blessing. on so many levels. musical love. exhale.

(this was written over the past week....took my time!...)

so. so . so . much fun stuff. i may like august the best of all the months. today is my mawmaw's birthday. what a good day! my mom's was yesterday, and now my paternal grandmother's today. i was surrounded by leo women growing up. and now i have one leo daughter. and i am leo rising. leo leo leo. love the leo. i have one leo child and two geminis. geminis are my opposite, does that mean they balance me out? i don't know a lot about astrology. i hope that changes. so. i want to chronicle our weekend. it was just so fun. first it started with the visiting buddhist rinpoche from bhutan to our area.

here is what i wrote right after it on friday.....

as i reflect on this morning's buddhist children's blessing ceremony we went to, i am feeling now, two hours later that it was magical. it was so strange to me, as an outsider to the buddhist community. it was our first time in the shambala center. the visiting rinpoche was very interesting to me. so UN pretentious. and yet the ceremony itself, had an air of pretentiousness that just made the whole thing fascinating to me. he sat in himself pretty easily, in his golden throne like chair. it was almost like he didn't fit into all the fuss that was being made about him. what is the fuss about? it really felt like he didn't understand it himself. but he does what he does. and he said he neither likes nor dislikes what he does. as a rinpoche. i feel blessed, really, to have been there with my kids. it was sort-of like i got a glimpse into a whole other world. a whole other fascinating world. so refreshing. there were some women from tibet, i'm guessing, there with their children. i love the way they dress. i love their energy. deep and sweet. and kind of easy seeming. we had to leave in a slight panic during the older kids' question and answer time because olive and zhi started fighting. kind of stressful. but no big deal. i mean it was a kids' thing. but i couldn't get them out of the shrine room fast enough for it to not disturb people. yep. that's us. disturbers of the peace. we're working on it people. i swear. noisy noisy we are sometimes. in inappropriate places. but it doesn't stop me from bringing my noise makers out in public! take that lady from bed bath and beyond who told me i shouldn't take my kids out in public, ever. and she was dead serious. take that!!! i won't stop. i won't. they may be unruly sometimes. but they are kids. they are kids and i don't want them to be the kind of kid i was brought up like, with that weird saying, kids should be seen and not heard. we're changing the world! one family at a time.

anyways....then i went and read a little bit from my restoring the goddess book by barbara g walker. i read this, on blessings:

"the thing i love the best, my favorite ritual, is the blessing. it's just so great that anybody can bless anybody, and we don't have to go to some male priest. i've come up against resistance to this. i ask someone, 'would you like a blessing?' and she says, 'oh no, i have to go to a priest for that.' i give people fairy blessings, which are similar to goddess blessings. it's fun, and it's a game, and joyous: but i'm dead serious about it, too. when i say 'thou art goddess,' i'm telling each woman that she is divine. i'm giving everybody blessings and telling them they're divine children of the goddess. ........i object to being told that because i'm a woman, i'm not allowed to do this, or i'm incapable of that. i think that's ridiculous. people first started to relate to the goddess because of the earth. the earth gives birth, and so do women. i think it's important that people honor that divinity in the fact that women give birth. the female was long considered divine. that's how it should be." (from page 268)

i know that's kind of tangential, but it's the blessing part that i was so excited by reading after just having gone to a blessing. a blessing is so sweet. bless you. not only when you sneeze!

so magical.

