exposing my roots

something strikes me as so vulnerable and exposed about these roots. and yet, they are hardened and strong enough to handle hundreds of hikers pounding feet every day. it is scary for me to expose myself. even when i know nothing can hurt me, i am hesitant to reveal. it just doesn't come easily, or quickly. but i look at these roots and realize they are exposed, yes, but they aren't the least bit concerned about their exposure. they have adapted. it took time for them to gain the strength and hard coating that allows them to stay exposed. roots. putting my roots down, and they don't always have to be out of sight. concealment isn't necessary. so what roots do i have exposed, that are perfectly safe that way, yet have been challenging for me to allow to be seen? oh lordy, that could take hours.
playing . just playing. and starting to feel better. woohoo!

not sure about this....

my kids love this pooh bear book. and i'm ok with most of it, but this one story in it, about not talking to strangers has me scratching my head. and for some reason, this is zhi's favorite right now. i always avoided this one before, but a babysitter recently read it to them, and now it's a hit. my hang up is that i don't want them out in the world feeling as if everyone they don't know, is a "STRANGER". and then feeling like they can't say hi or go up to someone when we're sitting at a cafe, or playing at a park. i think i'm being paranoid though. so far, they have not translated this concept out into our outings. this concept seems like it's for older kids. alright, i'm not gonna worry about it anymore. and just hope their infatuation with the story fades soon.

i have had the flu. that's what this awful sickness has been, i'm starting to realize, now that it's gotten a hold of me. only the flu lays me up in bed for days. it's kind of nice that d's parents have been here while i've been so sick..lots of extra help with the kids. but it also means all the solo creative time i was looking forward to, turned into solo sick time. not so fun. but, what can i do?

make this shirt. i whipped it up in 20 minutes, and am wearing it now. feels fresh, that's what i was going for. but it didn't take the flu away. just a little high for a while at having a new shirt.



i am hoping that this evening, our last with d's parents is mellow and fun. i hope i am alert and awake enough to enjoy the whole family being together. kind of like how their visit started out, before i had to retire to the bed.........

healing and bells

hello. this is my girl, sad and sick. this is sort-of how we've all been feeling for this past week. both kids are over the hump (crossed fingers), and now david and i are in the thick of it. i would have been smart to expect i'd get it, after three sleepless nights with a feverish zhi, and randomly max had severe foot cramps, and then ear pain that was keeping him and david awake. we played a lot of musical beds this week. it was heavenly the first night after zhi broke the fever and slept with out thrashing and freaking. but i still couldn't sleep myself. finally last night i fell into slumber, even amidst my very stuffed nose. so now i'm sick, but sleeping. i don't know which i prefer. i think this way. lack of sleep is craziness. this past week was worse for sleep than when either child was a newborn. this was a bitch cold. since i can't cuss in front of the kids, and i really like to use those forbidden words, i have decided i can use them here. oooooh, i'm scared i'm gonna get in trouble somehow. can i really be allowed to say fuck whenever i want here? heavenly. it's definitely not always with negativity that i want to say fuck!

now, bells. i don't know what's drawing me to bells right now, but i'm gonna follow my nose. these in the picture below are on our front patio.

well, after reading this site i am staring to understand why i'm into bells right now. scroll down to the bottom of that page link, and look at the bell the monk is about to ring with the huge wooden log. mmmmmmmm, i would really love to ring that bell. i think we're gonna get a lot of bells together, meaning a lot of homemade gongable things, and have a good ol' time on march 21st! how timely this little fascination is! anybody wanna join us? i think we'll be all healed up by then. fresh and ready to ring and gong for peace. i'll be holding this image in my heart.

little rock love

(the present i put together, with zhi's help, for my sister's 24th birthday. it's on the way to portland, oregon. i love you, claire. you're the awesomest gal i know!)

