look who can kick with his left leg now that he can stand on his right foot!!! it is amazing. we had a blast kicking in the hall tonight. max is finding out how deeply the cheerleader archetype is engrained in my bones. he asks me to tone it down sometimes! i do of course. but it's hard.
oh yeah!! i can't wait to post this on his blog!! but my personal one came first tonight.
on a walk after school, max olive and i saw this jay. he posed so nicely.
i danced in the car today, and barely that!! but thankfully, the tape in david's car (cd player is broken), which i'd never heard, went from some slow piano jazzy stuff that was putting me to sleep, and definitely put both girls to sleep in the backseat, right into the grateful dead. i couldn't help but smile and then dancing was easy. that was an awesome moment today. and the sun totally came out right at that moment. sometimes all one needs is some sunshine and some grateful dead. nice mix d!!
i made that pillow last week. it's from an old cardigan that did not look good on me. it is all cashmere. i think my mom thrifted it. she gave it to me a while ago. it sat on the floor by my sewing desk for SO long. it kind-of bothered me sitting there. but i KNEW it had another life, and i was just being patient until it revealed itself to me. i love how it looks now. almost like a cat. and i gave it to a friend yesterday for a housewarming gift! so daring of me, i thought. it is so soft though, you kind of have to be twisted to not love it, just cuz of that. so yay!! i made something! this is not what i was working on however last week with my two hours. that is not finished yet. but i am liking it so far. a little nervous about the fit. we'll just see. and if it's too small for me, i think i know of someone who is a wee bit smaller then me i can send it to....if it turns out cute. and i am almost done with my sister's birthday present, which is well over a month late. i have some very good excuses though.
those are my imperfection pieces for the virtual alter. that's as far as the alter has come so far. photography ain't nothing though! i view, or judge, david leaving his clothes on the couch as imperfect, for sure. when i am uptight, that is. when i am chill, it is a 'whatever', with no resentment at all. a clean 'whatever'. and then i look around and see my hiking shoes left out. and my this. and my that. i see clearly when i am chill, not just ' his mess'. i see we just live. we live when we are not uptight. we clean when we WANT to when we are not uptight. cleaning when i want to feels so different, from cleaning when i am being a negative freak. and the moth holes. i hate them. and then when i am chill, i love them for their character. the life lived they represent. the nonchalant 'oops~ i~wasn't~perfect~enough~with~my~woolens' factor. max's rolfer was wearing a wool sweater last week with lots of moth holes that his wife did something like what i did here with the thread all around it. that's where i got the idea. i came home and did that that day.
i listened to marshall again today on my hike. (marshall rosenberg) i am so in love with him. did i mention that he sounds just like a gnome? he does not look at all like i've been picturing him as i hear his voice.
this feels funny to me, how much i process my inner psychological state here on my blog, now that a few other people read it. way back when, like 3 years ago or so, when i started my blogging stint, i was very shy about it and only let david read it. then i ventured out and let my sister in on it. then i slo~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~wly let one friend at a time in. then i outed myself in blogland, and slowly started playing along with so many other fun bloggers. we are all so unique, of course. it's just funny to me right now for some reason, how exposed i feel. i mean, what's interesting for me to write about often, is my inner struggle. that's what i work on day in and day out. that's often why i write... i am searching for the light when i write. i say, okay, hate. you are here this week. hello. i must go into you to see where the light is, cause it's obviously not anywhere on your outsides. hate looks so ugly from the outside. and what's interesting is that it eats me up from within if i don't stop letting it run the show, and get down and dissect it. it is very powerful, the inside of hate. i love power. i want to get in there and see what's going on that has so much fire, burning me and eating me alive. and i guess i don't always struggle, and at those times i love to write about the clear love, or whatever i am having a joyous time with. but dammit, when i am working my ass off, i must process it. i journal. and somehow, i began journalling in a public forum. that is kinda weird. right? but i've read many books and articles that felt like someone's journal exposed, and they have saved my ass. hearing other's stories. that's the only reason i don't feel like it's wrong to expose my personal work like this. because those other people that do it, like miss lamott, and miss fusselman, and i feel like ani does this too, she just puts it all to her music. and i'm like, okay, i loved that they just bared themselves. they get naked. they are brave enough. so it must be okay for others. and i'm not trying to help others necessarily with my words. not at all, really. i mean, if they help someone else occasionally, awesome. so awesome. but i totally only write to help myself. and then i put it out there for fun. there's something fun about sharing. show and tell. i've always felt that's what blogging is. big girl show and tell. and i loved it from the moment i discovered it. and i loved show and tell as a little girl. how each child got up in front of the class on friday to share whatever they wanted. exposing myself is actually really freeing. i just struggle thinking it so self~indulgent. you know? but fuck it! it's fun. and it's not hurting anyone. right?
