she who is a 6 year old monkey now!!

once upon a time, she was 3!

and then in what seems and feels like a day, she is 6!!

on the eve of her birthday, the parentals were busy busy sewing and streaming!!

(getting ready to turn some fabric tubes for the dress ties here. i love that fabric tube turner SO so much.)

(this is my house sewing machine, that i scored in such a huge way at an estate sale in our neighborhood 4 or so years ago. i even knew the woman who used to use it. a very fine woman and sewist. it feels like an honor to have her machine....it is a gem. an old bernina with metal everything, that i ADORE.)

after asking for presents immediately upon waking, she goes outside to

see to an 8 am delivery of a rented bouncy castle, which came by her request. super crazy random fun thing to wake up to for everyone!!!

after seeing to castle's erection, she returns to finish opening some gifties....

not sure where this desire came from, but she specifically asked for a golden robe. with no collar. that was very long. she is such a queen. royal to the bone. always has been. she even started speaking queen's english when she learned to talk. i swear, she had an english accent. everyone commented on it.


braids were asked for too. so a grandma of hers offered to french braid her long long hair into 5 beautiful braids.

she is happy!! you can't tell so much from these photos, but she loves it!! she has carried it around with her in her backpack to many places, along with a few of her other gifts that must accompany her everywhere while they are new. including her new eyeshadow that she asked for. i went to the health food store and found some nice stuff that isn't scary with chemicals. she also got a ten dollar bill. because she asked for money. money is hard to come by for a kid who hasn't lost any teeth yet and who hasn't shown interest in earning it. but now she has some!! she has asked me how much the eye shadow cost. it was less than ten. she's now got a plan to go to the store and get another one. she's totally sure that's what she wants. i LOVE it. i'm not reading into her desire to play with make up at all. i am just embracing it and letting it be the innocent sweet thing it is. i am even playing with make up myself these days more, a lot thanks to her! it is fun! why not?

she has worn the golden robe every evening before bed, and every morning right when she wakes up. my fancy fancy girl. she knows what she needs to feel as much like herself as she can. so inspiring.

i lined it in some sweet old cottons. i redeemed it from being the granniest robe ever, to being a cool magical creation, with the help of the silver trim. voila. seriously. it was just like a 'voila' moment. after a panicky trip to joann's, some divination tricks in the trim isle to determine out of the 500 trims, which one would make her robe a loved robe, i came home with some snakey silvery stuff that was just meant to be on this robe of hers.

she had herself a sweet cutie party, with some dear friends, and we all had ourselves a good ole time. (with the help of a chocolate chocolate cake from daddy's bakery of course.)

thank you my sweet sassy thing for coming to this world. thank you for being yourself, so strongly, so honestly, so powerfully, and sensitively. thank you for being a goddess from the get go. for knowing what you need and want and going for it like you do. thank you for embracing life like you do, with such wide open eyes, heart and mind. thank you for being one of the funniest creatures i've ever known. and sharpest. scary sharp sometimes! thank you for forgiving me countless times for being a crazed shadowy mama. thank you for your magical love. your way with animals. your way with babies. your way with adults. your way with new situations. your way with your big brother. your way with your little sister. your way with art. your way! it is your way. and you know it! i am in awe of you. and i feel incredibly crazy overflowingly lucky to be your mama! and i know for sure that your daddy feels the same way. happy birthday angel.

yumm. you are yumm. and strong. yumm and strong. yay for you. i don't want to stop pouring on the love here. ..........love.....love.....love.....love.....love~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!

twas simplicity 8488 that i used for the goddess robe.

(this is my other machine, that you can barely see, that i financed for a year, all on my own while going to college and paying for that all on my own too, while working working working, and with the help of my new husband a teeny bit.... i am so proud of my first bernina purchase, over 12 years ago. it still works so well. and i'm grateful to my mom for steering me in the direction of the best machines in the world.)

i used the same girly style wardrobe pattern that i used for olive's dress, because the 6 year old asked for it. and here is where i say, that zhi has not taken her dress off for 5 days now. i have never seen her do this before with a clothing item. she sleeps in it too. it's so precious. she takes it off to go swimming, of course, but right back on it goes. i wonder how long this is going to go on? i predict tomorrow. she took her streamers down today. coming down from a big birthday day is tricky. i like how she's doing it. her way.

like son, like father. david never used to wear superhero t's, or drink from superhero mugs. max has had quite the influence on him. lucky man.

briefly

(this was supposed to post a few days ago. it didn't somehow and i just now realized it. can't wait to post the golden robe!! maybe tomorrow.)

