getting spiritual

i think shaun white is in the trident today. or his twin. i will send david out to the back patio when he gets here, the tea house, to see what his verdict is. is that so lame? celebrity stalkers. ok. it wasn't him. but that was funny.

i don't know what to write about right now. queen. i hear someone next to me say, as he plays chess. your queen is still there. some teenage boys and their dad, playing chess and checkers next to me. so cute. one of them beat boxes as he plans his moves. i love it. my sister had a boyfriend a few years ago, who was a good beat boxer. i loved it when he'd beat box for us.

is it so bad to add milk to green tea.? i used to think so. like in a snobby sort of way. now i totally do it. i feel like a cheater. i just googled it. there are studies, showing that the casein in milk binds to the something good in tea and makes it useless. dang. they say the tea drinkers in england, with their milk, are not as healthy as those in other places that don't add milk. f that! i will just go with my instincts. right now, the body really likes the milk. the article also mentioned milk makes it easier on the stomach. maybe that's what's going on with my craving.

ok what to really write about...

the garden. the garden in everything. tending to our gardens. co~creating. who are we co~creating with? well. today i am interested in pan. i don't know if he's a god or a nature spirit or both or a deva? i like this description of him. i have a sense of him, from when i've done some spiritual work and invoked him before. i always love him. he cracks me up most every time i am in contact with him. he often rides a motorcycle. or comes dashing in to the invocation all out of breath and happy and funny. so right now, i am going to invoke him. and write a bit with him coming through. well first off, he is totally fucking with me, and crawling in on all fours, since i just said that is usually all hyper and excited. you know what, he says he'd rather communicate with me in the plant garden. not the computer garden. i understand. but can we just have a little chat while i finish my tea, so i can have some fun with my writing time? ok sure, just a little he says.

pan: at least you're drinking green tea. that's a plant.

h: yeah. what do you think about me adding milk to it.

pan: dragonflies.

h: ok. that's cool. how can i get more integrated into my spiritual nature during my everyday hustle and grind?

pan: keep drinking tea. those leaves will speak through you.

h: what do you feel about my current condition i'm having with yeast, which i feel came on from the iud i had in for the past 6 months. i just had it taken out a few weeks ago. what can i do to get myself back in balance?

pan: eat cheese. and seaweed. and dance. that will realign you energetically. you just need to recalibrate. your juices will flow again.

h: what's your opinion on human birth control? which one would be best for us? we are struggling finding a good one.

pan: that's tricky. i like tricks. so this is interesting. finally. i say screw it all. that's who i am. i am wild and uninhibited and male. i don't concern myself with these issues. you need to check in with a female deva to get more information.

h: how do we make the big decision to become infertile?

pan: go on a motorcycle ride. look in the sky. kneel to your garden. pray. ask and your answer will come.

h: ok. going home now to ask in the garden.

2 days later:

so i went home and prayed to my garden. sort-of. i actually ended up puttering a little, and watching part of walk the line. i cried real hard in the beginning. i really knelt down and prayed and asked and felt while planting some salvia later in the day. i am getting closer.

i went to the doctor. no yeast. no nothing. maybe a latex allergy? since condoms are now our deal. or maybe from tearing two times sort-of bad with the girls' births, something is just not as perfect as it used to be. hmmmm.. i really need to get peaceful with not having anymore children. cuz sex is sucking now....or the lack of because of how uncomfortable i've been. i cried at the doctor when she told me that at around 35 a woman goes through some changes, aging wise. hormonally. physically. i just started crying. all of a sudden, i am not super young. my body is not the way it was. she told me, in a really cool way, 'we're on a one way street here.' aging changes us. cry. but having that iud out feels really really good and right for me.

hey pan, are you here today? i smile just thinking of him. in some ways, i feel like i married pan. when i met david, he rode a motorcycle. he would take me on rides, on my work breaks. and after work. and on the weekends. we would stop somewhere and he'd play the harmonica. and he'd make me laugh like no one ever had before. of course i fell in love. i married a pan. i'm lucky. he's also human. but also pan. so hey pan....wanna talk today?

nope. not now.

