late night monday dancing

sticking with things is often a good idea. this dancing pact is still serving me well. i am pretty sure i would not have asked david to dance with me tonight after the kids were asleep (just because we hardly ever dance to public radio after they are asleep, if we ever have?? but it is a very cool thing to do, i can tell you now!), if i were not such a freaking good girl, and so true to my word..... he just asked me if we can do that every monday. i said yeah, if i like you every monday. do i have to keep saying how i force myself to dance practically every time i post on monday, (or tuesday)....yep. cause it's still true. sticking with my pact is the only reason i'm doing this. and i am grateful. and i want to remember how i got to be such a regular dancer when i'm 80. i made myself. that's how. singing is coming next!! but not broadcast~ hell no!! not unless someone comes over and harmonizes with me. someday. ahhh. that would be so fun. love the classical music on public radio tonight. muy perfecto. love. good night monday. horsey tuesday is up next! and maybe sewing wednesday? knitting thursday? painting friday? gardening saturday? cooking sunday? ha! i could never keep up with all of that. i barely keep up with monday. but i do! (so far...)

oh!! but wait. i am a freaking bad girl too. i must prove this. i don't want to be known only as a good girl. don't ever label me like that please. i just cringed and started panicking, running around looking for peaceful ways to break the law, at the first thought of it!

show and tell.....

olive's drawings are blowing my mind and opening my heart every day now.

my mom recently made us a lego mat/bag. you just spread it out on the floor for playtime, and then when everyone's done, you pull up on the strings, and it's like a big draw string bag. so easy. she had made me one when i was little, and my step brothers made off with it when i moved from my dad's house to my mom's house. so i asked her recently to make us another one.

look who knows how to sew now....she is really proud. can't you see it in her face. so precious.

this is just lovely to me....

and this. of course they'll help themselves if you put it right there.

this gnome book has become so popular in this house lately. we study it.

i have a serious thrifting habit. like i need a storage shed to house some of my treasures that aren't ready to use yet (like tubs worth of fabric i've collected over the years, that i just can't pass up at thrift store prices, and that i know i'll use someday when i start my sewing business to save money for the kids' college, right?!?!) ....can you say squirrely? good thing i joined that club!! and good thing i learned to thrift in college like i did! i could never satisfy the way i like to shop, with my budget, at any other type of store. and i could never find such cool treasures. i got all of these quilts lately at the real thrifts. not antiquey stores. so they were very affordable, and often it was half price day! i got so lucky with these.

these two quilt tops are in perfect condition, and whoever sewed them up had a good eye for placement i think. i love how the colors play together. it feels so balanced to me.

i want us to make some bird houses soon.

what is she up to, now?

this quilt above is so sweet with it's simple color pallet, and design. the one below is amazing, with all the animals and such hand sewn on. the fabrics used are all so special.

this one is all hand sewn too! i'm a big fan of white and cream quilts.

look at those sweet little kitties.

thank goodness for thrift stores.

la ardilla

joining!

65, 61, 59, 48, 45, 35, 32, 28, 23, 21!, 19, 16, 3, 2, 1.

those are my favorite facts.

wah wah wah. and okay.

this. this flower in this beer can represents me chilling out, and seeing mess as a gift. i keep thinking of this quote a friend put on facebook recently...

"Clutter and mess show us that life is being lived...Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation... Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist's true friend. What people somehow forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here."— Anne Lamott

i was in our studio, organizing, and tending to some plants. our geranium needed grooming, and this blossom came off. i needed something to put it in. the beer can that just 5 minutes earlier had caused me to swear at david's inability to clean up after himself, all of a sudden became just what i needed. i don't know what to make of that, but i'm curious. i mean, i'm not into picking up after david, but i'm into little things like that appearing when i need~want that. i'm into being flexible. that's what it is. stretch. that's my newest desire for a tattoo. the word stretch. we have to stretch max's hamstring and heel cord every day. every day for his life he needs to stretch. until he is a man, it's pretty much my job to see that he does it. and can u imagine how creative we have to be to get him to enjoy stretching at his age? or as a teenager? i'm looking into a parent~child yoga class. stretch. stretch, but don't be the little red hen either. how creative can i be? that's another tattoo. how creative can i be?

he is the master of creativity. i just need to ask him. or watch him. he really is a born leader.


that garlic is looking good. so glad i planted myself a patch last fall.

listen. this is one of my favorites from her new album. it is brilliant. after the 4th time, i just about wrecked my car when i realized how beautiful ALL her new songs are. that song is making me cry today. oh wow.

