nourishing and healing

NETTLES. one of the most nourishing, restorative plants. this symbolizes to me so many ideas, and inspirations. the nettles sting you if you touch them so that their tiny hairs penetrate your skin. you can however hold them in a way that the hairs lay flat against your skin and then don't sting you. what does this mean to me? not sure right now, but it's cool. pay attention. and then , the sting is actually healing for arthritic pains and such. a little pain, a little gain?

but eating them, and making tea from them is how i get my nourishment from them. they are full of minerals and protein. they are also one of the best remedies fro seasonal allergies. how cool is that? the allergies that some of us get, which i see as us being a little too sensitive to life, in a way, can be soothed and calmed with nettles. nettles can teach us how to roll with life. we become stronger and less defensive with nettles. stronger, and less defensive!

i recently had a psychic type reading with a woman who really freaked me out. i've had a hard time getting the fact that..... she is not god , through my head. i went just to see what she had to say to me, i had no real questions or concerns. so i listened as she spewed, and i have been a wreck ever since. it's been 3 weeks or so. i am thinking about this experience and nettles, because i am being asked to stand up for myself and say, whoa there horsey, i know which way i am going, thank you very much. your input was asked for, i admit it, but since it is not particularly jiving with my heartfelt wisdom, i am going to say 'no thank you.' why this is hard for me has something to do with my personality type. i have a challenging time with authority figures. i have a tendency to either treat them like an all-knowing god, or shun and rebel against them as idiots who don't have a clue. in between, i know there is such a thing. this woman also told me that nettles would be very good me. OK, yes, this is true. i can feel that. but some of this other stuff, UH-UH. so there's my in between. finding my backbone has been a task. i love it, yes i do, the feeling of knowing who i am, and what is right for me. only i can know this. i don't care if you are the grandest psychic in all the universe, you just can't know me like i know myself. i am going to go home and plant some sunflower seeds to put this backbone growth into prayer and action.

in the mean time, here are some sweet pink flowers, to remind me of the sweetness and gentleness that can accompany a strong backbone.

and some sweet, peaceful, contemplating deer outside our home.


oh, and a firey tulip, just rained on, but still strong and burning bright, to remind me that my internal fire may have been dampened a bit by the challenge of this authority, but it is still blazing and beautiful, and it's roots have grown deeper because of this dampening. it was a good thing, in the end.

what am i doing?

purging. this is not a defineable place, but i often come here to purge. if anyone is ever going to want to share in my purging, i'm not sure, and i don't really care when it comes down to it. i had this vision of blogging being an activity where i showed only the beauty of my life and my creative endeavors, but maybe my challenges are a part of the beauty?

there are so many challenges, and i don't like to focus on them, but they are here and i must deal with them. there is no way around them, but through. straight through. an arrow with intention. today, D and i had couples therapy and it is not fun to go into an issue that we know raises our blood pressure. but what choice do we have? we can go through it, and let the pressure rise and fall, or we can ignore it until we completely explode and demolish. i tried to ignore things for long enough, that we came within seconds of complete demolition last summer, before an angel on the ethereal bomb squad saved our butts and snipped the right wire, leaving us alive and together. so now we do our work, and we turn it in on time. it's hard hard hard work. but the pay off is good good good stuff.



the other bit of purging i am in need of is of all the crappy crappy shitty fuckin thoughts i watch come over my screen, like commercials for stephen king stories, or previews for terms of endearment type movies. my mind creates these tortuous viewings for me to witness all day long, and sometimes all night in the dream world. a friend recently suggested i let them out, share them with people i can talk to. just don't keep them in, and maybe they won't have such a hold over me. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, who would want to hear about these morbid thoughts, i wonder. who? she said she would, just to help me get them out. what a good friend.

kind of like this new kitty we have. just an empathetic soul, that will meet your eyes with pure witnessing energy. nothing else. nothing but listening and watching.

this is my space to blast my thoughts out when i feel the need, to the ethereal internet angels who read and acknowledge and help me in my efforts to move on through.

i picture them kind of like this. sadly, and humorously, the song living on prayer , (bon jovi?) was just blasting here at the trident, and i 'm wondering if i'm being too cheesy myself. but whatever. i really picture them like this, taking in all my problems and challenges, hearing them, and assisting me in processing and purging them. they even drink tea while they do this, as i do.

thank you ethereal friends. i dig your support. i still need and use my friends here in this realm, but today it was you guys that helped.

