a girl with a cape

i had a dream the other night that i was posting too many self~portrait photos on my blog. that it was so bad. that i was just such a lost narcissist.

hmmmmmmmmm.

i say, in my waking hour, that that's not what's going on. it's a bit of self~loving fun i have with my camera, my self, my creativity, and then my, MY, little personal space here. it's fun. and i don't force anyone to look at this space. i share it because it is fun to interact and play blogland, and it makes me work with an edge, my edge of fear with shyness. so i say that to my inner self, my worry~wort psyche.

ok. moving on:

olive my dear has been planning for, asking for, wanting so bad, a purple cape for a while now.


we got to it yesterday morning. i asked her to draw a picture of her cape first.

she was very happy to oblige. each color was thought about, announced and then added.

drawing the fingers was the final move.

there's the purple fabric, in sepia, i found thrifting.....it's like a heavy washed rayon~silk feeling fabric. very heavy flow~y and cape~y.

the layout. with some small pieces of superbuzzy fabrics i've had for so

long, and the reds are some vintage pieces i've collected.

she assesses. she seriously went on to look at her drawing at this point, and then tell me that her cape still needed some gray. we found some gray. the bonuses of being a crazy~fabric~stasher~girl.

i made a small mistake and sewed the gray on the wrong side, cuz at this point i'd already sewn on the top with the very important black ruffle thing, establishing the right side.... but it was a mistake that was easily fixed with some gold bias tape i had on hand. easier than ripping. and way more fun!! olive was down with it. she did consult her drawing and decided this would be cool.

we decided that the colorful piece, once it was all sewn together, only needed to be attached at the top, to give the cape extra flying powers.

olive played so dreamily, dressing the same doll over and over, while i sewed the cape. we had our space heater on, i had a cup of tea, and we were happy. i could go into the psychology of myself here and how it was hard for me to start this project and all that, cuz i have a crazy form of depression that makes me a freak! it makes it so hard for me to get out of my head and into the zone and the flow. it's hard for me to start most creative projects, big or small. fucking depression! my kids heal me in such a huge way here. they inspire me to knuckle down, and get creative for them. knuckle down and choose positivity over negativity if at all possible. and then once i catch the wave, i'm so good to go. i want to get a big wave going. a big healthy creative loving open happy wave. hmmmmmmmm. thank you babies. thank you children. thank you for inspiring me like only you can.

coming together....

and voila. she has her purple cape. manifested.

love. so much to love here.

that cute little wispy black ruffle makes me so happy. it was totally her idea.

going about her business.

there's one of my little corners these days. i like it. i hope to be in there more and more.......hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

so.

this part is hard for me to write. olive all along, thought this cape was really going to make her fly. i knew she did. i didn't know what to say. i didn't want to just be a buzz kill and tell her it wouldn't. so when she put it on, and she saw that it didn't, she asked me for some magic salt. we got some of course. she did a little spell with it, which is what she's doing up there. then she says to me, 'mom, this cape is not working.' she says, 'mom, i'm not flying.' i say, 'yeah, i don't know what's going on........ but i don't know how to fly........ i thought you were going to show me.' uuuugh. such a boring mom i was. i was scared. scared to ruin this fantasy. i wish i was more cool, and had a better response. but she just kind-of did a 'hmmmm' , and went on to tie some black yarn around her ankles to make her more magical, and then went on to play in her cape and did some magic with the kittens.

here's what i will say next time we play dress up with capes. i will say, 'olive, we have to use our imaginations so so so powerfully, and imagine that we fly when we put our capes on. okay???? this is going to be all about imagining it, with all of our powers. okay babe?! you in? ready?!!!!'

so that means, and she has already told me this, that i need to make myself a cape!

sad joy mirror light owl apron

i was about to do something on the computer the other day, and our cat, pie, jumped onto the keyboard like a freak, and then jumped off just as quickly. when i looked up at the screen, i saw that she had typed sad into the google search window. and she had also hit enter. so on my screen, suddenly and freakishly, were the results for a sad search on the internet.

