red...blue, and now more red

i wore blue today, and i got a little sad, thinking that my red streak was ending. but now i am happy. i feel the red coming back.....keeping myself balanced is not easy or natural for me so far in this life. i would live by the fire if i could. but no. a little water must be had, too. and then back to the fire.

red blanket chronicles and cat behavior.......

i have been wanting to do a series of photos with this red blanket. i see it so often in pretty light and feel inspired by it. the color is so ferocious. like my red shirt that i can't stop wearing too. red is so good right now. so here i am beginning the series. or adding onto it actually. i already posted this one.

the little baby cat, pie, she helped herself to some kippers i was eating the other day, while i had left the table for a minute. they were then devoted to her and her alone. am i a wimp that i don't want to eat after her? i see her licking her butt and i just don't want to.

red. red. red. red. red. i am delightfully sore from yoga yesterday. i still feel like it's giving yourself a massage from the inside out.

our cats are friends now. it took solstice about two weeks to stop hissing at pie. now they are pretty warm and fuzzy with each other. literally!! it is so funny to me that process cats have to go through. and what's really funny, is that i have seen myself do this same thing with the new 'cats' in my life. metaphorically hiss at them for a while, only to completely soften later and fall in love. i have done this with some of the people that are closest to me now. what is that about? do i really have to do this? it's like i am alpha cat, who is not confident and sure of my alphaness. and so i act like a scaredy cat, defending myself from their love. i meet them and show my fangs instead of my heart. i do not trust new cats easily. i make them prove themselves to me. i make them stand in the intensity of my firey gaze before i will trust them. oh my poor husband. and my sweet sweet friends, who hang in there with me, and keep pouring the love on me until i begin to soften and show my own loving heart. weird human-cat behavior i exhibit sometimes. freaky, weird, and strange i am. and freaky, weird, and strange i love. cause actually, in their own way, my husband, my kids, my sister, some of my friends, they all do the same thing. we are a tribe. a tribe of strong strong scary scaredy cats. animal behavior is so so interesting. and being a human, and animal who is conscious of herself/himself (self-conscious) is just the weirdest trippiest thing.

we took advantage

on our last warm 70 degree day, we washed the sheets. we baked a squash. we planted a funny pear tree that grows pears that will grow only to the size of a quarter, and be liked only by the birds and squirrels. we boiled some osha root that i picked up at the farmer's market, and drank the tea. that smell is so awesome. we were so into our day.

and now, since a big snow and freeze came here, i have been wearing this red wool shirt for many days in a row. i washed it before wearing it for the first time this year, and even on a cold water wash, turned a whole load pink. ooops. but i'm just going with the idea that we needed a little more pink in the world. that off-white table cloth. his underwear. and socks. their socks. pajamas. dish towels. pink is love. i'm trying really hard to like the pink table cloth more than i liked it before.

i have my guitar lesson tonight, and i think i'm gonna try to learn this corny country song....after i work on this one a little more. it's so funny to hear my kids doin their thing around the house, singing new slang. max has changed the lyrics in the first line to: gold teeth and a curse for this town, only i don't know how you got cavities. ha! it's really funny to hear. and david is a little tired of hearing it, and of having it stuck in his head for days now, but he's so cool about it....and even plays it with me. and sings it so much better than i do. but at least i try! i want to see that movie again. going to put it at the top of netflix now! don't change it, david.

pressure on the woman!

i'm tired. and i have to make dinner now. how am i going to pull this off gracefully?

yes, we're making brown rice pasta cuz yer daddy wants us to go easy on the gluten these days.

and yes, i don't wear a bra. hardly ever. they are uncomfortable. hmmmm, maybe a shoulder stretch along with a jaw stretch would feel good.

mmmm. yes. that is helping clear some stagnation.

okay, i'm feeling more into my body, i'm noticing my breath again. feeling more powerful. i can make this dinner. i know i can.

what is up with the pressure in this world? it's nature's pressure. that's all i can come up with. and yet, even under all the pressure of the matter on the surface of the earth, she has her integrity underneath, and is able to maintain large cavernous crystal worlds, massive underground rivers, flowing lava, and i am excited to learn, or just imagine, what else! look here. today, when the pressure feels and seems to be too much, i want to remember these places, that are right under my feet, existing in harmony with the pressure all around them.

and i want to remember something we talked about last night in the women's group. about meeting energy coming at you that feels like an attack, first with dodging, blending, or harmonizing with the attacker and his/her energy, and then with redirecting their motion. it's the basic aikido principal....i think. i wish i had someone to teach me. maybe my little boy will help with that now that he's studying a martial art.

