shit fuck fucking shit piss piss piss fuck all of you.

no not you. just some generic you that feels ok and good to say fuck off to. i need to cuss! fuck fuck fuck. if i had a friend here with me right now, i'd let her hear it, but that's not what's happening. nope, i'm all alone with the laptop. so what else can i do?

fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

ok. little bit better. uuuuugh. such a challenging day. so much anger at how hard it is to hold steady, and stay happy. the staying happy part especially. it's ok. it was just a sucky morning with fighting kids, whining kids, self-absorbed kids, and therefore a pissed off mom. hmmmmmm.

i have been told to look into what is pissing me off so royally. to see what it is on the microcosmic level, and to then expand it out so i can see it in the biggest-picture-sense. it's the bigger picture that is going to help me evolve this pattern of anger/depression.

ok. the main thing that comes up, is i am PISSED at how hard this all is. and then i immediately feel guilty. guilty for even reveling in my anger at how hard my sweet blessed charmed fucking life is. something is so wrong that it's this hard to even feel like it's okay to say it's so hard. someone. help me out. and it's not always like this. just some days suck. i suck somedays. the kids suck some days. there. fuck you.

guilt again for feeling angry. fuck!

i wish i had a friend here who could talk back to me. hey. i bet somebody might. if all my cussing doesn't turn you all away. if it does. fuck you!

haaahaa

i just breathed.

i might not have been breathing at all today.

that's a lie. there were some good moments in the day. like when max was telling a story outloud, and we were actually all (me and the girls) listening and totally enjoying it. i was feeling really really grateful for this little (big) habit of his to tell stories, like in a stream of consciousness sort of way, this afternoon. it was such a relief to have some random creative thoughts to listen to, instead of my crazed head talk saying, 'clean. you lazy ass. clean. cook. be nice. don't yell. be perfect! if you fuck up, you're gonna have to pay for it. you have no room for mistakes, girl. efficiency efficiency efficiency.' that's the word that makes me want to throw up. what would happen if i slowed down? i really want to know. like in a habitual sort of way. not in a take~three~days~off~to~go~to~the~hot~springs type of slow down, not that that type is not very cool, but i mean a daily/hourly type of slow down? i really feel like our life would fall apart. our house would be disgusting. the lessons and appointments and activities would not happen so much. whatever. i don't know. anyways. max was saying in his story that he worked at blue streak cafe. because it was in a place where there were lots of blue macaws, and they pooped blue, so there were blue streaks everywhere.

i'm in love. please don't ever change. he is the most refreshing person in the world sometimes. so is his dad. and his sister. and his other sister. his flavor of refreshing is so unique though. so outstandingly unique. and it's funny that i'm saying this, because it is also his flavor of annoying that is particularly maddening also, and part of the reason i'm telling some generic fucker to fuck off.

ok. here are some pictures from moments in recent days that did not suck ass.

actually first, here is me. today.

i cleaned this mirror for the self. in a break in from feeling over-the-top-shitty, and just feeling mildly shitty, i was drawn to sit there and take photos of myself.

a smile cuz max was cracking me up.

i am glad i cleaned the mirror. any type of cleaning makes me feel a little bit better in some way when i feel smothered in shit.

oh. and we went swimming yesterday, only to get out after 60 seconds cuz zhi spotted a poop right on the bottom of the pool. we went and saw the pooh movie instead. but still. i can't escape the shit storm. everywhere i go. it's just a phase. right?

right.

made his pillowcase. french seams. thought of my grandma who taught me to sew french seams.

breathing. still forgetting to breathe as flickr takes too long to upload. fuck that! fuck fuck fuck. not done cussing yet. cussing through my happy photos even.

i really just need to breathe. it is clear.

when i'm not raging pissed these days, we've been having fun with this awesomely~summery song....

bigger picture. what is the goddamn goddessshit bigger picture? what what what?

make it easy for me. come on. come on over over. come on over we're having a party for you.....

it's zhi's birthday week. i am ready to let all this shit go and just have fun with my girl. she loves this song. olive said about it 'mom, they said the kitchen said something. kitchens can't talk!'

love. to have a party, literally and metaphorically, i have to get out of the shit. i want out!!!