this is the first link listed. i am sure i have a slight, or maybe not so slight, case of this. what a cat. my sadness, though, is complicated. because there is more to it than just the winter blues. melancholia could be one of my names. so could freakia. hyperia. angeria. and apethia. oh, and yes, sometimes, joyeria. but sadness. sadness is just the way of the world sometimes. and trying to ignore it or deny it makes me awkward and more socially unacceptable than i already am. and sometimes just being real with my sadness, often actually, brings me back to my body and myself. which feels good, not sad. it gives me traction. is that so weird? sadness can bring me to good feelings? but it's not the only way i get traction. just, when i am sad, it's the way to traction, to be with it. avoiding it is no good. then i start to notice, there are just so many things to be sad about if i really start looking around and focusing on the sad. so so many here on earth. and in each of our lives. after a bit of sad focusing, i have to choose to look somewhere else. so eventually, i really do have to deny the sadness my attention. but i am pretty sure if i deny it my attention completely i would not be my whole self, i would not feel better at all. i think i can tell when the gentle attention to sadness has shifted into a downward spiral of 'oh fuck. this is insanity and i'm never going to get out of this black hole of pure deep unending sadness.' i really can kind-of feel when it shifts into that. that's when i feel like it is not helpful anymore, i have lost traction at that point, and it is a good move on my part to fly out of the black hole and choose something else to focus on. choose.

i choose to focus on opening right now. opening to something, specifically. opening to joy. just for the joyful hell of it. i am going to put my attention on joy. and it did just make me smile. that was quick.

it makes my head spin how many things there are to focus on. how many things need my attention. and then how in control of myself i need to be to watch when i start going down the blackhole of whatever it is i am focusing on. even the blackhole of joy exists. and it may sound like a blissful place. but i don't feel that is the case. if i were sucked into that black hole, i feel like i would become one of those people who can't relate to anyone in pain. someone who touts the message of the secret you know that movie?) as the way, the only way, and that if anyone is suffering it's because they haven't found their way to the black hole of joy that i did. ha. hahahaha.

i am now noticing since my shift in focus, that caffeine is bringing me joy in this moment. but, i am seeing that if i go into that blackhole, i could begin to tell myself that caffeine is the only way to joy. i will not do that, but i will enjoy this lovely moment of caffeine joy. english breakfast tea in a pot. after my first pot of ti kaun yin. strange two pot of tea kind of day i guess. but not a two pot of tea black hole day. oh my god i am getting over this. i promise. no more blackhole talk. i got us a new laundry basket last week. found that extra large one at the thrift. it is old, and only has one handle and the bottom has a twig or two broken out. but i don't mind those things. i am just psyched at how it feels to pour the laundry into a basket that is an appropriate size for the amount of clothes i can stuff into the machine. that little one was sort-of maddening. but when you go to the basket stores, like joanne's, there are no larger sizes. except at mcguckins, our fancy hardware store, and then the larger ones are all around 100 dollars. i haven't wanted to spend that on a basket yet. this one was 3 dollars. and that even felt sort-of high. ha.

yeah. olive decided to feed the cats the other day. gave me the impetus to vacuum the rug for the first time in 2 months? is that gross? nah. but my mother in law was a little grossed out at the state of this home on her visit last week. it's not horrible or anything like that. but she like things CLEAN. i do too. but i like breathing more.

the other day, i put on my apron in the morning. i looked down as i was tying it. i saw that tiny white lace apron sitting there on the floor looking so magical and alone. it felt like it was trying to tell me something. all i knew to do was take a photo. and then olive came along. with her sweet toes. this is now a favorite photo. i am still trying to understand what the white lace apron's message is. all i can get is, sew. when i look at it, i hear it telling me to sew. i am currently wondering how to make time for myself to sew. i would like to focus on that and see what i come up with. i do feel like, with situations like this, i have to get my machete out, and just simply hack away some space/time. i just have to create it. i have to commit to this for myself. and then simply make it happen. that quote is still percolating in me.

nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent ~ carl gustav jung

that quote feels like giving flowers to myself.

it feels like a large glowing bright bright light in the sky, coming to wake me up from a dark slumber where i dreamt of and for everyone but me.

that quote feels like a new magic mirror on the wall.

mirror mirror on the wall. who is the saddest of them all?

the children of the mamas and papas who don't tend to their own dreams.