i went shopping yesterday for only these things. they were just what was on the list. when i got home, i found it very funny that i got these particular items. all about cleaning... one of my challenges in life, to find the balance between dirty and clean.

and here i am, trying to do what the box is telling you you're supposed to do with these gloves. but throwing in some martial arts defense posture. don't mess with me and my hot pinks. on the back of the box she has on her panties and high heels and is laying down looking at her beautiful gloves. is that what we're supposed to do after we do the dishes? oh yes. and let me run a bath for the man, add some epsom salts, and get the kids to bed while i enjoy my heels and gloves some more. and then let me pleasure the man after he's nice and relaxed from his hard hard day at work. and then, i will take the gloves off, and feel great about how they protected my hands from a woman's work. uh-huh. ugggg. i think i might barf just from imagining it. what does sex have to do with these gloves? don't anyone answer that.

loving

• this new arrangement in the kids room. i cleared out a huge black trash bag full of stuffed animals and other toys. that made a big difference. they actually started playing in there right away. i have noticed, that all i have to do to bring a space back to life if it has been abandoned is to clean it, clear it, or move it... but i have to remind myself, that order is not everything. chaos has it's most important place in the divine scheme. don't forget this h, on your quest to organize the world.
• even the daddy will play in there now. (D put the blanket over the playstand and there are some monsters, or bears, or a hulk family in there i think....)

• mmmm, beer while cooking is fun

• when they are being read to

• baby eggplant from the farmer's market. i finally got our butts out of the house on a saturday morning, which is not a natural thing to do for us because of the monday through friday scene. but i am so glad we did. i was drawn to these little purple fairytale vegetables not having ever eaten or cooked them before. they are awesomely easy to prepare and cook up. i added black beans to the mess after these veggies were done cooking and the grub was complete.

• fresh local garlic and lots of it.

• the baby shower lynn and i gave christy.
• after 10 years of praying for a baby to come to her, it was a very special and fun girly time.

• that we finally mailed our thank you notes for zhi's birthday presents. 2 and a half months later. and that is so fine.
• that today is going to be in the 70s. tomorrow is going to snow. we must bring in some wood. i'm not really loving that snow part. but the kids are, so maybe i can vibe off of them. follow their lead. probably the smartest thing i could ever do.

inside outside

la la la la la la la. i did not want to get out of bed this morning. something to do with the moon blood flowing that helps me relax so much, and then how i was startled awake by M and Z arguing in the night over the light M had turned on....and just how cozy and tired i felt under the covers this morning. one of the best feelings ever. that warm snuggly relaxed feeling. i'm going to seek it out all over the place over these next three goddamn cold seasons.

and now, a funny thing, that was not funny at all when it happened:

we went on our pretty usual saturday hike before our dinner date this weekend. i have been hiking with the ipod lately, enjoying getting lost in songs or audio books while i huff up the mountain.

this weird thing has been happening the past few hikes, where very randomly, the songs will just change, after they've been playing for about 10 seconds. this causes me to stop, take out the freaking gadget, put it back on the song i wanted to hear, put it back away, turn off the random mode which just turned itself on all by itself, and pray it doesn't happen again. i did that about 25 times on this last hike. and each time i got increasingly frustrated, to the point of cussing out loud at the idiot music machine. i was overheard at one point by someone i didn't know, and had to explain as briefly as i could that i was mad at the ipod, no big deal, i'm not hurt or anything. the guy was nice and said 'no worries', in the nicest way, which was sweet.

when i made it to the top, and david was waiting for me, i let it rip. and i was very close to throwing the stupid iphone over the side of the mountain. very very close. david gently laughed, and asked to see it. he went into the settings, and laughed again, this time really belly-laughing. 'shake to shuffle' is what it's called. when he said those words to me, i laughed too. what the f***? why does that setting exist, first. and why was it turned on, second?

you just have to shake your ipod, and it will shuffle to the next song. makes perfect sense for what i was experiencing. so every time i made a big step, shuffle it! ugggggh. i can't even believe this setting. what a joke someone has played on us ipod users. whoever you are who invented this, i want to meet you and have a good laugh. and get you back somehow.

i love shadows.

and i love the blue of the sky against the back of the flatirons.

