healing and bells

hello. this is my girl, sad and sick. this is sort-of how we've all been feeling for this past week. both kids are over the hump (crossed fingers), and now david and i are in the thick of it. i would have been smart to expect i'd get it, after three sleepless nights with a feverish zhi, and randomly max had severe foot cramps, and then ear pain that was keeping him and david awake. we played a lot of musical beds this week. it was heavenly the first night after zhi broke the fever and slept with out thrashing and freaking. but i still couldn't sleep myself. finally last night i fell into slumber, even amidst my very stuffed nose. so now i'm sick, but sleeping. i don't know which i prefer. i think this way. lack of sleep is craziness. this past week was worse for sleep than when either child was a newborn. this was a bitch cold. since i can't cuss in front of the kids, and i really like to use those forbidden words, i have decided i can use them here. oooooh, i'm scared i'm gonna get in trouble somehow. can i really be allowed to say fuck whenever i want here? heavenly. it's definitely not always with negativity that i want to say fuck!

now, bells. i don't know what's drawing me to bells right now, but i'm gonna follow my nose. these in the picture below are on our front patio.

well, after reading this site i am staring to understand why i'm into bells right now. scroll down to the bottom of that page link, and look at the bell the monk is about to ring with the huge wooden log. mmmmmmmm, i would really love to ring that bell. i think we're gonna get a lot of bells together, meaning a lot of homemade gongable things, and have a good ol' time on march 21st! how timely this little fascination is! anybody wanna join us? i think we'll be all healed up by then. fresh and ready to ring and gong for peace. i'll be holding this image in my heart.

little rock love

(the present i put together, with zhi's help, for my sister's 24th birthday. it's on the way to portland, oregon. i love you, claire. you're the awesomest gal i know!)

i am from little rock, arkansas. it used to be that when i was in little rock, either physically, or just by feeling, i would feel like the most whole, safe, loved version of myself. it's a little different now that my dad and grandma are dead. i really used to think that it was all about little rock, that special feeling i got when i was there. but i have found when i've gone back, now that they're both gone, this feeling is not so easy to find. i can muster it up, but it comes from pretty deep within, actually. it is mostly the feeling of being loved, A LOT. i LOVE this feeling. when i am not feeling it, i am not all of me. this knowing of who i am, was a gift these 2 people gave me, mostly my grandmother. my dad occasionally had words that came very close to giving me the undoubting feeling of being loved. his actions, however, lacked a little. my mawmaw, though, this lady LOVED me, and i could feel it, i knew it. i've never known anything like it. until i met my husband. what a fucking gift! love. it really is all you need. with all the spiritual, healing work i've done, the one true thing i've learned is that when i am resourced and whole, acknowledging and accepting (meaning absolutely no judgment on myself whatsoever) all parts of myself, light and shadow, i am capable of confidence and radiance. i am capable of showing up, dropping the shyness, the fear, and allowing my true self to be shared..... seen. and now i'm seeing that a really quick short-cut to that whole, resourced, place is through the feeling, the knowing, that i am really fucking lovable. i mean, i can know this. it doesn't mean every one in my life has to feel this way about me, but therefore no one can take this knowing away either. it is something i know about myself. if someone can't see it, or feel it, that's kind-of none of my business. there are so many reasons why we shut down to others, why we withhold our own love from them, it's just too much to even ponder why someone may not share their love. my grandmother *shared* her love. this is a gift i know not all children get, and i feel VERY lucky to have received this gift.to learn this feeling through the eyes of someone else is so easy in a way, compared to the other way of learning it, which is in a sense, through faith in yourself. sometimes i've forgotten (sometimes?) that i'm loved, and the thorny path back to it, through the brambles of my internal critic, has been the hardest trek EVER. just a quick look into mawmaw's eyes, and i'm all set. mmmmmmmmmmm. i want a tattoo to remind me of this. now i understand why people get those tattoos with someone's name in a heart, and the ribbon all around it. when i am saturated with this feeling of being really fucking lovable, i don't care what anyone else thinks. oh my god, do you have any idea how nice this is? how free it feels?
here's to remembering that we are lovable. WE ARE LOVABLE. LOVE-ABLE.

a raft!

a raft is what i need, more than the ability to swim. so cool that i just learned this, the night after writing this. sometimes, i seriously go about things the hardest way possible. ( i am not understanding the link feature right now, i only intended to link the word 'this' up above.)

i heard about the raft idea from a papaji satsang video i just bought. (i can't get the underlining thing to stop.) we will get so tired, so quickly, if we try and swim our way across the ocean of ego and suffering. papaji said satsang is the raft. to me, satsang is truth, art, being in the moment . this lesson was such a gift, and so beautifully timed for my little soul's work.