out. getting out. and clean that goddamn pool!

spicy plant love

i've recently started getting into suduko. i am wondering if i need to balance it out with the crossword. the numbers are making me feel sort-of anal.

and you give yourself away. with or without you........ ha! that's what's being pumped into the air waves right now. this whole green thread thing is starting to bug me. i'm gonna sew with it cuz i love the work going on inside myself, but i don't want to talk about it anymore. so i will just show you some stitches when i feel like it. not today!!

i had some mighty fine dancing come over me the other night. mighty fine very enjoyable dancing come over me. oh it was bliss. the right song is what it's all about. the right song is medicine. and it's not the cure (the band, i mean) right now. which is what just came on. oh! they just turned it off! right as i wrote that. now it's arrested development. totally fine. i can take this in. mr. wimble. oh it's mr. wendal. i always thought it was wimble. ha. wow. i haven't heard that since 1997.

aphrodite, i love you. i read about you during a lot of my goddess weekend away to the hot springs. along with some of the other greek goddesses. i was nourished with reading about goddess archetypes. i see girls and women a little bit differently now. it feels good. different in a more informed fresh way. and aphrodite, i wasn't able to dance like you told me too over the past two weeks. but after two weeks, i found the dance. it took so long to get the dance to come out. but you know what, i am just happy it did. i feel like if i hadn't asked for it to, it wouldn't have come at all. i am okay with tardiness. are you?

a: i am totally fine with that, heather.

the zinnias are all ready for transplanting. maybe tomorrow. a little divine childlike humor and laughter flower essence will be made from them, fo sho.

clear me with artemisia. learning about artemis. seeing her so much in my zhi child. slightly tomboyish, brave, independent, focused, determined, and divinely at home and enamored in and with the wild. i wonder why this herb is called artemisia. gathering it around our home is always a thing i love to do. burning it once it's dried is too. lots of sage still needed around us lately. for some holy reason, i am not totally sure of. i've been asking to clear and heal, so, i guess that would make a lot of sense, actually.

and the newest wild food for us to be nibbling on is thimbleberry. so funny. and seedy. the chickens adore it. we aren't as into it as them. but i do find it magical in small bits. it is sweet.

the kids also freak about getting to eat the prickly pear flowers. but of course they have to slow down, way down, to go near it and not get poked while picking the petals, after asking for permission from the flower, of course. one flower clearly told us no on this walk up to a neighbor's house for a therapeutic chai tea party. the kids were very respectful, when i told them i heard a strong no. they totally got it, and didn't question why. i loved that.

yes. we have some indian neighbors who offered the neighborhood a chai lesson tea party. how incredible.

the nutmeg/mace plant is one of the most magical plants i've ever seen smelled tasted. she brings the mace back from her trips to india. lovely.

she grows her lemon grass in a pot in her house.

we all got to smell and touch the different spices that go into making chai.

she crushes her ginger with a stone.

warms the milk, raw milk. yay.

neighbors all want to help in any way. so many hands.

we sip and taste.

totally divine.

i love chai. and this was the best ever.

here's a little not so wholesome stuff happening, too. watching junk on the internet.....yep.


and then the bees. on hot days, they do this:

bearding. a new thing i learned about, after panicking that something had gone pretty wrong in the hive. ha. just how they cool down in the summer.

want music. lots and lots of music please.

ok. the new bon iver makes me happy. the song towers just really did it for me. loud.

a weekend away with just me and a girlfriend. we went to some more hot springs. swam and relaxed for 3 days. can you believe it? it was fun. i am refreshed. i came home and cleaned house. fresh eyes. fresh soul feeling. gratitude. up the butt.

a little later:

the new gillian welch is making me even happier.

and a little later:

zhi waiting patiently, and then putting her ipod on the stereo with breakestra makes me even happier. she asked me today what my favorite kind of music is. i said usually folky stuff. i asked her what her favorite kind was. she said funk. and then asked what the beatles kind of music is. i said rock and roll mostly. she said funk and rock and roll. that made me happy too. i caught her recently with headphones on, finger knitting, looking so satisfied. so cute. gives me a heart orgasm. this breakestra video might just get me dancing. oh yeah. i want that! i want to put some plad pants on and a tight tank top, and have that.