.....ok. ha. that's a little dramatic. but a little true. very true?

mirror mirror on the wall. who is the happiest of them all?

the mamas and papas who know that caring for themselves and their dreams is the most important thing they can do for themselves and their children.

and when i say happiest, i just want to clarify, that i do understand, or i do believe, it is not constant happiness, but more happiness than sadness. an abundance of happiness. who has an abundance of happiness and gratitude, without denying the reality of sadness and pain? who? who ? who?

a few red randoms

got a question answered.

then went on to bake with one of those cracked frozen eggs.

i made my first beret. max's. so cute. and a little big. oops. it is in the dryer now, after taking a hot soapy bath. hopeful.

i made the hat from a pattern in this book, yet again. that is a good book for knitting.

new yarn for the next project traveling around in the bag of tricks.

i'm starting to think about taking down the christmas stuff. hmmmmm. chore.

i'm seeing red obviously. just bits. trying to keep it balanced. i love it when it's balanced. which reminds me. wrangle was the wrong word. i wrangled that road that day and it just about threw me and max over the mountain. no wrangling gonna happen here anymore. i forgot that forcing things doesn't work. i forget that at some point every day. words like dance, slow, early, space, forgive, try again, don't beat myself up, pay attention, and SLOWLY, most of all, are getting me closer to where i want to be with this new rhythm. slowly mama bear.

but i love that word wrangle. where can it be properly used, so that i'm not being shown what a head trip i am on? when do i get to be wrangler? maybe just in my living room when i'm dancing. not on snowy fucking icy roads at the top of a mountain. at least gregory alan isakov was singing to us when it happened. he probably kept me from going the speed that would have just been the kicker.

sweet interview with him at the folks festival this summer.

this is pretty sweet.

this will slow you down in the best way.

and to be extremely random, this is pretty funny.

souped up hulk and crew

souped up hulk and crew, originally uploaded by littlerockbabe.

test. testing on how to get a photo from flickr to blog.

this isn't exactly what i was hoping for. is there an easier way to do this so that when someone clicks on your photo on the blog it takes them to flickr, without having to post from flickr and then come and edit it on the blog??? anyone?

wrangler

this page today.

in particular this one which i came across a few days ago an haven't stopped thinking about, so i looked it up this morning:

nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent ~ carl gustav jung

i read all of them on that page and these also really did something for me:

the meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed ~ carl gustav jung

the shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases ~ carl gustav jung

an understanding heart is everything in a teacher, and cannot be esteemed highly enough. one looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feeling. the curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child. ~ carl gustav jung

so....there are some fertile thoughts from a guy i have the biggest respect and gratitude for. i write his middle name on purpose cuz i love it. i named a dragon aspect of myself gustav, in a process a few years ago. it's just the name that popped up when i was asked to name the dragon.

ME.

THAT'S WHAT THIS WHOLE THING, THIS WHOLE POST TODAY, IS ALL ABOUT. that's why i can't stop thinking about that first quote. so, WHERE AM I? what am I, I, I, doing for myself? i am right on the edge of losing myself, while taking the best care of my children humanly possible. and am i even doing that good of a job for them? maybe good enough, but i feel like there is such palpable truth in that quote, and i can feel in my heart how much better my children's lives would be if i could find my way to the path that incorporates my lived life. the one that is not about the grind of feeding and cleaning. and driving. i am wanting to get serious on myself. once again. serious. we are entering a new rhythm, this family, so that max can go to school, and also see a literacy specialist, five times a week. i am racking my brain for how to juggle this many balls. practice baby. that's how. so it starts today. i've done this before. just a few short months ago, this boy had spinal surgery, and he needed physical therapy 5 times a week. we did it. it was cool. his sisters did not suffer coming along to these appointments. they were thrilled for the most part. they know how to make the most of situations. so, i know this can be done in a balanced way, where I, I, I, don't get lost, but actually get inspired.