this is my 'raft' right now, seeing as i live in the mountains of colorado. (this cushion might actually float, though.) i recovered this patio chair, with some beautiful fabric and trim, and it is so much prettier now, as opposed to the old, dingy, grayed and stained cream fabric it was covered with. i really just sewed this new pretty stuff right on top of the old . my point here? a pretty raft is much more fun and lovely for the long journey over the ocean, than an ugly one. but really, any raft is better than swimming the whole darn sea. just float, baby. float and feel the light shining all over you.

soak it in

cassie, the lady cat. keeps her cool. knows when to hide, and when to play. isn't super cuddly, but loves to lay by my feet when i finally settle into bed at night. ready to play at the drop of a shoelace, or an apron tie. beautiful and graceful, darting and whimsical. tiny, and sensitive. i want to be like her. maybe i am a little bit. but i haven't gotten the chance to see her as a mother. i would love to observe a beautiful and loving mama cat with her babies. i would love to see how she handles their incessant needs. i can already picture that she would just get up and walk away when she's had enough. her boundaries would be as clear as her love and care. maybe even more so. and the babies wouldn't even question it. they would whine at first when she takes her space, but then, after not too long, it would all be understood. no questioning occurs. she returns after she's gotten her space, and licks all over them. licks and licks and licks. and then she settles in, and feeds them, so naturally. she is ready. she doesn't worry for a minute about their well-being when she's away. she knows they are fine. she doesn't worry about the state of her house, its cleanliness, or tidiness. what's done is done, what's not....will be some day. what matters is that she is clean, sunned, and well-fed. before and after that, her babes.
cassie stands on a rock, beside her spiral totem pole. she is grounded, and spiraling out at the same time. all while being embraced and shielded from behind by the spruce shrub angel. she is not rushed, and takes her time observing what's going on around her.

and here's...a john lennon protege........
someone is over-the-top cute. the boy who is home right now, instead of school, because he was up all night coughing. the boy, who as i was leaving for my mama cat solo time, was telling his dad to be paul mccartney, and he will be john lennon. they were still deciding if zhi was gonna be george or ringo. the boy who just yesterday began insisting for the first time that he ride his trike with NO help, no one push, no one steer. anyone who knows this boy knows what a big deal this is.
now,time for mama cat to go home, and lick and feed and play with her babes...and time for papa cat to go out in the world and do his thing.

the flip side

i am finding it funny (how nice to be back in a humorous place) that just one post after my self love, self pride day, i am in fear and struggling to find the courage to not only love myself, but find myself. that's the flip side, that my oh so wise teacher told me about, recently. it's always there, ready to make sure you're aware of it. yep. just like the moon, there's almost always a really bright part, but also, ALWAYS a really dark part. i really can choose where i go, though. that's what keeps getting me. some part of me feels like i am at the mercy of the tides, like i forgot how to swim and go to shore when i'm not having a good dip anymore. i can swim!

intensity, fear, and courage

i am slipping back into depression. i am losing my cool with my kids everyday, i am fighting the impulse to hurt them. i am craving a smoke to help me out of this ( i would have a smoke a day if it wasn't bad for me, maybe it has to do with being born in the year of the dragon), but i have learned that the smoke never helps me out of the trench, it's not a savior....tears help more..... i am crying a lot. i am terrified to have a baby inside me while i feel like this. i am scared of this awful place. i had just last week, fucking climbed all the way out of it, all by myself, without any smoking, and how am i back here again? what do i still have to learn from this place? what????? to forgive myself. to let things go quickly and easily. to just get up and start again, and again, and again, and again, something i will try to teach my kids, i know. and i've felt since this baby came to us, that it has struggled with its own depression in a past life. now, i am thinking that i am going to this place, with this baby, to help HEAL us at the same time, find the strength to meet these inner demons with courage. with the utmost strength and courage. with depths and wells of courage that we didn't believe were in us. we can do this baby. we can come through this with so much newfound strength, so much conviction and knowing, we will shine like the brightest lighthouse on the shore, for all the other lost sailors who come after us. we will be a light to spark their drive to find their own way to their personal home, and maybe a place for them to rest and find strength to begin the sometimes seemingly loooooooong journey home. we are not alone. the electrician guy that just showed up to repair our broken heater was an angel. a man with his own troubles pretty obviously written on him, and yet, he is here to help us. more with his soul today than with the actual heater repair he did. just his kindred soul spoke to me, and healed us in a kind, plain way. it is only 10 minutes later, and i am not wanting to smoke anything. it is getting harder and harder every time i dip in. scarier and darker. i can't do this much more. i need a real and true healing. a self healing. maybe that's what i just got. if i can't find myself in these dark scary places, i will keep going there until i can. i know this is why i keep finding myself down there. faith! i have to know with absolute certainty that i am available to myself everywhere, in every single place i go. i am available to myself. i can never be absent from me, even in these far out oceans. i can plant myself on the land and grow roots if i choose. i have done enough of this self-discovery for a while. this particular ocean variety type, anyways. i am moving on to the planting, growing, blooming type of discovery now. (yeah, right, like i have a choice in what i work on everyday, as if!) we are all so ready for spring here. this baby in me has finally landed. she is off the boat, on the shore, gorging in the soil (the big juicy placenta), because it's been so long since she's seen and felt the rich earth, the potential, the heat. thank you guidance for seeing me through this one. i know i am doing some good good good work here. i know i am.