musical peaches




best setting ever

and then. then we went to our next magical event. music festival extravaganza. i bought our three day passes way back in april. kids are free, so it's not a horrible expense, but even if it were, i might argue that it is worth the high price. i wanted to be a mama that went to festivals like this with our kids before i even had kids. i am so glad david goes along with it. he secretly loves these things i drag, i mean bring, us out to. and i am so glad these kinds of things are often three days long. i find that by the third day, everyone has kind-of figured it out, relaxed into the pretty big change of flow and pace and scenery and sounds, and we are all just basically ready to move in. and of course it's the last day, but that's such a great experience/exercise in being in the moment and then letting it go. this time, our first day was funny. i took the kids out by myself early in the afternoon on friday, while david was still working. i felt brave. we met mimi and terry there.....who had scored us a good spot on the grass already. however, right after putting our chairs up, which have these backs that can go up like a canopy to shade you, we were told we can't have the backs up until a break in the music happens. they block the people's view behind us. max was very much not okay with this. he wants his chair back up and he doesn't give a shit about anyone's rules. max is a bright kid. and he can be stupidly stubborn. at least that's what i say. maybe there's wisdom in it, but as the mama who gets to meet those behaviors of his sometimes, i get to call it stupid here and there. he kind of threw an annoying tantrum and started knocking all our chairs over and crying and that is just not so cool you know, when people are all around you, kicking back listening to music, that they paid to hear. that kind of thing is stressful for me. i tried to quickly get him out of that area and over to the river to distract him. it worked pretty well once we were in the water. except then he started splashing. annoying again, right? and picking up the biggest rocks his muscles would allow, so he could throw them down in the water to get the biggest splash possible. there are a lot of people in this river at this point. see:

we had a babysitter coming to pick the kids up for us at 7, so we could stay late and see ani. she didn't go on till 9. that was awesome. i was tired, but very happy, and i just pretty much looked at the stars and listened to her. lovely.

next day, i want us out the door by 10 so we can get there early enough to get a spot on the grass. it's not happening as quick as i want, and i go into a pretty dark space, full full FULL of stress. i get mad at david for something, i can't even remember what anymore. when we finally get there, it is so crowded there's nowhere to sit as far as we can tell, at least not where we've ever sat before. this is the first year it's been sold out, and we are not used to it being quite this full this early in the day. but, i see a little spot behind the grass, behind the main path where people are allowed to set up big shade tents. this turned out to be a huge blessing. we could put our chair backs up back here! the kids can be a little freer with their movements and noise back here! it's a blessing we came late. i didn't need to stress out like i did at all. but i couldn't help it. luckily i let it go once we got there pretty much, which i attribute to the yerba mate i was drinking. what a good pick me up. okay. so this day is our 11th wedding anniversary! it starts off sucky with me being all tweeky cuz we aren't on 'time'. my time. we then all chill out for a while, but kind of split up and go our separate ways most of the day. this results in me getting tweeky again around 4:30, because i have this expectation that we are going to be having some quality 'family' time here. and we have our babysitter coming at 5 on this day to take the kids home so we can have some alone time on our anniversary a little bit. and take in swell season who plays last, at 9!! i get pissed at david as it is time to pack the kids up and walk them out to kristin. pissed cuz he was not reading my mind basically. we come back and i'm still pretty uptight. but i go and eat a bit of a magic brownie. chill out happens big time. yay!! d and i talk a tiny bit about what happened for me, and how we could be more organized the next day to help our flow feel better and smoother. then we are all better. we just kick back for a while. while we are kickin, a high school friend of david's walks by and stops to check in. he is working the sound booth and tells us we can come up there any time and watch the performers from there if we want. this is so awesome, cuz we are FAR back. but we did bring binoculars. and by the way, we don't really have many friends here at the festival, cuz noone wanted to come ( i think it might sound stressful for a lot of people to be out in the sun all day with their kids in a huge huge crowd, and cuz it was sold out when some people started wanting to. and my sister didn't come this year either. but we did bump into a lot of people we kind-of know. anyways.) once swell season goes on, david starts ripping the guy, glen hansard, a new one. he's like, listen to this guy, he's playing one chord, this is the kind of guy people will say 'can you believe he's self taught, and it's such a joke, of course he is.' blah blah blah. david is cracking me up, but i am feeling the guys intensity and feeling some serious talent and magic coming from him. david, the music conservatory student dude, can be a pretty big music snob sometimes. after a few songs, we go up to the sound booth area, and get some really sweet seats. THEN, the swell season sucks david in and it is so fun. we are absolutely mesmerized. whatever they have going on is magic. magic magic magic. david has now put the movie once at the top of our netflix queue. ha! i've already seen it but he wants to see it now!! hahahaha. first impressions are not always accurate AT ALL.