our son is so panlike also. wild. having two males in my life like this, has made me have to be a very strong feminine being, to stand up to them in my power. our daughters, are getting to learn this side of themselves as well, nice and early. it will be all they ever know of themselves. thank goodeness. now that i'm thinking about pan, my dad was totally pan. i am surrounded by pan like males. how funny. he liked to laugh and play tricks. once, he told me and my step brothers that he had some new honey and would we like to try it. we were so excited. we tasted and it was so gross. it was shampoo. that was my dad. he got a good kick out of that. he also liked to wait till we were drinking in the car, like going for a sip, and then he'd push on the gas, and we'd spill it all over ourselves. another: he liked to go through drive throughs, like at mcdonalds, and before he'd be serious and order whatever we wanted, he'd just mess with the person working saying, 'hello can i take your order?', and he'd reply, 'nanoo. nanoo.' and wait for them to say, 'what?' makes me laugh remembering him. there's so much more.

wanna see some cute bee butts?

and they are loving the valerian blossoms. i wonder if it makes them sleepy? it smells so good. not strong and funky like the root, but sweet like lilac.

after reading this, a friend sent me a photo of the pan and aphrodite. i must start channelling aphrodite as well. did the word afro come from her?

stinky love

i don't know what to write. there are so many photos that say so much of our past few days from our trip to steamboat. where the hot springs flow freely. the sewing machine hums along. the children look and act cute, a lot of the time. the lilacs are just blooming in late june. the aspens invite us into a deeper world. the papas get honored for all the amazing love and guidance they give. the mustangs come from all corners to be seen and heard (!....say mustang convention). rainbows come. and the olive eulala turns four. FOUR. the baby is four. oh what is going on?

a hot hot spring pool. next to a cold fast running river.

hike.

bandaids for tape.

birthday/father's day breakfast was good.

zhi pointed out the pink, bright pink, pollen on this sweet alpine flower.

so that was a good trip. oh yes. full of family and love and crafting and nature, beautiful nature. car trips allow one to take along their sewing machine. that is a major bonus. why i can't sit and sew like i did on this trip, when i'm home, is something i am so curious about. i sat the machine up on the table in the hotel. i sat and sewed whenever i felt like it. which started 5 minutes after we arrived. right in the middle of everything. people sitting there with me. people not. 5 minutes at a time. 1 hour at a time. i forgot my zipper foot. i looked up a you~tube video on what to do. not a big deal, it turns out. just move your needle position over and you are good to go pretty much. it was a scary moment though when i sat down to sew it in and realized i forgot it. it never crossed my mind that you could sew a zipper without that teeny little foot. i am tempted to put my machine now, right on our home dining table. would i get more done? the depression i usually have to tap into, for some f'd reason, when i sit to sew at home, was not there when i sewed on this trip. i was in the middle of the action. when i sew at home, i'm in a corner, alone. i wonder if that's part of the reason i get so little done at home. there was an abundance of sewing time on this trip. yeah, i wasn't cleaning and tending to a house, but still, i was able and wanted to sit and sew whenever there was open time. no forced~ness at all. and yeah, i had a birthday to motivate me, but still. but still!! something was different. i often like to bring some insight back from taking a trip. you know? those are the gifts i like to receive from getting up and out of town. the gift of a new perspective, that i can see and feel and really, hopefully, integrate into the daily trip i return to. i feel like i am always searching for a better way. a way to be more satisfied and have less suffering. i came home and read this quote :

'three passions, simple, but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. .... love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led up toward the heavens. but always pity brought me back to earth.'~ bertrand russell

i am so in love with his words. here is more from that passage in his autobiography that my mom lent me a while ago that i just peered into yesterday for the first time, because our house sitter left it out on the table.

so of course, i am, and we all are i guess, looking to find a way to ease the suffering. the loneliness. i am wondering if when at home, sewing equals loneliness. it feels like it does. i might look into changing the place i sew, to a more central area of the house. like mama~bear. and then maybe get a treadle machine like mama~bear too! no, not really. i'm not ready for a treadle. i would like some solar panels, please though. thanks.