this is one of my other favorites. you have to listen to it all to really get it.

this is my sister's favorite one from the new album.

now i venture into my pain::

i feel like crying. or beating something to a pulp. what could i beat?? the ground? with my shovel. stab it. get myself to stay in my body while i feel this pissed. and yet i need to write too. aaaaaaaaaaa. a sister fight has me swirling. uh-oh. can't sit still any longer. will come back to this later......definitely need to go stab the ground over and over. thank god for the ground.

next day::

i just can't go there anymore. i love. and i struggle. and i am spread thinner than i'd like. that is the whole world. and yet i know there are others spread way thinner than me, and yet i cannot give more than i do. what the f?? i can't understand. i just barely keep myself upright, head above the water, and i'm trying my damndest to teach my kids to swim, too. or at least float. maybe i need to float, instead of doggy paddling. why have i not just been floating? choppy water makes it hard, i guess. i signed them up for lessons at the rec center yesterday, even. but i am not a super strong swimmer. i can really only fend for myself in the deep water. i really hope my kids learn to swim this summer. we dropped the ball on that. ooops. we were a little bit focused on other things. like seeing to it that our oldest could walk. and that we don't kill each other. stuff like that. but, there i am making excuses. life is tough. not for the faint of heart. none of us here would dispute that, i know. and if u looked at my life from the outside, at my garden, or my dress, or my kids' cute happy faces (when they aren't crying), you'd probably think we have it real easy. and we do, i know, when you compare us to most of the world. but i'm telling u we barely make it. every day feels like a miracle sometimes. we have phases of hard, and less hard, but i would not say i've ever had an easy phase. have you? can u tell me the secret? which warp hole did i miss? was it on level three? by the cherry tree? i felt like there was something there but i just couldn't find it. show me! just being happy for me is a full time job. a full time job that results in happy moments here and there. sustaining happiness is not something i've learned yet. but i am getting better as i get older. thank you ani! i am not fucking up there. but i would still not say this is easy. not even at all. not even the slightest bit. it is the hardest work i've ever known to be alive and true to myself. the hardest, most fulfilling work i've ever done. it is what it is. thanks mom and dad for the opportunity. thanks to all my grandparents before them, all the way back to the chimpanzee ancestors in my line. all the way back to the stars that gave their lives so that our solar system could be born. when the sun comes out i can say this. when it's hiding, and i can't even remember what it feels like, i can't say stuff like that, unless i'm looking at one of my kids sleeping. but then the moon is shining so bright.

olive told me this morning that she wants a rainbow to come out. yeah, i do too!! a summer of rainbows we are wanting.

i just thrifted those linens. i like those colors together. new tablecloth with the green. and more. new sets of placemats. cuz i'm gonna start enjoying setting our table more. and placemats have to be changed every two days or so in this house, even with flipping them over. i'm gonna do that more, maybe. i hope.

ok. last but not least.... a gnome found me all the way from spain yesterday!! he found his way right into my email box. phew. needed that.

letting go more....time

animals are the BEST

this tree fell outside our house. it is kind-of cool to me the timing of it. how it was just his birthday. ever since my dad died, over 5 years ago, i saw this tree as him. sort-of. this one dead tree. is that strange? i would see him everywhere after he died, and some things stuck. like this tree for some reason. we had the strongest wind yesterday. it was time for this tree to fall. olive and i came home from taking the rascals to school and there it was. david had move it to the side of the road with some other humans. i felt like this was the spot for our dance post this week. i turned on the music, round mountain, super loud so we could hear it down on the road. they have this song about a tree falling down in the wind, that i had never really heard the words to before. just as we were walking down from the house, it was playing. life can be so magical some times. so we danced with my dad, the dead tree, and then threw some seeds down where the roots pulled out of the earth.

my dress still feels so good. maybe even better now that i'm settling in to it.

i'm thinking we may pull the tree into the yard and use it as a balance beam....you wanna hang around dad? i know you're so far gone, but i also know you're so right here still. all at the same time. crazy. yin yang.

i had the best parenting group meeting this week. it was my first time back since december. life got intense and i couldn't go for 4 months..... this group is where i really started getting how yin~yang life, and parenting, is. the lady who leads our group has this site, and she is an awesome teacher.

okay. well, i'm feeling like i've just over posted photos of myself here the last few posts.... need to start photographing the gnomes now!!

olive and i had such fun dancing in the road. i recommend it. block party!!! with the trees, dead and alive.

i was also listening to alan watts yesterday, thanks to our local radio station, and he said this, and i can't stop thinking about it. this isn't exactly how he said it, but it's the gist of it.