there's gregory alan isakov. i went up front to watch him for a while. he is very cool.

david and max got henna tattoos. max's says 'i love mom'. funny. but we really have been loving on each other a lot lately. sweet little mama's boy.

that was a fun wedding anniversary concert. happy anniversary babe. we are almost preteens. maybe we are. getting through and past year 7 is just everything as far as i can tell. yay for doing the hard work of our marriage with me dude.

so that was saturday. on sunday, we were all greased up and had our plan for staying organized and chill. we got there pretty early, but still it was packed, so we got similar spots to the day before, and david and i also put our chairs up a little closer where we had a better view of the stage and we could see where the kids were at the same time. yes, we let the kids sit all by themselves for a while. they are old enough to do this for 20 minutes at a time??? so crazy. they were so so cute at first when they set their chairs up. they all three got out their journals or coloring books, and just sat down and got all into them coloring and drawing. oh it was heaven for a while. i sat and knit, david played angry birds on his phone, and we listened to bela fleck and abby somebody playing their banjos together. fun....

why am i writing ALL of this down. it was a big weekend. so out of the ordinary. i just want to for some reason. went to the river again.

that river is the best. this time max was a little more in tune with his surroundings and it wasn't stressful at all.

ice cream happened every day.

and then, thank goodness, the hula hoop fairy enticed us. i don't even remember learning to hula hoop. but now, i know, i will always remember when max and zhi and olive and david learned!! we hung out in that area for hours. the rest of the day pretty much. we were all blissing out for the most part. watching your kids learn to hula hoop while listening to fun live folky music in the heat of the summer while sipping beer and chuggin water is pretty pretty pretty (larry david) good stuff. yay.

after these two photos were taken once it got dark, something freakish and scary and horrific happened. right along the river there are a lot of big huge cottonwood type trees. we were just doing our thing, hooping with glow sticks while john prine sang to us, and then out of nowhere a really really REALLY large tree branch broke off from one of these trees and fell right into this area where we were playing, along with a few dozen other people, mostly kids. oh my god. it was one of the scariest moments, span of moments i've lived through in a long time. david ran instantly over to the branch to see if anyone was under it. it was so large you really couldn't tell, and it was pretty dark. about 6 men i think moved it carefully off a little boy about max's age. david was the first one to him, he crawled under and held him and kept him from trying to move until a bunch of other people came over to help. the little boy was in some serious shock and after a while once a doctor and some paramedics arrived we learned his right femur was broken. but he was okay everywhere else. up until that point of learning he was seriously hurt, but gonna be okay, the kids and i sat in a huddle nearby, i was very shaky, and i instructed them to start praying as hard as they could for the boy who was under the tree. i've never said anything like that to them before. but somehow they understood and just really went in and felt into it with me. they knew their dad was helping and they were feeling very connected to him and the boy. it was so intense. deep exhale. and he is okay. i wrote to the festival director and asked how he is doing. he is gonna make a full recovery. and they will be checking all those trees extra extra carefully this year.

after that, we had to pack it up and go home. that was just freaky. and scary. and shocking. i'm so so so incredibly glad the boy is ok. thank goodness.

we saw a good good old friend as were leaving. that was sweet. we got to leave feeling some extra good love from him. we hadn't seen him in years. david and i were in such intense shock though it took a few days to find our breath.

i kept thinking i wasn't sure if i'd ever be able to play under a tree again. i sat at home monday morning for an hour or so tripping in a bad way on life's unpredictability. and then i said, wait. you get back on the horse if you can. right? if it feels okay. right? i could. it did. i went right outside, after turning on some loud folk music, be good's human thing, got a hula hoop, went under a tree, and worked some energy out. geeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. deep deep long exhale. and some tears.

and then olive spotted a magical magical caterpillar. thank goodness.

now we've moved on to home made hulas. those dinky ones are just not as satisfying as the bigger thicker ones, for me. they are still under way, all the taping decorating. i hope tomorrow we get some time and space to wrap them up. literally. doo do doo. you're a human thing.

