keeping on top of the shit

staying inspired is so critical for me. i need to remember it is possible to feel spirit in all moments. during all tasks. easy does it folks. at times i am a preschool teacher with patience flowing out of my ears, others, a militant mother who won't give an inch, sometimes a maid who despises any bit of dirt, then a mellow monk who only sees the bigger picture, now a crafty writer who writes to wake herself up. wake up little rock. pay attention to your heart.

the synchronicity inspires me to no end............

'It's very good jam,' said the Queen.
'Well, I don't want any TO-DAY, at any rate.'
'You couldn't have it if you DID want it,' the Queen said. 'The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday--but never jam to-day.'
'It MUST come sometimes to "jam to-day,"' Alice objected.
'No, it can't,' said the Queen. 'It's jam every OTHER day: to-day isn't any OTHER day, you know.'
'I don't understand you,' said Alice. 'It's dreadfully confusing!'
'That's the effect of living backwards,' the Queen said kindly: 'it always makes one a little giddy at first--'
'Living backwards!' Alice repeated in great astonishment. 'I never heard of such a thing!'
'--but there's one great advantage in it, that one's memory works both ways.'
'I'm sure MINE only works one way,' Alice remarked. 'I can't remember things before they happen.'
'It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,' the Queen remarked.

from the looking glass, lewis carol.

what do you do when you feel like you're just gonna freak?

everything i wanna do, feels like it would just take me down further. alcohol, cannabis, scream at my kids and fully freak them too, shop, run away. breathe. that's all i can think of, that might help, and i know won't hurt.

i hate getting mad at my kids. this is the deal right now. i have been pushed to my edge a few times today, and i hate that edge. i judge it. it is ugly, scary. ugly and scary are bad. bad is not good. only good is good. i only like good. breathe. breathe. breathe. ice cream helped a little. breathing really works though. sometimes i pray, but i usually get distracted before i can tell if my prayer was answered. breathing is the answer for us mental types. stop everything, and breathe.

a baby moose dream

8/9/7

last night, i had some dreams that were difficult, and was awoken from the dream two times by very large wolf spiders crawling across my naked back, which I shot out of bed to trap under a cereal bowl the first time, and a lid to a wooden keep sake thing the second time……that first spider, it was crazy how big it was.

The dream, what I remember now, at 11 am, was me being somewhere, I had driven to, hours away, and my mom was there, and david and olive, and others who I don’t remember. And at some point, I became extremely angry at my mom, for being so contradicting of herself, about me. She was talking to someone first about how she believed that not hitting me as a child was the right thing to do. Then in the next conversation, she was talking about the same subject matter, but this time was saying that hitting me as a child was the best thing to do to teach me what I was doing was wrong. I heard this, and went ballistic on her……the feeling of rage was torrential, and I decided I needed to leave the place right away, I couldn’t even wait for david, which meant I would be driving myself and all three kids alone…
The next part, which I remember thanks to the next spider, was back in that place, it was like a hotel room, people were just hanging around, mike o’brien was there….and along came a frisky baby moose, it just ran in through the door, through all the people past the beds, and then turned around when it got to the wall, and was headed to go out the door, and I thought to snap a picture, and I got one just before it left, and then came 3 or 4 little fluffy bouncy dogs, and they just came to hang out I think. Blah blah blah, remembering dreams in pieces is frustrating. But I hope those pieces came to the front of my consciousness for a helpful reason, by some helpful spiders, that are now happy and set free out in the freshness of the outside.