U become alive to the degree that u accept death.

this is our time to live. live. live. live.

if i had super powers....

i would transport me and my camera, some friends, and a juke box to this spot and do my dance monday here. it would definitely be a grateful dead day. or maybe i would just lay down on that chair and watch my friends dance today? i ate so much at dinner. max keeps asking me why my belly is so big. i swear. i can tell he thinks a baby is in there. nope. not even close. still bleeding from last month's moon. i just ate so much. yikes. it was good, and i was checked out i guess. ooops. i pledge to dance tomorrow when the belly is not so busy digesting. love. those. flowers.

oh, but wait. we would smush al the flowers. that won't do. i guess it's a reclining kind of spot only.......

letting go hardness but goodness

well. i kind-of like it. i am really surprised, but i do. i used the dkny vogue pattern 1027. i am all about the wrap dress. i actually wore a wrap dress to my wedding! i made it too, but with a lot of help from my old sewing teacher. i made that pattern three times, actually. now that i know i like this pattern, i may just make it three times. hmmmmm.

this pattern is meant to be used with stretch knit fabric. 2 way stretch. i went so far out on a limb and used some cotton broadcloth. like dress shirt material. i was pretty scared once i had it all cut out that i wouldn't be able to get it over my head, shoulders, or butt without the stretch, but i just gave it a shot and i tried the top on once i had it together and because of the vneck wrap feature it was fine. the armholes were a little tight feeling at first, but the fabric is slightly malleable and it feels good to me in a weird way to have the tight fitting top section. it's like it's one with my body. whew. i think i got really lucky with that fabric switch working. i don't look like betty draper either, do i? i look more like a ballerina. or something. what?? i can't put my finger on it.

choosing black was scary for me, but it was the only color i could relate to when i was cutting the pattern out and then laying it on fabric. it was before max's surgery that i cut it out and life felt mostly dark for me. it felt scary and dark. and color just felt fake for me to imagine putting all over my body. i told myself that funerals don't own the color black, and went ahead with my decision. very brave bold move. when you feel a color, you can't argue it or question it or change your feeling. you know. i also had just found this whole BOLT of fabric at the thrift for ten bucks, and it was sitting there in my house being really appealing. i didn't begin sewing until two weeks ago. about 6 weeks after max's surgery. that's when i could feel the time was right to begin. now that i have almost two months between then and now, i still feel the black, and it makes so much sense to me. it doesn't feel depressing. it feels passionate, and light actually. a little lascivious (heh). and playful with the huge full skirt. i think you're supposed to tie it in the front, but i like it tied in the back better. the hardest part in making this dress was the sleeve facing. that sucked. but i got through it. because the fabric isn't very stretchy, it was just crazy~making trying to fit that little trim around the edge of the armhole. i also sewed almost all the seams at a quarter inch instead of 5/8 to give me every bit of extra room i could since i was absent the stretch factor. that was a good move.

(like david's shadow on me? i know that shadow well, oh yes i do.)

it was chilly out, and i was wearing long johns. i'm down with that. i would do it again.

(close up deleted.  too many people searching for armpit hair coming to this blog to see a picture of my armpit.)  

here is a close up to show where i had a little accident when first trying the top on. before the sleeve facing was sewn on, i tried the top on, and because the edges were raw, and the fit so tight, and the fabric not a knit, i ripped it at the armpit. uuugh. i was so sad when that happened. i came back though, the next day and remembered to go slow and not rush myself with this. what's the point? it's all a meditation anyways, whatever it is we're doing. so i zenned out, and sewed up the tiniest little tailored~feeling patch for the tear. i love how it turned out. i am now glad that i ripped it, cause i like this funny detail so much. the other side under the armpit got some pretty flowery trim, and that was to cover up another mistake. i did some ugly stitching under there. when i had the trim sewn on one side, i realized i liked it just like that. no need to balance it out for me. uniformity is uncool. right? i like it like this, that's all i can say about my decision there. another happy random occurrence is that when i first began to sew, the first thing i did was make the pleats in the top, that you can't see, cuz they're under the wrap tie. but they were to be basted, so i went ahead and just used the thread i had in the machine already, knowing it would just get ripped out eventually, so color didn't matter yet. when i saw how the dark grey top-thread looked with the bright red bobbin-thread, i was so excited. and scared, because i knew that i'd have to be so steady with my stitching with thread color that stands out so much. but i went for it, and i love that tiny detail too. i feel funny writing so much about the process of making this dress. hmmmmmmm. get over it, girl, and keep enjoying yourself!! okay. so there are a few spots where the stitching is wonky and my old sewing teacher would have had me rip, mostly up on top of the shoulders, but whatever. i don't really care. not nearly enough to rip it out. i get to work with my freaky obsession with perfectionism and rock out the wonky stitches up there.