watching true blood last night, this version of a damien rice song came on at the end of the show. i am loving it. repeat please. as loud as possible. maybe alternating with this version too. and then this one. love how they get into it. hardcore. i want some glasses like hers. soon. i need songs like that. loud.

someone i knew and loved a lot died 9 days ago. death changes us. in so many ways. rock. rocked. sad. loving. connecting. sad. appreciating his life. so soso SO SO SO much.

it's been raining a lot here lately. flooding even. four and five foot surges of water going around the creeks in our area. lots and lots of rain.

a little sewing with the green thread has occurred. it feels very good.

(the green color is sort of washed out below. but it is that green up there. green bright green healing green.)

this is a little simple something for a good friend, or is she my twin?, who sent me one of the best care packages i've ever received.... ummm, way back in march. oooops on how long it is taking me to send her hers. but she is cool. she is my friend. and she knows stuff takes time sometimes. and i love it that my first green thread stitches are on something for her. how healing is that? and a friend i met through this blog no less.

my husband is cool. he sent me off to the trident this evening. he sent me off to the hot springs last weekend. he is going to send me off the women's group tonight. we do take care of each other very well. or as well as we can. that's fo sho. i am grateful. i am.

i must be going now. i will return with more music and love and light and macaroni and dancing soon i hope.

i like this so much

downloading his new album right now....

this bonnie raitt cover by him, bon iver, is sweet and feels sort of apt for me and my current healing with the green thread.

just a little post to say hi to the world that checks this blog. and hi to my bloggy self who hasn't been reachable for a while. meaning, so much to do, which is not including the computer i guess. but i feel some time coming soon. that sounds nice.

i wrote a whole big thing a while ago and it was lost. oh well. i'm okay with that.

july is july.

nature is

someone tells me to dance. i all of a sudden want to clean my room. and i am. instead of dancing. but i can dance while i clean. i am okay with that. it's not very painful. not as painful as dancing just for dancing's sake.

i danced at first to some supremes. and then somehow found my way to country music. it can be the realest. i need real to help me relax sometimes. painful realness. like songs about single moms having a hard time finding a boyfriend, told from the child's perspective. this guy, brad paisley, won me over today with all of his songs, but this one made me laugh as well as want to cry. they all made me want to cry. yes. i am the cheesiest. and i am fine with telling you so.

it was a tiny bit of dancing. but when dancing isn't happening easily, that is a great thing. even a tiny bit. and i feel i had a real life aphrodite type friend visit me today. she was blowing me out of the water with her elegance and grace and composure and high style, sharp clarity, ease, gentleness, and a felt-sense of royalty. and high high heels. it was yummy and when i wasn't busy feeling inferior, i was so inspired. geez. makes me want to go take a bath. or sleep. i want to realize my own inner aphrodite. so bad.

next day:

max is driving me crazy with worry. he has some behaviors that just freak me out. as a 6 on the enneagram, i go to worse case scenario, instantly. all the time. always prepared for the worst. fun!

i am picturing my heartbreak being sewn up at lightening speed today. i feel panic, thanks pan, and at the same time, i'm working with my breath and just picturing healing. shit shit shit. and thinking shit shit shit at the same time as breathing in healing. i'm going insane. hello insane. i might as well just invite you right on in to my big cozy golden chair and let you relax. i feel my shadow so close by. speaking for me. hello rolanda. that's what it is. my boy's shadow is totally coming to be seen and healed. but god damnit. how can it not be 99% my fault that he's got such a heavy dark shadow? oh my god. i wsh we could just do an exorcism. ok. i feel i need to say exactly what his behavior has been so that no one gets the wrong idea. he's really into hearding the chickens outside, into their coop and closing the door when it's still day time. . and sometimes holds the baby chickens in his hand and holds it up and makes a sort-of scary face at them, and looks like he's squeezing them . they don't scream, so i know he's not hurting them, but he looks like he is. he taunts his sisters all day, making them scream. sometimes they hit and pinch each other and all that. he just yesterday started going out and getting eggs, and then breaking them on the ground, to 'give the chickens a science lesson.' so the 6 in me, and the 1 in david, have totally decided he's going to be a psychopath. i feel so tense. the thought of having to take him to another weekly therapy appointment, to prevent him from becoming a mass murderer, makes me feel like i need to throw up. or have a panic attack. and the blame on myself and david is just as overwhelming feeling. zhi asked to burn sage last night after our perfect aphrodite friend and her two perfect sons said goodbye after their visit. we need a semi~truck of sage burned around us.