.....we did get some time, my new hoop is all cute now. max's is done. zhi's is half done. olive's and d's to go. you know i'll post on that.

little bit...

of time to blog. it's hard to come by these days. playing with august has been filling up our days so thoroughly.

been going through pictures trying to delete a bunch cuz once again my disk space is getting low and i don't know how to transfer the files over to my external drive yet. dependent on the husband for that still. but not for long. i will learn soon! or else i can't dump my camera! that camera's got some good stuff on it right now. but here are two favorites i came across.

today is my mom's birthday. happy birthday mom! we had some fun today. she went with us to pick the rascals up from school. school started today! crazy crazy CRAZY. we love our new school. a living bee hive is right in the class room in a glass box. that was zhi's favorite thing about school today. max's was making a copy of his hand in the photocopier. then we came home and got busy making hula hoops. we are now serious hula hoopers after that festival this past weekend. olive insists on hooping around her neck. freaking cute. thanks mom for getting us going on the hoop making!

discovered these beautiful voices at the music festival this weekend that i really want to blog about soon before i forget all the little details. and of course these people put us under their powerful spell. oh my god. listening to those songs on their sight fills me up with such strong feelings remembering seeing them. wow.. i haven't seen a performer convey their intensity so clearly and beautifully as they did in a long time. uuuugh. it's a little hard to come back to regular life after a weekend like that. yumm yumm yumm live music for three days in august by a mellow river with a beach for kids. yumm. and the buddhist ceremony was otherworldly. well, it was actually very very this world, but so unlike our everyday experience that it felt otherworldly. i felt so so grateful to have been there with my kids. thanks to my buddhist friend for encouraging us to go if we wanted to. goodness. hardness. still loving the yin yang balance of everything. everything. every single moment. i just try to remember it. but i inevitably forget. so i just keep returning. here. now. keep coming back. no other choice. but pain.

take it sister!

i've been given some space at the end of today's afternoon, and all i wanted to do was write on my blog. ha. that is funny to me. funny is good. writing on my blog means connecting with myself basically. alone. with no one trying to talk to me. while i sip tea. for at least an hour. i get to go directly over into the right brain. turn off the left. well that's the goal. but you know how tricky that can sometimes be. when i 'm tired enough, like today, it's not so hard, though. my husband knows i've been workin it this week, not a single moment to myself all week till now. because he gave it to me. i am at his mercy. it is weird to be at the mercy of another person. i mean, i could hire a babysitter, but sometimes it's not that easy. maybe she's not available. or whatever. sometimes we are at the mercy of another. weird. i'm lucky he's nice. we saw winter's bone recently. that movie and reading little bee, really puts it in perspective how nice my situation is. it is nice. really really really nice.

today i am trusting that by not being strong and doing the right thing, i am actually encouraging deeper strength. i am going against my perfectionist nature. taking an hour to myself instead of making a homecooked dinner. we are so twisted sometimes. so so so so so so twisted. untwist yourself. let it all untwist.

let your jaw hang down. and your eyelids.

this is funny.

now i feel sad all of a sudden. emotions come through me like wild fire. and they go right through me like a flash if i let them. if i don't cling to them. i have no idea why sadness just came through me. no idea. but it did. it is still here, 20 seconds later. starting to fade a bit. i've been told emotions will often run their course in a minute if we allow them to fully run through us and don't try to stuff them.

my sister and i rode that ride last weekend!!! we took an opportunity! we screamed and laughed and made orgasm sounds the whole time. we held hands the whole time, too. that was a really funny thing to do on a sunday afternoon.

david brought chocolate and it melted. of course it melted. i'm not sure what he was thinking. but we all got a good laugh at it.

kids at a county fair are cute. and taking photos at a fair is fun.

cousin love is precious.

okay. for the next 20 minutes i will not try to rush uploading pictures. i will not write anything down that doesn't feel absolutely satisfying to write. i may not write another word. that is fine if not another word comes through me without forcing it.