i just saw and heard a grandma, pushing her grandbaby in a stroller, go over a little bump in the doorway coming out of the cafe, it jiggles the water in her cup in the cup holder on the stroller, the water spills a little on the baby's foot, she says in a super annoyed way, oh fuck. then wipes the baby off and says in a really sweet way, did you have a little bath? it was so so funny, and cute. we are strange animals. i also saw a white dude driving a car next to me today, dressed in a dressy shirt, a tie, looking a lot like a straight business man kind of guy, BLASTING some rap music with a LOT of swearing and talk about dicks, while he nodded his head along to it. never would have guessed he would listen to tunes like that if you just saw him on the street. or maybe you would. but you definitely would never have guessed that that grandma would say fuck the way she did. hahaha. funny people.

fresh peas are magical in their perfect little envelope.

there is david apologizing to me for being a jerk. ha. i made him beg.



her birthday is tomorrow, going home now to hopefully sass up her robe. fingers crossed.

nutmeg smells so good. my kids grated 4 nutmegs yesterday just for fun. no shame.

no shame feels like....fun. so free. hi. whatever. oops. i still care. but i have no shame. i don't ever beat myself up, and if i did, i'd have no shame about it. i don't intend to beat anyone else up either, but if i did, no shame. just trust. i trust myself. i am lucky to be able to say that. well, i mostly do. i do. i do.....i tell the truth. no shame. hi. play with me. i am now interested in maintaining my eyebrows after just having them shaped and penciled a bit, for the first time. i love fashion. even if it's mostly in my dreams these days, while i am full time mama. but there's no shame for loving what i love. i love myself. let's fill myself up of myself so that i can move along and give all i've got afterward for the next few days to my little girl who is soon to be seis. i just bought 9 yards of gold bias tape at joann's to complete her robe. yikes!! ok. before i go into my narcissistic self~love, i need to say that as her robe came together more, it began to look like the granniest thing i've ever seen. grannier than your own granny's robe ever was. shit!!!! david told me i need to get some sparkles on there. so i got sparkly ric rac too. shit!!!!! now i fear it's going to become the craftiest granniest robe the universe has ever seen. shit!!!!!!! shit shit shit. praying for divine intervention to come in and show me how to rebirth this robe that's not even been born yet. shit!!!

ok.

self love.

• i love when i am grounded. i love the freedom i feel to reach anywhere i want, while feeling safely attached to the ground. i love the clarity i feel then.
• i love that i rise to the occasion most of the time. i rise out of bed every day, mostly, and do my best.
• i love how much i love my family and my friends. i know some people don't have this feeling. that makes me very sad. while i love my family, i am also sad for others who want love and don't have it. the bum on the streetlight corner that was talking conspiracy theories to me today.
• when i am not grounded, i flutter. i love to flutter. i might as well just get into the flutter while it's happening instead of trying with all my might to get my light~ass self back to the ground.
• i love how i miss my kids within 1 minute of dropping them off at school, usually. i wish i could tap into that more when they are buggin the shit out of me at home.
• i love lilies. i have a rainbow of lilies blooming in my garden right now.
• i love how i realized that the way i garden is more of an art-form than a farm-form. this year anyways. i love my garden. i love it. but it doesn't feed us very well. but it is beautiful and magical and healing in a huge way. we get our veggies from a real farmer since i am not one. i love my garden so much more now that i've accepted it and me for what we are, today. i love the carrots i let go to seed. and the lettuce. there is a full on cycle happening right before my eyes. not in my belly. i am learning something by doing my garden the way i'm doing it. i don't know what exactly, or how to explain it, but i know i am.
• i love people sometimes. i love their exposed hearts.
• i love that whatever i love, is some reflection on what i love in myself. and vice versa. i love how not seriously i can take myself when i'm being bugged royally by somebody else, knowing i have that same aspect of annoyance in my self for sure. if somebody's behavior gets no response out of you, then it's not yours. we are all a bunch of mirrors.
• i love the trip max and i just had.
• i love my revelations. i love learning about the divine feminine within me. divine!!! and i love my man to learn about his divine masculine. they are each so divine when they are recognized!!! this organization and their teachings and trainings helped david learn so much about his masculinity. i can't say enough about how it helped. i have had many many women mentors that have taught me endless wisdom by sharing themselves deeply, honestly and fearlessly with me. it seems harder for men to find that kind of mentor for some reason, in everyday life. the sacred kind. well, that organization is there instead. one of many ways, but the one that found its way to him.
• i love being feminine. feminine even in my shadow self, rolanda. she has balanced masculinity to be sure, but she is most definitely feminine. a lot like that woman in the girl with the dragon tattoo film, actually. toughie but a solid girl. a sexual solid fierce woman. who wears some black.
• i love being feminine in my out and about lighter self too, although i actually prefer it when rolanda is reachable. but when it's just me and frida, i love the simplicity of her way. so southern. so innocent. so flowery.
• i love forgiving myself. i screamed no at olive yesterday. it sucked. but the child was freaking me out. even though she's weaned, i mentioned before that her transition comfort has been feeling my boobs. she was refusing to respect my boundary yesterday. i just wasn't available in that way yesterday morning for a while. she wouldn't accept that. i ended up screaming no like a meanie. she listened then, at least. i felt awful, and i forgave myself. then we had a great connection. go figure.
• i love that i taught my big kids to swim WAY better than their swimming teacher has this summer. ego.
• i love that i know when outside help is needed. even if it's hard to swallow, that at this phase i cannot be an academic teacher for max, i just don't have the skillz right now, i can take action and hire him a tutor. i can hope to learn the skillz, and someday be what he needs. but if i am not, i love that i know i will still love him up and support him as only his mother can.
• i love july. i love trips. i love home. i love my sister. i love my sewing machines. i love that i learned how to knit. i love chicken sounds. and chicken body language.
• i love this poem a friend in my women's group just sent me, saying it reminded her of me and my process lately..

