boo

gonna maybe open this up again...

wow

rebirthing is happening

so.  i am closing these blogs once again.  don't ask.  it's just what i need to do to get myself a clean slate.  

weird of course.  

i plan to start another one.  of course.  and when i do, i will email all my friends who i have connected with through blogging, to give you the new address.  so if you are interested in that email, in the nearish (?) future, please email me so i can let you know the new blog's address.

much much wild love and light and shadow refuge in yummy macaroni,

h

not so many words.....tons of thoughts, barely graspable,  gestating or something


photos though, i have those



i have heart



bigger baby boy

bigger and bigger

:::::::

a new shirt, made in the slinkiest knit

sewing with knits, well, making these simple shirts from the built by wendy pattern book for knits, is a new joy



simple as can be, but makes me happy



sewed leonard a hanging chair for his little outdoor hut
he lives outside now
huge development
he seems suited for it


::::::::

i am working on patience

soulful self gestation is a fucking process

wondering wondering, what is going on in this cocoon....what kind of wings am i going to grow?

bat wings would be cool

what colors are coming through this transformation?

black for now, and purple, and orange

will i survive?

hibernating gestating cocooning retreating transforming

down down down down

yet up up up up

dizzy nauseous

scared

strong

just me in my cocoon

:::::::

my tea bag last night said when we rest in the unknown, the known becomes more peaceful



yeah, that

exactly that



::::::::

i just discovered this guy,  cary tennis,  in the sun's june issue that i just found the other day at home, and hadn't read yet.... i am in love with him and his words, kinda like a boy dear sugar




love.

kindnesses

a friend through this blog sent me these beautiful gifts last week.  totally made my day, and then the days following have been lifted again and again by this cowl especially.  i really seem to want my neck warm lately.

friend, doesn't have a blog, that i know of anyways, but her name is robin, and she's been so nice to comment to me a lot, and came over to my in between blogs that i've been sharing at since i left here in may...


her talented son made the tree necklace and the tree magnet.  so perfect for me right now.  thank you robin, and your son, again and again.  thank you so much for this kindness.



a daughter friend named olive gave me this beautiful artwork below a few weeks ago.  i knew right away it was a framer.  i had this frame i'd thrifted and it had a very old photo of a woman in it, actually, i got it at an estate sale i think.  for 1 dollar.  i just got around to using it for the first time for something of my own.  i had never taken a really old frame apart before.  that's a project in and of itself.  took at least 20 minutes to get it open, and then 10 to put it back together.  all a wash.  i love it.  it is so cool, and fits this artwork so well.  our kitchen is feeling fresher and lighter now.  yay.




just below olive's artwork, is zhi's, from the same age.  age 5.  the figures make me so happy right next to each other.  i wish i'd have zoomed in more on zhi's now.  it is crazy cool too.




so yeah.  kindnesses on this election day.  a friend reminded me of the importance of kindnesses this morning, from each party to the other, no matter who wins.  i've been thinking on that all day, feeling like i can breathe a little easier with that reminder.


i love being back here.  didn't expect this would happen.  just following my heart.  love....

hi

i keep seeing the word macaroni and feeling a heart tug from this place whenever i do.....

so i opened it up today and i'm wondering if i might play here again now.....

loveu loveu loveu.

animal

i'm actually not ready to write anything on the bees.  i am such a novice!!  watching and learning.  making mistakes and learning.  it's got me kind of flustered today actually.  we got a swarm for the hive that died over winter 9 days ago.  i think it's not gonna make it.  they are not acting normally.  not building comb, many many many are dying.  i fed them and they are not really eating it.  i've been here in this process of starting a new hive twice before and i've not seen behavior like this yet.  i don't know.  waiting to hear from my teacher what this behavior could be about.  i felt the day after we put them in the hive, that they'd been sprayed.  i just had a strong feeling,intuition or something, about it.  their behavior seemed so sporadic and neurologically impaired to me.  wah.

so i'm gonna wait on inspiration and time i guess to continue with that topic.

i had such great inspiration from the class david and i took 2 weeks ago though.

i learned to harvest pollen from the combs that i saved from the hive that died.

i learned a lot more on the philosophy and thinkings behind this way of keeping bees.  bee guardianship.  that's where the inspiration came from.  listening to this bee master share his knowledge was FUN.

that's all i can say for now.  lame.  sorry.

