a little hard day, a little light lesson

a fight with D, first thing today, that turned into an all morning long event. ummmmmmm. why am i writing about this? because it's what happened, and i need to write, and i can really only write about what's up. i was just starting to bask in some light that seemed like it was really gonna stay. we even had a conversation last night about how much better i've been feeling: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically (now that i'm not throwing up in the morning, afternoon, and night). i love this little baby slithering all around, and it was damn worth those months of nausea. had to say that. but something i've learned about such bright light, from a teacher recently, is that the darkness is always right there, on the flip side. so you can't be afraid of it. aware, uhhuh. so, this morning, i absorbed the darkness like a sponge. it wore me out, and now i'm tired. what i learned, and will probably learn a hundred million more times, is that holding up a little mirror to it, will keep me from getting lost in all that dark space. i can shield myself with the little teeny mirror. i own my light, it was my choice to let it get smothered out. my choice. i am strong. a strong wise woman. i can hold my light in the face of any darkness! i feel a little like harry potter.

here is a nice little picture to sum this all up, a picture of my 'voodoo' cat as a friend described it (with dragons on the body, and 'fire coming out of the ass' as casey put it). i made it from a pattern at wee wonderfuls. it's kind of like the whole frickin universe disappears when i let my light go out. well, i've relit the flame, and can see again. thank goodness, cause i can' breath in that darkness. i know the book isn't about the universe disappearing in quite the way i am projectingi think it's a little more about reality being not what you see, what you make the world out be, in your own little interpretation, but reality is something much more ungraspable on the visual plane. we are not separate little sources of light. we are so connected, from the same beautiful LIGHT.



i also want to say, it's always nice to have a brand new set of pre-made play-doughs handy, for days like this, when i am wiped out and need a quick-fix kid entertainer, so i can analyze my craziness, and pull myself out of it.

look familiar?

i got this cute terry cloth smocked dress when zhi was 1ish, at the thrift store, of course. 50 cents. it is just gonna fit this summer.

and then today, after lunch, i was looking at the garnet hill kids catalog, just for inspiration.
look at this! i am amused. ours is clearly from the 80s, but the tag was cut out.

OK

it's all ok. it's ok if i play with my blog colors for 20 minutes. if it's fun, it's ok. it's ok if i go thrifting 3 times this week.most recently i got this sweet, light table cloth. definitely cheered me up, for just $2.
it's ok if amy cooks our whole dinner, all weekend. it's ok if my kids bounce on the couch 90% of their waking home life. it's ok if i've been struggling with depression my whole life. it's ok if i've been baby-stepping out of it since i was 18, the year i got my butterfly tattoo. symbolic?????? it's ok if i need to get another tattoo to remind me of the progress i've made the past 12 years...and until then, to play with temps.

it's ok if i am challenged to find a consistent daily rhythm. it's ok if we fly by the seat of our pants, and a walk...is never planned, but just organically happens when it does.
it's ok if we live completely off the cuff, and just get by right now. it's also ok if we start to change, and rhythm is found, and we groove in it as long as it works. it's ok if i am proud of these pants i made and own it, rather than feeling like a show-off if i ever feel pride in myself.

it's ok if i am thoroughly inspired by others, and follow their lead quite often. it's ok if others follow mine, and instead of feeling like i'm being copied, i feel complimented.

it's ok. it's ok. it's ok. it's ok.

it's even ok if i get a ticket because i stayed at trident 5 minuted longer than my meter had money for.

dork, and neglect. getting real.

ok. well, i am just starting to figure out what the heck i am doing with this here, blog. one, i am terrified of being laughed at, or judged, for what a dork i am, so.......i remember that i am really mostly doing this for my own enjoyment. if i don't like something i wrote, it's because i was caring about what others would think when i wrote it, and not being as raw and real as i am. but, when i'm true to myself, i love myself. LOVE myself. and in turn, i am not as turned off by what i write, say, create, whatever. there is a healthy pride in what i do, when i am honest as can be. the temptation to do things as i think others would like is pretty darn big. but every time i do it that way, i am not happy, and life is not real. BORING is what it is. i want to live my life with every bit of raw truth i am aware of. and this blog is one of my safe little places to practice this. thank you blog reality, this feels helpful. so, i hope to see my posts getting more and more true to me and what is really important in my life. not that i've been that far off course, but a few of those posts are definitely trying to be something i'm not exactly. critical of myself??????? ahhhhh, never ever.

two, i am doing this blog because i love to write, and i ultimately love to share and exchange, but.....it seems like the only way i could do that before, was through email, and letter-writing, beyond hanging and playing in person. i find myself feeling neglected, or rejected(?), when i don't get a response. yeah, i'm a little sensitive. i also am VERY guilty of not responding to emails and phone calls, sometimes ever. i totally get that we're all going at our own rhythm, and sometimes it means not responding to someone in order to stay true to yourself. but when i'm the one reaching out, wanting connection, and then not getting it....well, it sucks.
so this is a way to spill my guts, show and tell, and just follow my inspiration right onto the web, and without any expectation from anybody!!!!! it's like a journal, sort-of, but different. it's more like a letter to a best friend, and i can write it as often as i want.

