protection

i have no interest in, and will not be hurt anymore in the ways i have allowed. i have the ability to protect myself from repeated pain. like the turtle, i have a mother-strong shell, which i will use more and more. this wound will not be poked at again. i know what hurts me, and i am walking away. gone. no more. this is about me, and knowing myself. taking care of myself, so that i may be a strong wise woman, a strong friend and wife, a nurturing and confident mother, a loyal sister, a joyful earthwalker. i will walk away from my addictions to pain, and i will still feel alive. i will not, hear me, will not be sucked in by the lull of the calling to come and receive my regular dose of pain. i have shields. they will be all i show the giver of that pain. i have powerful powerful shields.
i will listen to the music that heals.

mama (pronounced MAWMAW)

i am feeling you so much today. is it because the sun is shining again after 4 days of a snowy icy spring freeze, and i know you enjoyed the flowers and beauty and miracle of spring like i do? are you actually closer today? i haven't felt you this close since before you died. it's felt like you've been VERY far away since then, until today. i've heard your words coming through a few times, but i haven't actually felt you like i am today. mmmmmm, it feels so good to be with you. our peace and depth, there's nothing else in the world like it. i channel it through to my kids, my husband, my best friends, random people in the world that are open to it, and now i am feeling like thanking you for teaching me this way, of hanging out in my skin. in the still still place of heatherness, just like you hung out in the still still place of mawmawness every time i ever saw you. i could count on you to be just exactly who you are....i never had to wonder if you'd show up, or if you'd be distracted. you always showed up, rain or shine, tears or laughter, naughty gossiping or christian southern politeness. you were so yourself. THANK YOU mama, for being my mama. for being the most amazing grandmother a girl could EVER
EVER
EVER
EVER
want. tears are coming from the feeling of luck that i struck gold in landing into your family. i love you so much. i feel you today, and it is awesome. so, since you loved fabric like i do, do you want to see some things i made recently?........















the top picture is just some trim i added to a dress from target, and i love it. and the pillow behind me with the elephants, i made it too. and then i made this apron for a friend who ordered two for the coffe shop she works at. it looks pretty cute i think. becca modeled it for me since my belly is way to big to wear this kind of apron right now. i'm pleased with it. i have the other one started. it's gonna be a little simpler, for the girl who's having a mellow kind of day, and needs a more monotone apron. but still super cute. you'll see.

sadness in letting friends go, happiness in saying hello to the ones that are here

for some reason, sometimes, relationships kind-of end. analyzing why seems like it would just be a mental exercise, which i need not to partake in. but acknowledging the feelings that come around the loss, so that they can be set free is what i will do. it's a sadness for the lost potential. a sadness for the dream that had to die. a longing for the hearts we were once close to, that are no longer available. a lot of 'i don't understand what went so wrong.' that one's getting close to the mental exercise that i am being diligent to stay away from. my mental facilities are very well exercised, and need a rest. it's a feeling of wanting to share with the friends we once had, every little thing that happens, and the sweet desire to know all the little happenings in their lives. it's really like a death occurred. because when that urge comes up to share, or ask, i can only feel it pulse through my veins until it dies. i cannot reach out, because i will not be met. i will only feel the loss pulsing, and then get stuck for days in my heart, and usually in my head too. the thoughts become unbearable. the sadness covers me. oh well, i say finally. and find some fresh air, and scootch along. slowly but surely, i am healing from this grief............... and i begin to revel in the relationships that are real and alive, pulsing through my body, being met by another strong and bright-eyed friend, feeding my heart and soul, like a flower to a hummingbird...... mmmmmmmmm. i learn to shift my focus, and i relax.

nature just does her thing

i am noticing a lot of nature photographs popping up here on this b-log. nature, what is nature, really? some things are effortless, just happen naturally, and that seems to be where i lean in looking to define nature. as in, the true nature of our spirits, as opposed to our minds. the minds seem to require so much effort. when i can free myself from its grip, i am feeling much more easy and natural. art is natural. dance, play, inspired conversation, love, contemplation. like this falcon in the picture. she is doing what comes naturally. observing the world from her nest above the hiking trail i frequent. i just want to do what comes naturally in each moment. and drop the judgment around it all. i highly doubt this falcon is judging herself for sitting there doing her thing. my thing, your thing, his thing, her thing, the cat's thing, the bird's thing.....they're all different, and perfectly so.

learning to take the country road

taking the old, slow, dirt back roads. this is something i've been striving to do for so long now. like, enjoy a bath, just for the simple exhilarating peace and pleasure of a hot bath. i mean, actually being able to soak and be soothed, instead of it being just another place to let my mind race. i was a little bit wound up for a few years there. ummmmm, all i can say is i am so fucking grateful to be finding myself having these simple, natural, experiences again. thank you everyone who has been here for me these past few years, through the births and deaths, the life challenges that have thrown me off the planet. thank you.

thank you. thank you. thank you. THANK YOU.

exposing my roots

something strikes me as so vulnerable and exposed about these roots. and yet, they are hardened and strong enough to handle hundreds of hikers pounding feet every day. it is scary for me to expose myself. even when i know nothing can hurt me, i am hesitant to reveal. it just doesn't come easily, or quickly. but i look at these roots and realize they are exposed, yes, but they aren't the least bit concerned about their exposure. they have adapted. it took time for them to gain the strength and hard coating that allows them to stay exposed. roots. putting my roots down, and they don't always have to be out of sight. concealment isn't necessary. so what roots do i have exposed, that are perfectly safe that way, yet have been challenging for me to allow to be seen? oh lordy, that could take hours.
playing . just playing. and starting to feel better. woohoo!

not sure about this....

my kids love this pooh bear book. and i'm ok with most of it, but this one story in it, about not talking to strangers has me scratching my head. and for some reason, this is zhi's favorite right now. i always avoided this one before, but a babysitter recently read it to them, and now it's a hit. my hang up is that i don't want them out in the world feeling as if everyone they don't know, is a "STRANGER". and then feeling like they can't say hi or go up to someone when we're sitting at a cafe, or playing at a park. i think i'm being paranoid though. so far, they have not translated this concept out into our outings. this concept seems like it's for older kids. alright, i'm not gonna worry about it anymore. and just hope their infatuation with the story fades soon.

i have had the flu. that's what this awful sickness has been, i'm starting to realize, now that it's gotten a hold of me. only the flu lays me up in bed for days. it's kind of nice that d's parents have been here while i've been so sick..lots of extra help with the kids. but it also means all the solo creative time i was looking forward to, turned into solo sick time. not so fun. but, what can i do?

make this shirt. i whipped it up in 20 minutes, and am wearing it now. feels fresh, that's what i was going for. but it didn't take the flu away. just a little high for a while at having a new shirt.



i am hoping that this evening, our last with d's parents is mellow and fun. i hope i am alert and awake enough to enjoy the whole family being together. kind of like how their visit started out, before i had to retire to the bed.........