(From) The Invocation to Kali

There are times when I think only of killing The voracious animal who is my perpetual shame, The violent one Whose raging demands Break down peace and shelter Like a peacock's scream. There are times when I think only of how to do away With this brute power That cannot be tamed. I am the cage where poetry Paces and roars. The beast Is the god. How murder the god? How live with the terrible god? The Kingdom of Kali Anguish is always there, lurking at night, Wakes us like a scourge, the creeping sweat As rage is remembered, self-inflicted blight. What is it in us we have not mastered yet? What Hell have we made of the subtle weaving Of nerve with brain, that all centers tear? We live in a dark complex of rage and grieving. The machine grates, grates, whatever we are. The kingdom of Kali is within us deep. The built-in destroyer, the savage goddess, Wakes in the dark and takes away our sleep. She moves through the blood to poison gentleness. She keeps us from being what we long to be; Tenderness withers under her iron laws. We may hold her like a lunatic, but it is she Held down, who bloodies with her claws. How then to set her free or come to terms With the volcano itself, the fierce power Erupting injuries, shrieking alarms? Kali among her skulls must have her hour. It is time for the invocation, to atone For what we fear most and have not dared to face: Kali, the destroyer, cannot be overthrown; We must stay, open-eyed, in the terrible place. Every creation is born out of the dark. Every birth is bloody. Something gets torn. Kali is there to do her sovereign work Or else the living child will be stillborn. She cannot be cast out (she is here for good) Nor battled to the end. Who wins that war? She cannot be forgotten, jailed, or killed. Heaven must still be balanced against her. Out of destruction she comes to wrest The juice from the cactus its harsh spine, And until she, the destroyer, has been blest, There will be no child, no flower, and no wine. It is time for the invocation: Kali, be with us. Violence, destruction, receive our homage. Help us to bring darkness into the light, To lift out the pain, the anger, Where it can be seen for what it is— The balance-wheel for our vulnerable, aching love. Put the wild hunger where it belongs, Within the act of creation, Crude power that forges a balance Between hate and love. Help us to be the always hopeful Gardeners of the spirit Who know that without darkness Nothing comes to birth As without light Nothing flowers. Bear the roots in mind, You, the dark one, Kali, Awesome power. by may sarton

okay, onto my focus on this princess.....

ps~~i keep thinking of this story i read the other day. (it's a tease to read only half of it there, but that's all they put up on line.) mostly the part about how 'writing can work in two ways, it can distract us from out practice, or deepen it... and that the latter is rare.' (i wrote that mostly exactly from her story.) i tried to stay in my practice, whatever that means, while i wrote today. how do i know if i did? i just kept coming back to the heart. that's all i know to do.

