I had this dream last night…..

 

there were two women….they both spoke Spanish as their first language and English as their second, but they met in an English speaking place, and only spoke English to each other upon meeting.  They both had children, and spoke Spanish to them at home, but English everywhere else for the most part.   Both women were sexy and earthy and dreamy, like Penelope cruz, kind-of.  It was so exciting to watch them for some reason, and the anticipation for what it would be like when they started speaking their native language together.  It was too much!  in the best way....

hi

i vacuumed, and got the house feeling so clean, and then i had an overwhelming urge to get dirty.  what is going on?  i just went with it, and went outside and worked in the garden with no gloves and flip flops, and got my manicure all messed, and had dirt filled in between my toes, and olive was pouring sand all over head in the sandbox....and i felt much better after that.  clean, make a mess....repeat.  i can't stay clean, but i also can't stay dirty.  what a funny cycle.  i had my teeth cleaned at the dentist's today, that always feels nice.  i will say that i never like the feeling of fuzzy teeth.  i also never like the dirty toilet thing, although it happens way more than i'm happy about.  what else....  a dirty car, totally fine.  dirty money, no way.  dirty words, fun!  dirty mind, of course.  dirty underwear, yuck.  dirty dishes, nope.  dirty fingernails, not for long.  dirty dirty dirty dirty...i am loving this word now.  

so...

my dilemma on cleaning yesterday had me thinking a lot, even though i said i would not think anymore on that....but now i forgot all those interesting thoughts i was having.  i was excited to have some follow through here today, but i guess since i didn't write the ideas down, they are most likely gone forever.  i did not vacuum.   the whole topic of cleaning seems so basic, and i feel a little silly thinking about it so much, like i'm the only one who hasn't gotten this, we clean, we make messes. repeat.  i get it, i just like to look at  things in depth sometimes,  i guess.   

so, what's something that's not totally boring to me to write about?  the office season 4!   project runway season 3.  filling up my cart at the sundance catalog website with all sale things and then not buying it.  although i might get this for real.  lying with the 4 year old last night because she couldn't go to sleep, and snuggling up to her in the most perfect way until she did finally let the sleep fairies take her into the night.  waking up to hear the 6 year old ask his dad first thing, 'where's mommy?'  watching the 1 year old toddle up and down the hallway with the proudest smile, falling on her butt every few yards.   talking to my most adored spiritual mentor on my new headset....we do the phone-therapy thing.  i keep hearing more and more people saying they do their therapy over the phone too.  this brings up something for me.....i am embarrassed that i still do therapy.  i've been in therapy for 13 years now, on and off.  but mostly on.  what the fuck? sometimes i like to look at my meetings with barbara as more of a class than therapy, i really am learning so much.  about people, feelings, patterns, maturity, immaturity.   but still, it's therapy, and i'm paying someone to guide me through my challenges.  why do i judge myself like this?  i don't judge anyone else for going to therapy..only myself.  and i hear the badu lyric in my head...to my girls in therapy, see imma tell you this for free... 

i'll take the free stuff as much as i can get it, but since it's not just flowin in, i pay.  and i adore the woman i pay.  so it's okay, i know it is.  stop judging yourself, h!!  

growing...cleaning....dirtying...repeat.

here we are, growing on the dirt.  literally, we all grow and live on the dirt.  we take things right out of the dirt into our bodies to keep them alive and well.  the words dirt and earth are interchangeable often.  and then there i am...pulling  the vacuum around my house, clearing the dirt from the floors and corners so that i have a clean place to live.   it's sort-of confusing, and sort-of not.  our bodies are self-cleaning, depending on this function to stay healthy.  yet our bodies also depend on the dirt.  i play in the dirt, eat from the dirt, live on the dirt....and then spend the rest of my time clearing the dirt away.  there's no way around this.  it's just the way.  the way of dirt.   it's more deserving of respect than anything, and cursed and loathed by housekeepers more than anything.   coming upon the appropriate balance with earth is not easy for us ocd types.  i always keep in mind our family doctor asking me how clean our house is, because part of her run-through checklist for well-visits, in addition to, 'does your child always sit in a carseat?', is , 'do you keep your house very clean?  because research has shown that children who grow up in a sterile environment do not develop strong immune systems and are more prone to allergies.'  i use this as my reasoning for the state of our house often, but running around my mind is the thought that it's just so dirty, and it feels like a weight on my shoulders knowing that it 'needs' to be cleaned.  i can't seem to integrate these opposing views...i can't find their harmony....  in my mind.  in reality, they are perfectly in harmony, humming along beautifully, actually.   and now i think of japan.  the country of clean, and the country of longevity.  you always take your shoes off before going inside in japan.  and before you go into a bathroom, you put on specific bathroom slippers, that are only worn in the bathroom and removed before you leave, so that bathroom germs are not carried to the rest of the house.  i am thoroughly confused.  the japanese live longer for some other reason, something diet related i'm sure.   the clean factor is just there to throw us who try and figure things out off.  i am done thinking about this.  and i will probably go home and vacuum now.  just because i want to.  not because i feel like i have to.  and i will also brush my teeth.  and then eat.

aaah. renewal.

  new haircut.  thank you david...you did a damn good job.

trimmed nails.

blood flowed.

smashed stagnant energy bump on wrist.

lovely sparkly silver manicure and shiny blue pedicure.

new blue jeans.  (3 levis, for the price of 1 from anthropologie....and they even look                better!)