this is my kitchen sink the past few days. i love it. i loved that flower there so much. she wilted today. i will miss summer a lot. i am just sitting here drinking chamomile trying really really hard to space out. i am weird.

there she goes. down a beautiful path. what will she find?

some of a chicken's most delightful of delights. some fresh raw corn on the cob. lucky girl. of course she takes it. do i always take what's offered me? no. it's so hard to accept offerings sometimes. the mind in me doesn't allow it for very odd reasons sometimes. but as i watch these animals take what's offered, i realize there is an animal in me that would do the same if she were in the driver's seat. why doesn't she drive more? good question. i have women's group tonight. what do i want to share? very good question again. no idea. i have nothing major to process at the moment. i'm on the side of love and gratitude for life's beauty and joy actually. i dripped hummingbird feeder juice all over me today as i was heading out the door to take us all to a playdate. i still hate the word playdate. but i have surrendered and use it now. as i was leaving, i was hanging up the refilled feeder and it drip drip drip dripped all over me. today is better than yesterday. yesterday was intense. not horrible but intense. it is now time to go. tomorrow we are going to a children's blessing by a sacred bhutanese buddhist. and then to another festival. where ani will be playing in the evening. freak out! and take it!!!!!

lalala

why do i love the words she says in this clip so much?

and this shirt.

i'm gonna tag myself for a meme from antoinette's blog just cause it sounds fun.

1) What is your favorite "me time" activity?

that is so hard. it depends on my mood completely. tea time at the trident to write is probably my fave. but hiking when i'm stiff is the best. and being creative in any way whatsoever at home is like heaven when i'm relaxed.

2) Favorite made-by-you item?

this dress. i have worn it so much this summer it's almost embarrassing. but it's not. i just love it.

it's funny to see it on that post cause it looks so new. it is now so worn in. even better! and the pockets are so great for gathering eggs in.

3) What is your "crap I have no time but must make something to eat" go-to meal? [Jessica says: I need more of these in my repertoire and am shamelessly hoping for new ideas!]

yikes. i usually just say a little prayer for inspiration and then start looking through the cupboards and the fridge and look at it like an art project. last night this happened, and it was pasta, grated raw zucchini, and cottage cheese, and avocado. i liked it.

4) One way you've changed that would seem most surprising to the other people attending your high school reunion?

oh. i'm not sure anyone would be surprised by anything i do. i feel like i was such a freak in high school, such an odd ball, you'd just never be surprised by me. but let's see......ok. maybe that i like to sing now, even when i'm not drunk.

5) When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

a doctor most of the time. i saved up money for weeks one summer when i was 8ish and then when i finally had enough, i went to the drug store and got what i'd been coveting for so so long. a first aid kit.

i also really wanted to be a mama. i always said i wanted 4 kids. looks like i was one off??

6) The next craft you want to learn?

how to dye my hair naturally! i want to play around with that. and makeup. i want to play around with the craft of applying makeup just for fun. and because my six year old daughter is SO into it, it is contagious.

7) Do you like having your photo taken? Why/not?

i do. sometimes. i like the challenge of trying to be exactly the way i'd be if the camera wasn't on me, when it is. it's so hard sometimes. and i like getting shots of myself that i like. i like about 1 in 30 of them. lots get deleted.i like doing self portraits, i just need to get better at cracking myself up so i can get a good smile more often.

8) Current favorite color combination?

gray and black and white and red. now, be proactive and tag yourself. that was relaxing. please let me know if you do!!

play properly

(let me just tell you this dress olive wears all the time is an old lady's polyester slip that she wanted from a thrift store once that i altered so it sort of fits her. it is her FAVORITE piece of clothing. oh. i love.)


hikey fun.

those are some cutie clothespin dolls zhi and i made at a play date recently at a neighbor's house. zhi is so into them. after just declaring to me that she doesn't like to play with dolls anymore. can you tell whose is whose? when we came home, zhi was so inspired and kept right on working on hers. she hadn't gotten very far at the playdate cuz those kids got a little crazy. i bet you my kids can beat your kids in the challenge of who can be the loudest and wildest. i was actually told yesterday by some old lady in a store yesterday 'maybe you shouldn't bring them in public.' i was stunned. i just stared at her for a solid minute thinking of so many ways to respond. i went with the blank stare. and then i couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the night that someone really really said that to me.