max's 4 months after trip

cutie boy and his mama on an airplane



cutie boy looking at a dragonflies in st. louis

cutie happy boy pushing the wheelchair he was pushed home in 4 months ago, back to the children's hospital

cutie boy and his happy mama in the dr.'s office

cutie boy and his surgeon, his red shoes, and the cutie assistant

cutie boy who wouldn't look at the camera cause he was telling a story, with the cutie surgeon

cutie boy walkin back and forth for the therapist's video, while he sucked a lolli

old old cutie dr's homeopathic kit in a museum case at the hospital

cutie boy and a smoothie

cutie sky on the way home to denver

it's not all cutie ( i hate it when people say it's all good) but it kind-of all was yesterday. we had the best best post~op visit. it was really so much fun to see all these people again in this celebratory way. this should all be on max's sdr blog, but i keep that a little more pro feeling since lots of other parents read it who are looking into the sdr surgery. it will get a new post soon, a more pro one. max was even recognized outside the hospital by another mama whose daughter had this same surgery last week, because of his blog. max, when we saw this family, wanted to show them how he used to walk. he looked at me first and asked me which leg it was that used to be so tight. he can't even remember. i can, for sure, but that's crazy. the doctor loved how well max is doing. we can slim down a lot on his pt appointments now and sign him up for martial arts and soccer, or whatever he wants to do stay active. that's all he has to do now, stay active. daily stretching at home will be needed forever. david and i were talking last night of just having family stretch time, instead of max stretch time. we all need it. seriously. who doesn't need to stretch. max just REALLY needs it. but so do i. i REALLY need to stretch my body.

looking back on this whole journey through his surgery is very trippy. like an acid trip really. huge trepidation. huge courage. huge climax. huge grace discovered. huge coming home in the end. and the huge relief, love and earth shattering gratitude that we are home now, and have brought home with us some seriously hard~earned jewels. max really did. and then there's the way i just love humanity, and our potential. what we are capable of doing for each other. have you seen the double rainbow guy on you tube?

fireworks that greet us home. seriously. as i drove into town last night there was one large golden firecracker that went off right as we saw boulder. just one. so weird. what was that?

max takes dr. park very seriously. it is so cute to see. it feels like he gets how serious dr. park's work is, and he just holds that when he's in his space. the letting down and relaxing came with the physical therapist, and me.

being in the hospital again was intense at first. when we first got to the elevators that we used oh so many times, tears just came out of nowhere. totally out of nowhere a gush for me. and at the same time, max was very busy asking me how i knew i could trust dr. park. he was remembering how we had also been to see another surgeon in denver to get a 3rd opinion. max was looking back on the whole journey in his own way, and that's the first time i've seen him remember all those preliminary visits in the decision making process. i told him his dad and i just learned all we could about the different surgeries and felt like dr. park's was the best one for him. simple. and true.

it's interesting that i took that photo of the old homeopathic kit yesterday. it was such a letting go for me to embrace a surgery as a healing method for my kid. i am such a fan of homeopathic types of healing. super non~invasive, letting the body do most of the work. but i am here to say now that i am not on either side predominantly, anymore, like i was. i still LOVE my homeopathic remedies and find they are completely miraculous when i need them. and i LOVE what this surgery did for my son when he needed it. obviously. i will still hesitate when it comes to going from my preferred modality to a more invasive one, but not in the judgmental way i used to. all this i still go through even after it was a cesarean that saved his life before he even took his first breath.

love. love. love the children's hospitals. thanks so much western medicine. you are a complete miracle.

so many miracles. so much magic.

MAGICAL MIRACLE MAX.

i seriously used to call him that when he was a baby like 80 times a day.

and one more thing. i keep adding more and more on here. a huge shout out to the daddy. the daddy who searched and searched for a way to help his son. he found this dr. and this surgery all on his own. the therapist and doctors we'd been seeing since max was born knew nothing of it. i never had the impulse to look for something like this. i would look for essential oils that would help him. or magic spells. daddy knew of other places to look. so cool.

dancing again

half dark face, half light. that's me!




it started out innocent. i was simply sweeping to some old ani. buildings and bridges never fails me. the kids were feverish watching an old alladin vhs they scored at the thrift recently. they are so cute thrifting. zhi recently thrifted all her napkins and plates for her upcoming birthday party and a BUNCH of streamers. like 5000 feet of streamers. she wants her party done right! the plates and napkins have rainbow ponies on them. she is keeping them by her bed for now. oh i love her. and she's asked me a hundred times when i'm going to hang up her streamers.

after sweeping, the dancing carried over into the kitchen.

the dancing ended. but try dancing with your broom soon. props. and a mushroom is a beautiful thing. oh yes.

here i am working working working on my girl's wish list for her birthday. she wants a golden robe. and a pink dress.

so far the robe is pretty much done, except for its lining. i love it. except the polyester part. i am really surprised that i actually bought polyester. but there was no other proper gold at joanne's. i'm lining it in vintage cotton. so it should feel alright to her skin. she loves polyester, though.... so there we go.