inspired

4 definitions found  inspired - Collaborative International Dictionary of English v.0.48 :    Inspire \In*spire"\, v. i. [imp. & p. p. Inspired; p. pr. &      vb. n. Inspiring.]      [1913 Webster]      1. To draw in breath; to inhale air into the lungs; --         opposed to expire.         [1913 Webster]         2. To breathe; to blow gently. [Obs.]         [1913 Webster]                  And when the wind amongst them did inspire,               They wav[`e]d like a penon wide dispread. --Spenser.         [1913 Webster]    Inspired \In*spired"\, a.      1. Breathed in; inhaled.         [1913 Webster]         2. Moved or animated by, or as by, a supernatural influence;         affected by divine inspiration; as, the inspired prophets;         the inspired writers.         [1913 Webster]         3. Communicated or given as by supernatural or divine         inspiration; having divine authority; hence, sacred, holy;         -- opposed to uninspired, profane, or secular; as,         the inspired writings, that is, the Scriptures.         [1913 Webster]         4. Moved to a higher level of thought, creativity, or 

motivation.

that is so cool that t be inspired, also means to be filled with breath. i never really took that in before.

oh god. i know we can do this. and i know it is gonna be so cool. my boy is gonna learn to read. he learned to walk and talk. and he will learn to read. and he is not gonna be a 3rd 4th or 5th grader who can't read. he is not going to feel like he is incapable or stupid. that thought, if it enters his mind, will be shot down so fast by the supportive team of teachers and family, and me. but i am speaking for myself here. myself. myself!!!! my little elf that is getting really scared she is gonna get lost in all this. but it will taper down. and max will have a summer. a summer where i don't take him somewhere 5 times a week. at least that is the plan. we do this now. he has an intensive. he won't suffer. but what about me? (i probably seem like i am really whining and crying over nothing here, but it's not nothing to me. i am scared. so that is that. i can't make it go away.) who am i?

a girl with a key. a key in my hand, a light in my heart, a christmas tree still up lighting up the way for me in this dark winter.

who am i ?

a woman with a son, who loves roosters these days. a woman with a son who benefits, and i believe needs, needs, a lot of extra help to get him on his way, with confidence and self assurance. a woman who would give herself over for him if that was what it would take to give him the best life, the best chance. but i believe, i do believe in carl gustav jung's wisdom, i believe that me finding my self, my SELF, and helping her stay out from under the plow of time flying by, and instead, getting her into the driver's seat of not only her son's path to literacy, but, BUT, BUT, also

her

her path

her path to

A R T

i do absolutely believe

her children will benefit.

i put on that rooster hat last night as i went out to close up the coop. i found two eggs. and i saw our rooster attempting a quick hump on one the hens. that was a first. a first for eggs in winter, and a first for me witnessing the rooster going for it with one of his girls. it's max's rooster hat. i got it for him so long ago when he was a baby. we just pulled it out of the winter gear recently and he was so excited. he had never appreciated it before. but now. his first word he ever read was hulk. his first word to learn to write and spell from heart, of his own will, besides his name, is rooster. the boy is cute. the boy is cool. the boy's mama is happy. the boy's mama will drive that goddamn snow plow herself, and choose where she takes her kids, and herself. she will wrangle this current rhythm this winter, wrangle it to her liking.

ok. ok. ok. ok people. wrangling. wrangler.

watch out. i am fucking dancing again. and swearing. shitshitshitshitshitshit!!!

warmed up. time to strip down and tighten up the jeans.