i'm having a low day.  feeling strong depression today.  woohoo!

so let's look at my new thrifty score.




nice huh?  dkny dress in petite.  couple dollars of fun.  with my only skinny belt.


i went on a walk with my neighbor the other day, my neighbor who was in my women's group with me that i left.  we seem to be cool again.  that is because i let time do her thing.  and i let my heart do her thing.  here are some photos from our walk:


nature.

you know i am nature just as much as those animals are.  i like to remind myself of that as much as i can remember to.  i am an animal.  my therapist actually reminded me of this a few months ago and it's been a saving thought i've brought myself to again and again since.  relating to others, animal to animal.  species shmeecies.  just animal to animal.

oh my god.  i feel like my brain has been sprayed today.  i've been watching the sick(?) bees on and off all morning and it's affected me i think.  deep breath.  there's nothing really i can do.  that helps me to remember that.  i've done all i know to do.  if there is more i can do, i will learn it.  so in the mean time, i can rest the brain.  but will i?  that is the question.

there is no comparison

zhi turned me onto ABBA the other day.  last friday afternoon to be exact.  i walk into the movie room, and the kids are all watching the honey honey video.  how cool were those people!  zhi has officially entered the age of loving music videos.  she told me at school, they were checking out some chipmunk videos, and then their teacher decided to get in on it, and showed them the honey honey song.  they study bees and insects a lot, and honey is a theme.  how have i never gotten into ABBA though?  that is weird.  they were so slick and hip i think.  (below, she has just given her rats a bath in the bathroom sink, and is carrying them around in a towel while they dry.  i have declared the bathroom sink no longer the place for rat baths.  a ton of poops were left all over the place.  we also just watched a youtube video on how to introduce your rats to water.  i think she threw them in a little too abruptly and they got scared.  baby steps we are learning, are what these animals want when learning how to be around big bodies of water.)



max asked me yesterday if i'd like to be a taxi driver, to make money while i drive so much.  i've noticed him thinking on things i could do for a job lately.  very interesting.   is there a job knocking on my door or something?  those kids are so tuned in.  i wonder if he's hearing something that i'm not?



olive was telling me recently all about booboo yoogoo,  who is baba yaga's child.  i was so amused.  i texted david cuz i thought it was so funny of her to name baba yaga's child that.  well, it turns out, david made that up, one night, for part of a bed time story.  it's still very funny to me.  especially to hear olive spin and spin the tale, and to say booboo yoogoo over and over.  leonard got tagged as booboo yoogoo during the story.  sweet guy was very willing to play the part.  i'm thinking that might become a nickname of his.



olive was very proud of her hair~do this day.  she stood in front of the mirror for a long time, working and reworking the clips, until she got it just right.  she then wore it like that for a few days.  feeling and acting glamorous.







she owns glamour.  barefoot wild and free glamour.  how inspiring.


after my last post, i had this strong experience of jealousy over another woman.  i don't even know her, but from my perspective, from afar at the playground, she seemed perfect.  like the person i'd be if i weren't so f'd up and challenged at every turn it seems.  it was so painful to sit there trying to knit, having to listen to the internal chatter about how she is better than me.  what's so disturbing is i know nothing about this lady, other than what she seemed like at the playground that day.  i seem to be on the lookout for ways to berate myself!  i guess i would have been smart to just close my eyes.   i then later in the afternoon, met up with some other trident going moms, and chatted for a bit.  one of them shared a profound gleaning she'd had recently in relation to feeling less worthy than another woman.  i didn't even bring the topic up.  she did this all on her own.  so weird!   she said she'd been struggling with looking at how she measured up to this other person.  and then, suddenly, at some point in her struggle, a clear voice came through her, that said, 'there is no comparison.'  she said it stopped her in her tracks.  it spoke so directly clearly and deeply to her that she said since, she has not struggled one bit.  she now is able to hold onto the knowing she has of herself as a strong beautiful worthy woman and stops there.  no comparing.  i was so in love with her sharing of that.  it felt like powerful healing medicine, so of course i want to share it.   my mind wants to travel around the world comparing sometimes.  i'm over it!!  or i want to be.  the words, 'there is no comparison', feel so accurate and True to me, i just want to say them like a mantra to myself when i find myself boarding the plane that takes me to tanzania and back, checking out how i either do or don't measure up to other women in the world.  what a waste of time for one!  and what a cruel thing to do to myself, and others,  for two!  if i'm going to go to tanzania, i want to enjoy the trip!  i want to simply notice.  notice.  notice.  not compare.  'which one is different and does not belong?'  ani's line there pops into my head often these days.  so here's to a new mantra.  and a sweet friend who shared it with me.    one more thing on this:  i don't feel that the words there is no comparison, mean it in the way the saying does.  it's not that 'i am clearly better, so there's no comparison', it's there is nothing to compare here.  you cannot compare people like this.  we are too different for it to be relevant.  we are to be taken as is, not as compared to another.   as is.  (as is)

