thoughts while clearing cleaning and organizing, and then some late night thoughts to boot

hello silly freak!

okay. that's the simplest little project ever! doesn't she look cute!

and there she is with our girl solstice. in the baby doll sling. that cat is a trip.... i need to do a post just on her. she has a sweet story on how she came to us. it's amazing she's letting zhi carry her around like this.

ok, now for some random thoughts that came to me while trying to clean and clear my creative work space yesterday. that space is crammed. full. jampacked. a cluster. i'm trying to deal with it. why so hard? i'm a hoarder.

~you know how when you finally get around to doing something you've been wanting to do for what feels like forever, or at least a year, or a couple months, how, it all of a sudden feels like the absolute TIME to do it. things happen in the moment that make you feel like it was meant to happen actually right when you got around to it? i'm having that experience and it's making me want to trust so much more. trust that when i am not getting around to doing things i am wanting to do badly, that it's because it isn't time yet. it's making me want to say to myself that i am not a fucking loser for not being able to make certain things happen right when i want to. that i can only assist in making them happen when it is time. and just freaking trust in the timing of everything. even the things that suck. yikes. but do you know what i'm talking about?

~be prepared for fire. and be prepared to sit right where you are for a long long time. be prepared as best you can for both. nest. and be ready to bolt! you know what this means to me: make sure we have a trailer for our horses and llamas someday. hehehehehe....i'm so planning this someday.

~does it bother anyone else when you pick something up, from under a pile somewhere, that you can't remember why you have it or how it found its way into your home? or does this even happen to you?

~moth medicine. what is it about? me and moths have something going on right now. since the fire, i have been clearing some parts of our house out, feeling like a tiny wildfire myself. and i keep coming across moths in the woolens. i've said this before, that i suck at storing our wool properly. well, i went and bought these zipper bags for storing clothes and stuff, and i had to chuck a few things that were just not gonna fly anymore with holes all in them, and like i said before also, letting go of those things was a no brainer when i think about how we almost just lost our whole house, our whole neighborhood. i've been sunning a lot of the wool outside to kill the larvae or whatever they are, and now i'm in the process of storing it all in a smart way. moths are like vampires. they don't like the sun. david's bright (ha) idea was to put a skylight over our closet.

~i love the berenstain bears books so much. i am truly inspired by mama bear. over and over again. i wish papa bear wasn't made out to be such a doofus in most of the stories, but at least they make him try. mama bear, just flat out rocks every story.

and saving the best for last. while you sleep my first child, i write this tonight:

~this child is killin me. he wants his own computer so so so so bad. he wants. that's what i'm learning from my parenting group. it's not so much about the computer. it's how much he WANTS to BE. i'm not sure, beyond understanding my own desire to fucking simply BE, and how hard that can be, why he can't just BE without having something else first. oh my baby. it's so hard. i am here with you through thick and thin. and lately it's felt thick and thin and no you can't have your own laptop, but hey, i will work with you on these emotions, and i will work with you on your letters and your writing practices, and i will just simply stand by you no matter what. and i hope that someday you remember that, how i stay with you and meet you and work with you, more than you remember how we wouldn't give you a computer, a laptop, when you started obsessing over wanting one at the age of 8. and for the record, we did give him our old desktop mac a few weeks ago. it now sits on his desk, and he can play a few computer games on it. he was psyched for a few days. now it just isn't cuttin it. he wants a laptop too bad. poor child. poor poor child ( i say with sarcasm, i mean, come on!) but i am hangin in there with him. i am loving him, in between natural fits of my own when i just can't take the relentless request anymore, ANYMORE, i am loving him, and feeling into his deep desire right along with him. he is waking me up this kid. right and left. i love you max. i worship the ground you walk on practically. but i am human, and you are really pushing me to my edge here, so bear with me while i find the strength i wasn't aware i had, so that i can be the best mama i can be for you. i love you dude. ask me 100 times tomorrow. see how i evolve each and every day with you. and now let's get your dad on board, too. daddy has had it up to here, wherever here is. daddy is feeling done with this loop. i'm not. i'll keep coming back to meet you. and daddy will too. he just doesn't know it as clearly as i do right now. aren't we just like the berenstain bears! hehehe.