some links to some music we've been listening to A LOT lately:

this song has become my kids new favorite. if i don't learn to play that on my guitar and sing it with my kids, someone just shoot me.

this one!! it is a much better recording than the last one!! this one is for me and d to play together. shoot me twice if i don't get this going too. i did not incarnate this time to forget to play music. nonono.

or maybe this one for me and d. i love them both so much.

this cover she did solo is so sweet. i never thought i'd get into that style of voice, but after falling in love with joanna newsom, i have no problem going there. here is a song of hers that i feel is insanely beautiful and otherworldly. i like that particular link for it because they include the lyrics below the screen. that is such a beautiful song. with her songs, because they are often so long, if you don't listen to it all, you miss the intensity she builds up to that i LOVE.

this link is fun cuz you can watch her play her harp. and that is one of my faves. i have linked to these before i think. i am in love. i want to see her live so bad!!!!!

david's mom sent the kids a new photo album of their last trip out here. looking at photos is always fun, huh? she got some good ones. i need to learn to use the scanner so i can out them on here. she actually got one of me that i like. i am feeling so not photogenic lately.

i am going to meet with a surgeon tomorrow to see about having the cyst on my wrist cut out. a new surgeon. a specialist of the hands. i have put this off for so long. i don't know if i will go through with it. but if i do and i am relieved of the pain i feel when i play guitar and do yoga i will be so PSYCHED!! so so psyched. and i will have matching scars on both wrists. when i was 8 i don't know how i did this, but i slammed my whole right hand in the car door and i have a sweet little diagonal scar across my wrist. maybe i can ask the surgeon to try and match that one....next day now. i met with him and i just don't know what to do. he said to play the guitar properly and see if i'm happy with how it feels before i get surgery. meaning, upright. hold the guitar upright. kind of like the way john and george are in this vid. with the neck in a more vertical position so it doesn't tweak my wrist so much. i love that video. and then for yoga. i don't know. i went on a run and did some sun salutations and a down dog for a nice long time this afternoon and it didn't hurt. maybe i just need to learn better posture for everything i want to do. i'm not sold on the surgery yet. i may just smash it again too. i went running on some rail road tracks. it was so surreal feeling. and then just as i was getting back into my car, a train came along. there was spilt coal all over the tracks. and other weirdos like me wandering up and down them. i do recommend running on tracks. very meditative cause you really have to pay attention to every step.

i was trying to sing one of kasey chamber's songs today at home and i was having a hard time getting some of the notes right. olive told me to try a new song! ha! hahaha! she is so cool.

i told her i wanted to practice it and see if i could get it right. she's like, 'no, try a new one please.'

playing with august

things to remember when i'm bored at home. cuz that happens a lot. heh.

this looks fun. so does this.

i love this. it reminds me of something she posted once.

this zucchini soup looks so good.

this is a story i love. remember how healing the animals are for us. treat them with lovelovelove.

still loving mate. having my first pot of chocolate mate. so good.