we saw ani last thursday!!!!! i heard her sing this song for the first time. i loved it. it's not that new i guess, but new to me. she looks so good. she sounds so good. she gets better. i swear. i needed that bit of bliss being at her show. with a couple we've never been out with, but that was the perfect couple to go see ani with!! perfect!! that's for my perfect side of the virtual altar. we scored the best seats in the house, i thought. (general admission). our timing was on!! luck. and she's coming back in august to our folks festival. woohoo! oh yeah. oh yeah! lucky luck luck.
there's my bit of gnome honor for this post.... hiding behind the fairy on the hammock, is a painting i did a looong time ago, of a fairy actually, not a gnome. but a little person nonetheless. he's the saint john's wort fairy. i did his portrait from a drawing in a fairy book. keeping the wee folk in my mind....... letting them ruminate in there. feeling like believing again. not that i ever stopped. i just forgot. and that is sad. i hope they're all out there tonight working magic on the peach blossoms while it snows and feels frigid. i want to get an outdoor heater for the peach tree for blossom time.
my sister is feeling sad today. i love you claire.
i want to do some gnome artwork. maybe tomorrow with the girls.....no school for zhizhi. she's getting over the tummy thing now.
oh wait...here's some more gnomeyness. we saw these brothers play music last night and they blew our hearts so wide open. musical mountain gnomes they are. david is already plotting how we are going to see them two more times this year! i highly recommend downloading their music. we got their second and third cd's at the show, thanks to a friend who loaned us some money... our wallets were empty, but really wanted the cd's. the kids sat up front on the floor with some of their friends and just took it in. i love keeping them up late for live music.
that was a lot to write. i am all over the place. did that give u a headache? did anyone actually read all of this? sorry if so. mercury is retrograde. i'm lucky to even be typing!
oh one more thing i want to record for my records! we had the most intense lightning storm last week. i felt the lightening go through my body twice. it was hitting our house repeatedly i thought. what was that about?? a little recharge?
can't stop throwing up. it's been 24 hours now. we should be at our turning point, come on!! i'm much better. she's getting there, but two days in a row of barfing is a lot to ask of anyone. except all us mamas out there who get to be asked to do it for upwards of a 120 days or more! that was me anyways.
maybe if i surround her with the pink tree love??
uuuuugh. we sat at home yesterday and watched flicka. have you seen that movie? i loved it. i saw it at the library and checked it out. if you like sappy horse movies, you'll like it. it's not really that sappy. it reminds me of this blog a bit. look at some of her horse posts. or her cow posts. my sister turned me onto her.
this is interesting. can you imagine how horrified you would be if you fell into one of picasso's paintings at a museum and RIPPED it? ooooooooooooooooooooooooops. my sister and i talked one time of getting the word oops tattooed on us. but i think brittany ruined the word.
next day::
olive is all better. actually better than before in that she has more energy than i've ever seen her with this morning. yay! maybe we'll have a week without anyone getting sick. that would be crazy.