here i am with the list i helped make yesterday, while practicing writing with him, of all the letters he can recall from memory, how they look, and write himself, along with the ones he can sort-of do that with, and then the ones he hasn't got engrained yet. my boy. he does things in his own time. yes. sir. and so does his mama. in her own time, she will get him a lap top. maybe that's a good reason to get herself a new one??? naw. the kid needs to learn to read and write first. i think? i really don't know. this is hard stuff. i just know i love him. and i am doing my best. and he is doing his best. and we are a great team. somehow, i know we are.

smiling

it was fun. but not in the way i was expecting. i was really really expecting that the music would be so sweet and mellow and happy that i would just kind-of bliss out naturally and easily. and i was thinking the vibration was going to be so high i'd have trouble getting up there. that's what was kind-of making me nervous. well it wasn't like any of that. for me personally. i could tell, though, that for some, when i went to the place where there were some who were clearly tripping and spinning and dancing in the funnest of ways, it was like that. i'm a girl who doesn't know very many grateful dead songs, but the ones i do know i like a lot. they have about a million songs, and i didn't know but maybe 2 of the ones they played. maybe that's why the music wasn't like magic for me. what was magic was being with david! surprising after what a bum he was being about going. even as we were driving up, seeing how many people wanted a ticket, asking 'who's got my miracle', ha, david was like, 'babe, we could sell these and go to denver for the night and have a great time!' hahaha. i just wasn't up for not seeing what this modern day grateful dead scene was all about. and he was cool with my insistence. so cool. and real funny. my favorite date. with my cool funny guy.

oh! so as i went out, as johnny cash encouraged me to do, just before we left boulder, the shoe store was closed. but just next door to it, is a clothing store that is right up my alley when i feel like splurging. which is maybe twice a year. i looked at what i was wearing and realized it wasn't the shoes that were the problem, but my skirt! i was wearing a big full flowery skirt. it hit me that i needed jeans. i had ten minutes.

i asked the lady i saw first who worked there to help me find some jeans that didn't have a tiny low crotch thing going on. where it barely covers your pubic bone. i can't do that style. she says, 'oh, i haven't put these out yet, but look what i have here on the counter. here's a double zero right on top!' i didn't know size 00 existed! that shows you how often i shop for new jeans. i guess. and how obviously minute i am. i tried them on. they were exactly my size! yay!! i felt so much better, instantly. i wore them out of the store, went to have a quick veggie burger and a stout with david, and off we went. so fun. we parked under a large deciduous tree at the amphitheater. i thought about how it could fall down on us. or catch on fire. we toked a bit before we went on up. mildly altered. mostly sober. just right. walking, with me skipping a little cause my excitement was not containable, up the half mile from where we parked, we definitely passed, what i would call, some people with obvious sketchy energy channeling through them. a whole bunch o sketchy energy. i got a little nervous, cause it was strong, but we went on through it, and then huffed and puffed up the 500 stairs to the red rocks. serious work out! david said that's why people enjoy shows there so much, cause they get their endorphins pumping as they enter.

we got to our seats, and were immediately engulfed in dense cigarette smoke. we both used to be smokers. now that we aren't, it is so hard to breathe around it. we just took a lot of shallow breaths for about 2 hours. ha. i was able to feel the music just enough to want to dance a little. there was one point in one of the transitions between songs that we both really appreciated. one very powerful release that i loved. i realized that the magic was really happening for everyone else who knew every song like the back of their hand. we left those smoky smoky seats for good after those two hours, and walked all around and found the spot where trippy trippers were dancing like mad.

(that's my girl. the only one in black. yay for black.)

i love that.

we hung out there a long while before leaving just before the encore. i felt like an old person not staying for the encore. the old dudes of the grateful dead are pretty incredible.

i was in awe actually of how they were up there, rockin out a stadium with ten thousand folks, playing random random funky rhythms for hours. it was a random night i'm so glad we had. and after all david and i have been through, the biggest gift for me, was how happy we were to be together. how relaxed we were. there were a few years there, leading up to us almost getting a divorce, where we simply could not relax together. it was hell. somehow the therapy and time we put into communicating healed us and we found our way back. it was just so obvious to me saturday night at that concert how far we have come. and then sunday morning we got into a little tiff, of course. that's just the way it goes. but we are ok. and i am so grateful for the help we have had. help on the way was one of the songs i knew. that was the first song they played. this may be horrible, but i was wanting to them to play this song....

we got home and showered.

i really felt grateful.

on another note: october's sun has an enlightening interview with wes jackson. i read it as i ate my mass farmed wheat turned into mac and cheese. at least it was organic. what to do... something. we have to do something. and i feel like he's onto on one of those somethings.