and here we are today in the waiting room at the hospital. max needed an xray for his 4 month post op appointment. he and i are flying to st. louis on monday. we are both a little excited. a random adventurous day for us together. i wonder if he's gonna think he sees barrack obama again. and we learned that sucker fish on the side of the tank is a remora. yay. i actually remembered what it is called. max was really into him. i just wish he had something better than glass to suck on. like a shark. max was asking what would happen if they put a shark in the tank. he was really feeling for the remora. wanting him to be more satisfied. i didn't say a word to put this in his head. max is just a real empathic guy. always has been since he began taking the world in. and look at him with 'tigee' under his arm.

open

close. open. close. open. feeling lazy today. feeling fully freaked on some level after getting through the half way mark of the little bee novel. i hope that doesn't give away anything for you who haven't read it yet. sorry if it does. but with all the comments on the back of the book, me saying it is intense isn't any more than what they say, for sure. but i tell you, i'm holding the power and vision of the great eastern sun in my heart, and having a proper cup of tea now.

“hold the sadness and pain of samsara in your heart and at the same time the power and vision of the great eastern sun. then the warrior can make a proper cup of tea.”

pema chodron quoting chogyam trungpa rinpoche

having a proper cup of tea is fucking intense. do you think it's intense for pema? i am having yerba mate today. caffeine is not my friend these days. yerba mate is strange. why is it okay for me to have it? it is a strong tea, with a different chemical than caffeine, but still pretty similar. so far it is okay, though, so i will just go with it. .......well, i just looked it up, and it does have caffeine. what the?? people say it doesn't all the time. hmmmmm. i think i am having placebo effect thing going on cause it has been fine for me to drink for a week now. i am such a head case!! will someone please convince me now that beer does not contain alcohol so i can start drinking it again!! no beer on hot summer evenings is kind-of sad. well, when the other adult in your daily life is having one it is especially sad not to share.

i have been forgetting what day of the week it is a lot this summer. for brief moments anyways. is that just a summer thing? it's a little funny feeling. kind -of cool. i mean, i crave getting lost so often that when it does happen for a brief moment, it's funny that i question if it's okay. i crave getting lost. like eat funny mushrooms kind-of lost. in a way, maybe i mean i crave feeling found. but then i need to know that i can snap back into super sharp clarity of mind and quick reflex state at any needed moment also. trusting is hard. do i sound like i need a vacation? whatever. i have a brief bit today while the kids are at their school. got lost on the internet for a while. getting lost now in my random thoughts. maybe i'll go home and get lost in some chores. that actually sounds nice. david is getting so into the lost series. he watches it while he works out on the elliptical. i don't watch it cuz i only watch dvds at night usually, and that is too intense for right before bed. except then i go and pick up a novel that does the same thing. lost. get lost today. lost. found. get found. alrighty. gonna go home for a few hours all alone with just the critters, and get lost and found. funny i've been to the lost and found twice now at the rec center looking for our combo lock that we lost there. it is not there. i bought a new lock. it is red. with a key now.

solstice caught a rat recently. i have been telling her she cannot catch birds. she listened and went out and caught a rat. she looked at me straight in the eyes with it in her mouth, saying look, i found something that is not a bird. she's such a lovely cat. seriously. i say. that rat doesn't think so though. unless he was bumming being a rat and is psyched to have his life ended. after my dad died we used to talk about what he might be next. i always felt dragonfly. zhi said she thought solstice caught templeton. that made me sort-of sad. templeton makes us laugh every time he talks. but then, when we watch the earth series videos, or the new life ones, whenever there is a predator chasing his prey, zhi is usually relieved when the predator catches his meal. she's like, 'oh good. now he can eat.' she is such a leo. and i eat animals occasionally, too. aaaaaaaaah. i need to get lost. going to get lost now. on my mate buzz. lost in fabric i predict. fabric and flowers. and little bee? oh man did i just slip from having a proper cup. i stopped holding the vision and power of the great eastern sun for a minute there. okay. just for a minute. gonna pull it back in. must end on a proper note. listening to people laughing and whistling now in this cafe. i laugh inside with them involuntarily. laughter is seriously contagious and hearth opening. woah!! my whole chest just started buzzing after taking in their laughter. or is it the mate? it was like a conversation they were having. one would laugh and then the other in response. and then they went back and forth for a while. no words. just laughing. like cartoon characters. and some other guy was just whistling right along to whatever he was reading or writing. this place is tripping me out!!!! and i'm over here having a proper cup of tea. yep. there we go.