I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO TURN INTO A SNALE. I MEAN SNAKE. MAYBE SNAIL WOULD BE BETTER? F.U.C.K. JUST BRING ON SOME MOVEMENT. MOVEMENT. CLEARING OUT THE CLOSET A BIT YESTERDAY, FELT AMAZING. WANT TO GO DO MORE. DEFINITELY FEELS LIKE SHADOW WORK TO CLEAN A CLOSET. I'M GONNA WORK ON MY OWN SHADOW, AND HOPE TO APHRODITE AND PAN AND ALL THE REST, THAT MAX SOMEHOW VIBES OFF OF THE ENERGY AND CAN WORK ON HIS TOO. I CAN'T DO SOMEONE ELSE'S SHADOW WORK FOR THEM. BUT HOW DO I NOT BLAME MYSELF FOR MY KID'S SHADOW? DO I BLAME MY OWN PARENTS FOR MINE? NOT REALLY. I KNOW MINE STARTED BEFORE CONCEPTION. IT JUST HAPPENED TO BE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY MY PARENTS' ENVIRONMENTS. BUT ACTUALLY, I GUESS I DO SEE HOW MY PARENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SOME OF MY SHADOW, I DO SEE HOW THEY HELPED SHADOW ME. AND I DO SEE HOW WE'VE SHADOWED SOME OF MAX'S BEHAVIORS. WE TOTALLY HAVE. UNCONSCIOUSLY FOR SURE. BUT WE HAVE.

I AM SO IMPERFECT IT HURTS. AND I AM MAGICAL.

I HAD COFFEE TODAY. YOU KNOW IT'S AN INTENSE DAY WHEN I CRAVE COFFEE. AND HAVE IT.

NEXT DAY:

phew. that was yesterday. yay... it is today now. the shadows are peacefully resting after working out so hard core yesterday. oh, but are they stronger now? scary thought. no, not stronger in a mean way, but stronger in a lighter way, they got exposure. exposure is so tricky. you can get burned. but if you don't get exposure, you fester and become scary. can someone name me balanced~as~all~get~out in my next life? thanks. that sounds great.

today. today feels so much better. thanks. maybe i will dance again. i feel like i might. made plans to go to some more hot springs soon. that is hot.

max has already done his reading homework and made his bed. i came home yesterday with my ultra~shadowy self in the driver's seat and laid on the couch. after a few minutes, once i felt the ground again, i told the kids to come and sit.

we were going to have a talk. an important talk. i came from my tired self, and shared how it felt to do what i do all day long, honestly, without much help at all. without much gratitude. i tried to stay off my high~horse, and that was pretty easy cuz i was so freaking tired. they heard me. they shared how they felt about teasing and fighting, and about the thought of helping around the house more. little stuff. tidying up their beds in the morning. revisited the laundry basket rules. the clearing the table rule. this rule that rule. rules of peaceful tidy living. yeah. it was so good. i am laughing at the resistance i had to just sitting down and talking with them. it actually didn't even dawn on me until that moment on the couch, what needed to happen. mighty aphrodite's kids never fight. seriously. they told me that. that makes me feel like a loser. and it makes me have to learn some skills i need. my children, they make me learn stuff i need to learn. maybe aphrodite already has these skills, so she didn't have to have her kids teach them to her. she gets to learn the skills of jetsetting around the world to spread the movement of education for the third worlds. that's an aphrodite thing to do. i get to stay home and mend. and breathe. and do shadow work. nothing lame about that. but it does seem sort-of lame when i compare. so i'm not gonna compare. cuz if i don't, i am very inspired by my aphrodite friend. so so so inspired. so don't compare. i love myself. i LOVE my kids. i love my garden. i love my green threads that i am wearing and thinking of throughout the days. i love the idea of dancing again, even if it's slow to come back to me.