home. home is so lush right now. it rained. everything grew so much in 5 days. including rooster boy. he is huge now! and mating with the hens like a pro. and olive is 4!!! on her birthday, she'd been requesting for months to me, she wanted to make sure we had hot chocolate AND lemonade. she really told me about 100 or maybe even 200 times, that we were to have those drinks on her birthday. luckily she didn't forget, cuz i think being out of town made me forget. after breakfast, to the grocery store we went to get the ingredients for the birthday drinks. david made the best hot chocolate for us that afternoon, after gondola hiking gondola and before hot springs. lemonade was supposed to directly follow. i made it the way i like it. sort-of weak. well. olive and i both liked it and smiled while we drank it. the rest, whatever! they can go get more lemons and honey and redo it themselves! i'll do a do~over soon just for fun, and make it a little bit stronger i guess. but not much.

i liked walking to the bathroom with olive in between our first and second soaks in the hot springs that afternoon. it was just the two of us. it was a long and slow walk. so simple. in our swim suits. in the most beautiful setting. post first soak where you feel a certain lighter relief from the hot center of the earth water. well not the center, i know, but the crust if you must. my stepmom, used to make us all drive out to hot springs, arkansas from little rock, when i was in that phase of my childhood where i lived with my dad and her and her sons, that's about an hour's plus drive. she'd have us drive out there weekly to fill dozens of empty milk jugs with water from the hot springs there. the water we'd all drink for that week. it was so good. i totally remember that water we drank. now that i am thinking of this, i am feeling so grateful that she did that. i just wiki'd hot springs, and saw that the water there from that location in arkansas is rainfall from some undetermined watershed 4000 years ago. woah. i wonder what kind of vintage water we are drinking now from our well? i do know the water we drink now has got uranium in it from the degrading granite rock that is all over the rocky mountains. that's intense and a thing we filter out. what else can you do? at least we have water. that's a damn lucky thing. so , umm. yeah. hot springs. i love them and their water. and that bathroom walk was awesome. i want to walk to the bathroom again with her.

ok.. love......love. stinky love.

gotta love myself

i like this sewing book. stylish sewing. in searching for a link to it i found that site. look at the cool crafty cat woman in the upper right hand corner. and the whole idea of that site is nice. i just saw this tutorial, to make a parrot, and thought of max. i like the stylish sewing book because of a few of the patterns. one in particular i like because i invented that same pattern on my own once. i made this little dog house thingy a few years ago for zhi for a santa present. i can't find a photo of it. i thought i posted it 3 years ago or so, but i think i must have deleted the post. i have a vague memory of deleting for some insecure reason. but, the dog house i made was so cool, and i thought it was all my original idea! no, couldn't be. we are all connected. same source, yeah? anyways....i have to return the book today, but there is bag in it that i really want to make. so i will check it out again next time, hopefully.

i want to love on myself right now. i need some self love. let's find a picture of me i like.....can't find one.

but here are the winter boots and a wool blanket all ready to go out to the shed for the summer. that is cool.

how do i love myself right now? how well? how not well? how? how am i loving myself? how are you loving yourself? i am loving myself, i guess, by relaxing right now. allowing the relax. forcing the relax, sort-of. gotta. gotta. gotta.

good and hard

that bee sting that i said was non-existant from the other day, it itches like crazy now, and is a pretty reddish color, and hard and swollen. not non-existant at all. i heard people talking about bee sting therapy they've had, saying they get 20 and 40 stings at a time. i am having a hard time grasping what that would be like 3 days later. i think you get to the point where you don't respond so much after a while, right? but woah. that would be a big deal to get there. one thing i'm noticing though that is cool and definitely maybe a factor in the therapy, ha, is that i swear it is close to orgasmic to scratch this sting when it is itching like crazy. it feels SO good to scratch it. i have more thoughts on that whole stinging experience i want to share next time....

magic found at and after the dentist appointment:

