sunlight on stones...

the light is waning.  we are entering the dark time of year, and i am preparing as naturally as i can.  i got myself some new slippers.   we are savoring the last of the plums.....the stones are just rolling along.  i love how warm they become in the sun.  accidentally today, zhi, max and i all dressed in brown and orange.  ooooooo, weird!  weird means good.  that's what i want to teach our kids.  

little rocks

about this funny feeling i'm having.  as i decipher it, i am narrowing in on a strong need to get creative.  what shall i do i wonder????

-----make the kid's art table a little bit higher?  add some block feet to it?

-----sew???  what though is the question, it'd have to be something quick and satisfying, like maybe some new potholders.  or a couple pillow cases.  or add a ruffle to the bottom of some pants of olive's that really need a ruffled bottom.

-----write a poem onto a piece of pretty wood?

-----meditate on a new mantra...like  'i am loveable!'  that would be a good one for me today.

-----create a little more space in the house, meaning, clear out a load of toys once again????                   yes!!!!!

-----turn on some music super loud, no, medium loud, music that i can sing along to???  

-----turn off the phone ??  yes!!!

-----open all the windows??  yes!!

-----type a love letter to myself on my typewriter, on paper that i watercolored???

-----watch project runway while i take a snack break??

-----stand on my head for 5 minutes before i start whatever creative undertaking i choose???

-----do something to prepare myself for winter a little bit....something small, so i don't miss out on this end of summer day by thinking about winter too much, something like....fnd the match to my favorite pair of fingertipless mittens??  that's perfect.  or order a new pair of my favorite winter boots that are now 5 years worn and i'm talking every-day-in-the-winter worn.

-----burn something!  something symbolic of what i'd like to be letting go of right now in my life.  making a fire in the fireplace could be a good little prep for winter also, i could make the house crazy hot like a sauna and just sweat all day, cause it's going to be in the 80s!!  mmm, i like this one.

-----do a quick vacuum of the living room to clear out the dead ants that have fallen from the roof lately??  clean the toilets??  how can these be creative??  i could tell myself  what the daily groove email said today, to think of things that normally we label as annoying or bad, as if they were something that is totally revered in another country as amazing and lucky??  just tell myself that cleaning the toilets will bring me huge amounts of good luck!!  that could work, i do love to play with my imagination like this.

-----do  a walking meditation???

-----play 3 songs on my guitar, just for fun..??

-----drink green tea all day!

all of this with olive toddling around, the 4 and 6 ers at school.  5 hours to cater to my creative urge's delight.  

-----garden??  swing??  lay in  the hammock and read the sun??  cut some flowers to make a bouquet for the house??

love.  fear.  the 2 basic foundations of every behavior/thought/feeling/action.   pray for the love!!  fearless love to penetrate my core today.  and if fear arises, notice how it creates the exact same sensation in my body that excitement does.  

today is the anniversary of max's conception.   after 3 years of not being able to conceive, D and I went on a healing  ayahuasca journey, and 3 days later conceived our first love child.  max david cohen.  our wizard.  our teacher.  our light.  our love.  thank you for choosing us as your parents.  we are lucky beyond  description to have the honor of caring for and guiding you.  love love love.  creative, open, gratitude.  

I had this dream last night…..

 

there were two women….they both spoke Spanish as their first language and English as their second, but they met in an English speaking place, and only spoke English to each other upon meeting.  They both had children, and spoke Spanish to them at home, but English everywhere else for the most part.   Both women were sexy and earthy and dreamy, like Penelope cruz, kind-of.  It was so exciting to watch them for some reason, and the anticipation for what it would be like when they started speaking their native language together.  It was too much!  in the best way....

hi

i vacuumed, and got the house feeling so clean, and then i had an overwhelming urge to get dirty.  what is going on?  i just went with it, and went outside and worked in the garden with no gloves and flip flops, and got my manicure all messed, and had dirt filled in between my toes, and olive was pouring sand all over head in the sandbox....and i felt much better after that.  clean, make a mess....repeat.  i can't stay clean, but i also can't stay dirty.  what a funny cycle.  i had my teeth cleaned at the dentist's today, that always feels nice.  i will say that i never like the feeling of fuzzy teeth.  i also never like the dirty toilet thing, although it happens way more than i'm happy about.  what else....  a dirty car, totally fine.  dirty money, no way.  dirty words, fun!  dirty mind, of course.  dirty underwear, yuck.  dirty dishes, nope.  dirty fingernails, not for long.  dirty dirty dirty dirty...i am loving this word now.  

so...

my dilemma on cleaning yesterday had me thinking a lot, even though i said i would not think anymore on that....but now i forgot all those interesting thoughts i was having.  i was excited to have some follow through here today, but i guess since i didn't write the ideas down, they are most likely gone forever.  i did not vacuum.   the whole topic of cleaning seems so basic, and i feel a little silly thinking about it so much, like i'm the only one who hasn't gotten this, we clean, we make messes. repeat.  i get it, i just like to look at  things in depth sometimes,  i guess.   