ok. moving out of emotions, and into materials...

we made some salve. it is special to me. my first salve from the bees that we are so honored to be guardians of.

that's the comb we had to take away from the bees a few weeks ago. it was full of nectar in some parts. i just heated it all up together. (in a homemade double boiler.) honey/nectar is good for the skin too.

add in some nice essential oil.

she wanted to put a little salve in a pistachio shell. we made a handful of those. the kids used them in one sitting/application/whatever. so sweet. greasy kids. the other day max was reading with his reading teacher, and the word greece, came up. she explained to him, that it's another country across the ocean. he thought for a moment, and then asked her if it's really sticky there. love.

and below are my recycled containers. an old tin from burt. a jelly jar. the salve turned out wonderfully. the part in the tin is perfection. the part that went in the jar is super sticky. i guess that was that bottom of the pot, and the honey nectar sunk down, while the oils floated. besides the essential oil, i added almond oil and some water. i read a good rule of thumb is to have a ratio of 2 parts oil to 1 part beeswax. i read that water helps the 'dirty' particles, like bee parts or unhatched brood, or whatever, sink down to the bottom of your pot. didn't really happen for me. i tried straining it all through a coffee filter. read that made for the cleanest wax. wasn't happening. it just sat in the filter. so i quickly tore open the oldest bag of cheesecloth that i somehow have had for 10 years i bet. like new! yay cheesecloth. i don't need perfectly strained slave anyways. i like dirty stuff. sometimes.

i rubbed the stickier salve allover my body the other night after a shower. ha. i thought it would mellow out after it dried a little. nope. i was so sticky. sticking to the sheets. but i am stubborn. and i wouldn't wash it off, cuz i knew it was magic and made by these bees we care for and so i just slumbered in sticky~land. there's a bunch of wateryness at the bottom of the jar too. not so into adding water. it didn't help the salve's outcome in any way i can see.

i am now into the idea of infusing some comfrey leaves from the plant i love so much in the garden. i'll save that oil for the next salve i get to make. or, i'll use it all up. it could be a long while till we get more wax from these bees. with top bar hives, we don't harvest honey comb till the hive is full. that way the bees are all set for winter. in their first year in a new hive, they often don't fill it to the back. but our first hive just might. it's already 3/4 full. we'll see.

and runny homemade yorgit? i've been just heating the milk up lately to the point that my finger can take the heat. that way the rawness of the milk is still there. but it makes for runny yorgit. heating it up to 180ish will make a thick yorgit. what to do with runny runny yorgit? im gonna make some chocolate and some vanilla popsicles. yep. hope to do that today.

and what's been under hope? well.... some relief. since my last post, i have been feeling relief in the heart. when i feel into my heartbreak, i don't feel as much fear all tangled up with it. meeting the feelings in this case, the broken heart, seemed to shift it all a bit. meeting with dear dear glorious aphrodite probably had something to do with it too. exposing my festering wound to the light probably had something else to with the onset of relief. having the friends i do have now, definitely has something to do with it. thank you for your friendships.

(this is the before the closet was cleaned photo. forgot to get an after. but it is awesomely spare and lovely and simple feeling now. 4 bags of clothes i could let go of, were let go of. yay.)

i have not really felt like dancing much since that cleaning the closet dance. but i am not over the possibility still happening. the zinnia and salvia seeds are sprouting though. so fast. and i'm envisioning green healing threads stitching me up constantly. while i hold space for my dear friends who are hurting. i share my threads. i am climbing that ladder, aphro. i'm just slow to relaxing into the dance. tonight, though, i have a date with some friends and some vodka. i bet some dance moves might wiggle out.

in the shadow.

and then, exposure.

both happen. both happen. nature is aphrodite. and pan. and panic. and calm. it's all there.

mend

so much pain. so much pain. so so so much pain to feel here on earth in a human body, with a feeling heart.

sweet joy. joy in my bones, to be here with my people. joy swimming hand in hand with pain.

i just googled joy and pain and chose to forego rob base and clicked on sweet wikiquote's page for the prophet, by khalil gibran. i was very satisfied reading the excerpts from that lover book printed there. one on children i just added to the side bar. these on friendship just felt so rich to me.