• at the dentist, the closest thing i could find during my cleaning, was the grey metal that attaches the light that shines into your mouth to the ceiling. the metal was grooved and i was soothed by the colors. silvergrey metal and blackish lines. i liked the pattern a lot. and then, i do feel my dentist is somewhat magical. i like seeing her.
• after the dentist, we had a bunch of recycling to drop off. it was a nightmare. i didn't have the paper stuff sorted the way they ask you to now, cuz i wasn't aware they changed it, and so i had this trash can full of old mail and catalogs and newspaper stuff all mixed together. the kids were going nuts, wanting to throw it into any and every bin like it was the most fun thing they'd ever gotten to do in their lives. they were acting like little addicts, i swear. jonesing for their turn to throw the paper in. and i was adamant that it be thrown in the right spot. i start telling them lies, like we're gonna get a ticket, they will never let us come back, we will have bad karma (didn't really say that), and i'm gonna take us home for lunch, not out like we'd planned, if you guys don't mellow out and let me sort this junk before you dump it in. geez. what the hell goes on sometimes? freaky stars?
• after that fun time, where i don't think i found any magic, at all, except there was that nice guy who was working at ecocycle, that smiled so humanly at me as we drove away. that was cool. after that, i was stumped for where to go for lunch. somehow i decide whole foods is the place. what the hell? only totally freaky stars would make me decide that. we get into the parking lot, and before i park, i start telling them that we are going to have sushi. no other options. the whole foods here, is like a mega store, i think it's their biggest one maybe, and the food court area has so many choices, i couldn't deal with it. olive starts a full on temper tantrum that she doesn't want sushi. she wants meat. ok. i go insane a little internally, and just drive right on out of that parking lot. we drive across town, before i realize where we need to go. at that point, olive says she will have sushi, because zhi has talked her into it, so that i don't take us home for some boring home lunch. we go to alfalfas. yes clara! it reopened. have you heard? as it's own old self, just with a serious facelift, or something. some stuff is so different. this is the first health food store boulder ever had, as far as i'm concerned, and i got a job there when i was 16. i met so many good friends there. i worked all the way through my first years of college. then a few years ago, it got bought by wild oats, and then whole foods and then blah blah blah, it was closed down. and then, after being dead for so long, it just got reborn. by the original owners. i was turned off at first. my first visit to it, i felt it was too yuppified. (that is a word! no spell check problem??) too froofroo. too snooty. all the light fixtures and paneling and the dining area felt way too modern and richy rich to me. so i have been avoiding it for the past few months, since it reopened. well, i took us there yesterday for that sushi, and it was so awesome. the vibe was just right. the dining area felt like the CU cafeteria to me, not a fancy place anymore. i liked it so much. the sushi was yummy. the kids and i all ate it all up and no one fought or pissed me off. magic! i am now into that store. we bought $13.71 worth of apples after we finished eating lunch. that's all we got. a bag full of organic apples from chile. and that number, felt special. i love 3s, 7s, and 1s together. they make an auspicious combination i feel. so. ok. i like it when first impressions are WRONG.
• then, lastly, to report, we went to the library. the kids reported on the books they'd read in the past 2 weeks to someone manning the table where kids can go check in on their summer reading program, get their stickers to put on their reading passports, and feel pride. we signed up to participate in this a few weeks ago. zhi and olive were shy shy shy and it was like pulling teeth getting them to talk about their books. then it was max's turn. pure magic. she asks him what the name of his first book is. he says, 'mark the shark.' she says tell me about it. he says, 'well, mark is a shark. and well, he had quite a plight.' i just about died. of witnessing cuteness and feeling love and adoration. he went on to talk about his book in the best way. she was so into him. how could you not be?

ok. well. it's time for my night time cinema. love. love. love.

focus

we did it. it went well. there's the last of the comb we had to take from them. the bees were not as pissed as i felt they might be. that's amazing, because the queen was totally on that comb we had to take away. i could see the little eggs she'd laid in a few dozen cells. little white long specks. so sorry we had to do that. but i'm hoping she found her way into the heart of the huddle on the other combs and got back to her selfless work. the new swarm seems like they're doing well, getting right to business learning where to forage, and coming back home with their legs all stuffed with pollen.