When I woke up this morning, I read the medicine for spider and moose……..spider is telling me to create, create, create. Moose is telling me to share my joy with pride. To be proud of the work I have done, and the sense of completion I feel around the place I’ve arrived at now. Conception is complete. Now onto sharing myself with the world I materialized in.

no tears from a baby?

here is why.

this girl

I love this girl in my sling. I look at her and feel so much. Sometimes I feel pure bliss at being the recipient of her sweet smell and the fresh sweet gazes from her eyes. Sometimes I feel inadequate for the job of leading this beautiful light into this earthly world of unknowns and dangers. Sometimes I feel as if it is just me and her, and we are the only ones in the universe. Sometimes I feel excited for who she is and that she is here, and that we all get the honor and pleasure of knowing her. Sometimes I feel the deepest love I’ve ever known and tears come instantly. Sometimes I feel scared that I’m not good enough for her purity and grace, that I am just too damaged a reflection for her to look into everyday. Sometimes I feel like bursting into song when I see her open-mouth smile, her sideways smirk, and hear the first sounds of her true voice, and sometimes I do (today’s song consisted of only the words, ‘I am so fond of you’). Sometimes I feel like we live in an enchanted forest and everything is fine and she has come to show us the way back to truth and love. Sometimes I feel like licking and sucking on her. Sometimes I feel like I see my grandmother in her. Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing in the world to know, except the genuineness in her eyes.

a long moment

of time out here on the studio porch, catching internet connection from the neighbor's stream. olive's asleep in the sling, max and zhi were happy and easy on the trampoline for 30 minutes! only one cup of tea was spilled. the time is ending now. i surfed and feel like i wasted my time mostly. wish i'd been writing instead, but hey, maybe next time the allure of an internet connection won't steal me away from a potential moment of creativity. now everyone has joined me on the bench.....


i'm gonna see if a little flower cutting will lure them into the next bit of the morning. this summer cold is about to make me crazy...

pictures....

make me feel. if i need or want to cry a little, i can pretty much count on looking through some old, days or years, pictures to do the trick. am i just so sentimental? and that word, i have been wondering about it. is it like, you are feeling something, but it's really in the mental realm? let's see what it really means.

sen·ti·men·tal adj
1. affected acutely by emotional matters, often to the point of mawkishness
2. displaying too much uncontrolled or self-indulgent emotion
3. appealing to or expressing tender, often romantic, feelings
4. expressing or experiencing tender sadness or nostalgia
5. expressing deep, refined feeling (formal)

i would say i relate to # 4 the most. it's the strange feeling of nostalgia that triggers the tears. and somehow makes me feel as if i am looking at one of the most beautiful moments i have ever experienced. it's a bit like divine homesickness, i must admit, and agree with my friends kathryn and karlton on this. you see, i have a pretty strong case of this sickness, and am working working working to heal myself of it, so that i may live this life in love with the moment i am, not ones i have left behind.

and somehow this brings me to olive. the squirming beautiful love sleeping on my chest in the sling. scanning through all the pictures in my photobooth file, i was transported through our first 5 weeks together, and fully brought to tears. how do pictures have this power over me? is this what my grandmother's fascination with pictures was all about? mawmaw taught about the beauty and fun of looking through photo albums, but i now imagine when she was alone, she sat and cried while she looked. and then after her session, would get up, feeling refreshed and reconnected with her heart, and ready to live in the moment again. maybe it's okay to dip into your divine love of where we came from every now and then, if it has this heart-awakening effect on you. maybe it's good medicine. i am starting to wonder if a day without tears is kind of like a day without laughter....not such a good one. i am really becoming aware of the lightness and freshness in my energy after a few tears have spilled out. i've read somewhere about the specific chemicals in tears, and that you really are releasing pent up stressers and toxins that you're damn glad to get out of your beautiful body.

"Tears," said English poet Alfred Austin, "are the summer showers to the soul."

here are some more amazing quotes about tears. here is something else really cool all about the healing tears bring.

you know, my mawmaw lived a long time, 93 years. she was always known for her deep sentimental tendencies. i bet all those tears kept her free from disease.

and now i am reminded of how babies have a real need to cry, to release all the shock in their tiny bodies, the shock of arriving here on this sometimes foreign planet, the shock of their incarnation and birth, and the shock of having their soul attatched to a body all of a sudden. shocking, shocking stuff. but, i have one question, why don't babies shed tears. i'll find out later.

alright h, it's time to go out to dinner with your husband and infant. have fun, and find the moment you are in, now.