here's a nice little interview with ani that i just stumbled onto.

and so.  yeah.  what else to say here with these fifteen more minutes i have this morning till it's time to pick max up from a reading lesson, take him to pick up orca batteries (they give people free hearing aid batteries at the center where he goes for his hearing tests and ear molds.  we just go in every few months and they give us 24 more for free each time.  that is cool.), and then perhaps go on a therapy walk where we practice walking with the heel toe pattern a bit before lunch and then his afternoon school session.  i spend a lot of time with that boy.  i feel lucky for the most part, when i am not feeling either guilty that i can't spend as much time with the middle child because her school days are full day (olive is only in preschool two days a week), his are just three hours, and when i am not feeling the need to put on my noise canceler headphones because sometimes the nonstop talking takes me into this weirdly crazy place inside myself.  lucky.  this is just how it is.  this boy has many many unusual needs.  this is what our life looks like, taking care of him in the best way we know how.  i am so lucky as his mama to be able to take him to all the therapies and lessons i do.  crazy lucky to have these resources.  to have a child like him and not be able to get help, i can barely take the pain of that thought.  there are many conversations about roosters and eagles, rottweilers, and cerberuses we have through out the day.  often the same ones, many times.   he can't run like the other kids you know, and his teacher told me something so uplifting last week at a meeting we had.  they play capture the flag during their breaks lately, their recess time.  max loves to play whatever the other boys are playing.  even if he has no idea what they are playing, he will just jump in and run around just to be feeling like he's a part of the game.  yeah.  well, his teacher decided it was time to help him learn the rules.  he took them in after a few days of digesting what all the words meant.  territory was a new one for him.  whose territory are you in?  he then played properly for a few days and i guess was falling down a lot.  well, he stormed into his school after getting fed up with falling, walked into the principal's office, and declared to her very matter of factly, that he 'was done falling down in capture the flag!'  his teacher reported to me that he really did stop falling after that.  something about that story makes my heart so happy.  that he has it within him to make a decision to stop doing something that is very hard to stop, and then to do it.  it's kind of a miracle.  his other reading teacher told me last week it seems his eyes are losing focus a lot again.  i might be taxiing us out to denver again weekly for the vision therapy i'm guessing.  maybe he needs a refresher course.  remind those eyes what they need to be doing.  oh this boy.  he has to work so so very hard to walk talk hear see think relate.  it is perhaps the most inspiring thing in my life.  how cheerfully, for the most part,  he does what he does.  and i get to be with him for most of it.  that is lucky.  that is the best way to look at it.  what he does not have to work hard it is imagining.  that is amazingly lucky.  his inner life is so rich most of us can't even fathom the plethora of good deep goings on in there.  yay for that.  an elder friend told me last week, when i was worrying for him and his challenges with social connections, that he is gonna be served immensely by this rich inner world as an adult.  that it may interfere a bit, ok, a lot, with his relations now as a kid, but that as an adult, it's gonna serve him hugely.  soothe me with words like that please anytime.



it's interesting to me that i am going on about max on this post following the words about comparing being a waste of time.  i'd say sometimes i suffer more from falling into comparing him with other boys, than i do when i compare myself to other women.  for sure.  so this is big for me, this lesson, this work and practice on not comparing.  for him.  for the way i want to accurately see him and hold him in my vision.  and heart.  for just WHO HE IS.  even with a child without any extra challenges, it can be hard to do that.   max is max.  he is a lucky vibrant creative child living a very unique life.  i am me.  i am a blessed wickedly spiritual wild woman with buckets of love and happiness at my every turn if i choose.

alright.  that was fun.  sort-of.

now i am going to post this, and move on to writing on the bees.