finding my way out to the bee yard with a cup of tea in hand, i am back to black tea which is not going so well, but whatever, i'll quit when it gets real bad again. like when the pain is speaking louder than the desire. yep. that's how it works unfortunately....oh, so my favorite thing to do these days is to go out to the beeyard and sit. and sip. and watch. it is fascinating. it is vibrating. it is fun. i am plotting how to have bunk bed hives for next year. can i fit more hives into this space? is there enough to forage on for more? not sure. but that's something i think about. i am obsessed or something. i am fine if we just have two. i will be psyched if they survive the winter. we will not take any of their honey this year, to make sure they have enough for the winter. unless of course, the first hive builds up to the last bar. then we'd have to take one comb out. you can't let them build all the way to the back of this kind of hive. it's possible this might happen with our first swarm. they have already built out more than half the hive with comb in just one month. they are amazing producers. they make me look like a god damn sloth. yes. i go and sit and sip tea watch them work. i feel like a slave owner or something. the other day, we were driving by a herd of buffalo on our way to get our milk and veggies at the farm. zhi asked me if they were wild buffalo. i said no, they are raised by a farmer for their meat. she looks at me and instantly says, 'why can't humans just eat humans. we could just eat them right when they die.' woah, girl. to her , this seemed so much more fair to the other species. i am with her in heart. we talked about the food chain just to put it in nature's perspective. but still. being a wild animal and hunting for your meal is more fair feeling in a way, than raising your meat on a farm, so that from the day they are born, they are destined to be food. deep exhale. i don't know. we eat a lot of buffalo meat. she has since eaten buffalo meat with not a second thought, at least not spoken. it's so hard to wrap our heads around this deal of eating other animals. or our heart. i have thought over the past year that i may need to stop eating meat. it is so hard to feel okay with it. i can't get myself to eat our own chickens. we'll see what happens. i just haven't been able to turn off the body's desire for meat, a few times a month, so i haven't forced it. jane goodall always makes me want to be vegetarian. lots of things make me want to be vegetarian.

my cute kids are kind-of driving me crazy this morning. no. they are definitely driving me crazy. they make so many messes. our house is so small feeling sometimes. there are a lot of flies around the chicken yard now. david is so ready to get rid of the chickens cuz of them. oh my. not gonna happen. i hope. we are going on a little trip soon, to the higher mountains. where it's actually flooded from winter runoff. weird. hmmmm. hope our lodging is not flooded. the kids are currently packing. max is saying he needs his jack and annie books. olive says she's going to get her purse to pack. they are all talking out loud as they pack. 4 days in advance. are they excited? max is saying he needs to bring his calculator now. olive is going to get a pen. zhi is packing quietly. they are being cute again, all of a sudden. olive is bringing rapunzel. now they are planning which movie they want to watch while they are there. they have movie day on wednesday and sunday. they are realizing they will be there on a sunday, so this is important decision making time. which movie to bring?

the baby chicks are doing ok i think. they still sprawl out and look dead sometimes. but they still breathe. so much like a newborn human.

i cut a lot of nettles this weekend.

i kept seeing green after that. everywhere. of course. it is green time. but i tuned in.

my kids are being annoying again.

yesterday i made a big jar of lemon balm from last year's leaves. that was good. the kids all drink it up. even unsweetened. good little grubbers.

i also made some chocolate popsicles. we had too much milk last week, somehow we didn't drink the full gallon. so i made these. yumm.

how to make it through the rest of this day and find some magic? well, i 'm just gonna try focusing on it. i did see some a minute ago. it's time to bring back the library books. i thought i had gathered them all up. there was one i just saw, however, that hadn't been gathered. because olive was sitting down looking at it. that's magic enough for me. saves me a late fee. yeehaw. let's look for more magic. i'm just gonna look. and chant it so i keep my focus. i could use a tattoo that says focus. it is not a great skill of mine. (unless you consider focusing on the darkness a great skill. ha.) but i'm working on it. focusing. love. magic. self forgiveness. forgiveness to others. waves of annoyance are followed by waves of cuteness. are followed by more annoying waves. time to go to the dentist. what kind of magic will happen there? yikes. i'm scared now. humility. gives rise to confidence.