horse poop, owls, and cheerleading

this is the horse poop that olive and i collected from some neighbors to amend the garden. why won’t our garden grow? back in the day when i had a plot in the community gardens it was like butter. i planted a seed and it grew, to full term, perfectly and wonderfully. now, that i am at 6800 feet, it’s like i might as well live in the sahara as far as i can tell, gardenwise. the raspberries think they’re growing in sand. as does everything else. (i'm exaggerating a little bit, i know i don't water quite enough, it's just so tricky with water conversation guilt for me...) except the peach tree. she is a happy one. so, i’m trying horse poop. i’ve heard it makes a big difference. i will spread it around, and keep trying. i’m probably going to be eighty when i figure this gardening at altitude thing out. damn shitty mutha ‘uckin crap. that’s how i feel after all the time i’ve put into gardening so far, the past 8 years here, with sad results. so sad. and yet i am still hopeful. but honoring the sadness and frustration too, damn it! an elderly neighbor woman who has been gardening in our neighborhood for decades told me horse poop is the cure. well. here we are. we have the cure. and a really sweet horse friend, who makes a few wheelbarrow loads of it a day, and is happy to share his gold, for free! a cure like that is pretty swell.

Think for a moment what your life would be like if you were able to jettison anything that did not speak to you on a Soul level. What would remain? What then would you "hunt" because it provided for you on all levels? That is what Owl medicine teaches us to do. We find that as we begin to move through the process of what we truly want, clearing the old to make way for the new birth of the Self that is close at hand, we find that other obstacles, limitations, fears and anxieties also begin to "die" in our lives. They no longer have the hooks to remain attached to our energy fields and without our support, they must die.

that is an excerpt from this site....

http://morningstar.netfirms.com/owltotem.html

umm, i love that about as much as anything i’ve ever read. whew. that’s a reason to get an owl tattoo. or to collect owl things, which i seem to do

over the past few years i’ve noticed.

my crazy crazy crazy self. this princess inside me who wants order, and she wants it all the time. if i use the owl wisdom, and jettison all that does not speak to me on a soul level, i would clearly see that being uptight about whatever mess i am freaking about is not speaking to me on a soul level, but on a very surfacey-mind level only. oh owl. please guide me to this wisdom so that i may relax more and more into the messiness of life.

i just love order so much! what am i going to do? i am back to this age old issue of mine, yet again. but that’s what we do with our core issues, isn’t it? revisit them on the circle endlessly, hopefully gaining a little more insight, understanding, and clarity into the unseen, unevolved, darkened aspects of our relationship with the core issue each time. oh, am i looking at this one again now, or what? mess mess mess. is there a mess in my shadow somewhere? am i just an obvious mess to everyone who sees me but myself, and that’s why i run around picking up this and cleaning that all the day long, and still never getting to all the mess? and then look at the first picture. horse poop. POOP. the biggest mess of all. when a child poops in the wrong place, or takes off a diaper with poop in it and proceeds to step in it, track it, sometimes eat it, that’s pretty much the most horrific mess a mother comes up against. and i did yesterday, actually. but look. the mess, the horse poop, is actually what i need to make my garden grow! i need mess. I FUCKING NEED MESS TO LIVE! holy holy crap! literally! IT IS HOLY CRAP! THE MESS IS HOLY! WE WOULD NOT STAY ALIVE WITHOUT IT.

maybe i need a tattoo of poop too.

okay. dinner time. dinner that needed messypoopydirt to grow in.

wait, one more thing.

i am talented, and sometimes have a challenging time. this is what my therapist told me i am to tell myself when i am playing my guitar but not liking what i sound like. my normal self-talk would be more like, ‘you suck, this is a stupid thing to even try. you’ll never get this.’ terrible.... i would never say that to one of my kids, or a friend, or anyone(!), who i saw struggling to learn something that wasn’t coming easily. no way. i am a cheerleader to the bone. just ask my sister what i was like when it was time for her to push Juniper out into this earthly air. i became the cheerleader i was in junior high. and that baby wasn’t coming out easily at all, but that did not stop me even one tiny bit from encouraging her to stick with it, to tell her how amazing and powerful and beautiful she was, and to acknowledge her incredible otherworldy effort. no, i channeled the cheerleader, and out came that baby. when it is crunch time, and i am challenged, i want to talk to myself like i do all my loved ones. i want to be my own cheerleader. give me an H! this is so important. self confidence. self love. self cheering. i need a megaphone tattoo too.

oh man, that makes me want to tell my cheerleader tryouts story.

can you tell i am jacked on jasmine tea??