On Friendship

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
p. 58
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
p. 59

oh dear friends.

there is a wave of sadness coming into my field for some friends who are going through pain that is all-consuming. my heart is reaching out and of course feels it too. everywhere i look all day long, there is sadness, with beauty and joy right next to it. everyday. that is really just how it is. there is a man with severe CP sitting near me in the trident today. i'm actually just projecting sadness on to him. he does not seem sad actually. but as a mother with a child with CP, i instantly feel sadness. there are a group of friends sitting together near me, laughing, in a fun smart way. there are flowers on the table. pink mums. it feels like i am on an edge of accepting the reality of pain and sadness mixed with joy and happiness in every moment, and it feels like i am going to break apart, with this acceptance. like i will not be me anymore. me with hope. it feels like hope is not involved. a friend recently shared something on a process around letting go of hope. i am feeling a piece of that here. it's not a horrible pessimistic kind of letting go of hope, but something under hope. going under it. and it does feel like i don't know the me who is underneath hope. am i under there? will i have to break apart to get under there? who will mend me if that happens? tears want to come. we break. and if we don't die, we have to mend it up. i have mended myself before. but mostly it is friends and family who have done the majority of the mending. i have walked around broken or mostly broken for years, because i couldn't mend myself properly, on my own. and then along comes a friend. and the mending is so cool. do i sound co~dependent? no. just heartbroken. and lonely. it's just how it felt. i had a friend once who couldn't be my friend the way i wanted her to be. i am still heartbroken by that. i am feeling like it is important today, like now is the time, to mend that break in my heart. i don't know how though.

i am going to call in dear old aphrodite. i really feel like this wants and is ready to be mended now. aphrodite, can i call you? are you available to me right now?

a:: yes my dear. i am here. (she sounds like cate blanchett. poor me so influenced by hollywood.)

h: yay. (deep sigh of relief) i am hurting. i have a broken heart that will not heal, or is taking longer, way longer, than i am able to be patient with. it has been about 6 years of sadness on and off because of a particular relationship with a friend. a relationship that was never what i wanted it to be. i wanted more from my friend than she could give me. emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. i think i wanted more in all ways. and i don't feel like i ever really understood why she couldn't be there like i wanted. it was just clear that she couldn't. it was so sad for me. i feel it was me. i was not good enough for her. i was so available. so so available and in love. and i am still hurting. still slightly obsessed. still scared to feel what it feels like. but today, i don't know why, i am not so scared to feel it, and so i am. and it is hurting. hugely. there is some part of me inside, that is crying endlessly. and it's not just about her, and the unrequitedness of it all. there are others in my life who have played this same role. i have walked into this web a few grand times. or maybe i have gone deeper into the same web, and the spinner just seems to change. so aphrodite, please tell me how to mend my heart.

a: my dear. get your threads. and a ladder. your tears, your pain, your break is up high. you climb up there with the thread color of your choice, and all you need to do is climb on up. high high up. hand the threads to the angel that will meet you at the top. the very very top. green you say you choose. ah. i see. the angel will begin the stitching. she will. and then she may ask a friend of hers to come and stitch with her. that happens. angels love to be with their friends. so they are the ones for this job. they understand the joy of happening flowy free friendship and the pain of broken friendship. so. you climb. it's a long way up, just so you know. don't stop short.

h: how far? how long will the climb take? i am scared to climb.

a: two weeks. of steady climbing. it will not hurt to climb.

h: what do you mean, two weeks of steady climbing? what does that look like realistically? we are talking in spirit terms, and i am having to integrate this with my human self and she is full of questions.

a: for you, it is simply two weeks of tending to your garden. and dancing. that is your climb. everyday if you can, and you can, dance. while you tend. or not. just do both. that is all. sweet love. i loveyou. the angels are so excited to reach you.

h: i am scared shitless. scared i'm going to die. doesn't meeting angels at the top of a ladder sort-of look like the whole dying and going to heaven thing?

a: oh. you are afraid so deeply. i can't tell you you will not die. but i am not seeing that as the result of this gardening and dancing climb. what i am tuning into is only in the interest of mending your broken heart.