mommy, sometimes bad luck is good luck

after max went to school this day last week, zhi and i were home, messing around, doing the girl thing. i can't remember exactly what happened, but i think i might have been talking about the dripping towels i was carrying from the little bathroom to the laundry room, that had been soaking up the leak coming from behind the toilet (it was fresh water, thankfully), and saying something about the bad luck i had at keeping the water from getting all over the house during the move. well this little zen master,



who has heard the story zen shorts *quite* a few times, said to me, 'mommy, sometimes bad luck is good luck.' i definitely stopped what i was then doing, and got on my knees to smile at her beauty and sweetness and fine fine reasoning. this little girl pays attention to everything, and puts it all together so well. i'm not sure yet, how all that water i spilled getting to the laundry room was good luck, but i believe it was.

cleaning, clearing, updating, and of course playing

how can i ever forget that if you're not playing while you're 'working', you're doing it wrong. well, i am so lucky, that when i do forget, these amazing little kids i get to parent remind me almost instantly. mmmmmmm, i am so lucky.

they really are my greatest teachers. i am thoroughly in love.




so we learned a little about the chinese new year yesterday at max's school. they had a family cleaning afternoon in the school house, and it was timed so that we were clearing the school of dirty dirty oldness, in order to prepare it for all the new freshness of the coming new year, feb.18th.

so guess what we did at home today. it felt so good. now, we are all resting, and ready to receive all the yummy freshness tomorrow will bring. i love you, whoever you may be reading this. i'm still a little to fearful of judgement to share this with anyone other than D. i am oh so sensitive to criticism of my expression, well, when it's in a new medium. who will i share it with first? oh, the thought, it scares me. it's definitely not time yet. in the mean time, i am having fun, learning a little more about this new blog world each time. like this:

we're going to go see venus tonight. we had a call from an old, yet still-in-touch babysitter, asking if we need any help this weekend. such nice timing, she has, given that i just kind of fired our regular sitter last weekend.

(the link is my latest thing.)

i love.... i have a hard time with...

Closet play! They were enthralled all morning doing this. and i was enthralled the whole time with my camera. good fun.


i love:

1.chocolate chip cookies from spruce
2.hikes, today's was clearing and refreshing, just like all the others. you can't go wrong with a hike, unless you're with someone who is talking too much.
3.going to dot's diner with my kids. dot's is THE best place in the WORLD to eat a meal, read the paper, and have my kids there happily playing with the random selection of toys and eating right along with me. we LOVE dot's! LOVE. they are referred to as 'diner kids' we go there so much.
4.white, green, and black tea. especially at the trident, my home away from home. where i go to be creative, read, write, chat, knit, play games, and hang. this is only my second time here with my laptop. i've always been such an old fashioned girl, with my journal, pens, books, and cards. but i like this laptop an awful lot, and i like the new found creativity this blog is stirring in me, so.....here i am, joining all the other laptoppers, from time to time, with my black beauty macbook D got me for a present.

i have a hard time with:

1.rushing. i had to rush us out of dot's to get home in time to meet casey, so i could go on a hike and have a trident sesh. i payed for it for the next hour with a stomach cramp. i am not allowed to rush, at least not in an unconscious manner. and not after a breakfast burrito.
2. feeling like i'm breaking the rules. i am sitting in the booth now alone. the booth for 2 or more. i'm definitely not as relaxed now. a little paranoid someone's gonna complain.
3. complaining. who can gracefully handle this? teach me please.
4.impatience. kind of goes with 1. when i get impatient, all grace leaves. i am at that point living a pointless existence, it feels like. so i have to break repor with whatever i got impatient with, and do something else. how do you spell repor? it's not in my spellcheck dictionary.
5. exposure/embarrassment/fear of judgement. i am feeling slightly exposed and slightly embarrassed here, writing on this computer, where anyone that walks by, or peeps over can see what i'm writing. god forbid someone makes a judgement about me. as if anyone even cares! we are all here minding our own business beautifully. i will completely let go, offer that fear up to evolve to its next highest level now! geez.

DARTH AND FRAU COHEN

DAVID AND I HAVE BEEN OBSERVING THE MEAN, IMPATIENT, RUDE SIDES OF OUR EGOS LATELY. GOING ALONG WITH KEEPING THINGS LIGHT, YOU'VE GOT TO BE AWARE OF WHAT'S TRYING TO KEEP YOU FROM THE LIGHT.

SO, WE NAMED OUR EGO-MANIACS, OR DAVID DID. HE'S THE TOTALLY MENTAL, OUT OF TOUCH WITH LIFE-FORCE, ENCASED IN A HARD SHELL, DARTH. I'M THE OLD RIGID, HAWKISH, CRANKY, YET OH-SO FEARFUL-ON-THE-INSIDE WOMAN, FRAU. WHAT A GREAT COUPLE WE MAKE! WANNA HANG OUT? WE ARE RAISING LITTLE KIDS TO BE EGO-DRIVEN JUST LIKE US. WE HAVE OUR FRUSTRATED, ONE-TRACK-MIND SON, MULE. AND WE HAVE OUR MALICIOUS, DRAMATIC DAUGHTER, FRY. AND WE ARE INCREDIBLY BLESSED TO BE BRINGING ANOTHER TO THE PLANET! WE ARE WORKING VERY HARD TO MAKE SURE THE EARTH IS HEAVILY POPULATED WITH DARKNESS AND EGO-MINDED HUMANS. HOW ARE YOU DOING YOUR PART? VOTE BUSH!