protection

i have no interest in, and will not be hurt anymore in the ways i have allowed. i have the ability to protect myself from repeated pain. like the turtle, i have a mother-strong shell, which i will use more and more. this wound will not be poked at again. i know what hurts me, and i am walking away. gone. no more. this is about me, and knowing myself. taking care of myself, so that i may be a strong wise woman, a strong friend and wife, a nurturing and confident mother, a loyal sister, a joyful earthwalker. i will walk away from my addictions to pain, and i will still feel alive. i will not, hear me, will not be sucked in by the lull of the calling to come and receive my regular dose of pain. i have shields. they will be all i show the giver of that pain. i have powerful powerful shields.
i will listen to the music that heals.

mama (pronounced MAWMAW)

i am feeling you so much today. is it because the sun is shining again after 4 days of a snowy icy spring freeze, and i know you enjoyed the flowers and beauty and miracle of spring like i do? are you actually closer today? i haven't felt you this close since before you died. it's felt like you've been VERY far away since then, until today. i've heard your words coming through a few times, but i haven't actually felt you like i am today. mmmmmm, it feels so good to be with you. our peace and depth, there's nothing else in the world like it. i channel it through to my kids, my husband, my best friends, random people in the world that are open to it, and now i am feeling like thanking you for teaching me this way, of hanging out in my skin. in the still still place of heatherness, just like you hung out in the still still place of mawmawness every time i ever saw you. i could count on you to be just exactly who you are....i never had to wonder if you'd show up, or if you'd be distracted. you always showed up, rain or shine, tears or laughter, naughty gossiping or christian southern politeness. you were so yourself. THANK YOU mama, for being my mama. for being the most amazing grandmother a girl could EVER
EVER
EVER
EVER
want. tears are coming from the feeling of luck that i struck gold in landing into your family. i love you so much. i feel you today, and it is awesome. so, since you loved fabric like i do, do you want to see some things i made recently?........















the top picture is just some trim i added to a dress from target, and i love it. and the pillow behind me with the elephants, i made it too. and then i made this apron for a friend who ordered two for the coffe shop she works at. it looks pretty cute i think. becca modeled it for me since my belly is way to big to wear this kind of apron right now. i'm pleased with it. i have the other one started. it's gonna be a little simpler, for the girl who's having a mellow kind of day, and needs a more monotone apron. but still super cute. you'll see.

sadness in letting friends go, happiness in saying hello to the ones that are here

for some reason, sometimes, relationships kind-of end. analyzing why seems like it would just be a mental exercise, which i need not to partake in. but acknowledging the feelings that come around the loss, so that they can be set free is what i will do. it's a sadness for the lost potential. a sadness for the dream that had to die. a longing for the hearts we were once close to, that are no longer available. a lot of 'i don't understand what went so wrong.' that one's getting close to the mental exercise that i am being diligent to stay away from. my mental facilities are very well exercised, and need a rest. it's a feeling of wanting to share with the friends we once had, every little thing that happens, and the sweet desire to know all the little happenings in their lives. it's really like a death occurred. because when that urge comes up to share, or ask, i can only feel it pulse through my veins until it dies. i cannot reach out, because i will not be met. i will only feel the loss pulsing, and then get stuck for days in my heart, and usually in my head too. the thoughts become unbearable. the sadness covers me. oh well, i say finally. and find some fresh air, and scootch along. slowly but surely, i am healing from this grief............... and i begin to revel in the relationships that are real and alive, pulsing through my body, being met by another strong and bright-eyed friend, feeding my heart and soul, like a flower to a hummingbird...... mmmmmmmmm. i learn to shift my focus, and i relax.

nature just does her thing

i am noticing a lot of nature photographs popping up here on this b-log. nature, what is nature, really? some things are effortless, just happen naturally, and that seems to be where i lean in looking to define nature. as in, the true nature of our spirits, as opposed to our minds. the minds seem to require so much effort. when i can free myself from its grip, i am feeling much more easy and natural. art is natural. dance, play, inspired conversation, love, contemplation. like this falcon in the picture. she is doing what comes naturally. observing the world from her nest above the hiking trail i frequent. i just want to do what comes naturally in each moment. and drop the judgment around it all. i highly doubt this falcon is judging herself for sitting there doing her thing. my thing, your thing, his thing, her thing, the cat's thing, the bird's thing.....they're all different, and perfectly so.

learning to take the country road

taking the old, slow, dirt back roads. this is something i've been striving to do for so long now. like, enjoy a bath, just for the simple exhilarating peace and pleasure of a hot bath. i mean, actually being able to soak and be soothed, instead of it being just another place to let my mind race. i was a little bit wound up for a few years there. ummmmm, all i can say is i am so fucking grateful to be finding myself having these simple, natural, experiences again. thank you everyone who has been here for me these past few years, through the births and deaths, the life challenges that have thrown me off the planet. thank you.

thank you. thank you. thank you. THANK YOU.