h: can you help me understand this fear i'm feeling?

a: it is similar to a flower that hasn't opened yet. it's just the unknown. you are being yourself. going through your process. and many many many creatures feel fear around transition. the unknown.

h: can i have some support during this process? venus?

a: the bees are supporting you so much. and your children. and your sister. and husband. and mother. and your friends who you are connected to. your animals. your land. your land most of all. it is supporting you. holding you. pulsing with you. feeling you. the land. the growing pulsing land. it pulses rhythmically and you know the bees are in tune with its every wave. it is in tune with your every wave. tune into how it holds you and knows you and you will feel support. complete support.

h: thank you. one more question?

a: of course. i am not in a rush.

h: what exactly do i do in two weeks?

a: you will have reached the top of the ladder. it will be almost mid july. those seeds you just planted today with your daughters. those salvia and zinnia seeds. they are the perfect plants for your healing. i want you to replant those. they will have sprouted in their seedling mix and will be ready to go into the garden. you do that. and get yourself some green thread. have it in your pocket. i am smiling so happily with you right now.

h: loneliness. it is at the core of this heartbreak and pain. so these plants, these seeds, this green thread. they help heal loneliness?

a: in a way. you heal loneliness. they are going to grow because you planted them. and somebody before you, grew their predecessors, and saved the seeds, and on and on back in time. it's a thread that you sweet tending humans have spun and grown and kept going. by picking up this current end of the thread and continuing it, you are not alone, but a part of a community of co-creators. you are working and are going to continue to work on this loneliness that has gone back lifetimes for you, and you will feel how the mending begins to heal this up. you will just feel it. that's what i want to say.

h: awesome. i'm smiling. i need to share that today i found some horns on the ground. it just dawned on me, that i invoked pan, and then a day later, i find horns. i've never found horns on the ground before. they are beautiful. from a deer. we put them in the garden under the cherry tree. they look so magical. i just wanted to tell you that. can you tell me something about the horns?

a: they are pan's. of course. your connections, as with all beings' connections, are real and when you ask us to come to you, we LOVE to come. and we love to play. and you know pan more than most, is up for playing anytime. I am up for loving and assisting with growth, among other things.

h: what can you tell me about my dilemma with birth control, and digging deep within trying to find my peace with not having anymore children.

a: yes. sunglasses. bees. you will not have anymore children. or you will. this is yet another tragic feeling experience to show you the power of the present moment. however, as a goddess, a goddess of love and fertility, and as my metal is copper, i do like the copper birth control. however your body did not like it. your body wants another baby. you must sit with this desire, this physical desire. it is very promising and rich. don't take it literally, this desire, but tap into it and it can be fuel for much. but to attend to the very real question of birth control, i am fine with human vasectomy. pan is not. so the two of you, you and david, are in a place of no answer.

h: if he becomes ok, the human side of himself, with vasectomy, will he still have the pan side of himself so easily accessible?

a: yes. that is coming in through his heart and from the earth and beyond. it has nothing to do with his sperm. he could not cut that cord between him and pan with any amount of snipping.

h: smile. ok. i have some climbing to do. can i contact you and check in more during this process?

a: please. i love connecting with you.

h: what about sharing this on my blog.

a: it is your decision. i am coming through you. you are interpreting me. i trust you.

h: do i share too much? is it safe to share so much?

a: it is healing. you know that.

h: thanks. thanks.

a: you are welcome. goodbye.

2 days later~~

well. i am resisting posting this. so much exposure. but whatever. hiding doesn't feel any better. putting on sunscreen and long sleeves these days to prevent over~exposure burn. sometimes being literal, helps me be spiritual.

i sat with the bees and found my relaxed self yesterday. aphrodite knows some stuff. i am also resisting her advice to dance. i don't feel like it. but i might try. i do want to mend so bad. and some things aren't mendable. i don't know what i'm doing here. but i'm trying. it's all i know i can do. it's what i want to do. that's the most important piece. i want to mend. even if i fail at trying, i feel i have no choice to but to try. it's what the bees would do. as they dance. ha.

here's another joy and pain link i clicked on, an artist's project on healing trauma. recovery. i think the lady speaking is very cool. i am inspired by her.