after my parenting group this morning, i am feeling so much renewed, and refreshing gratitude for my kids. when we say our kids are our teachers, i feel like we mean that in many many ways. the one i am zeroing in on right now, is the way they show us ourselves. how we are feeling within ourselves. where we are within ourselves. they are the ultimate askers of the question, 'who are you?' this is not for the faint of heart. the faint of heart mothers will see and feel themselves in ways they aren't interested in, and put up many walls between themselves and their children. the faint of heart mother just needs support. the warrior mother, who is lucky enough to have some support in her community for this kind of mothering, will say holy shit! look what is inside me and how i am responding to this innocent child. whoa, fucking nelly! ha! she will say, 'i need to feel this intensity and let it run its course, without blaming my child for causing it. i own this. i could respond a million different ways to every situation, and when i respond in a way that might at first make me want to scream like a banshee or run for the highest hills, i need to ask myself how i got here. how did I get here. i got myself here. was i not breathing? did i start to tighten and brace? did i begin to tell myself some story about how out of control my kid is and then go on to beat myself up for failing as a mother? did i then react from a place of fear and desperation? cuz another way to respond to a child of mine who is acting like a crazy annoying lunatic tempting me into all those other behaviors myself, would be to find myself in that moment. just find me. me seated way down in the womb. breath with me. and then, after i've found my own self love again, pour it out for our children. pour the love on the crazy lunatic. not the discipline. the crazy distressed child wants love. always. they do not want us to set hard firm boundaries, scold them, and tell them 'never do that again.' i like boundaries, when they are set with love. even fierce love. but the ones set out of anger are not effective in the long run for creating connection, which is our ultimate goal as mothers and humans. when we feel it is absolutely impossible to respond in a loving way, that's because we can't find the love within ourselves, for ourselves. but once we retrieve it, by doing whatever it takes (walking away, breathing, beating on something inanimate, screaming into a pillow, letting ourselves cry, a yoga pose or twenty), then we can respond from that infinite well of love that i know we all have for these babes of ours.

the other day, david wanted the kids, max especially for the therapeutic benefits, to go outside on a walk around the neighborhood. we seem to often have a hidden agenda these days around our physical activities. they are so good for max! how can we not be thinking of that all the time? it's hard not to get bummed when he's not into it. he wasn't on this day. so i stayed home with him. i didn't care. at all. i thought of leslie, who leads my parenting group, and i heard her say 'he just wants love.' i heard another voice in me say, 'don't let him think staying home is fun. ignore him so he'll feel like he's missing out on the fun outside.' what a jerk that voice is. or , what a fearful mother that voice came from. i easily resonated with the love inside for my boy, yay!!, and was like, 'hey! i'm gonna make this extra fun, or at least extra loving! this is a rare opportunity. just max and me at home for a bit.' so i got some chocolate. dark of course. some coloring pencils. i went and sat down beside him. i asked if i could color beside him. he said yes. i asked him if he wanted a little chocolate. that's not a huge out of the ordinary question at our house. it's also never been answered with a no. so we just sat and colored and ate chocolate. and because he is also delayed quite a bit in his literacy development, i had a slight hidden agenda going by bringing over the colored pencils. but it was so slight, that i don't think he picked up on it. i didn't ask him to write his name or identify letters or anything. i didn't even ask him to color. i just sat with him. he became interested right away in coloring, though. and then we ended up sprawled out on the floor. we colored in his spider man work book. we made the most beautiful and wild spiderman pictures ever! we had a lovely contemplative time. something that i find hard to come by when i am so busy with an agenda, trying to make things happen the way i think they are supposed to happen. the next day, we all got in the car and drove to our favorite shady hiking trail. we hiked for two hours. all of us. we went further up that trail than we ever have with the kids. and it wasn't forced. for anybody. i'm not trying to say i'm now a master of going with the flow. no way. but i recognize it when it happens. and i know where i was. that's maybe all it takes to be in the flow. and just to remind myself, i will find myself in times again for sure where i don't know where i am. where i am just grinding my teeth and feeling like i have a curse on me. and i will probably also know it because i will feel either angry, or tight, depressed, or scared. and then if i'm lucky, i will be able to tend to myself. to start breathing, stretching, swearing (out of my kids hearing range, if possible. if not, sorry kids! mama has a potty mouth some times. i could at least go stand by the potty when i swear like i ask them to do with their potty talk.), dancing and singing until i feel my own self love once again. leslie swears it only takes a minute to really connect back in with ourselves and the moment.... a quick minute of 'putting on our own oxygen mask first.' just a minute! we don't have to abandon our kids or leave our daily lives for a spell to do this. it mostly boils down to the breath and the connection with the body. and for me, closing my eyes for a bit. my husband prefers ear plugs at times like this. so he can hear himself again. whatever it takes to get back to our own wells of love. wells. deep deep pure wells. they are all our children want. they are all i want!!