i wore the dress immediately after hemming it on thursday. it is so not a style i've ever worn before, with the super full skirt, that i didn't feel like myself at all at first. but i wanted to see if i could begin to settle into it if i just wore it for a while. so i totally wore it go pick the kids up at school, showed it off to a few friends, had a lot of fun with all their reactions, and then when we got home, i put on my apron, and got to work. i gave it a thorough testing. composted, cooked, cleaned, danced, jumped on the trampoline, gave olive a bath, read books for bedtime with everyone snuggled on top of me (i had to untie the tie for that to give the diaphragm some space.) it passed every test. no ripping, no problems. sometimes i feel like i need to wear a padded bra to fill out the top when i am curled up and the top fabric begins to poof out, like when reading books to the kids, but whatever. i don't like bras, so i doubt i'll do that. besides, olive wouldn't be able to reach in and feel me up if i bra'd myself. well, this brings me to something i've been wanting to say a bit on.......

olive has weaned. my baby baby baby has weaned! i have been afraid to feel into this for a while now, and have just kind-of let it happen without sitting down and really thinking about it. i don't have a clue if that's smart or not, but it's all i could do. just do it. just be in my body and go with it. it happened really naturally. sort of. the last time she nursed was on the night before max's surgery. i remember it so well. we were in the hallway of the hotel, sitting on the floor, with grandma beside us on a chair. olive ran over to me from getting off the elevator, climbed in my lap, and did what she's been doing since the day she was born. i had no thought that this would be the last time. but it was. and i love that i remember it so well. the timing was interesting, right? max was about to need me like he hadn't since he was born, and what a sacrifice olive made for him. but it wasn't really a sacrifice like that, cause i feel like she was ready. it was just really cool timing. that's how i feel. she now loves to say how she's a big girl and she doesn't have boobs anymore. i did NOT plant that. she came up with it and says it with a lot of pride. so i go with it. but we also talk about how much she loved the boobs, and still loves them. she loves to feel all over them still, and that makes so much sense to me. although neither of my other ones ever did that after weaning. i probably wouldn't have let them, actually. maybe they tried. but i was pregnant when each of them weaned and i was DONE and needed my body to be all done with anything except growing the next baby. so. yeah. olive likes to reach in and take advantage of that airyness that happens with this dress when i lay down or curl up in it. i guess if i wore it to a party or something i'd wear a camisole with it.

so.... for the first time in 8 and a half years i am not pregnant or nursing. that is weird weird weird. and also feels fine fine fine. my body just did some crazy cool stuff. it grew three little people in it. and then made hundreds of gallons of milk to feed them. or it felt like that much anyways. i wonder how much milk i made?? have you ever wondered that? i want to go lay on the earth with my breasts up against her and just lay there and cry and mourn that it's all done, and feel so much gratitude at exactly the same time that i was able to do that with my children, my sweet little baby sucklings. they were such good suckers. even max, after two weeks of struggling to keep his body adjoined with life, latched on and just went for it like the boob was his old familiar friend. oh, i'll cherish all my nursing memories forever and ever. yes. i. will. and i know i will miss them like crazy someday, but such is life.

such is life. today, as i write this, it is may first. my dad's birthday. it has been a full full day full of tears and laughter and bliss and pain. full of friends and family and animals and food and comic books and magic. we have talked about pawpaw bob many times. he is in the air, i said earlier to max. he looked at me, and said, 'he's in the air???' i said yeah he is. and max just took that in, looked at the air around us, and felt what it meant.

so, i'm calling this my let it go dress. there was so much to let go. there always is. letting go of of my son's scarless back is such a big letting go for me. letting go of his spasticity. letting go of my illusion that i have control of over his life, his path, his karma. letting go of yesterday. letting go. letting go of my nursing days. letting go. letting go of the peach blossoms that won't make it to fruit. and once i let go, so much else comes. more blossoms come. but i have to let go first. the letting go dress.

was that such an epic post? too much for a silly little dress? nope. that is what i did. and that is how i did it. and that is how i felt about it. and that is some good black goodness. letting go goodness.