitchen radio. a kitchen without a radio is not a kitchen. it is a sad work station. just kidding, but not really.

i eat some honey while i groove to whatever is on kgnu. always good.

pretend i'm dancing with someone, and look at the camera .

make some tea, and get burned by the steam.

be as dorky as possible. okay, this was not as dorky as i could be. maybe i'll save that for another time. we need some suspense.....

assignment #3

this assignment was about color. i found that light brown/ brown was my color. it just started catching my eye throughout the week. so i looked. i get really into color....come along for a nice long stroll through my week of adoring this particular color.

(you can click on the diptych to enlarge)

light brown is a story of life, weathered yummy lived utilized life.

here is my square photo below, utilizing my new favorite thing to look for in my photos, espacio negativo.

complimentary color....i decided purple or some shade of purple is light brown's compliment, as if light brown is a shade of yellow. i didn't get out the paints and mix colors to see what it truly is. but that would be fun. but the purple color does feel like it compliments.

another touch of compliment

more complimentary color....

i can't stop seeing it! i need to photo my teabag now!

and i edited, i swear! it's just such an abundant experience, i had.