oh, and i have a brochure there for the copper iud. hmmmm. gonna try it out. i hope me and copper are gonna be good friends.

listenin to johhnnnny cash right now..

is makin me kind-of excited for what d and i are about to go do. furthur. oh boy! i wish my sister was going with us. nothing against us being together alone, babe, but you have been slightly pessimistic about the goodness of my idea for us going to this concert tonight, and i know if claire was with us, she and i at least would have some silly happy fun. so, now that i got that out, i am also feeling a bit nervous! i've been to a handful of phish shows, and you know it's been a while, cuz i almost just spelled it, fish. how long ago was that? 15 years ago. 15!!! that is nuts. i did go to erykah badu last year and trip, and that was life changing. it's gonna be fun tonight....i know it is. why am i nervous? maybe it's the crowd. the unknown energy. but i've been told, as i know from phish, that the crowd is just a happy happy mellow crowd. and i'm not gonna trip tonight, so i won't have any unknown factors like that running through my blood, to intensify the night, which i feel sort-of sad about, and sort-of glad about. maybe next year if they come back, and if i like tonight enough. gotta check your landscape out sometimes before you just jump in to other realms. going to go check out the landscape of furthur tonight. ooooh, now i'm feeling excited more than nervous. i decided to wear my running shoes. ha! i was just wanting to run out of the house i guess. i am wishing i wore my big clunky lace up frye boots now. damn that. i could run to the shoe store across the street and buy some new boots. i am seriously considering doing that. i have 20 minutes before i'm to meet david for dinner before we go. johnny, what should i do? he said 'i was walkin down the street.' i'm going! here i go. bye! see you on the other side! even though i'm staying sober, for the most part, it still feel like it's gonna be another side. am i being funny?

373737373737373737373737. i like 3's and 7's.

the night before the fire.






crazy. this world really is crazy. and then there is the sanity that does exist, yes. but i know for certain that the craziness exists too. what are some more words for crazy?

chaos.

wildfire.

human behavior.

marriage.

parenting.

being born.

loving.

living.

dragons.

and sanity?

peace.

loving.

breathing.

growing.

praying.

exercising.

community.

hula hooping.

family.

love is in both categories for me! and family. and actually everything fits in both categories if i really feel into it. i can feel the craze and the peace in everything. weird world. let's just call this weird world from now on.

ahhhhh. coming to terms. when we come to terms, it sounds like we are coming closer to understanding our predicament. yeah? i am coming to terms, the terms of being here, more and more, however, i have a strong sense that it just goes on and on and on, and as we get closer and closer, the whole thing deepens, widens, and goes on further, and i feel that it really will go on forever. the predicament grows along with us. we are not even separate!

i hear a trash truck. i hear my kid crying cuz i don't want to play in the sandbox with her. i went and gave her a firm little talk about how i need to work on the computer. it didn't seem to work. she won't stop whining. (she went on to strip naked to see what i'd do. will i pay attention to her now? good one, olive.)

summer of 2010. see ya lata, as i eat my last peach from our beautiful sweet tree. she made a handful of peaches and they were so divine. fall of 2010. hello to ya.

i can't get any space. even when i have it, i can't get space from myself. there's something in me, like an angry unsatisfied lonely dragon, that claimed all my attention yesterday. what does she want? what? what do you want rolanda, oh shadow goddess who breathes fire? to go under the fear. under the pain. under the sadness. that's all. no biggie. ha. she doesn't ask a lot, actually. how much more simple could it be? to go under those things, i have to go through them. that means i have to feel them. i would say i was trying to not feel them yesterday. ok. i'll try again today. i'll just feel how annoying my daughter's whining is. feel it, but not judge it. my heart just opened when i tapped into the feeling inside and not the thought. mother fucking giant tortoise! this is nuts!

leg warmer season is here.

they're done! i really like them. the softest yarn i've ever felt. now i'm going to try and make a hat. my first hat. this one.

this girl is training these girls to like being held. it's so sweet.

i did not edit this photo and make it black and white. that is what our mountain looks like now. this is what we see as we drive to school. it's amazing. kind of beautiful. kind of depressing. i've never seen this kind of land before. i feel a sinking feeling as i drive through it. i wonder when it will feel normal to see this? i wonder if anyone is going to come shoot a movie and take advantage of the moon landscape?

she was really really good at cutting the ends off the green beans.

i cooked fennel for the first time ever yesterday. that made me feel proud. i learned a little. and then was inspired a little. i made us a veggie soup. i liked it.