i am from little rock, arkansas. it used to be that when i was in little rock, either physically, or just by feeling, i would feel like the most whole, safe, loved version of myself. it's a little different now that my dad and grandma are dead. i really used to think that it was all about little rock, that special feeling i got when i was there. but i have found when i've gone back, now that they're both gone, this feeling is not so easy to find. i can muster it up, but it comes from pretty deep within, actually. it is mostly the feeling of being loved, A LOT. i LOVE this feeling. when i am not feeling it, i am not all of me. this knowing of who i am, was a gift these 2 people gave me, mostly my grandmother. my dad occasionally had words that came very close to giving me the undoubting feeling of being loved. his actions, however, lacked a little. my mawmaw, though, this lady LOVED me, and i could feel it, i knew it. i've never known anything like it. until i met my husband. what a fucking gift! love. it really is all you need. with all the spiritual, healing work i've done, the one true thing i've learned is that when i am resourced and whole, acknowledging and accepting (meaning absolutely no judgment on myself whatsoever) all parts of myself, light and shadow, i am capable of confidence and radiance. i am capable of showing up, dropping the shyness, the fear, and allowing my true self to be shared..... seen. and now i'm seeing that a really quick short-cut to that whole, resourced, place is through the feeling, the knowing, that i am really fucking lovable. i mean, i can know this. it doesn't mean every one in my life has to feel this way about me, but therefore no one can take this knowing away either. it is something i know about myself. if someone can't see it, or feel it, that's kind-of none of my business. there are so many reasons why we shut down to others, why we withhold our own love from them, it's just too much to even ponder why someone may not share their love. my grandmother *shared* her love. this is a gift i know not all children get, and i feel VERY lucky to have received this gift.to learn this feeling through the eyes of someone else is so easy in a way, compared to the other way of learning it, which is in a sense, through faith in yourself. sometimes i've forgotten (sometimes?) that i'm loved, and the thorny path back to it, through the brambles of my internal critic, has been the hardest trek EVER. just a quick look into mawmaw's eyes, and i'm all set. mmmmmmmmmmm. i want a tattoo to remind me of this. now i understand why people get those tattoos with someone's name in a heart, and the ribbon all around it. when i am saturated with this feeling of being really fucking lovable, i don't care what anyone else thinks. oh my god, do you have any idea how nice this is? how free it feels?
here's to remembering that we are lovable. WE ARE LOVABLE. LOVE-ABLE.

a raft!

a raft is what i need, more than the ability to swim. so cool that i just learned this, the night after writing this. sometimes, i seriously go about things the hardest way possible. ( i am not understanding the link feature right now, i only intended to link the word 'this' up above.)

i heard about the raft idea from a papaji satsang video i just bought. (i can't get the underlining thing to stop.) we will get so tired, so quickly, if we try and swim our way across the ocean of ego and suffering. papaji said satsang is the raft. to me, satsang is truth, art, being in the moment . this lesson was such a gift, and so beautifully timed for my little soul's work.


this is my 'raft' right now, seeing as i live in the mountains of colorado. (this cushion might actually float, though.) i recovered this patio chair, with some beautiful fabric and trim, and it is so much prettier now, as opposed to the old, dingy, grayed and stained cream fabric it was covered with. i really just sewed this new pretty stuff right on top of the old . my point here? a pretty raft is much more fun and lovely for the long journey over the ocean, than an ugly one. but really, any raft is better than swimming the whole darn sea. just float, baby. float and feel the light shining all over you.

soak it in

cassie, the lady cat. keeps her cool. knows when to hide, and when to play. isn't super cuddly, but loves to lay by my feet when i finally settle into bed at night. ready to play at the drop of a shoelace, or an apron tie. beautiful and graceful, darting and whimsical. tiny, and sensitive. i want to be like her. maybe i am a little bit. but i haven't gotten the chance to see her as a mother. i would love to observe a beautiful and loving mama cat with her babies. i would love to see how she handles their incessant needs. i can already picture that she would just get up and walk away when she's had enough. her boundaries would be as clear as her love and care. maybe even more so. and the babies wouldn't even question it. they would whine at first when she takes her space, but then, after not too long, it would all be understood. no questioning occurs. she returns after she's gotten her space, and licks all over them. licks and licks and licks. and then she settles in, and feeds them, so naturally. she is ready. she doesn't worry for a minute about their well-being when she's away. she knows they are fine. she doesn't worry about the state of her house, its cleanliness, or tidiness. what's done is done, what's not....will be some day. what matters is that she is clean, sunned, and well-fed. before and after that, her babes.
cassie stands on a rock, beside her spiral totem pole. she is grounded, and spiraling out at the same time. all while being embraced and shielded from behind by the spruce shrub angel. she is not rushed, and takes her time observing what's going on around her.

and here's...a john lennon protege........
someone is over-the-top cute. the boy who is home right now, instead of school, because he was up all night coughing. the boy, who as i was leaving for my mama cat solo time, was telling his dad to be paul mccartney, and he will be john lennon. they were still deciding if zhi was gonna be george or ringo. the boy who just yesterday began insisting for the first time that he ride his trike with NO help, no one push, no one steer. anyone who knows this boy knows what a big deal this is.
now,time for mama cat to go home, and lick and feed and play with her babes...and time for papa cat to go out in the world and do his thing.

the flip side

i am finding it funny (how nice to be back in a humorous place) that just one post after my self love, self pride day, i am in fear and struggling to find the courage to not only love myself, but find myself. that's the flip side, that my oh so wise teacher told me about, recently. it's always there, ready to make sure you're aware of it. yep. just like the moon, there's almost always a really bright part, but also, ALWAYS a really dark part. i really can choose where i go, though. that's what keeps getting me. some part of me feels like i am at the mercy of the tides, like i forgot how to swim and go to shore when i'm not having a good dip anymore. i can swim!