uh huh. dance blog posting is happening again. you know why? life got intense again. fucker. i came home today and said to myself, you can go down or you can go up, basically. or, maybe it was more like, you can go down, or you can not go down, and just see where you go that is not down. sometimes going down is just not gonna go down so well, and we know it. so i went to the side. i turned on seal first. ha. i am a cheeseball. i LOVE these two seal songs. well, i shouldn't say cheeseball. what should i say? let's just be real accurate, with no subjectiveness. i am a fan of these two seal songs. love's divine and crazy. they were my warm up songs. then i went to joannna newsome's, book of right on. yay. haha. laughing at how i love to say yay. i was a cheerleader once upon an 8th grade time. dodooodo. warming up to someone else first and then listening to joanna makes her sound that much better. you know, holding out for the good stuff. then to this song. that song there was transformative for me today. i just read the words and they are freaking intense. but the dancing, it got funner and funner. warming up did happen. even though i was stiff to begin with. i got hot. i felt where my hips are tight. i went into them. olive came in and made it that much more real. i found more gumption and me-ness. i found my freak and smiled. i yelled. i freed my self for a few minutes. thank fucking god for being able to free ourselves by going crazy to music. loud loud loud but not too loud for a three year old, music. music. music. loud.

olive's black hat

(ooo, and see her majesty in the back there?? it's so cute to me when she wears her robe. she is such a diva.)

an now for the wee black hat post. can you really post about just a hat? of COURSE you can. you can post about your toenail if that's what you want to do. i just had acupuncture and while lying on the cozy inclined table with a light silk on top of me and my needles, i sort-of found myself some space. i pulled myself back in, back into me. i backed away from all who i compare myself to. and they are many sometimes, when i get out of balance, and out of my skin, i do this thing and kind-of latch on to others, usually women, who seem to be outshining me, showing me where i suck, basically. i become like this magnet, for amazing women, and there i am in the middle, the one who sucks. ha. funny when i write it out. i can't really breathe when they are around me like that, pointing their creative prolific fingers at me. i self implode, and it hurts. so thank goddess for acupuncture tables and the space i managed to carve back out for myself. since i am tangent~ing so much, i will just continue for a bit. i decided to use a sweet gift of money i got for holiday from family, on a ten pack of acupuncture sessions. i went shopping at garnet hill one day on line, and filled up my cart with so much fun stuff. they have a sale now that is amazing. i really want this one dress with purple and blue and white feathers the most of all. oh geez. just looking at it makes me feel funny like i want it so bad i feel veruca wake up in me. oh veruca you are good. you are really really good. i love you. my daughters each have some veruca in them too. oh yes. it's deep in our lineage. such a powerful shadow that every powerful woman must have in her in this country especially, right?

anyhoo, i never paid for the cart full of prettiness, and went and got me some acupuncture instead. i've had to do this many times before in my adult life. choose alternative healing over spending sprees. well not even sprees, but often just simple stuff. this body of mine has been high maintenance off and on for 16 years now. yep. she wants her some serious love and attention from healers. more, way more, than a house and closet of pretty new things. ha. balance. hard. but the body speaks loudly and firmly, and really gives me no choice. i love power like that when i step back and see it in its majestic~ness.

like these girls. they are power like that.

the boys went snowboarding on saturday. i am pretty post-op still with my wrist, and was not even considering playing outside, personally. but i did have to bundle up to do some chicken stuff and to gather wood with one hand. and just to say, slowing down for chores like that, or doing dishes one handed, has been no problem. it's like my body and psyche are SO down with going slower. not even a peep from anybody inside of me. so, yeah, zhi saw the sled when she was out getting wood with me and simply asked about going. somebody in me said 'yes. but you know i can't carry your sister at all.' zhi went and consulted with olive. they came back and said, 'deal.' it's a ten minute walk to our sledding hill. no biggie, but olive pulls the 'carry me or i won't move' card here and there still, kind-of a lot. milking it while she can i guess.

am i so glad we went? holy moly. the sounds of laughter we all made were the best sounds i'd heard or made in days. weeks?

olive's hat was from this book, it's the same as zhi's that i made last. and max's is almost done. wonder what i'll tangent into on that post. oh, i'm sort-of scared. it's such an intense red.