3rd child is walking.

older children in school.

clearing out the system with the season's first nasty cold.

washed and folded and PUT AWAY 7 loads of laundry, thank you in-laws for making that  easier by playing with the little fucks, i mean ducks.

held my light all morning while david rocked the sorcerer of darkness wand.  and                       afterwards was acknowledged for my brilliance!

older kids are no longer sharing the full sized mattress.  i could cry, but i am happy to               see the brother spread out and take the whole thing up, and love to see the sister in her       cozy new sleeping nest.  

smiling and laughing with husband more and more and more and more.  why did we ever            stop?  ...........stress.

having fun with temporary tattoos, no longer feeling the need for permanence.

we have at least 4 days of 80ish degree weather coming up....and after that, i am                     scheming on how to keep myself occupied relaxed and inspired during the frigid                   seasons.  a class?  guitar?  horseriding?  cooking?  what will keep me out of seasonal               depression?

made my first pot of homemade chicken soup, and it was totally edible!

discovered how to rid the ants from our roof....toxin free in the end, so cool.

picked our first ear of corn from our homegrown corn plants, and olive devoured it raw.

.......i pray more is to come, with creativity, openness, gratitude, fire and swords.

i can't stop thinking about solar power, the yang power source.  and oil, the yin power source.  and how we've been so out of balance in our use of the 2.  the yin gives birth, but does not sustain the offspring life for long after it's born.  the yang then begins to take over providing energy for the offspring to grow.  the yang is the perfect giver.  the yin, the perfect creator.  overtaking from the yin makes her weak.  undertaking from the yang is just a mistake.

       

a birthday shirt

made for zhi's #4! (way back in july... we might as well be in antarctica now as far as i'm concerned with the temperature now in the 40s in the morning)...  this was so satisfying to make, late at night, in 2 consecutive sittings, one to choose fabric and pattern, and cut, and the next for the construction....made even more fun with david hanging out balking at how many patterns i have stashed away,  or doing something on his laptop right in the vicinity.  

here we are out back of the trident, where zhi asked to have a birthday tea party.  my girl.  (this might be a tradition now, cause she asked for this same thing last year)    in the above pics, she has her hands in the drying position for the glittery nail polish that mimi just applied.   mimi showered her, at zhi's request, with all sparkly things in this treasure chest.....the glitter glue is now all over many things in our house, and i've learned to love it somehow.  something about the freedom it represents to me, the wild love zhi uses her sparkly glue with.  and now there are glittery glue mounds to brighten my day in all sorts of random places where her art has dried, yet dripped.  i have tried to scrape them off of a few things, but on the dish towels and baskets it doesn't budge.  

i love this shirt on her, and used up all of the  1/2 yard, which was all i had of this fabric that i bought in a huge fabric buying phase i had a couple years ago.  it felt so good to find this perfect use for it.  i mean, does it say 4 year old girly birthday or what?  and same with the pattern i had stashed away for a year.  using stuff in my stash makes being a craft-pack-rat feel more like being a resourceful squirrel, just planning ahead for these exact times.

female pain-body

hello pain body.  how nice of you to invite me for a visit!  the female collective pain-body is so deep and treacherous, i feel honored to have the strength to survive it every month....which i barely do.  barely.   my family needs armor for this time of the month....or better yet, i do, because it feels as if i am being attacked at every turn, either by not being respected, listened to, or loved.  i know this isn't completely true, but i associate all dissonance in relationships with these feelings at this time of the month.  ANYWAYS!!  no, seriously, PMS needs to be respected in this patriarchal culture....that's probably how it was created it in the first place.  i keep thinking of the orca whales we learned about on a whale watching boat in vancouver, and how they are totally a matriarchal species.  and the oldest female whale in the family we saw was 93!  all the whales in her family traveled with her throughout their lives, even with her old age, they stayed with her, she was their leader.  if obama wins, michelle will be the real leader, just from behind the scenes.....that's what i'm feeling.   

like this sunflower, women have within them the power to bloom physically.  we all, males and females, have it emotionally, spiritually, mentally, but physically, women can actually bloom with new life, assuming they engage in a mating ritual.  and along with this physical ability,  women also have the ability to bleed out ghosts from the past with each month they do not begin the process of blooming.   it is so  powerful to have this ability, a magic of sorts.  natural magic.  the cleansing and purification that happens with each bleed makes a new and fresh place for fertility of all kinds to grow with abundance.....

it does not feel very pretty to be associating with the collective female pain-body.  but it is very pretty deep red blood that flows freely from our inner ocean.  it even smells like the ocean, kind-of like seaweed.  i love this smell.  i like to catch the blood in a cup (sometimes even in my hand) and take it outside to give it back to the mother, to nourish the plants around our home.  i like to paint with it, and .....just kidding!!  but once i can get through the pain-body experience, i can see how clearing this part of the female moon cycle is, and how what we release is similar to the scraps of food we compost....it is extremely nourishing and full of life-giving nutrients for the next cycle of life on earth.   the earth will provide me, if i am lucky, with the nutrients to grow and evolve through another cycle, and i will return the richness back to her soil, where it all begins again.  i feel extreme gratitude for this experience, once i am through thrashing around in the sad and traumatized collective female pain-body, that is.

.When the heart grieves over what it has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has found. 

  – Sufi proverb