i want to write. i want to write. what about? ummmmm. self~love is always fun to explore. i really do love myself. i really do. sometimes, though, it feels like i don't actually love myself very much. last night, as i was putting max in bed for the 7th time, feeling so patient and loving with him, i went back into the movie den and said to david, i am the best mom. in a very conceited way. and then i knew i had to add on, sometimes. sometimes is the truth. it's just the god damn truth. sometimes i am good, actually awesome, and sometimes i suck like you would NEVER believe. what is that? humanness. yin~yanging. why am i writing about it? i'm still fucking trying to come to terms with my fucking humanness! how insane am i? i've been human 100 times before i bet, you'd think i would have this issue down pat. we are not perfect. we cannot be perfect. perfect is the nastiest word i know. and yet i use it sometimes. like when a friend says, how about meeting at 2 pm. i'll say, perfect. i hate that word. now here i go, shadowing it. hating it. telling it it shouldn't exist. i know that that won't work. it will definitely only come back to haunt me. so, what shall i do with my quest to find perfection? what i want to do is say fuck it!! i totally want to shadow the beassssst. what a hard impulse to resist. the beast. the beast. the beast. the beast has all the answers. what do you want me to do oh beast of perfection? listening.............oh, i heard something. ART. art is the answer... see!!! and it might get ripped to hell, but if you or someone else cares enough, it just might get patched up too. art as a mindframe. art as a frame of mind. nonviolent communication art. i'm thinking of the gnomes. they aren't perfect, and they are so okay with it. they laugh at their follies.
fol·ly(fl)
n.pl.fol·lies
1. A lack of good sense, understanding, or foresight.
2.
a. An act or instance of foolishness: regretted the follies of his youth.
b. A costly undertaking having an absurd or ruinous outcome.
3. follies(used with a sing. or pl. verb) An elaborate theatrical revue consisting of music, dance, and skits.
4. Obsolete
a. Perilously or criminally foolish action.
b. Evil; wickedness.
c. Lewdness; lasciviousness.
an absurd outcome. i know the gnomes often laugh at these. but i keep thinking of antionette's comment the other day, where she said she had read in one of her gnome books, that they can be very grumpy too. right. well, this is all just nonsense. i have now arrives at the absurd outcome of my writing today. my folly. my relationship with perfection remains a mystery. an absurd wicked mystery. i am going to make a shrine to perfection and imperfection. yep. i really feel like going further with this question. i don't want to just let it go and keep being tormented by the god damn perfection beast. i'm gonna make it a shrine. with gnomes.
i just learned this new word that is up there in the folly definition....
las·civ·i·ous(l-sv-s)
adj.
1. Given to or expressing lust; lecherous.
2. Exciting sexual desires; salacious.
interesting word. did you already know that word? or lecherous, or salacious? i didn't. i have some learning to do on my sexy synonyms. those will surely come in handy. ha! i did terrible on the part of my sat test that wasn't about math. i am determined to teach my kids more vocabulary than i learned by the age of 17. but you know i aced the math part. brag. i must brag. gnomes brag. i am sure of that. i feel like i might be annoying with my gnome talk. oh well. come back in a month when i'm all done and have it out of my system.
making love to the camera. she's my other lover.
you know it's funny the landscape here. you can't just take off running in a field in the mountains. it's like a hidden needle patch at every other step.
you really have to stick to the trails if you feel like spacing out while you walk. my dad used to always make us go off trail. bless him. we would get so lost. and he was all about it. in arkansas you can do that easier with kids. my dad was a crazy gnome. a very crazy gnome. i missy miss miss that man.
guess, what. i'm going to go sew for 2 hours straight. that's the plan. let's see what happens. i hope to be back with the beginnings of my shrine, and with something sewn up!!!
they went hiking, and had the best fun... see here..
drank margaritas, which make them laugh they are so sour
look in windows and take photos of themselves on date night
they look all tough at cameras sometimes
they look in windows a lot
they look at flowers a lot
listen to audio books in the car and insist on staying in until the story is done. it was a 3 hour story though, so eventually they brought the tape inside.
climb in bushes
adore the insects
apply for a new passport
push library books back to the library, and get lots more.
go to the diner, of course
love their aunt and cousin a lot
use the potty
swing
visit daddy at work
adore spring some more
they are just like you and me. they even blog! we are the gnomes. we are the gnomes. we are the gnomes.
by the way, this gnome has a tummy thing, and isn't gonna be shakin her big butt today.
l
)
-s
v