so, what's something that's not totally boring to me to write about?  the office season 4!   project runway season 3.  filling up my cart at the sundance catalog website with all sale things and then not buying it.  although i might get this for real.  lying with the 4 year old last night because she couldn't go to sleep, and snuggling up to her in the most perfect way until she did finally let the sleep fairies take her into the night.  waking up to hear the 6 year old ask his dad first thing, 'where's mommy?'  watching the 1 year old toddle up and down the hallway with the proudest smile, falling on her butt every few yards.   talking to my most adored spiritual mentor on my new headset....we do the phone-therapy thing.  i keep hearing more and more people saying they do their therapy over the phone too.  this brings up something for me.....i am embarrassed that i still do therapy.  i've been in therapy for 13 years now, on and off.  but mostly on.  what the fuck? sometimes i like to look at my meetings with barbara as more of a class than therapy, i really am learning so much.  about people, feelings, patterns, maturity, immaturity.   but still, it's therapy, and i'm paying someone to guide me through my challenges.  why do i judge myself like this?  i don't judge anyone else for going to therapy..only myself.  and i hear the badu lyric in my head...to my girls in therapy, see imma tell you this for free... 

i'll take the free stuff as much as i can get it, but since it's not just flowin in, i pay.  and i adore the woman i pay.  so it's okay, i know it is.  stop judging yourself, h!!  

growing...cleaning....dirtying...repeat.

here we are, growing on the dirt.  literally, we all grow and live on the dirt.  we take things right out of the dirt into our bodies to keep them alive and well.  the words dirt and earth are interchangeable often.  and then there i am...pulling  the vacuum around my house, clearing the dirt from the floors and corners so that i have a clean place to live.   it's sort-of confusing, and sort-of not.  our bodies are self-cleaning, depending on this function to stay healthy.  yet our bodies also depend on the dirt.  i play in the dirt, eat from the dirt, live on the dirt....and then spend the rest of my time clearing the dirt away.  there's no way around this.  it's just the way.  the way of dirt.   it's more deserving of respect than anything, and cursed and loathed by housekeepers more than anything.   coming upon the appropriate balance with earth is not easy for us ocd types.  i always keep in mind our family doctor asking me how clean our house is, because part of her run-through checklist for well-visits, in addition to, 'does your child always sit in a carseat?', is , 'do you keep your house very clean?  because research has shown that children who grow up in a sterile environment do not develop strong immune systems and are more prone to allergies.'  i use this as my reasoning for the state of our house often, but running around my mind is the thought that it's just so dirty, and it feels like a weight on my shoulders knowing that it 'needs' to be cleaned.  i can't seem to integrate these opposing views...i can't find their harmony....  in my mind.  in reality, they are perfectly in harmony, humming along beautifully, actually.   and now i think of japan.  the country of clean, and the country of longevity.  you always take your shoes off before going inside in japan.  and before you go into a bathroom, you put on specific bathroom slippers, that are only worn in the bathroom and removed before you leave, so that bathroom germs are not carried to the rest of the house.  i am thoroughly confused.  the japanese live longer for some other reason, something diet related i'm sure.   the clean factor is just there to throw us who try and figure things out off.  i am done thinking about this.  and i will probably go home and vacuum now.  just because i want to.  not because i feel like i have to.  and i will also brush my teeth.  and then eat.

aaah. renewal.

  new haircut.  thank you david...you did a damn good job.

trimmed nails.

blood flowed.

smashed stagnant energy bump on wrist.

lovely sparkly silver manicure and shiny blue pedicure.

new blue jeans.  (3 levis, for the price of 1 from anthropologie....and they even look                better!)

3rd child is walking.

older children in school.

clearing out the system with the season's first nasty cold.

washed and folded and PUT AWAY 7 loads of laundry, thank you in-laws for making that  easier by playing with the little fucks, i mean ducks.

held my light all morning while david rocked the sorcerer of darkness wand.  and                       afterwards was acknowledged for my brilliance!

older kids are no longer sharing the full sized mattress.  i could cry, but i am happy to               see the brother spread out and take the whole thing up, and love to see the sister in her       cozy new sleeping nest.  

smiling and laughing with husband more and more and more and more.  why did we ever            stop?  ...........stress.

having fun with temporary tattoos, no longer feeling the need for permanence.

we have at least 4 days of 80ish degree weather coming up....and after that, i am                     scheming on how to keep myself occupied relaxed and inspired during the frigid                   seasons.  a class?  guitar?  horseriding?  cooking?  what will keep me out of seasonal               depression?

made my first pot of homemade chicken soup, and it was totally edible!

discovered how to rid the ants from our roof....toxin free in the end, so cool.

picked our first ear of corn from our homegrown corn plants, and olive devoured it raw.

.......i pray more is to come, with creativity, openness, gratitude, fire and swords.

i can't stop thinking about solar power, the yang power source.  and oil, the yin power source.  and how we've been so out of balance in our use of the 2.  the yin gives birth, but does not sustain the offspring life for long after it's born.  the yang then begins to take over providing energy for the offspring to grow.  the yang is the perfect giver.  the yin, the perfect creator.  overtaking from the yin makes her weak.  undertaking from the yang is just a mistake.