we are going to see furthur tomorrow. holy crap! what have i gotten us into? our first sort-of grateful dead show.

beets.

hi. i'm at my beloved tea shop, and they're playing bon iver. i will always remember how i felt leading up to max's surgery when i hear these songs. and now, as i hear the wolves, i kind-of flip out internally at the impermanence of all this. and that in that video there is fire the whole time! everything. holy fuck! of course i relate it to what might have been lost most recently for us during the fire. and of course i think of all our neighbors that really did lose it all.

you know something interesting, is that yesterday, i was organizing and such, trying to put the house back together, and i found zhi's long red fancy coat. this one:

it had been attacked by the little moths all summer long and i just discovered what was going on. it was really sad to find it like that. this coat was so precious on her. she loved it. she wore it so much. but of course i thought how we almost just lost everything. so letting go of this coat is pretty simple in a way when i have that kind of perspective. so i did. i simply put it in the trash. noone needs to wear a coat with holes all in it. it's okay to let it go. but boy does it break my heart a little. god damn i am sentimental. this living just breaks our hearts over and over in small and large ways throughout our lives. yep. it breaks our hearts. breaks them right open. and then vulnerability and love starts oozing out everywhere. and salt water. then we pull ourselves together, stitch the seams back up, and hopefully, we slowly venture forth again to go after our dreams. not that the heart break isn't part of the dream. that must be part of it. and so must the joy. it's hard to ask for heartbreak though. it's easy to ask for joy. but that's somehow missing something crucial, right? acceptance? i'm not sure.

anyways, i am going to be better at storing my woolens. i am going to be better at storing our woolens. i am going to someday learn this lesson! and then a fire my come and burn it all up. you really never know. but it may not. so just in case, i am going to be better at storing our woolens.

we got to go to a wedding the weekend before the fire. our first traditional ( i think it was traditional) buddhist wedding ceremony. we got so fancy. and it was really fun.

(i must say that david is not sitting on the toilet pooping here, he's on the edge of the bathtub.)

the fire cam right around this area where the wedding was. such a large fire. but that house is still there. a mile up from there, a lot are not.)

i wore a dress my dear teacher/mentor/therapist gave me this summer. she's a fashion lady too, besides being a wise wise magical woman, and she said she had this dress that was meant for me. it's from the 20's i think and is pretty dreamy.

here we are on the long walk home from the school bus stop. that walk i mentioned a while back. that awesome awesome walk.

we picked some lamb's quarters on the way home, some sage, and then some arugula, which grew amazingly well in our garden this year. nothing else really did vegetable wise, but whatever. maybe i'm just an herb grower. my herbs grow super well.

this is one thing that i felt was still okay from our freezer when we got back home, the pesto i made. the freezer was still pretty cold, just not frozen by any means.

there are the cuties at the farm field trip we took with their school.

we picked these tomatoes too at the farm. you know what i was doing when i got the call that we were to evacuate our home? i had chopped these tomatoes all up along with a bunch of basil. i was just about to put them into the food processor to make some delicious sauce. instead i quickly put a plate on top of that bowl and put it into the fridge. and when i first smelled the smoke just before that, i was out with the chickens and a neighbor, just hangin out, peeling garlic for the sauce. i was still wearing my apron with peeled garlic cloves in the pocket when i drove us away from our home. the things i will remember. my neighbor smelled that smell and booked it home so fast. i was still thinking it was mellow. not too close. queen of denial. i even said to him, 'maybe someone lit a fire in their fire place this morning, it is kind-of cool.' he was like 'uhhhh, no. i don't think so.' he had a very different and strong reaction from me, and seriously ran home. i went back in to keep on with my sauce. yeah. good reaction, h! and then my friend showed up, running for her and her kids' lives. and then the power went out. and then i said, ok. this is really serious. really really happening and really really serious. goosebumps just came over me as i proofread. those tomatoes when i got home were covered in white mold in our fridge. now they're in our very full and smelly compost bin. whoever reads this blog, i'm not apologizing, but just saying, i may be processing this wildfire for a while.

oh god. now they're playing iron and wine. perfect. the tears are just right here. how can this sadness and love and joy and pain all be present all at the same time? it is amazing. and iron and wine is so good at allowing me to feel all those ways simultaneously. this song. it is perfection. my kind of perfection. perfection i can haaaaaaaaaaaang with.

time to go to the grocery store. have a babysitter for 50 more minutes!