swarm number two. love. humility.

it's friday, love, at 6 in the morning. i'm about to be on my way to go get our second swarm. i had some crazy dreams about this last night. bad stress dreams. that the bee masters decided i wasn't fit for a second swarm because they felt it might overwhelm me to have two.... it was so so real. disappointment. also, huge rocks started falling off the top of the mountain, crashing into our home, and david starts telling me, 'i don't think you're going to be able to drive to get the bees.' it was rad. the whole mountain was falling apart. then, i realized i was dreaming. somehow in the dream i realized it. i was SO relieved. loved that relief feeling. ok...here i go. time to go get them.

drive drive drive.

and here i am. that was wild. and not as cool as it could have been. i'm a little annoyed, and maybe not founded in feeling that way cuz i don't know the deal about why these bees were in their fetcher box for as long as they were, a week maybe, but it meant they had started to build comb on the side bars, which aren't transferable to the hive i have. so they lose those combs. they had three built out on the side bar. they had about 3, maybe 4 on the regular middle bars that do transfer to my top bar hive, i couldn't tell how many because those bars transferred so smoothly, i didn't get a chance to bother the bees and have them all fly off and get pissy at me, so i could see their beautiful comb underneath their bodies. but on the side bar, oh yeah. i got a chance to see that comb. when i realized what i was dealing with, i stopped mid transfer, and went to call my teacher. this is not something i am prepared for. she tells me i am to get as many of the bees off the comb on that side bar comb, then CUT the comb of the bar with a serrated knife, lay it in the hive, as upright as possible, toward the back, and just leave it in there for a few days. then go back in and take it out. fuck. that sucked so bad. that's why i was dreaming of the mountain falling apart. those bees had their hard hard work cut away from them. they are getting a pretty cool new home, but still. it was shocking. i mean, it's one thing to take honeycomb once their hive is full, and it's surplus that they will be really okay without, but this is new comb that was gonna be for brood. it didn't feel good. but it had to be done. i was being real mellow, as mellow as i could be, with david there with me, in his bee suit for the first time. he was a rock star. (our first swarm in may, came by way of my teacher delivering it, because i wasn't about to do a transfer from a fetcher to a hive without someone showing me how first.) today, at one point, somehow, two bees got in my suit. must have gone up between my legs and then into the bottom of the jacket. i just have a jacket, not a full union suit thing. one was walking around my breasts and belly. another was in my hood. flying around my face. david just reminded me to stay as calm as i could. i needed that. i walked away for a minute till i was far enough away to feel like i could take the jacket off and not get stung. the two bees just flew right off. so sweetly. what a relief. i was so grateful. i kept wondering though, how healing would it be to be stung on my boob? or my neck. the one in my hood was all over my neck at one point too. that's when i started to panic. bee sting therapy. so then i went back to help david with the surgery of the comb. i feel so sad about how much they lost. it's not a huge deal though. they have a good amount of time, the whole summer, to rebuild. they build that amount in two or three days. seriously. it's not a huge deal. but it feels like maybe i just sewed a dress or something, and someone cuts it up. or steals it. or burns it. or blogger loses an epic post i'd been working on for days.

here i am closing up the hive, after getting most of the magical ones in there. right around that point, one of them stings me on my left knee, through my jeans. that's when i knew it was time to get on out. leave them alone now. f! i've gone and checked on them since in the hours that have passed, and they are mellowing out. they let me look in the viewing window.

hello festooning creatures. no aggressive behavior. but the ones on the sawed off comb, are not abandoning it. that's the idea, just put it in there, and give them time to leave it and build more stable comb on the bars as they prefer. it's not looking so good. they are totally clustered on it. i think the queen is on it. i'm gonna have to go in there and piss them off again. i am pissed too. deep breath. it will be okay. as i was walking into the trident just now, i hear this young guy on his cell phone, telling somebody, 'it will be okay. you'll get through this. take a deep breath. i'm here for you.' but he said it with no feeling. it was as ungenuine as it gets. then he said, 'just mail the check to my house.' i bet he was asking his mom for money, and she was freaking out cuz she couldn't afford to send him any. and he tells her that! if a kid of mine ever does that. no check! i am probably so far off from the truth, but that's what it felt like. i am genuinely sorry for the bees' loss. i hope they know it. my little sting on my leg is nonexistent now. weird. i usually swell up. there was honey in that comb we took away. i left one in the hive, which hopefully they will leave alone soon, fingers crossed, and then this one i took.