self love, self pride

i'm going to indulge myself. it's not like me to indulge in myself, well..., i guess maybe some people who really know me could see that differently. maybe i mean to say, it's not like me to outwardly indulge in myself. you know, narcissism has a really bad rap, so i try to keep mine closeted. i wonder if i've been as successful as i like to imagine at hiding it. well, here i am, playing in my newest, most favorite maternity outfit, taking self-timer shots for myself, cause i am just so happy about it. i never want to forget this moment of bliss. with my 50 cent skirt, and 99 cent shirt. i was even happy with my hair that night. it was slightly greasy, so not too frizzy, and i feel sexier when it's kind-of straight and limp. ahhhh, the kids were asleep and i had just washed these clothes that i found the day before. when i bought them, i felt like i was really gambling on them fitting. he skirt is a size 12. i am a size 0 most of the time (like when not pregnant). but i thought either way, it is a sweet floral linen, i'll use it for something. and the shirt just looked big when i held it up. i had a little wake-up call about the new and growing size of my body these days. you'd think the third time around carrying a baby, i'd get familiar with what happens. the clothes fit me perfectly. and they're so soft and light and springy. i do know that i have to be careful with how i angle my face in pictures. talk about vain. all the extra weight around my face and neck makes me look like a different person in a lot of photos i've seen. i took roll of pictures to show my dad right before he died, of me when i was pregnant with zhi, and some of her newborn days. he asked me if it was really me. and then he couldn't ever see his daughter in that woman with 40 extra pounds on her 5 ft. frame. it baffled him.

here's a little snap of zhi and me in the new 'shirt-dresses' (as zhi calls them) i made for us. and the other little lady in the picture is kicking around, wanting to make sure she's noticed, and felt, too. we will never again not notice you, littlest one. you now speak clearly for yourself.
zhi's shirt-dress is way cuter. mine looks a bit frumpy. oh well. i learned a lot making it, from an old 1960s maternity pattern. who knows, after it's been put away for a month or so, and it's getting warm out, i guess i could surprise myself and think it's actually cool. but not really so much right now. i might need to cut the neck feature out, which you can't really see in the photo, but it's the whole reason i was drawn to the pattern. i think it's the main contributor to the frumpiness. zhi's dress i traced and copied from one that fits her really well. this whole self love, self pride exercise is a bit challenging for me. i have a good friend that has made a big impression on me with her talk of self love, and how amazing it feels. i have had glimpses of it, but they never last. what has typically lasted is self-criticism. i am working to break that tortuous habit.

one more thing for today. here we are hangin out in the kids' room. i love the sweetness of this room. it is like an instant relaxer to sit down in here, and just chill.















i just got up to refill my teapot, and while leaning down to put my boot back on, i banged my head on the corner of the table. i have a hard time keeping myself from reading into these kinds of random occurrences as a sign of some sort. does this post suck? is it not ok to indulge in what makes me, and probably only me, happy. if i had leaned down, and discovered a beautiful flower petal, or bead, i would take that as a sign that i just did something really great. the guy sitting next to me, before my head bonk, had a little run-in with his teapot and spilled half his tea all over the table. maybe there's just a mischievous little trident fairy messing with the patrons today. just to keep us on our toes. i appreciate reminders of that sort. but i'm not so fond of being disciplined with a head injury.

i just remembered a dream i had last night. before i forget, i must write it. so, little one was born in the dream, at home, and i was alone there with my grandmother, mawmaw. it was an easy birth, and the child came out already speaking, sounding just like zhi, asking for a cookie. after a while, i became aware that the placenta hadn't been delivered, so i focused on getting that done. and when it came out, it was a cell phone, and a calculator. hmmmmmmm......
are you in there on the phone little one? the dream then went into an older woman's apartment, that was filled with angel figures. everywhere you looked, angels with wings were there.