it has the sweetest nectar/honey already in the top of it. the kids and i tasted it. it is so sweet. sigh. what the hell are flowers made of? freaking sugar! good thing pollinators don't have teeth. they'd be all rotted out. look how white it is. so new. and then there's a baby piece that had to be sawed off too. zhi wants it. she was all over it, claiming it hers. hmmmm. sweet bees. i can't believe i have two hives. with wild swarmed bees. i am feeling pretty rad in one sense. and pretty unsure and naive and scared and just in reverence for life and hoping i'm in harmony. feeling into my humility.

in the women's group last night, we ended up landing on a discussion about confidence. and how true confidence, is born out of humility. true, egoless confidence. it is the best feeling. today, i just keep bringing myself down, into my lower belly, kidney area, where my friend said the humility arises from in the body, and breathing in humility. it is good. it is relaxing. i don't have to be perfect. i just am. i do. my best. and hopefully from my humblest self.

thanks you precious bees for being here.

today's magic.

baby chicks. just about gave me a heart attack. i'm new to this chicken world. we've gotten ours as full grown, then half grown, then quarter grown, now new borns. woah. newborns are intense i think. they need warmth. and special food. and you have to make sure they are drinking and pooping. what the f? i feel like i'm in the nicu again. 9 years ago. this is where i was, where my energy went as i cared for these babies, with max and zhi by my side. zhi was totally into every detail. max hung back. also, for the past few weeks, i keep smelling that hospital smell. especially when i hug max. maybe he's detoxing. maybe i'm having psychosomatic backflashes. whatever it is, i kind-of like it. it's trippy. and real. and intense. certainly not boring. so, when i realized what all i was in for today after going to the post office and opening the noisy box at home, i really really really REALLY had strong flashbacks to the nicu and max's first days. i had an almost panic attack, all day after getting these chicks. so weird huh? yeah. there was one that just kept laying down and sprawling out like she had no control over her body, so so vulnerable, and that's when the panic set in. . i kept telling the kids to be quiet please. i can't deal. ptsd can really take a person down. i called a good friend who has lots of chick experience and she told me the deal, what they need, and it was comforting. but the ptsd shocky feeling kept coming on strong for the rest of the day. woah. yeah. woah. yeah. ptsd. intense. i had a baby. he was saved by the nicu docters. i just had to breathe and pump my breasts. and pray like a mother. yeah. why these chicks brought me back to those days, i don't know. holy crap. nothing gets more intense. i will probably never have my ptsd healed completely. but that's okay. he's cool. i'm cool. just a little shaky. even 9 years later. shaky living. weird. weird. weird. hiking would be nice. and getting really really warm. eating honey and nettles tea. separate. not together. we are blessed. we got a scary fucking ride, and we're still riding it out. we don't know why. we just know we are here and we are doing what we do to help each other be the best we can all be. magic.

wine now. and indian food the man brought home. i was so glad when he said he was bringing dinner home. he wants to get laid. but whatever. i do too. but first i have to breathe again. and get the kids to bed.

while i was cleaning under the table and on the table after the day, a shrinky dink pencil fell onto the floor. it landed on another one, that had fallen before. i just needed those two and i was done cleaning up the shrinky dink project. magic. that's the kind of magic i am loving right now. simple and timely. but it's all the same. any kind. complicated slow~paced magic is very very cool too. magic=healing to me in this moment. there was a dear sugar column i read where she said something about _______=healing. i loved it. i need to go reread what it was. what was that word?

music. let's play music. must dance. and get that point where the bee's crazy fast dancing doesn't freak me out, because i get it. i need to get it. i need to be crazy and fast myself, or something.

here's my thursday in my garden picture. fairies. that's what's in my garden. healing fairies.